Divorce is the answer, or is it selfish because of the baby?
After reading many threads here, thought Id share my story as well.
DH and I have been together for over three years, and married for one and half years, with a two month old baby. I was 26 when met him, and he was 10 years older than me, initially he didn't tell me about his kids on the first few dates, however, slowly revealed that he had two daughters when I was falling in love with him. I thought it was fine at the beginning although had never dated men with kids in the past. SD now are 5 and 7 yeas old. Problem started when SD 7 only talked about her mother in front of me, telling me that my DH is going back to them. SD 7 is also extremely jealous and possessive. Im pretty much invisible when they are here.
DH and I nearly divorced once soon after we got married, SD7 was not happy with me when I didn't pay enough attention to her during a visit, she told DH and cried for hours, DH was angry and took his wedding ring off and broke it. I told my mother what happened, she said that was it, she never wanted me to marry him, my family had some strong traditional values that a semi intelligent, not bad looking young woman should never get involved with a divorced dad. And he and his ex still have a house together, said it is for the kids.
My pregnancy was a nightmare, ended up in the hospital for a week due to bad morning sickness at the beginning, DH never came to visit, he had to go and visit the SDs because they had a breakdown after finding out about my pregnancy. then I had to look after the SDs for 2 weeks when i was 8 months pregnant. and DH had a major operation when I was 9 months pregnant, had to look after him in the hospital. At the same time, his ex asked for more child support, he couldn't say no to her.
But now I think it's time to go, I'm not happy, and will never be, Im jealous of all my friends, because none of them have to deal with Stepkids, I am so scared that one day these SDs will move in with us, I wouldn't even have a home any more. Life is too short to live unhappily, isn't it? But is it too selfish to do so because my own child will grow up in a single parent house due to my decision?
Balancing everything up, you
Balancing everything up, you may feel, rightly that your child would be exposed to much more stress living with extremely resentful older half-siblings around and a father who doesn't respect his/her mother, than if you leave now and establish your own household.
It sounds as if your husband has not broken ties with his first wife, and she will always be a thorn in your side. As for the SKIDs, they sound extremely over-demanding and allowed by their parents to be unreasonable. The episode with the ring says it all. IMO, this man will never find a woman who can tolerate him and his enmeshed relationship with his daughters. My SDs were 5 and 7 when I first met them, and are now 16 and 18. It has been a very difficult decade. If anyone had shown me a video of the next 10 years I would have run for the hills.
Your instincts are telling you to go. I would trust them.
Thanks so much Kes for your
Thanks so much Kes for your suggestion, you must be a strong woman to go through a difficult decade. I'm thinking of moving back to my country which is 10 hours by flight from here and restart my life, but just hope that my own daughter will understand this when she grows up one day.
Your DH is not married to you
Your DH is not married to you , he is married to his children and ex. ACTIONS will always tell you about your partner's dedication/love.
What person leaves their wife in hospital because healthy kids are having tantrums over the prospective new baby?! :jawdrop: F*ck, that's wrong. Ok they likely pulled on his heartstrings and perhaps made threats BUT his concern for you and his unborn baby should have been paramount.
Trouble is, the writing is on the wall now. Your DH has demonstrated to his ex and children that they can successfully come before you and your DD, he's already shown them that and children at a young age will have some realisation of that power!
He CAN say no to his ex, he chooses not to. He threatened divorce and broke his wedding ring over the fact sd7 had a fit over something? Wonder where they learnt such manipulative behaviour from - dad and the ex. Your DH is capable of manipulation and nastiness himself so ofcourse he is not going to see or admit to any misbehaviour by the skids. They are made in his image. What a lovely example for your child.
You need to ask yourself whether being second best is the right choice to make for DD and yourself?
Little wonder your mother hates him. No mother wants to see their child and grandchildren being treated like this!
I agree, your instincts are the very things which will lead you to happiness and security. Listen to them.
Totally agree with you
Totally agree with you Delilah, I'd rather be alone than a second class citizen in my own home. SD7's behavior is alarming, I can already sense that the older she gets, the more manipulative she'd become. I just hope that the court will allow me to have full custody of my DD, and my DH can continue playing the guilt game with his ex and two kids.
