End off the line!
If any of you have read my posts you will see that when I was last on here I saw a positive change in my DH attitude to the whole situation and we was going to change tack - I also stopped thinking that so much of this stress cam from the BM, etc, etc, etc as people on here kind of pointed that out BUT we have gone from hell to burning Hell!!!!!
And my DH is not going to see his BD8 for 6 months with a view of not seeing her till she is independent of her pathological lying, destructive, coke bitch of a mother.
This was his conclusion not mine and I spelt it out to him that this was to be his choice and he should be clear about it- He said he want's to save our marriage, live a normal life, and put our child B2 and my BS15 first ...
This is after we have exhausted every other avenue for a peaceful, normal, healthy life.
We all have a right to that...
He will show his BD all the emails, txt, solicitors letters, etc, etc when she is older and explain his side and how he had no other choice. They have years to build a healthy relationship free of her mother when she is older..
You don't have to live in Hell! it is okay to take charge we have one life.
Hey Debz - I do not know
Hey Debz - I do not know about your back story but I DO know about what it is like to live a life which is made miserable because of a psycho BM and a damaged spoilt child.
I think its always a really difficult path to tread in terms of trying to control the impact a harassing ex has on your life and your marriage. Court is an option but this really does depend on whether you can afford it and whether it is really going to have an impact on the BM's tenacity in assuming they *own* the skid. I note you are in the UK, same here, while in some cases the courts can be invaluable in addressing a situation where the BM is obstructing and being emotionally abusive to the skids, while simultaneously harassing our partners/us however I have known quite a few people who have financially ruined themselves in this process and their ex's have successfully managed to play the system with plausible excuses as to why little junior is unable to attend dad's weekend/holiday. Not to mention, poisoned the child against the dad and family. Sometimes its a no win situation.
I also know it can virtually kill the stepfamily in terms of the psychological impact on them. It nearly did with my partner and he is still suffering now.
There is nothing wrong in considering the other children in this equation, as they are just as important.
It can be a really difficult to make the right decision given you do not know the final outcome. At what point is enough? Not only for you and your family, but on the impact and damage it is doing to skid? Urgh. A horrible dilemma indeed.
No it hasn't been an easy
No it hasn't been an easy decision it have been the last option other than more pain for us and the other children as another home is about to break up. And my DH is going to have a breakdown, we are talking about a strong hard working devoted father that has been destroyed by a crazy angry woman. And a difficult Daughter there is no happiness in this situation just pain and misery . As I replied to another post both the SD and BM are sunning themselves in Thailand leaving us in the wake of another torrid situation. Great eh?!
Thanks for your support and understanding Ditzy
Delilah -Thank you for taking
Delilah -Thank you for taking the time to write this reply - it seems the children who live in the home are given no rights and that we have no rights, that we all have to live a miserable life that is literally destroying our marriage and their childhood as we are so consumed by it all as there is no let up. I am not the person I was it's like the light has gone out and I go through the motions of life everyday just getting ready for the next hit. My son told me I had changed and that he had enough.
The venom i get on here that he has made this decision is shocking when I read post after post of people living in hell...
Whimsey6 - thank you for your
Whimsey6 - thank you for your support, can I asked how long it has been since you stepped back and what has happened since then? x
She is going to be a messed
She is going to be a messed up woman regardless of what he does, fact! - sad but true I done hate her as I read on here I give her so much time as he does but we cannot live like this - walk in a man's shoes before you judge- trust me I would be thinking the same before I was embroiled in this hell..........
Yes it's all him isn't it? -
Yes it's all him isn't it? - he admits his mistakes the biggest one being involved with her and their unplanned daughter. So he should put that daughter before himself, his family, his other children, even if one is step, yes? so she is the only one that has rights - okay thenI think Karma will be dealing her mother a blow not him.
Sigh... I hope that Dad
Sigh... I hope that Dad understands that, in 10 years? Nothing he shows his daughter will negate his abandonment. He needs to know that he is likely never going to have that healthy relationship.
He is never going to have a
He is never going to have a healthy relationship like it is now either.
Just so long as he's aware.
Just so long as he's aware.
