Graduation Conflict
I wrote earlier about my SD upcoming wedding. Now I have a new issue. My DH had his birthday this week and the whole family went out for dinner. The in-laws and SD/fiance were all present as was my bio daughter. SD 21 looked across the table at dinner and said to my 15 yr old daughter "so dont you graduate high school in 2015" and my daughter said "yes I do". Then SD replied "well I did a little investigating and I also graduate college in 2015 and from the info I gathered our graduations are on the same weekend, maybe even the same day. So guess what? Everyone at this table will be coming to MY graduation". My daughter looked at me with obvious hurt and anger on her face. I leaned over and said "not now, this is not the time or the place for this discussion". DH said nothing...In-laws said nothing...awkward silence! Here is the issue...my DH is in the process of trying to adopt my bio daughter. We are keeping it secret until its final. He loves my child and treats her like his own. I didnt want to start a fight at his bday party. I dont know how to respond to this girl. Im at a loss as to why her family sits idle while she makes an ass of herself and hurts my child. I wanted to smack her and tell little miss princess that my kid is just as important as she is. WTF???? Help!!! Why is she starting this fight in 2013?? We all went to her high school graduation and Im not gonna let her take my kids special day away!!! }:)
Why didn't you speak up? Say
Why didn't you speak up? Say something along the lines of I'll certainly be at my daughters high school graduation!
Now it is time to have some
:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: Now it is time to have some fun. }:) }:) }:)
Inform SD that her HS graduation was celebrated, so will your DD's and as such DD's HS graduation takes precident over SD's college graduation.
Start planning the BIG celebration, leave graduation cruise brochures around when SD is visiting, new car information with speacial deals for new HS graduates, Harvard/Princeton/Yale/Stanford college information, etc....... All labeled with your DD's name. Even if it is all just a set up to fuck with SD .... have fun with it.
Let SD run as far as her immagination and vitrolic manipulative petty lack of character will take her with this.
For sure get adoption finalized so that SDs tenuouse connection with reality will have it's final link severed and you, DH and your DD can with a very straight face that SD had her HS graduation and now it is her sister's turn.
Teach SD the consequences of her behavior of a 20yo messing with the mind of a 15yo when truly masterful adults turn that same behavior on her.
And most importantly HAVE FUN!
IMHO of course.
I agree that both BPs should
I agree that both BPs should be in the lives of the children they share. Baring any extenuating circumstances that goes without question.
However, idiot behavior from a 20yo directed at a 15yo in a way that humiliates and belittles in a family forum in a public place needs to be addressed directly, decisively and for as long as it takes to correct the behavior of the 20yo.
As for whether the 20yo accepts the 15yo as a sibling once adopted ... that is irrelevant. The younger kid takes precedence and if the older one is so devoid of character as to be a PITA about it then the older one is either delt with and the behavior changes or si booted and good riddance.
My dad gave me this message loud and clear. As the oldest of three (6yrs older than #2 and 8yrs older than #3) It was clear that I had already had my time at their age and I would not be allowed to interfere with them having their chance at that age. Just as they would not be allowed to interfere with my time at whatever age I was at at the time.
SS-20 needs this message with the added leverage appropriately applied for a person who is ostensibly supposed to be an adult.
IMHO of course.
Even though SD acted like a
Even though SD acted like a bitch, do you really expect your husband and inlaws to miss her graduation?
This really seems like a no brainier. Since both events fall on the same day,you and your family attend your bio's graduation. Husband and his family attend his bio's graduation. Neither bioparent should even think about not attending his/her BK's graduation.
When did saying someone acted
When did saying someone acted like a bitch become condoning their behavior?
Not only did the inlaws allow the 15 year old to be atttacked, but her own mother just sat there and let it happen.
THANK YOU STEPASIDE WELL
THANK YOU STEPASIDE WELL SAID!!
I DID NOT JUST SIT THERE AND
I DID NOT JUST SIT THERE AND DO NOTHING! I TOLD HER NOT TO WORRY ABOUT IT AND NOW WAS NOT THE TIME OR THE PLACE TO GET INTO THAT DISCUSSION. I ALSO TOLD HER I WOULD BE THERE NO MATTER WHAT. MY CONCERN WAS THAT NOBODY ELSE SPOKE UP NOR DID THEY CONTRADICT HER.
