Dislike for sd is on a gut level it is pure revolusion
I am dating a man with 2 children. I do not in anyway like either child. They are rude, obnoxious, spoiled and just generally unpleasant to be around. But they are children and most children at some point are all those things, just part of being a child. My problem with his 7 year old daughter though is not just dislike for bad annoying behavior. My feelings of absolute disgust and revulsion for her are on a gut, instinctual almost animal level. The feelings are absolutely beyond control. The sound of her voice is like nails on a chalkboard and it makes me want to scream. Her physical appearance makes my skin crawl. I find nothing in anyway appealing about her. It has gotten to the point that I can not use a throw blanket or pillow or even dishes if I know she has used them. I feel like throwing up at the mention of her name. I cannot stand to even see a picture of her. Never in my life have I ever felt this way about anothe human being. I don't know where it comes from. My bf has recently moved in with me. Before he moved in i made it clear that to me he was not a package deal and that his daughter was absolutley not welcome in my home. I do what I can to encourage him to spend time with her, because I know it is important to him. That time just cannot be in my home. If i see her kiss or hug him it will take me a day before I can stomach the thought of thouching him. I can not express strongly enought what a gut level these feelings come from. They are not anything I choose to feel. And I feel terrible about it. Has anyone else ever had this strong of a reaction to ss or sd? I know it makes me a bad person but I cannot help what I feel.
His kids aren't a drag to me
His kids aren't a drag to me because they arent my concern or responsibility. I do NOT resent the time he spends with them and do infact encourage him to see them. And the reason he moved in was because his apartment was damaged which made it unliveable. He was aware from date 1 that i wasn't interested in being in a step mom roll. Until the move in we had kept those parts of our lives seperate. I posted because i was curious if anyone else had this bizarre and strong reaction to bf/dh children. And if so how they dealt with.
Why didn't you just end the
Why didn't you just end the relationship instead of allowing her father to move in with you? How long do you think this arrangement is going to last? How do you all handle over night visits?
let me say, after rereading
let me say, after rereading my post, which was posted at 3:30am after a night of feeling like hell over my feelings,that it is worded a little brutally. The essence is correct however about my feeling for her. His moving in here was necessity after there was damage to his apartment which made it unliveable. He has only been living with me for a very little bit. And when I said that his children aren't welcome here i did not mean that i have guard at the door blocking them. They do get dropped off here and they all go off to whatever their plans are. when I see them i am polite to them. He has pictures and drawings and reminders of them in our house. I just have no interest in being a "step mom" of any sort to them. So far their over night visits have been at bf mother's house. They all go down to visit grandma and spend the night.
The point of my post was to see if anyway else has ever felt this extreme reaction to bf/dh's and what they did to overcome or deal with it. I have no idea how long this arrangement can last, which is why I posted here trying to get some help with these feelings.
I have loved my dh for over
I have loved my dh for over 20 years and his eldest is a result of a caniving bitch who broke us up....I feel the same way about his kids....mainly bc they the me resent me and try to kill me in their minds....they are so far up their mothers bum it's not funny...together they work as a team to break me and my dh up. I am about to give in and move away until the little shits are 18. Then at least we won't have to pay for them or take them anywhere
I can see what your saying.
I can see what your saying. But I do not resent at all the time he spends with her and I encourage him to spend time with them. And i am out wardly polite to her. I do agree that the living together may be a train wreck. It was more of a necessity to live together than a choice. I posted see if anyone has had these same feelings and how they dealt with them.
He moved in because his
He moved in because his apartment was damaged and unliveable. There wasn't an alternative. And I did not tell him her picture makes me physically ill. I was venting my feelings here, perhaps to strongly and honestly. When i told him his kids weren't welcome here, I meant that overnights and long vistis wouldn't be happening here. They do get dropped off here and stay for a bit before they go off to whatever activities he has planned. He does have pictues and reminders of them here. Would it have been better to lie and say "oh yes lets all play family" when it would just make us all miserable. He is aware of the limits of our relationship and has been since day one. That is one of the reasons we will never get married. i have always encouraged him to spend time with his children. Because of my feelings for his daughter I can't be a part of it, not just for my own sanity, but also because even though I am polite to her, childen pick up on those feelings.