ETA - and that is not meant as aggressive. He needs to make whatever decision he sees fit to. But he should not expect sunshine and roses in 10+ years.
I know it's terribly that we
I know it's terribly that we are having to do this - to be honest though either way her mother will poison her against us if we are there or not it has already started.
Had BM been a coke addict, I
Had BM been a coke addict, I guarantee you my husband would've taken custody of his daughter.
Your SD is EIGHT. I think that bears repeating, she is EIGHT.
Five years ago I would have
Five years ago I would have said the same thing as you are now.
No she is not a coke addict -
No she is not a coke addict - she goes out and parties all the time and takes coke, leading to poor mental health and crazy behaviour. she holds down a job and from the outside appears sain - But she is a pathological liar honestly I am not just throwing around an insult she is.
Firstly we do not have the money or the means to fight and take custody and his BD wouldn't want that - secondly my DH has tried mediation, solicitors, counselling, letters, emails, ignoring her, setting up boundaries, and on and on and on - She is mental and it will not stop.
We are married and my eldest son lives with us full time, there is no drama with him or his father, he has had to witness untold stress from this woman though and we also have our son together whom is two.
WHY is it so terrible to say enough is enough? do you honestly think this has been an easy decision to make has been made after a few weeks not years of abuse and stress? it is their childhood also, and our marriage is breaking down as we have had no peace never not even on our wedding day, or the day I gave birth to my son.
The only person on here that has written anything that is not aggressive is Deliliah - we know this is extreme but it is this or another child grows up with a part time dad and my son looses another father figure, and we end a marriage that could work - SO yes its a terrible situation but why should four people loose their family and lives as they know for the sake of one?!
We are both depressed and all but consumed by this drama we have no other choice. Maybe the skid will be okay and they will have a normal relationship did you ever think about that I know adults that do and had an absent parent when they were children...
Your right 8 the personality
Your right 8 the personality is already set - she is difficult and we put it down to us - but I have since heard different and understood why she is the way she is. We have tried everything and yes sometimes you have to walk away the other children have rights one of them is only two and still has a chance not to be damaged from this..
I do know of people who have been in this situation and are okay my stepfather had no choice but to do this to his bio children- he now has good relationships with all five of them. AND they understand why he had to walk away. Thank you for being understanding and for your input. x
I guarantee you this-they
I guarantee you this-they WILL NOT ever have years to rebuild a healthy relationship when she is older. There will NOT be a relationship. She is going to HATE your husband. He is making a terrible mistake.
You know that could happen
You know that could happen even if we carry on this path and the other two will also be screwed up! maybe it will be ok?
It's not going to be ok. And
It's not going to be ok. And I say this from years of working with kids with behavioral and emotional issues, many of whom had abandonment issues. I am not trying to be mean to you, but as some have already said-your DH cannot plan on building a relationship with her later down the road. He needs to be prepared for the fact that she will hate him. And he is going to have major, major guilt.
I really feel for you. I have 3 young adult skids who are TERRIBLE. But, I do not believe on giving up on your child at this young of an age. If your SD were 18, maybe even 16 or 17, I could understand it a whole lot more. But, she is only 8. And yes, her mom is poisoning her now, which is what my husband's ex did. His kids have a very estranged relationship with him due to her PAS, and I believe there are genetic problems, too, from BM's side. My husband feels bad now, even though he has tried and tried. But, they are adults now. He would be feeling a whole lot worse if he had given up when they were 8.
You really need to be prepared for a different kind of hell, because this is not going to end well for any of you. Like I said, I understand, but his daughter is too young for him to be making this decision. If she was older, at least he could say he tried.
I respect you writing a post
I respect you writing a post that was in disagreement with me without being abusive, thank you. I know we have tried everything but we honestly haven't had a moments peace in five years. It takes it's toll no matter what we do our lives are tainted and his daughter will be messed up.
But we can protect the other children who are also innocent and deserve happiness and normality this is their lives also.
It also could be that she will understand when she is older and experiences her mother as an adult as sees how dysfunctional she is.
I am not a bio mother so I
I am not a bio mother so I probably don't get the whole bio link. Blood means nothing to me. I come from a huge family. Sometimes people who are blood to you have to be let go.
