BM attends all family events
Okay, I'm really lost and not sure what to do. This is my first relationship after my divorce, with a man who has one adult and one teenage daughter. We've been together for over two years, and engaged over one year but engagement called off because I'm uncomfortable that BM attends every single family event, even when they are not related to their daughters. Events are always held at SO's brother's house. BM is always there, even when it is SO's niece or nephew's birthday, graduation, summer bbq, easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, SO's sister visiting from out of town, you name it. SO's family asks him why I'm always so tense when I'm there. Is this normal, for an ex to be there all the time? They have an extremely amicable divorce, almost 10 years now. I understand it it is nice to be amicable for the kids' sake, but does BM really have to be there? Why doesn't she move on and have her own thing to do? I actually blame SO for not supporting me in this. He said he will not ask BM to not attend. I said, how about she attends some events but not 100%? He said no. I said, how about if I attend some events but not all events? He is still free to go, I'm not stopping him. But I don't want to go because I'm uncomfortable. He said no. I must attend 100% of the time. SO is not willing to compromise. And because I have to go all the time, I don't like it, and we argue about it. Thus, he called off the engagement. Everything about my SO is 'perfect', except when it comes to his family, including his ex, I'm nobody. Anyone else have to deal with this? Oh, and when I'm there, BM never once initiated a 'hello' or never once initiated a conversation with me. I've always said 'hi' and 'bye' to her, and sometimes tried to talk to her. I really try to be nice, but omg, it's painful for me and no one cares. "SD's" don't acknowledge my presence at these events and always by BM's side. I just don't feel like part of SO's family, even though we were supposed to get married.
^^THIS^^
^^THIS^^
SO said to me he agrees that
SO said to me he agrees that BM should not be there. SO talked to his brother and his brother agrees BM should not be there. However, no one will doing anything about it and asks, "what's wrong with BM being there? There's nothing wrong with that." Say what???? So basically, they confuse me by saying one thing and then not doing anything about it and turns it on me and I am now the 'problem'. So SO comes back to me to either accept it nicely or leave, because he doesn't want to keep fighting about this. If he would only allow me to not attend, I'll be happy.
She must be a real ball
She must be a real ball buster if an entire family is afraid to tell her she's no longer welcome.
And I side with you, I would not be ok with it either...
SO says he won't ask her, fine. But my presence wouldn't be required. Sorry, ill go out with the girls. Someone is going to have to compromise. Or you guys won't be celebrating many family functions together...
I agree, shouldn't have BM moved on, and found another family to latch onto? A boyfriend or something?
@ notagain2012. That is
@ notagain2012. That is what's pissing me off. I don't mind if he goes without me. But he says if I don't go, then he doesn't want to be with me.
If he leaves you because you
If he leaves you because you do not want to be uncomfortable and he does not want to compromise than honestly that was not someone you could build with anyway.
Dont go to the events and see if he is true to his word
Yeah, that would piss me off
Yeah, that would piss me off too. Esp after you have told him your not comfortable with it...
The reality is, he can only force you to do, what you let him. That's a tough one! Either way, I have a feeling you are going to feel like crap. Go, and be miserable. Don't go, and he will make it a fight, or act like a brat (my SO sometimes "retailiates")
Um good riddance to bad
Um good riddance to bad rubbish, sounds all to controlling and will become a bigger problem of his way or the highway on everything. He isn't going to change his mind because he just doesn't care to you'll either tow the line or he'll find someone who will is how he's acting, are you that disposable or do you deserve better?
I have experienced a similar
I have experienced a similar situation, if you want to read in detail see my blog. My FDH and his mom were/are very close with BM's family and I have a huge problem with it. Eventually my MIL took my side and FDH stood up to BM and told her to butt out. But then ironically MIL is the one who has kept up a close relationship with BM and her whole family, and FDH resented me ever since! He actually liked it the way it was before, as I assume your DH does too! I have come to the realization that I cannot change his feelings, just like he cannot change mine. And I am 95% leaving. I am leaving physically in a week but not sure if I will have the courage to really leave him. If you FDH already broke up with you over this then unless you really feel like this is your soulmate then go take a vacation with your girlfriends or family and dont ask or tell him where u are going.