At some point there is going
At some point there is going to be divided loyalty and usually YOU will be at the losing end. There will be birthdays, holidays, weddings, etc. Compartmentalizing your life this way does a disservice to everyone and will become IMPOSSIBLE to maintain at some point in time INVARIABLY.
I agree with the other posters. Go out and find yourself a nice CHILDLESS man. Leave the heavy lifting to some other sucker. . .err. I mean lovely woman who enjoys being a doormat.
I'll comment on the emotions
I'll comment on the emotions and feelings towards SD. Everyone else covered the other aspects of your post.
Yes, i have negative feelings towards SD. I don't think she's cute like everyone else does, I don't fawn over her like everyone else does. I don't like looking at pics of her. I don't like looking at old home movies of her when she was little. Its obvious she was a brat and everything thought her behaviors were cute and funny. That's why she acts like she does now.
I don't like when SO is giving her hugs and telling her how proud he is of her over some stupid small thing that she should be doing anyway. I don't like when he tells her she looks pretty or something looks nice on her when she is wearing something low cut and her cleavage is all out.
I see her for what she is becoming. She has figured out that she gets attention for her looks and she likes the attention. She has figured out that she can play both parents because they are easily played against each other. She has figured out how to play the "poor me" card to each parent. She is learning that she doesn't have to earn things, she just gets them. She is learning that men will provide those things. She will be great at finding men who will do things for her and use her looks and manipulation skills to get them. No one see's this but me.
So yeah, I get the dislike. I wish I could tell SO no don't bring her here. But its not fair and its not right. I don't do that. I am polite and respectful. I'm no longer involved in her life though.
To me, my skids are FUGLY!
To me, my skids are FUGLY! SD looks most like GG and so she's passable. She'll probably inherit the Behemoth's ginormous boobies as well, so I'm sure she'll play that for ALL it's worth.
I see all three as TROUBLE and that they have not been parented properly from day one. So when I look at them even though they are ages 14 1/2, 12 1/2 and 8 1/2, I see FELONS!
Thus my distaste!
Do not feel guilty about these feelings; it may be that your GUT is telling you to get out NOW!! And it would be wise to heed that.
lol SD15 DID inherit BM's
lol SD15 DID inherit BM's ginormous boobs and her grandma's big butt. She shows them too. I noticed that my comments lately to SO have been heard because she has been wearing normal collar t-shirts instead. No cleavage. Its weird that something I said has been followed up on.
She does wear the low cut stuff at BMs still. SO said SS12 told him he spent all day yesterday telling his sister to pull up her shirt!! I guess it kept slipping down making her cleavage stick out more and more. SS12 always comes to our house saying he hates the way BM and SD15 dress. Tight clothes, short shorts, and low cut shirts.
Agree completely about my
Agree completely about my SD15. But, I could never say this out loud to my husband or ask him to lead completely different lives. Even though that is happening now, I could never ask for it.
Honestly, you are not married, and those kids are always going to be in his life. It may be time to cut your losses and find another nice guy w/o kids.
I think my 3:30 am venting is
I think my 3:30 am venting is being taken wrong. After rereading my post I can see why. So let me clarify, rather than continuing to respond to each post seperately.
1. Our moving in together is rescent. The reason he moved in was because his apartment was damaged and unlivable.
2. I can not help my feelings for her any more than anyone can help how they feel. A person feels what they feel for another person, whether it's love, revolusion or indifference. what I can and do control is my response to my feelings. I am polite to her when i see her. and when she is gone I vent my feelings by posting about it. I don't vent to bf or my friends.
3. when I said to bf that they weren't welcome here I meant that long visits and overnights wouldn't be happening here. They do get dropped off and hang out here a little before they go on with whatever their plans are. For overnight visits, which by everyone elses choosing, occur 1 time a month, they go down to his mother's house and spend the night. He has pictures and reminders of him here. I keep my feelings about that to myself and vent through posts.
4. And as far as divided loyalty there really isn't. His kids and time he needs for them comes first as it should. I understand that. I am the one who reminds him of their up coming activities. I make sure he has gifts for them when necessary. I show up to their events when social obligation requires it, with a smile own. I do not resent time he spends with them. I encourage it and since dating me he has seen them significantly more often. I just prefer to not be a part of it. I posted here as a way to vent after an extremely tough night trying to figure out how to over come this. And to hopefully find someone who has been through this and found a way to deal with it. pretty much regreting it at this point.
