Hi All,

New on here, so please bear with me. I feel like my head is going to explode...

I am 30, and have no kids. I have been with my SO for 3 years. He has 2 children, 12 and 5, with his ex. They split 3 months after #1 was born, and #2 resulted from a drunken one night stand (apparently) with BM, seven years later, after his long term relationship with another woman broke down. SO and BM were only casually seeing each other when #1 was conceived. It is a very bitter and volatile relationship between SO and BM. SO tried to commit suicide when he found out about child #2, as he could not bear the thought of another innocent life being dragged in to the whole sorry mess. He wanted a termination, she refused. Child #1 was in counselling at age 3 because of all the fights and arguments that he witnessed. All sounds terrible, I know... They were both very young, and very stupid. I am also aware that there are two sides to every story, and that the truth probably differs somewhat from the version of events that I've been told. Doesn't it always?

When I first met SO, I was very wary about getting involved with a man with kids. Never done it before, by choice, don't have much experience around children, and I've never been what you would call a "child" person. I made it very clear to SO before we began our relationship that I wanted NO involvement with his kids, and he accepted that. Boy! Was I naive!! He painted such a pretty picture of the whole situation, that by the time I realised what a hugely detrimental effect those 2 kids have on his life, it was too late and I was totally, utterly, head over heels in love with him.

Fast forward 3 years to now... SO is still living with his parents, at age 32, because of the HUGE amount of CS he pays. Because of the guilt he feels, he pays well over the odds. The kids do not see this money, she is on social, doesn't work, has a brand new car, goes out clubbing every weekend, is living the life of Riley at his expense. If he tries to cut her down, she makes life very unpleasant indeed. He works a ridiculous shift pattern, so only ever gets about 1 weekend off every 6 weeks, yet she constantly berates him for not having the kids enough, even though he has them every decent slot of spare time he gets. It drives me insane!!

So, where do I fit in??

I feel like I am waiting for an absolution, that is never going to come. We fight about him having his kids every weekend he has off. We fight about the money. We fight about the fact that his Mum still has a picture of BM on the living room wall, in the house that he still lives in. BM looks for my FB profile, and texts him cruel jibes about the profile pictures of me and him together. She HATES that he is happy with me. His sister is best friends with BM, and looks at me like I'm something unpleasant that she stepped in.

(Reading back on what I have written, I'm wondering what the hell I am still doing in this mess?!!)

Worst part is that SO is now starting to push for me to get involved with his children. It honestly breaks his heart that I will not, and I feel terrible for it. He really wants us to have a little family unit - he's never had that, he was cut out of both pregnancies, so his experience of fatherhood has been altogether terrible. I do not feel I can go to his parents house, with BMs picture on the wall and play happy families with HER kids.

Problem is - I resent the children so much. I mean REALLY resent them. Just for existing. I am a TERRIBLE person. I know that, but I cannot stop myself thinking of everything that we could be, and we could have, if he had not f***** up his life so badly. I wish he had been honest at the outset about how awful the situation was, so I could have made an informed decision about it.

Does anyone else feel this way?

I feel I have wasted 3 years of my life. But when BM and the kids are out of the picture we are SO happy. And despite everything we are incredibly in love. To make matters worse, I am getting to the point where I would love kids of my own, with him. I want to marry him. I have never wanted children before. Being from a messed up family, I always swore that I would never have kids with just anyone. That it would have to be THE ONE. Seems such a cruel twist of fate that my ONE, is the only one of my boyfriends with a whole load of hassle and baggage trailing after him. I almost want to throw myself on the floor and have an all-out toddler tantrum, screaming "IT'S NOT FAIR!!", at the top of my lungs How can I have a child with a man who cannot even afford to move out of his parents house?? I feel though, that he has paid for his mistakes. He is the best father he can be to those kids. Surely he deserves a shot at happiness with me? I know that he would LOVE to have a child with me, to actually get to be a real father, experience the pregnancy, be more than a cash machine to a woman who never wanted anything more than a sperm donor and someone to pay for her lifestyle.

(Really - what am I still doing here??)

I almost feel like I am waiting to wake up one morning, and *poof!*, they will have magically disappeared. I wish, I wish....

So, here's the crunch - do I relent? Stop fighting the situation, meet and embrace the kids, and try, try my very hardest to make things work?

Or do I walk away from the one man that I have truly ever loved, and try to find someone who will make ME number one, who I can share the joy of a first child, marriage, and a bright future with? That's what all my friends have found. And to be honest, I'm so jealous of them that I can barely see straight.

I'm sorry for the rant. It's been a long time in the making...

All help, gratefully received.