Don't know what to do about my fiance's daughter
I am 32 and engaged to a great guy who has a 5 year old daughter. He lives with me and she is with us Tuesdays and Thursdays in the evening and 3 weekends of the month. I love children. I teach kids with special needs. However I do not like his daughter. She is very manipulative and difficult. It doesn't help that her mother and her mother's family lie and encourage her to lie and she has no discipline except when she is with her father and me. Her mother does not have her in preschool (her birthday is late in the year so she started kindergarten next fall). I am taking classes on Tuesday nights currently to avoid seeing her as often and I look forward to the weekend she isn't with us.
I used to hope we could get joint custody when she turns 6, but now I am looking forward to the visitation change when she is 6 which means she will be with us less.
When she is with us I am constantly disciplining her. Any progress made in behavior is lost when she leaves. I keep on thinking it will get better, but I have doubts. I want children of my own, but having a child around 20% of the time that is spoiled 80% of the time is not what I want around for my future children. My friends with kids don't want her around because she is a bad influence and my family also tell me how difficult she is.
Add to the fact, I am currently supporting my fiance as his business gets off the ground. He has no money because of how the divorce went and all his money goes to child support, gas, and car insurance. I love him, but I feel trapped. I thought I could handle being a stepparent but I dislike his daughter. I work with kids with emotional/behavioral disorders and feel like I am at work when I am with her, working on the most basic behavior skills. She is manipulative and sneaky and he adores her (as any parent should). I like my nieces and nephews more and prefer to spend time with them rather than my fiance's daughter. Heck, I enjoy my emotionally/behaviorally disturbed students more.
With all this, I knew I should break up with him, but I do love him, and as stated before I financially support him, so if I break up with him, he is without a home and has no real options. He loves me and is very sweet and I love him. But I don't know if I can handle this child for another 13 years. Does it get better? Am I overreacting?
I'm crying over this right now because I feel so conflicted. I can't tell him I don't like his daughter. I have been hoping for months that her behavior would get better and being around her would feel less like work and more like being around a child I like. It doesn't help that she shows me no affection unless it is a show for when she is around other people.
Does anyone have any words of wisdom? I knew every situation is unique, but I really don't have anyone I can talk to about this that has any perspective.
You're not overreacting and I
You're not overreacting and I hate to tell you this, but it doesn't get better, it gets worse.
You don't say much about how your fiance deals with her other than that he adores her. Does he discipline? Is he the one cooking for, cleaning up after, putting to bed, bathing, etc this little girl or is that mostly left to you? When you have to correct her, how does he respond?
If he's anything less than supportive of you in your role, if he's leaving all the hard work of parenting to you, if he gets defensive when his daughter is bad and accuses you of picking on her or not liking her, etc, no, it won't get any better. It will get much much worse.
You're already avoiding Your house because you're so unhappy there. You're already considering not having children with this man because SD will be such a bad influence. You're supporting him and his daughter completely it sounds like. I don't know how long it's been like this, but this is not the recipe for wedded bliss. This in the making of a very nasty divorce.
The other thing to consider is you say 13 years... it doesn't end when they turn 18. When they are raised to be spoiled, entitled, self-centered brats, that switch doesn't flip when they legally become an adult. She will still be a manipulative liar, she will still make your life as miserable as it is now if that's what you allow. Daddy will not suddenly see flaws in her and adore her any less because she's now an adult. The excuse just changes.
He's a grown man. You are providing him the luxury of trying to make his own business. If you break it off it's not that he doesn't have other options, it's that he doesn't have options that he Likes. He can get a job to support himself and a second job if that's what it takes. There are shelters. There are rooms for rent. You are not this man's mother, it is not your responsibility to take care of him or make sure he has a roof and food.
You Love him, he Loves you. Yet you are miserable and it doesn't get better. Ask around here - Love isn't enough to outweigh the resentment, the anger and the bitterness that comes with having to deal constantly with a kid that is disrespectful and manipulative or feeling like you can't have children of your own because of a terror baby.
My perspective is you don't have kids with this man and you aren't married. Get out before you become any more tied to a situation that makes you miserable.
Get out and donot look back.
Get out and donot look back. Love is not supposed to make you miserable and cry. Listen to your instincts that tell you to leave.I agree with everything Aeron has said. I wish I exited earlier and did not wait for 3 1/2 years when it was more difficult and messy. Experience is the best teacher- you learned your lesson now it is time to move on.
Step back and look at this a
Step back and look at this a little more objectively.
You are NOT responsible for his welfare. period. dot.
It is kind of you to take care of him financially but he needs be responsive to your needs and wants. If you can't tell him how you feel you have no business even considering a life with him.
You don't have to tell him that you hate his daughter, but three weekends a month is just too much. Let him see the child off premises. You are going above board being his total support and he is totally taking advantage of it.
Think about it. Why should you bend over backwards to give him everything he wants while you are suffering?
Make all the demands that you want - what is he going to do? Leave you?
You MUST communicate with him. It is not fair to him not to at least give him a chance to man up.
Please stop thinking he
Please stop thinking he doesn't have other options.
If you toss his ass out, he will:
1. Find a job and support himself.
2. Find another woman to use.
Woman willing to support a man come a dime a dozen. A useless man can alwayd find a victim.
Please stop thinking he
Please stop thinking he doesn't have other options.
If you toss his ass out, he will:
1. Find a job and support himself.
2. Find another woman to use.
Don't believe he will buckle to you demands just because you're supporting him.
Women willing to support a man come a dime a dozen. A useless man can always find a victim.
^^^^^^^ This is so true. You
^^^^^^^ This is so true. You will become the bad guy and she will hate you more as time goes by. I moved in w/SD (25 at the time) and DH and few years ago. SD had no chores . .paid a pittance in rent and did as she pleased. DH didn't even want to give her a move out date so her stay w/us was open ended. I changed that, so SD did every mean spirited, evil thing in her power to force me out. She finally got her stuff together and moved out. Today we have no relationship.
I believe in obligations over aspirations. If your BF wants to start/grow a business he needs to hold down a full-time job to pay the bills until the business generates a liveable income. Why are you picking up the slack? What is he doing for you and just how are you benefitting from this relationship? He doesn't work and you don't like his daughter. Get out now before vesting any more time or energy into this one sided dead end relationship.
Put your nike's on and R.U.N.
Put your nike's on and R.U.N.
I think that it can get
I think that it can get better- but only if the daughter lives with you 100% of the time. Then, you could work with her on her manipulative behavior. If she's going back and forth, the time you DO spend with her is worse than if she lived with you 100% of the time.