"And as far as divided
"And as far as divided loyalty there really isn't. His kids and time he needs for them comes first as it should. I understand that. "
You understand that NOW; you are new in the relationship. . .give it a few years. What happens is that as time goes on, skid life becomes more and more intrusive, more games, more activities, more this, more that, more expense.
His children (especially DAUGHTERS) most likely some point down the road will become jealous of you and "mark their territory." They ALL start to drive a wedge in; try to breakup you and BF, you can BET on that.
I felt as you did now when GG (biodad) first moved in with me almost eight years ago. I've lost SO much respect for him as soon he started to play into the guilty daddy role as a knee jerk reaction to the BM's alienation attempts.
This road has been HELL; his kids don't visit anymore b/c they've been thoroughly brainwashed by BM's side of the family BUT I still am slowly planning my exit plan; love does NOT conquer all, sad to say.
If the children eventually do not visit anymore, it will be YOU that gets the blame; EVEN IF you were encouraging visitation like I was.
I am not new in this
I am not new in this relationship. We have been together for 4 years. Just the living situation has changed. But before that we spent all our free time together. I do have children of my own 13, 20 and25. so I have some understanding of what is involved time wise with having children.
I got what you were saying
I got what you were saying and I'm sure you were saying in a heat of being very frustrated.
You aren't the only one. heck, SO knows my feelings for SD15. He knows I don't trust her or care for her.
Thank you for the
Thank you for the understanding. And while I've tried to not post it here or even say it to anyone, I do have similar reaction to the physical appearance of my bf's kids.
I thought I was doing the right thing by being clear on what the living arrangement would be in my house. but apparently most people on here would have preferred if I had lied to him and made promises I knew I couldn't keep.
You know what... setting it
You know what... setting it up now doesn't lead to surprises later. IF your BF doesn't want to do it this way, then he should leave. You are staying in control of your home and your life. I can't fault you for that. I wish I had been better about it.
let me add a couple last
let me add a couple last points. I find it interesting that everyone is slamming me for expressing the reaction I have on gut level to bf's daughter. But no one seems bothered when people on other posts rip apart their bf's children's appearance and every nuiance of their behavior. Picking apart everything about their step children. I have never blamed this little girl for my feelings. But I also don't blame myself. I compare it to people who have a natural instinctual reaction to snakes or mice(not that I consider her a snake or a mouse).
And please excuse the excessive number of typos. I was up all night trying to find way to deal with this better and just don't feel like proof reading.
I know I don't slam you in
I know I don't slam you in the least. But this sort of arrangement is IMPOSSIBLE to maintain. Sooner or later, BF will (as 99% men with children do) subscribe to the "one big happy family" model. And you will be asked to open your heart to children that are as foreign to you as space aliens.
The whole thing is a house of cards. I wouldn't wish this stepmom life on ANYONE. Most of us feel the same and want to warn you of all the dangers.
I think this post is
I think this post is hysterical. The sight of your BF's kid repulses you. THAT is funny. I get it though. The sound of my DH's daughter voice on the phone makes my skin crawl. "daaaaaddddyyyyy can you (sniffle sniffle) please tell mommy that I don't wanna go to karate (sniffle sniffle) today??? pleeaaassseeeee?" (cries, sobs, sniffle sniffle) Most days I don't mind her, but sometimes she just annoys me like no tomorrow.
In my opinion, you need to
In my opinion, you need to give him the boot. He deserves better, his children deserve better and you deserve better (for you)you need someone without children or with different children.
If you feel this way about his daughter and see no way you would ever like her, you are just wasting your time and his, and will hurt everyone in the end. Sorry to be blunt but it doesnt sound like there is any light at the end of this tunnel. Even though you dont verbalize it, it will still come out, little ones can pick up on it. and she will not like you either.
Good luck but be prepared, someday you may be on the opposite end of this situation and have to see it from his point of view.