I know that most see this as an 8 year old who needs help. But sometimes 8 is just too late. Ask some of the people who adopt older children that end up incorrigible.
My older SS ended up a deceased criminal at 35. He was horrible at 7 (pre-divorce) and only got worse no matter how much effort was put in. My DH actually took off work for a solid year and spent all of the time with him at 8 - it didn't help.
Sometimes people are just born with bad genes. As much as I dislike BM she never used any drugs or alcohol, had a job, went to church, etc. She suffered from extreme depression and low self esteem which led to her whoring around all her life but the child was not privy to her actions with other men.
I know of an intact family where the oldest child (daughter) was horrible (violent) to her younger siblings. They did everything for her. She is now in her 30s living in a group home with severe problems.
No one wants to throw away a young child but sometimes you just have to protect the other children. I think my younger SS's problems would not be as bad as they are if he had been isolated from his older brother (10 years older).
I don't disagree. Dad just
I don't disagree. Dad just needs to be aware of how it is most likely to turn out.
He has other choices. He has
He has other choices. He has decided to take the easy way out.
Leaving his child with a POS mom is easier than fighting for her.
Walking away from his child is easier than getting a second job to cover court cost.
SICK,SICK,SICK
THE EASY WAY OUT??? REALLY???
THE EASY WAY OUT??? REALLY??? my god!!!
Second job? okay yes he can walk all day then do night shifts, he already works from 5.00 till 6.30 - no he should's see his family or his son as he should be working 24 hours a day to fight some more and then loose some more! the daughter doesn't want to live with us we have asked!!!!!
You need to think before you write honestly.
Yes they are
Yes they are
She's 8. She shouldn't have
She's 8. She shouldn't have the power to decide which parent she lives with.
Sorry I don't agree, she is
Sorry I don't agree, she is close with her BM and want's to be there also as she has a little sister there. We wouldn't win anyway we are dealing with a manipulative lier that will stop at nothing to get her way. We would be wasting money we don't have.
Thank you for your reply- I
Thank you for your reply- I have said this to him, I agree with you about the guilt. It's like whatever we/he does we will not win. I am glad you acknowledged the other children they are also innocent and deserve a better reality.
We are at breaking point - I want to walk I really do I feel desperate for calm and head space.
All the court and lawyering
All the court and lawyering in the world is not going to fix a damaged child.
Darn right there....
Darn right there....
Exactly
Exactly
She is not violent towards
She is not violent towards her, she is neglectful and selfish. She is manipulative and the Sd has already learned this behaviour her visits are not happy ones as she is already so dysfunctional- we both give her heaps of love and attention and it never helps its never enough.
We feel we have no other choice other than a life of misery and two extra screwed up children they matter too, they have a right to be happy also right?!
My inlaws are behind our decision as they have seen what we living with.
This hasn't been easy and as you obviously also have experience of a BM from hell I am glad you understand some.
<3 This. I also do not agree
<3
This. I also do not agree with knee-jerk absolutes in anything, least of all what a parent has to do.
Thank you for your kind words
Thank you for your kind words and understanding. It is an agonising decision I too feel guilty and horrible about it all, but we can't survive this we don't have another year in us. You right as has been posted why should one persons happiness be put before the rest- the SD is currently in Thailand her third holiday this year. She hardly has a tough life! a crap mother yes but she in so many ways has a better life then the two boys.. We have been left with the fall out from a horrible situation that has pretty much floored me - while the BM then flys of to Thailand without a care in the world..
Debs - I would take what you
Debs - I would take what you can from this thread and discard the extremely judgemental stuff. Its easy to make a judgement when you are not walking in someone elses shoes.
I bet your partner is heartbroken over this situation and you are feeling terrible also. This is not an easy decision and one I can imagine you came to lightly. Is it ideal? No, but I am sure it is not one you choose freely either. Sometimes your hand is forced when the person pushing is so filled with hate.
I think the majority of posters reactions on this thread is quite disappointing because while not everyone is going to understand and agree with this type of decision, it is another thing to go for your throat so unsympathetically and make some snap judgements.
