Still in limbo.. what can we do?
Well, skids still haven't decided where they want to live now that DH has crapped on the whole shared parenting schedule by moving over an hour away..
BM and DH are at war.. both want kids, yet neither will go to court to fight (too expensive and don't want to put the kids through it). So the kids "have a say in this" - ok, fair enough.. but when are they expected to decide? BM moves 06/10.. we need to let out landlord know by 06/01 about our lease (currently have 4 br and won't be needing that if skids move with BM full time), we also need to arrange for summer child care - can't do that if you don't know when you will be having the kids or how many you will be having..
I just hate not knowing what lies ahead for us. DH told BM he needs to know her proposal by 05/01 and the kids need to make up their minds by then as well.. but how do you do that? They have already told us "they aren't picking".. well, uh, ya kinda have to.. does that sound mean? I know it's difficult on them, but we didn't put them in this predicament, yet our lives are in limbo the most. BM already knows where her and Psychohubby are going to live - an hour away - and is getting that place regardless.. they don't need summer child care as they both work from home for the most part and they have BM's 22 year old daughter as a back up babysitter.
It just sucks.. we didn't ask for this, yet are the ones hurting the most because of it.
They want things to stay
They want things to stay 50/50. Unfortunately, well.. that just can't happen with mom an hour plus away.
They are 12 & 14 and we have asked them to make a list - they won't. They won't even discuss it.
The other factor is; well, they don't like me and have stated that they would love to live with their dad full time - if SHE wasn't in the picture.. lovely. And they reinforce this vibe constantly with their attitudes, words and actions. DH says "they are just kids.. if you love them, they will come around." Ughhhh.. I do care about them (not there with the love yet - they have done a lot of hateful things towards me and I'm not their bio parent, so that whole unconditional thing isn't happening) and do all kinds of mom things for them - help with school projects, go to their games, make things for their schools/team fundraisers/events, take them to the DR when they are sick, plan their bday parties, etc. Yet they still have all this contempt for the fact that I am in their lives.. And they STILL won't committ to what they want.
DH won't let them go with BM unless they say they want to. BM won't take them unless they say they want to live with her.
I totally get that this is tough for them - but we didn't cause this. BM did. What's the most frustrating is that there is no sensible reason why she is moving an hour away.. family? Nope. Job? Nope. Hubby's family or job? Nope.. just cause she wants to.. ugggghhhh..
my prior post was "absolutely heartbroken".. last week - for the whole story if you want to know it
You will rarely see me defend
You will rarely see me defend skids especially on this site lol but I really feel like 12 and 14 is just way too young to make that decision. They probably feel stuck in the middle (and rightfully so) and do not want to upset either parent. That has to be extremely stressful on the kids. If your DH and the BM can't agree to a custody arrangement, they will have to go to court and let the judge decide. In my state, the judge is almost guaranteed to say 50/50 as long as both parents actually want the kid and neither is unfit. My DH and BM have 50/50 week on/week off and we live an hour and a half away from BM. They just meet in the middle to switch skid. Sure, it's a pain in the @$$ but it is what it is. Nothing I can do about where BM chooses to live (she is the one who moved in our case too).
I agree. They are stuck and
I agree. They are stuck and it sucks. I want them in therapy/counseling asap because this kind of crap will hurt them and have lasting effects on their lives.
50/50 won't work.. no way. Both kids are in sports and with BM being an hour away she won't do her share on her weeks if they stay up here.. Hell, I doubt she will have them in sports if she has them down their either - she is lazy and all about her and her hubby.
The middle, with traffic anytime between the hours of 3-7pm most weeknights and 7-9am most week mornings, would be an hour for each parent and both parents work full time.. the kids would have to be up at 5am and leave by 6am to get to school.. it's not fair to them at all.
I hear ya on the 50/50
I hear ya on the 50/50 arrangement. You pointed out all the reasons I think it is unstable and unfair to everyone involved. My SD's BM sounds like yours- SD plays sports but BM does not take her on her weeks. SD goes to preschool on her weeks with DH but does not go to school on her weeks with BM.
As far as the drive to switch, DH has to leave work and go straight to pick SD up. It's about an hour drive when you consider rush hour traffic. The whole arrangement is completely ridiculous if you ask me, but neither DH or BM would agree to less time with skid so 50/50 is what the judge recommended. Now SD is starting kindergarten this year so we will see what kind of changes will be made. We are obviously not in the same school district as BM and again neither DH or BM will agree to less time with skid so they cannot agree on which district to send skid to.
Ah the life of a SM :?
Fun fun fun.. what is it
Fun fun fun.. what is it with these BM's?
I really think this one is trying to dump her kids again.. and have someone or somthing to blame so she comes out looking like the victim.. I call her Ms Teflon because nothing ever sticks to this woman.. she blames everyone, justifies her crap or has some excuse..
She already is prepping "I won't put my kids through a custody battle" and " they have a say in where they want to live".... really? If they had a "say" in this.. they would tell you NOT to move and HOUR PLUS away and keep things 50/50.
Exactly. I mean living an
Exactly. I mean living an hour away has been doable for us, but it definitely sucks! Not only is it a pain in the @$$ for the parents (more for the one who DIDN'T choose to move an hour away), but it has to be hard on the kids as well. I always said it seems like SD doesn't really have a home anywhere- she's like a visitor everywhere she goes because she only stays for a week and by the time she gets settled into our routine, she's packing up and leaving again. It has to be even worse when you have school-age kids. What a mess!!
"DH won't let them go with BM
"DH won't let them go with BM unless they say they want to. BM won't take them unless they say they want to live with her."
Good grief, can any of the adults make a decision? I'm sorry, but this too big a decision to put on the shoulders of these kids.
If BM is moving away and says she won't take the kids unless they say they want to be with her, it sounds like she's not too concerned with having them.