I'm sorry, Mex. I did have
I'm sorry, Mex. I did have those same feelings about Princess Perfect and Spinless (XBF). I was also shocked by the strength of the repulsion toward that child. Auteur is right as always. It won't end well. That kid has more pull and influence on daddykins than you can ever compete with and it will at some point become a competion. For time, resources, whatever. I'm sorry to say it, but I when I left Spineless, I was 1/4 sad about my relationship ending and 3/4 so glad that I never have to deal with those monstrosities and aberritions to nature that he called daughters! His smart, perfect, beautiful, loving, kind daughters! :sick: :sick: :sick:
This is not going to be happy for you. At least you made it clear from the beginning that you don't want the kid in your house, but I think at some point you may have to break it off with your man or give in on that one. Even so, with the feelings you have- and yes, I get it! It will never be right or good for everyone involved. There will always be tesion and stress and I promise you that you will not learn to love this kid. It will only get worse.
I appreciate your
I appreciate your understanding the revulsion and that it is not a something I'd ever choose to feel. I do realize that this arrangement cant last for every. At some point in the future we will either begin to try and have time all of us together or he will get his own place and we will date and his time with kids will continue to be totally seperate.
And no I don't expect to ever love or even like his daughter, but in the real world we all have to get along at least on the surface with people we don't like. And that is what I am doing.
I am new to this site but saw
I am new to this site but saw this post and had to reply. My step son came to live with us perminantly in October. My life has been turned upside down and I hate who I have become. I do not like my step son...matter of fact, I cannot stand to be around him. And my two children (ages 14 and 13) want to spend every chance they can with their father because they, too, do not like their step brother. When I married my husband, there was no doubt that his son would be living with his biological mother. However, she remarried and had 2 children and my husband's son began acting out uncontrollably....it got to the point where she gave up custody and he came to live with us. I resent him for the fact that my children do not want to spend time with me at home becuase they do not like their step brother. My husband has no family in the area, so when my kids are with their father, it is always the three of us. I find myself going out alone just because I hate spending time with my step son. He irritates me and my husband has made it perfectly clear that his son is here to stay. I find myself thinking about calling the marriage quits as I am so miserable all the time when his son is around. I would miss my husband terribly, but I feel at times that getting away from his son would be worth it.
My advice is to get out while you can because it will only get worse.
Sooner or later his family
Sooner or later his family and the BM will start to ask why the kids never spend the night where he is living. As soon as the find out that you do not want them to, they will all give you and him hell. You for the request and him for being stupid enough to agree to it. Put him out and move on with your life before these kids are hurt.
Why is he stupid to agree
Why is he stupid to agree with it? And who cares what his family thinks? She let him move in; that doesn't mean she wants to be a mommy replacement. She doesn't try to prevent him from seeing his child, she doesn't try to prevent sleepovers, she just wants him to continue having the sleepovers at his parents' house. I would think the little girls grandparents would be thrilled to spend time with her and their son. What might be confusing is she first gets dropped at OPs house. I think the best way to handle this is to not have the child dropped off or picked up from her house. The child should go directly to the grandparents or it should be handled however it was handled before.
This is where as a Stepmom
This is where as a Stepmom you have to stop giving a shit about what others think of you. Everyone should try it, it's a wonderful feeling. I could care less what my in-laws, stepkids or BM thinks of me-I am an adult, I make my own decisions, and if they don't like it they can kiss my ass.
I tried the bending over and taking it way, and it gets you nowhere.
We get it and while we don't
We get it and while we don't always know why we feel the way we do, it's mature to own up to those feelings. You're not a bad person, you just don't like your Bf's daughter. I agree, that it's only going to get worse as she gets older, because at some point she's going to become your competition and she and your BF will sense your dislike for her. And he'll likely end the relationship.
So, you have 2 choices, either find a nice guy w/no kids or continue to date your BF knowing that you don't have a future w/him because the kids aren't going any where. And you'll continue to agonize and beat yourself up over your feelings about his daughter. Why do that to yourself?
I have a SD (27) and she's made the first few years of my marriage hell. She's DH's only child so I try to make an effort to be civil. At one point just seeing her car out front was enough to make my stomach turn and to this day I can't stand the sound of her voice. DH resents it when I say anything negative about her even though it may be the truth, so I try not to mention her name. He knows I don't like her. The only redeeming quality about her is that she's an adult and will be moving out next year. If I had it to do over again, I not sure if I would.