I remember talking to a an ex work colleague (ex police Inspector) about this very subject. He had remarried and had two children with his current wife, however he had an adult daughter with his first wife. During a dark time for me, I was so grateful he recognised the agony my family were going through and explained his situation to me as it made me feel I wasn't so alone and I was not a monster. He explained that he fought for custody of his DD and received access to her, sadly the mother PASed her to death and the mother was a nightmare in playing obstructive games while poisoning his dd. In the end after nearly sending him over the edge he stopped seeing his dd when she was about 8 but reconnected when she was older. Sadly, his relationship was not great (unsurprising given her mother's emotional abuse and her dad's absence) so I think these types of stories, which involve normal, nice people, happens more often than we think. People just do not admit to it as they get villified even when the ones pointing the fingers have not lived that life.
Thing is, while they point that finger, four more are pointing right back at them.
Hugs.
Thank you for your words, I
Thank you for your words, I am looking for to share this as it is so hard and to be honest was expecting the haters. You know I would have been self righteous years ago myself before I was put in this position. You get to a cross roads in life and you have to make a decision.
Maybe she will understand when as a mature person she can also see her BM for who she is and understand.
I am sorry your DH didn't have a healthy relationship with his DD in the end but maybe it would have been like that anyway as well as him being a broken man had he not stepped back.
dtzyblnd yes totally - I am a
dtzyblnd yes totally - I am a product of divorce where my mother left and I didn't see her much, I have a good relationship with her now and understand. I am also not messed up from it.. My DH was in boarding school when his mother left and moved to Italy with her new DH he is also okay and as a mature adult is glad his mother did have the strength to leave his dad and build a new life. They have a really good relationship also.
The reason the SD has all these issues is down to her screw ball mother, the fact she was pregnant to another man within a month of leaving her dad. And is preoccupied with him, her social life and career. And yes the Sd is becoming a mirror image of her.
We have cried, had outside advice, argued, thought and talked a lot, to come to this decision. I would not know where to start with all the stories as to how bad it has been, but believe me its extreme and bad.
I am sorry you have a mare of a SIL disengaging is defiantly the right thing to do. Thank you for your understanding and wisdom I am on here as I am still reaching out for answers I guess.
My heart also goes out to OP
My heart also goes out to OP as well. For those who thinks this is the "easy" way out, I think they have never been in a position where someone who they are supposedly responsible for absolutely destroys their life. Someone who society determines they must love, who terrorizes them and their other loves ones to the point where they cannot live even a semblance of a peaceful life. Sure, they can be a martyr and try their whole lives to "do the right thing" and what reward do they usually get?
Nothing. Nothing at all except a wasted life and a child who, literally, no matter what, will always believe them to be the bad one,
To protect the other people in the household, her DH did, in my mind, a noble thing. Would it be easier to divorce or live separately from each other? Resorted to having a part time wife, a part time husband, and now their other kid is going to grow up in a broken family as well? The idea that the moral duty to take care of a child you had no matter what seems to be prevalent--but only biased towards fathers.
When a mother can't take care of a child any more, and she gives up her child to adoption, foster homes, or custody to the biofather, she is applauded as a hero. For knowing that she doesn't have the resources or power to do it. It is sick to me that there is this double standard.
OP, my DH has also stepped back and hopes that in the future perhaps they may have a relationship. If they don't he is fully prepared to accept that, but he knows from reading and researching and the fact that I almost walked out many times due to how chaotic life was, that he wasn't willing to be the martyr because it never comes out right. He deserved to live his life as well. Call him selfish, call him a deadbeat (although he pays and pursued to set CS), but then please call any parent who has ever given up a child to adoption, or signed over custody to someone who the child was happy with a selfish deadbeat as well.
On another note, my ailing grandmother was an absolute psycho. Locked my mom out of the house, caused her miscarriage, caused depression in her where she wanted to kill herself (despite spending all her time taking care of the woman), called me and my sister names, before my father decided enough was enough, she was to go live with either his brothers or a home, but no longer in our house.
In an asian household, to give up your parents and not let them live with you is considered shameful, a bad child--it's akin to giving up your child, an extremely horrible thing to do. But what was the right thing to do? My dad decided the right thing was to isolate and protect the majority because this was the lesser of the two evils in his eyes.