BTW- Rule of thumb is, whomever moves away is responsible for transportation costs. An hour's drive really isn't that bad. Some people drive that far for work every day.
I don't think BM wants them.
I don't think BM wants them. If she did, she would say it.. and say it repeatedly to the kids and DH and then FIGHT for them. I know I sure as hell would if it were my kid. DH wants them and would fight for them, but his thing is this "if they don't want to live with US (since they don't like me) then I am not forcing them." I get that and respect that - because these kids are a handful and very manipulative.. the last thing we want is for them to feel forced to live with their dad and "evil stepmom"..
Yeah, you're right, if BM
Yeah, you're right, if BM wanted them, she would fight for them.
But you know, kids in an intact family don't get to decide if they want to live with their family or not.
yup.. but these kids do..
yup.. but these kids do.. not my preference, but I still gotta live with it.
BM.. well, her true colors are showing.
I am wondering, how old are
I am wondering, how old are the skids? It seems like they are being put in a really tough spot being forced to choose which parent they want to live with. Thinking back to my childhood, I don't know how I would have ever make that choice (my parents were together so I didn't have to.. just thinking).
I find it to be a lot less stressful when I just step back and let DH and BM figure out their own mess regarding skid. Sometimes my instinct is to get involved because their decisions do often affect my marriage and my home, but I try to get involved as little as I possibly can. I figure I didn't create the mess so I am not dealing with it!
Living an hour away from the other parent is a pain in the @$$ but it is workable.. DH and I live an hour away from BM. They meet halfway once a week to switch skid (we have 50/50). I complained about this for a while until I finally realized.. why do I care? Not my kid, not my problem! My life has been a lot more stress-free since I came to this realization!
Best of luck to you!
I agree.. but it's not my
I agree.. but it's not my kids and I can't make that decision.
Plus, DH and I agree.. if the skids don't like me and are using that as an excuse to not live with us, fine. We all know why they don't like our home as much as BM's.. we have rules and bedtimes and responsibilities... ooooh, we are soooo evil.. whatever.. go live where the grass is greener..
However, if they do live with us, things aren't changing.. and they will have to just deal with it.
12 & 14 Yes, they are being
12 & 14
Yes, they are being put in a really crappy spot by their lovely mother. She has no reason to move an hour away.. NONE. It's just because she wants to.
I am stepping back and letting them work it out - but they aren't working anything out. BM says she wants them. DH says he wants them. Neither will take it to court because of the cost and stress.. so, they are leaving it up to the kids - who aren't saying anything except "they won't decide" and "they would live with DH full time if I wasn't in the picture"..
However, tough cookies.. I'm not going anywhere.
And.. we need to find out soon what the deal is so we can get on with our lives - meaning; our lease? Renew or end (we pay a ton to lease a 4br home in the skids school district) - have to let landlord know by 06/01 and need to find a new place. Summer child care? 1 kid or 3 and every week or every other week? ETC.
I am sympathetic.. this sucks for them.. but it is what it is, unfortunately. They got served a shit sandwich by their mom and we all have to take a bite.
I think your dh just needs to
I think your dh just needs to man up and make a decision. Not only do skids not want to make this decision it sounds like neither do bm or dh.
Maybe your dh needs to come up with a list of his own-with pros and cons and then make the best decision he can and go on from there.
IMO, if skids are saying they dont want to live with YOU-then that would be answer enough for me that they really dont want to reside with dh either.
Again, I agree. BM is a
Again, I agree.
BM is a crappy mom.. and she gave her kids up to us once before for about 13 months when she moved away to be with new hubby. Then, she and hubby move to our neighborhood - literally one street over - and we went the 50/50 route.. Now, she is doing it again.. moving and it seems like she is trying to dump her kids yet again, but at the same time trying to clear her conscience by saying "I'll let them decide" and "I'm not putting them through a court battle".. I want to smack this woman, but shit splatters..
And based off the kids "want to live with DH, but not me" remark (and their whole attitude totally backs this up) I really am conflicted on if I really want them full time.. I mean, I do because I love DH and I know it would crush him if they went to live with the worlds worst mom.. but they have the capacity to just bring so much drama and stress.. so my stomach is in a knot over having to deal with them full time.
"I want to smack this woman,
"I want to smack this woman, but shit splatters.." HAHAHA!! You got that right!!
I personally would NOT want skid here full time. I don't even want to think about it. The thought just made me nauseous lol I so feel your pain!
Oh, if you only knew the
Oh, if you only knew the things this woman has tried to do to my relationship with DH, my relationship with my ex husband (yes, you read that RIGHT!!) and the relationship with the skids you would want to smack her too..
Her kids hate me and she has a lot to do with it.. I think she wants to make them as awful as she can, then hand them off to us so they will hopefully destroy our relationship.. that's what I dread.. I know what's coming if we have them full time - 2 really effed up hateful kids 24/7/365
Why not have one with dad and
Why not have one with dad and one with mom?
Both parents refuse to split
Both parents refuse to split them up
I think the kids shouldn't
I think the kids shouldn't have a say. Obviously they don't want to have a say because they aren't deciding.
Your DH and BM need to grow up and decide.
That is a great idea. I
That is a great idea. I don't want to deal with the flip flopping crap - DH doesnt either. We actually discussed how divorced kids do the whole back and forth stuff to manipulate and get what they want.. and he won't stand for it. If they live with us, and even try the "I'm gonna live with mom" tactic when they don't get their way, DH is going to call them out on it and tell them no.
And if they are with BM, well.. no telling what she will do. DH said he would not allow them to "boo hoo" to him about things there.
They always try to get DH to dump me.. they HATE me. Dh has my back and has told them "you are not allowed to pick my spouse" - he knows what they are up to.