I don't see her being my
I don't see her being my competition in the future, because I already accept that her needs, need to come first. I don't mind that at all. I just don't want to have to be a part of it. My bf and I have already discussed marriage and decided that because of my feelings for his daughter, which he is aware of, marriage is not an obtion for us. We love each other vary much and are willing to accept the limitations of our relationship. But truth is most relationships have some sort of limitations.
I should mention the my bf and I are not young, he is 37 and I am 43 so us having a child together is not an option. I would never consider being with him if I wanted to have more children, they would mmake the step child situation impossible.
>>The sound of her voice is
>>The sound of her voice is like nails on a chalkboard and it makes me want to scream.<<
I am so with you on this.
Even SD26's ringtone on DH's phone makes my stomach clench. It's a vile sound to me, and I want to smash that stupid cell phone so I don't have to hear his phone ring when she calls or texts.
LOl funny comments about the
LOl funny comments about the ss's. And thank you for the support! This sight needs a "like" button
Oh, I have SO been there.
Oh, I have SO been there. Like most say, it didn't end well (at first) and it took a second try at things between DH and I but we've got the hang of it now. It also worked out that SD8 is a basket case and was better served living in a trailer with her equally demented BM. I can't think of much about the kid that I "like" but I do tolerate her - for DH's sake, as well as my BDs who are *gulp* related to her by blood. I don't want to be the reason my bios say "hey, why don't I know my sister" so I allow her to visit under my *obsessively* watchful eye (been some messed up stuff done at the hand of SD8, hence the need for micromanagement of visits). I do admit, the mere utterance of her name sends screaming shivers down my spine and I cringe at the sight of her. She's oddly built (genetics did NOT work in her favor) and she's incredibly hairy (she glistens in the sunlight from all the hair on her body) and is just overall obnoxious. I don't have the warm fuzzies for her and I don't enjoy being around her for more than a minute or two at a time.
All of those feelings are an IMMENSE improvement from where I once was. At one point, "that child" (as I called her) was NOT welcome in my home (not after what she did - long story) and I never wanted to be near her again. DH had NO CHOICE but to comply (because of the nature of the situation) and went about seeing her when he could, where he could. I must admit, I had to dig really deep to find some forgiveness and allow this creature to come to my home. She doesn't come very often and when she does, DH is always here to help keep her in control. I also had to realize that she is NOT BM (even though she looks and acts just like her!!) and a lot of what SD has done has been a result of an endless supply of negativity and brainwashing at the hands of BM and her DBH (douche-bag hubby). I can't hold the kid responsible for the mental illness of others but I make sure to hold her accountable for her own mistakes/behaviors. That helped quite a bit with those feelings (can we say misguided anger?) and I made sure to properly align them with the appropriate party (the whore herself, BM). I still don't care for SD but I am able to at least "tolerate" her which makes life for DH a lot happier, I can tell you that much.
We did overcome all the turmoil and married and we have two girls together (BD5, BD1) so a lot is at stake here and he knows he's a big component of all of this. I think you're only headed for failure if you set yourself up for failure. I think if you OPENLY communicate with your SO and you both have a mutual understanding of one another's feelings then it shouldn't be an issue. If marriage is something you truly want, and SO has expressed his only intent to marry you is as part of the "big happy family" program then I'd say I have to agree with everyone else and not waste any more of your time.
I can so relate to the
I can so relate to the physical appearance thing. The little girl Im dealing with is odd, more in expression then just appearance alone. Although she has these droopy hang dog eyes, and mouth always hanging open, hair always hanging in her face. And she is freakishly tall and pale. All of which contributes to the skin crawling feeling she gives me.
Something that you seemed to
Something that you seemed to be saying in your intial post, was that these incredibly strong negative feelings are beyond your control, and frighten you with their intensity. If I were you I would maybe be wanting to look at what this girl represents for you on a psychological level - and why you got into a relationship (and stay in it, at least for the moment) where this type of feeling exists. Was anyone perhaps disgusted by you when you were a child? This is an awful thing for a child to cope with and it would explain possibly why you are attempting to recreate to perhaps solve the situation. Apologies if this seems like amateur psychoanalysis, but it seems like something very deep and powerful is happening in your step family set up.