Your reply just brought tears
Your reply just brought tears to my eyes! this has been so hard, and yes I was about to walk and yes there would be more damaged children, a broken man and a broken woman. Our youngest is only two. He is being strong for this family my god EASY! it's that hardest thing he has ever had to do.
My DH will still pay child support and give xmas and birthday gifts -
Children grow up (quickly these days) and move on with their lives should he sacrifice his world, marriage and other children to fulfil the martyr role that is put upon all parents. NO he shouldn't.
I understand how hard that decision must have been for an Asian household I have always admired the family ethos in the Asian community and is makes feel normal to know that anyone can be in the position of having to put a family before and individual.
It is the lesser of two evils.
You never know the BM could have a huge wake up call by this and realise she does not have the power she thinks she does and that my DH will not just be there regardless of her treatment.
Society is full of self righteous hypocrites - I think there is strength in what both our DH have done.
I think, that its sad... And
I think, that its sad... And I hate to say it...but that's life. Sometimes you just have to play the hand you are dealt. Parents and children go separate ways ALL the time. For big reasons, for little reasons. At 5, and at 20.
I never knew my dad. And maybe I do have some unforeseen abandonment issues, but I'm ok. At least I think I am. I don't have him, or resent him. I haven't required years of therapy to get passed and get over why daddy left. My mom admits that she pushed him away because she was afraid he would take me from her. (years later)
It is what it is. I haven't read the back blogs, so I'm sure I will be "attacked" for not knowing the story. Guess there does seem to be a lot of attacking on here, I may need to retract my earlier post.
I commend your husbands decision. We all talk about putting our spouses first, our kids first Blagh Blagh Blagh. How husband should put his foot down to an unruly teen, and kick them out, and not let them come to their home. Or shut BM down because she is crazy, and not engage her.
And I see post like this, and I can't help but think...this is the result. You either suck it up and deal with a monster , no mannered, disrespectful child who is not ur own... Or they get removed from your lives. That is the only and only true solution. That, or divorce. How dare this man put his wife and other children before this nightmare?
I guess we could try the usual, get FULL CUSTODY, or Therapy Solutions, or living apart. Or appeasing BM.
Seems you can't win either way on steptalk.
But it sounds like op has been thru it. And imagine the disdain for DH if he had said, nope, my dtr is most important, I'm going to get another job, and move out and sink all my money into this situation and attys. So dear wife, you are are your own with those other kids. Best wishes.
I think that none of us know how this kid will turn out. A lot of it has to do with parenting. If BM is that worthless, then whether dad is there or not, then I can kinda guess how her life will play out. I'm also guessing that when BM party ends, she will be calling DH for help and support. And some people are just nuts.
I wish you the best with this choice. It must be hard for DH to come to a conclusion like that, and I can only imagine the circumstances.
Notagain21- 'But it sounds
Notagain21- 'But it sounds like op has been thru it. And imagine the disdain for DH if he had said, nope, my dtr is most important, I'm going to get another job, and move out and sink all my money into this situation and attys. So dear wife, you are are your own with those other kids. Best wishes.'
I know what a complete bastard that he didn't do this- as was posted by another blogger, children of divorce are not all victims that should be wrapped up in cotton wool (or silk and gold as the BM would have it) they do not have rights over everyone else in the family.
Sadly the truth is the Sd will have issues at the age of 8 she already does and they are down to her mother - she recently told her BM that she behaves better for us, when the BM asked why she said because there are rules and I will get told off!!!! we are fighting a loosing battle.
What I hope will happen is that the BM will have the shock of realising that she just went to far for way to long and that she doesn't have the power and weapon (her daughter ) she thinks she has. Maybe she will put her daughter first for a change. Why is the responsibility at her door.
Your right you can't win on here but I can bet you that there is many woman on here that would wish that their DH would put them and their kids before the skids and BM's from hell......
It may only have to be till she is 13/14 has her own mobile etc -
Lastly thank you for your words and understanding it helps x
DH and I removed SD from our
DH and I removed SD from our lives when she was 11. Her BM was prepping her to go into court 2 years later and say she wanted to move 500 miles away with BM.