Your fiance/ex-fiance or
Your fiance/ex-fiance or whatever in the hell he is now is being a total fucking asshole.
Why does he insist that you attend? That's the part where he has stepped over the line.
He has made it so clear that your feelings are not worth dog shit. this does not bode well for a lifetime commitment.
So what about when the events
So what about when the events turn into things about you? Your birthday, future children's events, etc..will BM still be there? It has to end sometime doesn't it??? I can't understand why he is insisting that you attend with him.
Sounds like he is selfish.
Sounds like he is selfish. Selfish because he wants her there, I wonder what the skids have been saying, they want both parents there that is why nothing is being to stop it. It is so cruel for them to allow it to continue, they do not have any regards to you emotional well- being. I know excately what you mean feeling uncomfortable, I've been to occasions where the BM has been and it is so fcuking u comfortable.
Reverse the scenario and every occasion you and DH ever go to from now on your ex husband will be there, ask your current DH how would he like that, there lies the answer.
I'm in that boat of "allow
I'm in that boat of "allow you"?? WTF is up with that? What position are you in that he's "allowing" or Not "allowing" you to go or not go somewhere?? You're an adult. WHY are you allowing a man to tell you where to you can or can not go?
He doesn't care about your feeling, he's telling you to leave if you keep arguing with him, he's told you this will never change. I fail to see where this man fits the word 'perfect' even remotely. A man that doesn't care about how you feel, won't compromise, and tells you that you have to do something that is painful and hurtful for you, and that he won't "allow" you to not attend something.... Yeah, sweetie, that's not perfect, that's controlling jackass that doesn't actually care about you. I'd take this as a beautiful invitation to move on.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments. Guess I needed a confirmation that this whole situation is just f-'d up.
Yes, we currently rent and live together. I have BS4 and BS6 myself, and he's good to them. "SD" live with BM full time, oldest moved in with her boyfriend. And yes, "SD's" want BM to be at events. SO made it clear things will not change, so I either accept it or not. Btw, he's a Disney Dad, which also sucks. When we were engaged, we were going to buy a house together. Now, I'm looking to buy just for myself and my sons, so looking for something affordable for a single mom. Until I find a place, that is when we decide whether we go separate ways or not. The housing market is crazy now!
@10gallonhat. That is exactly
@10gallonhat. That is exactly how I feel, no respect for my feelings. And you are right, I don't feel that he is committed. I on the other hand have made every effort to make this relationship work, and he's giving me the ultimatum.
You will have a life of
You will have a life of unhappiness with this man, he is a man with no honour.
Get yourself your own place for you and your kids you don't have any bios that would hold you there, a man is supposed to make you happy in every aspect if your life- is he??
Okay...I have this in my
Okay...I have this in my family and I will explain..
First of all, a divorce is a divorce, period. Other then events that include the children she should not be going to family events. As a woman she knows this. She should back out of the family and she has chosen not to...Not a good sign, and a definite red flag. Take the future dh out of the equation for just a moment, and realize that the bm is smart enough to know this.
Here is my situation as short as I can make it...DH's brother divorces wife after 35 years..3 adult children together. (40 years of age and older). I love my former sil and he was in the wrong, but all of that is not relevant.We love him too, and he after all is family. Their older daughter insisted that bm still come to all events on our side (hubby's)because she felt her mother was wronged. Since we are all normal, we all felt this was not acceptable. Their older daughter said she would not attend a function if it did not include her mother, ridiculous, and she is in her mid 40's...THIS is how my family handled it..We asked my bil directly what he wanted, he said to invite her...There is a possibility that something like that has occurred in your situation. My bil is now remarried to a wonderful woman that we all love too. I am not comfortable that his ex attends family events, and neither is the rest of the family. We love the ex wife, and could have a relationship outside of family events. We all feel she should have removed herself because it is the right thing to do. I would have removed myself. His new wife is not bothered by it, I have asked her directly...They are 70 now which could have something to do with it, but this has been going on for 16 years now.