On a practical level, unless you can, maybe with help, at least moderate your feelings, I don't see a long term future for this arrangement.
Please don't read the
Please don't read the intensity for any desire to hurt this little girl. And I do feel bad for her sometimes, because truth be told I'm not the only one she has this effect on. The grandmother who essientially raises her brother, can not tolerate the little girl, and does all she can to avoid beig with her. The little girls great grandfather can not stand to be in the same room with her and the grandfather on the fathers side doesn't like to be around her. And the grandmother on the fathers side, in her words "has to work very hard to try and love her" I did NOT discuss my feeling about little girl with them, they volunteered this information. When she is invited to friends houses to play, she is not invited back again. And her teaches are relieved to be done with her. It is actually very sad when you think about it. But there is just something about her. Partly the way she is allowed to be have, but also just some thing about her, puts people off.
And no people were not disgusted by me as a child. I'd say i was a completely average child with a completely average up bringing. And actually I was excited in the begining that he had kids. I've always had fun with my kids and friends kids. I was looking forward to all the usual sort of little girl activities, And then I met her. I still help her father plan things for her and help him pick out things I think she might like. I just can't be near her.
Your reply to my suggestion,
Your reply to my suggestion, and the information that others find this girl creepy as well, suggests that it is probably something that has projected onto her by adults at a very young age, and before you came across her, sadly.
It sounds as if this little girl may need some psychological help, as to be met with other people drawing back from her, almost in horror, as you describe it, is not setting her up for any sort of happy life.
I applaud your sincerity and
I applaud your sincerity and vulnerability in expressing your feelings, even if they scare you. I also applaud you setting these boundaries from day one with your bd and being as honest as possible (w/out it bordering on cruel to spill how you fully feel) to your bf.
It's interesting that she has this effect on others. Look-like it or not there are kids out there like that, unlikeable-it's taboo to say it but it's true-they become unlikeable adults also. Do your kids live with you in your home by the way?
As long as you both know the relationship can go only so far-and you both are ok with it and boundaries are set I see no issue with it. Enjoy the time in the relationship until it's time to part.
I don't have such strong feelings towards SD-but I do have bad feelings at times. She looks just like her mother-not at all like my bf so that's hard to stomach. Her voice is aggravating-she'll sometime speak w/a very southern drawl or gettoish and it makes my skin crawl-AND her dads as he calls her out on it.
She's not a child myself or my kids would ever normally associate with, she's just plain mean, a bully, and obnoxiously rude.
"Look-like it or not there
"Look-like it or not there are kids out there like that, unlikeable-it's taboo to say it but it's true-they become unlikeable adults also".
Thank your having courage to say that. It is so true.
Yes my 13 year old daughter lives with us, my other children are 20 and 25 and on their own. He is wonderful to my daughter.
I can so relate to the looking like the mother, the little girl in my situation looks just like her mother. This doesn't bother me as much, but I know it drives my boyfriend crazy. Her mother is not exactly attractive, not unattractive either. I think he is more worried she will be like her mother, since her personality is similar. Her mother is town whore, drug user and lives in a house of squallor.
I know our situation is odd, and wouldn't work for everyone. I think if I had issues with him taking time away from us to spend with her, that would be a different situation. But I don't at all.
**Before he moved in i made
:sick:
**Before he moved in i made it clear that to me he was not a package deal and that his daughter was absolutley not welcome in my home.**
Guess what lady. IT'S A PACKAGE DEAL! You are talking about his kids being spoiled? It sounds like you are the spoiled 12 year old in a woman's body. What you did is put up a barrier between your BF and his daughter. If you really cared about him you wouldn't have done that. You should be f***ing ashamed of yourself.
My adult SSs were so not part
My adult SSs were so not part of a package deal. Grown worthless pathetic/evil, jail, prison, drugs, alcohol, homeless.
Why would I ever allow these pieces of trash in my life?
One I have never met (and never will, he is terminally ill and on the lam from law in another state)
Second is the pathetic not evil one. I've had him over a few times - but he's nothing to me. Never will be. I don't hate him. Just not my responsibility or even someone I want to interact with. I'm in my 50s - don't have to have anything in my life I don't want.