Having had 8 graduations in a
Having had 8 graduations in a five year span, 4college, 3 high school, and 2 bootcamp graduations, you will work it out so quit panicking. Just because someone is graduating on a certain day doesn't mean their party has to be that day.
This is not the problem but I wanted to alleviate your stress a little.
The problem is the SD 20 yo. You need to have a private conversation with DH about why he thinks his daughter would say such an immature, mean, conniving little thing to DD. She has got major problems. Team up. Make a plan. DH has to have his eyes opened. Ask him what HE is going to do about it.
Dad doesnt parent SD21.He was
Dad doesnt parent SD21.He was never allowed to....BM has made that her sole purpose in life since day one. Thats why he divorced her when SD21 was just 4 yrs old. BM has taught her that DH is a stupid weak man who is only good for money and torture and that my daughter and I are to be ignored and disrespected. DH has been denied time and influence with SD21 and the courts and people like you keep blaming him for someone elses wrong doing. Read up on PAS please!!
DH's family is NOT adopting my daughter...DH is! He loves her and parents her the way he was never allowed to with SD21. He is actually a good dad and husband. You cant fault him for not speaking up when he cant hear. I certainly wasnt going to repeat it for him.
I DID speak up for my daughter and I made the people at that table feel small and ashamed without causing a scene. Thinking back I know I did the right thing and I dont need people like you to insult me and judge me...We all have BM's and Skids for shit like that!
I agree with what CW and SA
I agree with what CW and SA said. What your sd said is just downright mean. And shame on dh for not saying anything to correct her right then and there.
You just received your first view of how "family" will treat your dd. Her "family" will not stick up for her. Her "family" will just sit in silence as another member is mean to her. And when I say "family," I include dh. Shame on him for not correcting sd and sticking up for a teenager.
And the next time sd says something so rude to your dd, you should say, loudly, "excuse me SD, can you please repeat that?" and give her an indication that you heard EXACTLY what she said and that it's not in her best interests to mess with you, ever.
You may want to reconsider making these people, including your dh, her official "family." You've just seen that they, including dh, will not stick up for her when she's being assaulted in any way by someone else, even if it's one of them. Who wants people like that as family? Who wants people like that as their child's family?
And like SA said, I'm sure your sd doesn't like dd and is jealous of her. She can feel whatever she wants and her FEELINGS likely have validity to them. But they don't give her a free pass to act out on them. If she wants to to something about them she should get counseling, and on her own.
I think I understand why no
I think I understand why no one said anything. Sometimes when someone does something bad everyone just gets sort of frozen trying to pretend that it didn't happen. No one really wants to have a big scene in the middle of the restaurant. Plus I believe serious reprimands should not be done in public.
But the 20 year old should have had her ass reamed out afterwards over being such a horrible obnoxious bitch. She obviously put some effort into planning to do this. It wasn't just a dumb remark that passed her lips before thinking. I think we have all been guilty of talking before the brain engages. This was obviously not the case.
I don't know why people think a 20 year old should not be treated as an adult. When I was 20 I'd already graduated from college, moved to a distant city, started a professional job, rented an apartment, bought a car - BY MYSELF. And this was decades ago when women were not expected to go to work at all.
Oh I agree with you that
Oh I agree with you that something should have been said but a real serious reprimand should still take place afterwards. I was just saying I understand why people get frozen and don't say anything.
With hindsight someone (preferably her dad) should have said something about "that's enough" and then later given her a real major talking to.