I know you must love the man, but the bm should have bowed out from the family just as my sil should have, it is the right thing to do. I would think very carefully about marriage to this man, this is how your future will be. I will stick by my original point and say that a woman knows better. Your future DH should have an issue with this, unless he doesn't, or unless he was asked.
@silentnites, I agree that BM
@silentnites, I agree that BM should back out of the family. I would never do anything like that myself, if my ex husband finds someone he wants to be with. I would not make his new "wife" uncomfortable. Unfortunately, I have no control and no say in what BM does. I do sometimes think she does it on purpose, as there was one time where she went to FDH (I was sitting across the dining table from him) and showed him a picture of a car on her phone, saying, "look at what WE are going to get our DD". She totally ignored me and didn't share the picture with me, as if I wasn't there. WTH, right? Anyway, FDH doesn't think BM attending all events is an issue. And he doesn't think her comment was a big deal, the 'WE' part as if they were still together. I wish she had the decency to move on. Should I ask if she wants him back? If she does, then I'm happy to leave FDH. I'm just really tired of this sh**.
I don't think I would ask her
I don't think I would ask her that, it will let her know that she gets under your skin. I will say this though, that incident at the table with the picture was just plain rude, no getting around it. Is she going to try to get an invite to the wedding?
I feel bad for you and think you should consider your future with him. It's really not normal for that to occur. I know I would have not been able to handle it if my skids bm were at every event. Kids events and activities sure, but not gatherings. Does your future DH say he is doing it for the kids? It's like she doesn't want to be with him, but wants to parent as if they are still together. He would be hard pressed to find any woman to go along with that arrangement.
I can tell you that people
I can tell you that people need to relax a little about these things. My uncle and aunt divorced amicably about 6 years ago after about 40 years of marriage. He has remarried, she has not. I love them both dearly and so does everyone else in the family. When family gets together ( my mom, her two brothers, my cousins, etc) my aunt is always invited. I have a separate relationship with her, and a separate one with my uncle. His new wife lives in another city, and i have never met her. But then again, i live on another continent from the rest of the family. His sons do not seem interested in being too involved in his new family. May be this is coming... what i see right now is that we all love my aunt AND she is family. I remember he being so sweet to me when i was young. Why would i want to drop her now? I do not care that my uncle did. She is in my life.
In my previous marriage i made every effort to get along with my DH's ex-wife, and we invited her and her boyfriend over for family dinners.
Who needs the drama? Why can't we all live and let live??
I think that is great that it
I think that is great that it works for you. If your aunt decided to remarry and it was not okay with her spouse, then his feelings would have to be considered. The poster is not comfortable, and she is being forced to comply with what the family wants to continue. A divorce is a split of the relationship,the end of the union. It is not a normal situation to keep some things from the marriage that you like, while discarding the parts of the marriage you cannot live with.
If it works in your family that is wonderful, kudos to all of you, and that is your normal. It is what works for you.
Thank you, hypovic. That's
Thank you, hypovic. That's what FDH keeps telling, "will you RELAX???!!!" I used to ask him that question all the time, "if you guys get along so well, why divorce?". Anyway, if I had known BM is that close in the beginning, I wouldn't even get involved with this man. During the first year, he played it off, saying "I had no idea she'd be here" (at the gathering). He'd play it off like he didn't care she was there or he didn't want her there. After a year, after the endorphins wore off, he tells me that BM will always be there because skids want her there, and nothing will ever change. It then became FDH and "SD" and BM sitting at one table chit chatting while I sit at another table with my two DS's. WTH, right? I'm not saying BM can no longer hang out with FDH's family, but they can certainly do their own thing, as long as it doesn't involve me or my FDH.