Thanks Cheriwilson for the
Thanks Cheriwilson for the advice, had no choice that night but to ring up my mother, he was way too agressive. He broke it with a hammer, I have kept the broken ring, never got it fixed. He doesn't wear a ring any more, I also have taken mine off.
The reason they got divorced is because his ex found someone else, was told that he no longer found her attractive after many years, hence no sex, she had to look for sex else where.
They still own a house together, but none of them are living there, his ex and kids spend holidays there sometimes. They are not going to sell it cos the kids still think it's their family home.
That's a really stupid reason
That's a really stupid reason to be shelling out as much cash as they have to be for a vacant place.
Are you sure he is telling the truth in all this??
Yeah, it does sound stupid,
Yeah, it does sound stupid, they tried to sell it once, but the offer wasn't good, so his ex decided to keep it vacant, plus the kids really like their family memories in the house. To be honest, I don't know too much of their stuff, my DH always tries to hide lawyers letters..etc from me.
Thanks for the advice AJstep,
Thanks for the advice AJstep, the inherited anger is something I worry about quite often. DH had many extreme anger outbursts and few minor physical violence towards me already, but he was never angry with the SDs. I thought about the same thing as you, right now trying to keep things cool, since he can get me arrested for kiddnapping in my own country. But I do have a good excuse to go, it will happen in couple of months, so hopefully there won't be too many legal issues.
Thanks for sharing your story
Thanks for sharing your story Coconut, glad that everything works out fine for you now.
Going through the same crap.
Going through the same crap. 11 yr old is his priority I am a second class citizen who cares if were newlyweds. He is a poor poor parent his daughter manipulates has no rules, lies, talks badly to him.
Claims she needs 100 percent of his time like before he was married. Has divided us and ruined our marriage. He told me I have no say with her and if I didnt like it to leave. I have two kids and I dont want to up root them again! How come everyone complains of this. Divorced dads are messy and EVERYONE I TALK TO HAS THE SAME COMPLAINTS. CONTROLLING KIDS PERMISSIVE DADS, SECOND CLASS WIVES, EMOTIONAL INCEST WITH DAD AND DAUGHTERS BLATANTLY TO PISS OFF WIFE. SHALL I GO ON. I AM DISENGAGING AND STAYING FOR MY KIDS. HE CAN HAVE A PRIVATE AFFAIR RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS DAUGHTER AND SHE CAN TREAT HIM LIKE CRAP ALL SHE WANTS. I AM GOING TO SCHOOL AND GETTING A JOB. SEE YA ON DATE NIGHT MY PRINCE CHARMING. PATHETIC I AM DISGUSTED.
THESE MEN WANT LOVE SLAVES, SOMETIMES IF THEY FEEL LIKE IT, MAIDS, COOKS AND BABYSITTERS.
Update: Unfortunately it is
Update:
Unfortunately it is not easy to leave the country with my DD, my MIL was willing to spend as much legal fees as she could to keep my DD in this country. In her words, they can not lose this time any more.
After fighting with him for over a month, things cooled down a bit. The funny thing is, he suddenly lost his job, so i tried to convince him to move to another country with me which will favor my legal situation.
i give myself two years to sort this out, that's the maximum time to bear with this worst situation so far in life. Last week, DH broke down suddenly told me that he was so sad that he ONLY spent equivalent to 2000 dollars on SD5's birthday last time in a fancy hotel restaurant, that his dear princess was so disappointed. I was so mad, the anger was indescribable. Because the night before he told me that i spent too much money on DD when she was born. Just can't believe 2000 dollars on a 5 years old's birthday was still not good enough. He barely earns twice that much a month. After telling him that it was very sad for me to hear that, he suddenly told me to get the f*** out of the house, and spit on me while feeding my DD. The hate towards them that was built up over the years was ready to explode.
My only wish is that my DD won't end up in a situation like this when she's older. If any man with kids decide to chase after her, i would cut his legs off for real!