Thank you oldone for being
Thank you oldone for being understanding and not judgemental
I do not understand all the
I do not understand all the hostility toward me over this..I did not lean over and whisper to my daughter to take it up the rear and be a victim. I said that it was not something to be discussed at this time or this place and I would be at her graduation regaurdless...I feel that what I said "shamed" all of them for staying silent. Im not going to throw a tantrum in a crowded restaurant on my husbands birthday because I would look like the lunatic not her. I reassured my child and took the high road. My husband wants to adopt my child because he loves her and she loves him...I could care less what the rest of the family thinks about it at all. This is OUR family and it does not concern them! I agree that DH should have spoken up but I spoke to him and he didnt hear her. Wait for it........DH is hearing impaired!!!! Im sure his parents heard it but I really dont expect support from them. Im just shocked at how much hate I have gotten from this post....where is the advice....where is the support? We Steps have to stick together not tear each other down! Im very disappointed
I agree - you were
I agree - you were blindsighted. When that happens to me, I can't seem to come up with an adequate response until three days later. SD used the opportunity of DH's Birthday to unleash a sadistic, uncalled for challege to your daughter. What I find curious is how she knew the exact dates of both graduations. Her information may not be accurate. She might have blurted out a lie to cause unnecessary worry on your part and your daughter. Check for yourself to find out if the dates really conflict. Then soon, better than later, take SD aside by herself and ream her a good one!
I think I might have been
I think I might have been tempted to say something to sd to the effect of "well seeing these are all your blood relatives, ya, you would think so. I guess you are worried they will all be at DD's instead?" Your sd20 reminds me of my sil. She says totally outrageous, out of line comments like that as well. I have chalked it up to her being insecure and jealous. I remind myself of this every time she does something as nasty and mean as your sd
I did speak to my daughter
I did speak to my daughter and I reassured her that I will be at her graduation and so will my entire family. I told her DH may have to split his time that day between the two activities but he will attend and I told her to learn from SD21 how not to act in public and how not to treat people. She said that she felt the in-laws looked uncomfortable and that DH didnt seem to even hear the comment at all. We informed him on the way home about what was said and he shook his head and said he wished BM hadnt raised SD21 to be so hateful but as a victim of PAS for years he feels he has had no influence on her and he is embarrassed by her. He said he would do his best to attend both events. I agree there was the elimate of "freezing up" on the in-laws part but I feel i did my part by shaming the SD and taking the high ground. I dont see what good could have come from me throwing a fit. I certainly dont want to teach my child to throw tantrums like SD21. We havent told anyone about the adoption since it isnt anyones business, his family isnt very involved in our lives so I see no reason to involve them until it takes place. SD21 will have a meltdown when she finds out but I give a shit less!Its a difficult process and we dont need her drama. I feel her comments at dinner were premeditated and planned out for maximum effect and I refuse to give her that satisfaction. This aint my first rodeo so I guess I dont really need any advice from angry bitter people, however I do appreciate the kind words and encouragement from the others.
SD is jealous of your DD and
SD is jealous of your DD and very insecure. She probably could use some professional counselling to help her deal with it.
Being mean and putting others down is her way of elevating herself.
I probably would have said, "Pardon? what ARE YOU talking about? Are you feeling OK? What you just said sounds crazy!"
She would have to self-evaluate and wonder if she did indeed sound like the crazy SD she is.
Posing a question back on a rude remark is quite effective at times. It brings all the negative attention back to the rude person.
You sound very level headed and I am glad to hear you spoke to your DD after this and explained how SD has some problems and not to take it to heart.
I also think it would be wise if you and your DH sat this SD down and told her under no circumstances is she to behave that way to your DD again, PERIOD. She needs to be forewarned and if it continues she is not invited to dinners out, etc.
Good luck.
^^^^^^^Absolutely!!!
^^^^^^^Absolutely!!!
I like your advice about
I like your advice about posing a question to a rude remark. What great advice. I'm definitely going to remember this one.
As hard as it was to watch
As hard as it was to watch your daughter get attacked like that, you handled it beautifully. It was not an appropriate time to take SD's bait. She made herself look foolish in front of everyone without any help. To me, this is perfect. Let her expose herself for the brat she is. I bet no one spoke up because they were shocked at her poor behavior. Yes, it would've been nice for someone to let her have it but it would've ruined dinner for everyone. I give you and your young daughter a standing ovation for handling yourselves with class. I know it was hurtful but I have to say, a 15 yo who can control themselves the way your DD did bodes well for her future. Let SD be a venomous brat in front of everyone. She will dig her own grave in time. I'm sorry you and your daughter had to witness such a spectacle.
Our DH's need to make their
Our DH's need to make their DD's know that disrespectful behavior is not acceptable. Until they do that, we will have to suffer and that's not acceptable, either.