You are right, CheriWilson. I
You are right, CheriWilson. I do feel out of place all the time and that is why I don't want to go to these family gatherings. SO does say to me his DD's come first. And get this, SO was previously engaged to another woman but broke it off because she slept with someone after he told her it's not working out (family related reasons again). He told me that his former fiancee used to sit in a corner and read a book at those gatherings. His excuse was "she didn't speak a lot of English" so that is why she's not mingling with his family. I'm sure she wasn't comfortable either. And maybe I'm over thinking this, but maybe his family doesn't respect our engagement because he's been engaged before and they didn't like her and they broke up. So to them engagement does not equal commitment. What's important to them is SO and BM had kids together. In any case, I'm just venting at this point. I know this situation is the sh*ts and I should leave. It's much easier said than done. If I were single with no kids, I'd be gone a long time ago.
Your OH is blackmailing you
Your OH is blackmailing you into submission, that is not a *partnership* that is a dictatorship and he is effectively trying to force you into a mold that he thinks you should fit into.
There are red flags popping up everywhere. OH lied to you during your honeymoon period about BM's involvement in family's events, it is clear he did so because he was insecure about whether you would hang about and accept this. OH KNOWS this is unhealthy hence his lie, if he thought it was normal then he would have been upfront at the beginning. Now he is secure in your relationship (i.e. feels he has you where he wants you) his real face has been revealed with the like it or lump it attitude. It seems to me his previous fiancee also had issues with this set up - OH has all but admitted it and he would prefer to treat his women with disrespect for the sake of the ex and his nearly adult children!
I genuinely think its not up to OH to prevent his family from inviting his ex, although most partners would at least ask for things to be changed (it seems his family are the same, they admit the ex shouldnt be there but then contradict themselves along with blaming you as the issue, because if YOU are the problem then nothing needs to change. Very manipulative) but if his family refused he should support your non attendance and consider not attending himself!
Now you know where you stand you really need to stand up for yourself and just not go. OH may try and challenge you, bully you into capitulating to his demands however you have a choice whether you engage with these attempts. Personally the best way to deal with that type of manipulative bullying is to remain calm and tell them once only where you stand (without swearing, losing your rag, being insulting) and then walking away. I am sure you have heard all of the insults before anyway, so just steel yourself and plug your ear holes.
With regards to you renting? I am assuming you both have a legal right to remain in the property and therefore your OH cannot force you out? I would start saving just in case, consider what will make you more secure given your OH is making these threats. Let me say to you from expereince that when a man makes those threats, they are reliant on your fear which will ensure they get their way. If you call their bluff it will show them that you cannot be rode rough shod over and if OH goes through with his threats, then in all seriousness you cannot trust him at all because he will blackmail you again once he knows that move works for his own gain!
Yeah...it seems that some
Yeah...it seems that some people don't fully understand how these divorces are supposed to work. I would throw an absolute FIT if the cow attended family gatherings for a family she has not been a part of for 25 freaking years!
Thank you all for making me
Thank you all for making me feel normal, that I'm not crazy and unreasonable. Sometimes I think maybe I'm just a b*tch and FDH says I'm full of drama. I love this forum, but reading about others horror stories scares me of what's out there :O
My brother just got divorced.
My brother just got divorced. (As in - this week.) And ya know... I really do like my ex-SIL. They were married 30 years. She is still my kids' aunt. Will I invite her to family stuff? No. Out of respect for my parents. Not for my brother (we have a difficult relationship). BUT... I would have no problem getting together with her otherwise. She's still part of my family.
Of course, I don't have a
Of course, I don't have a problem getting together with my sister's ex-husband either. He's a really nice guy and our whole family likes him, especially my mom. But we don't invite him to our family gatherings because my sister has a boyfriend and we wouldn't want to be disrespectful of her and her boyfriend.
Please don't let this man and
Please don't let this man and his WIFE disrespect u anymore. Divorce or not she has wife status. Bm knows it, ur dh knows it and his family knows it. I don't now what ur role is in his life but it's definitely NOT that of potential spouse. That slot is filled. Please please do more than vent and either claim ur rightful place or tell them all to go to hell and get out with some self respect.
Have to be honest - I would
Have to be honest - I would rather have my ex SIL over than my brother. He's a dick. I wouldn't invite her to family gatherings now, since I won't disrespect my parents that way. But when they are gone? I would invite her over him, any day.
But my brother and I have a long (negative) history, and the only reason we have contact at this point is for my parents.