She damn near destroyed DH and my relationship with the PAS bullshit she inflicted on that child. Right down to the point that SD11 at the time got combative with my child hovering a baseball bat over my DD while she had her pinned to the ground. That was it I was done.
Now when SD was 16 we took custody of her again probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life, my heart ached for the life she had and the way she was treated. Some here think Im just the devil posing as a SM by saying this was a mistake but it was. She is damaged goods, what ever thought I had about fixing her I have realized I cant fix the damage she has had tossed upon her in the last 17 years.
So yes I understand, I understand the need to save yourself and your family. These kids are pumped constantly about how awful their fathers are. SD17 loves DH as long as BM isnt filling her head with BS and DH is doing exactly what she wants. But Hell have no fury if he attempts to parent her.
Second eviction date is June 30 2014 when she graduates, and I dont feel bad about it either.
See I agree with you. These
See I agree with you. These children are filled with hate towards their father I haven't written this before as it opens up a whole new chapter to this saga, but here it is..
My DH had a dd3 when he met his ex, he was very young when he had her and horrible as it is to say it was a mistake. BUT he was an excellent father and had a very close bond with his DD- his ex had acted as a step parent to her through their relationship which was 12years. She had also begrudged her presence as hisDD came to stay most holidays as she lived far away from them (AS the BM had moved her away) Now his DD had all her life been poisoned against my DH - this woman her BM is alone in her 40's and is now bitter and lonely. When my DH split with his ex his dd wad 13- it was a messy split up and his ex was pregnant with her new man within a month (nice) - she hated the fact my DH had moved on and wasn't on his knees begging her to come back once he had met me, we took our relationship very slowly but I do now think we should have waited a year as it was so messy- SO anyway his first DD13 took the split very hard and was filled with more poison from his ex as well as having had that her whole life from her BM. It has now been five years and she has had little contact with my DH has all but broken his heart and rejected her brother (our son) and plays happy families with his ex and her new family. The BM supports this and they all call each other mum, aunty, calls his ex's new DD3 her sister when she is no relation etc, etc it's so screwed up. He has tried everything but has now given up she is now 19years.
The ex recently told me (we hardly speak but she cornered me at a birthday party) and told all this hatful stuff the DD19 had said about my DH his family and me amounting to an accisation that when she was 13- I stabbed her!!!!!!!! really!!!! this is a girl I have only spent two afternoons with ever, that her grandmother had abandoned her in Italy when she wen't to visit - all just lies there is plenty more - off course my DH wrote an email to his DD19 about this he had to these are grave accusations and lies. What he had back was her BM being abusive telling him he was viscous he had broken her blah, blah, blah oh and off course that butter wouldn't melt and that she had no responsability in her behaviour over the last five years! oh and off course no she never said anything hmmmm who is lying here and why?
So she denied all of this and now his ex is saying she won't get involved and is now sunning herself in Thailand while we deal with world war three! great work again from the ex!!!
SO - if the ex has done this with a girl that is not her daughter she has successfully convinced her we had an affair (we didn't) I am an alcoholic (I rarely drink) both me and my DH are violent and abusive (no not true either) and that she is her family. Can you see that pattern my DH has already been through this, he didn't want to be in this position again the ex got herself pregnant while lying about her dates, birth control etc.. As the relationship was breaking down. Can you imagine how much she is twisting her own DD against my DH and us if she can do this with his other DD....
Does he put himself through this for years and his family when the outcome is already staring us in the face in the shape of his eldest?
You can't win with some people she has got lying and manipulation down to a fine art we can't win with her.
So I don't blame you for wanting your Sd out sometimes you just cannot deal with these skids they have been filled with poison over a lifetime how can we win over that......... We can't and its sad but I am not prepared to sacrifice my happiness anymore or my own kids and neither is my DH.. We will just have to wear the stepmother from hell badge while these people are paraded as the victims - it's tragic as this is a better way but that is for the skids and their mothers to learn we will sure as hell kill ourselves trying to teach this...
It's sad that it comes to
It's sad that it comes to this - that a father could be driven to tis but like you say it can be okay. At least this young girl will not be at the centre of a war for the rest of her childhood. I can see how much she is damaged we have tried and tried to protect her we cannot win with this woman. I am glad things have turned out okay for you and your sister. x