If you were to start over....

Forums:

Hello!

I've been lurking on your boards for awhile. It has been an education!!

I'm posting for the first time, not as a SM-to-be, but instead as a BM.

Background:
I was (am?) a step-child. I have no relationship with my father and his current wife. I have wonderful relationships with my siblings mothers now as an adult. When I was a teen I was troubled and more of a handful than either of these women deserved to _have_ to deal with. Basically put, I was a horrible little Poop and once I grew up I apologized to my ex-stepmoms and we all moved on with our lives. Their divorces had nothing to do with me and everything to do with my father's affairs.

I have two children 15B and a 12G. Their father has a girlfriend and this one seems to be sticking around. They see their dad a few times a year, so keeping the friend out of the picture hasn't been a hardship. Now he wants to introduce them. I am in FULL support of this.

Sooooo, my question: if you could rewind what would you do different? What did you think was done right?

That being said, my BD12 is a pistol. She has already said that we can't date... it would be "gross". After I got done laughing, I informed her under no uncertain terms that if either of us (Daddy or myself) were to date and marry again we will not be seeking _her_ approval. She is to treat us both with respect. IF there is a problem, bring it to one or both of us. We trust her, but that means she has to trust us. Blah, blah, blah.

I guess I want to head off a lot of the problems I have been reading on here. I don't want either of my children to be the nasty little brat that I was to their future step mom (or eventual step-dad.....much further away).

Thanks,
Kate

Dad needs to handle this.

Dad needs to handle this. Preferably in a public place they never have to go again, he can choose a restaurant, take the kids & tell them. It can be a "throw away restaurant", my ex & I read about this before divorcing, any conversations we had to have that were likely to not be enjoyable were held away from our home, children, friends & family & done at the nastiest Chinese restaurant, we had heard horror stories &chose that place. We discussed our visitation schedule & financial settlement there too. It was good advice, we only have bad memories there, our home was "safe" & so were all the great restaurants where we live that eventually we went on dates with other people to. So with understanding why it should be JUST Dad & a "throw away" place...

Dad needs to be firm & clear with the kids. "I'm dating Susie, we've been together xxxx, I think she's terrific, I hope you do also but even if you do not enjoy Susie's company, you will respect Susie & her place in my life". He shouldn't "sell" Susie, be honest & upfront about acceptable behavior.

You should be ready to tell the kids that at 12 & 15, they have their own lives & friends & when they grow up they wi meet someone they love &, want to be with, that person will be their choice & their lifemate, that who Mom or Dad choose NOW will be the person with Mom or Dad when the kids are off living their own lives & so the parent's choices ultimately don't affect them, as budding adults much at all.

And tell them you love them.

Oh, Daddy is handling all of

Oh, Daddy is handling all of it. But, it dawned on me the other day when I had to tell my BD that _her_ opinion on either of us dating isn't needed, wanted, or respectful. We welcome opinions, but they have to be respectful.

Which honestly is a theme repeated on this site over and over. SK's not being taught to be respectful.

That's what made me decide to actually post on here rather than just lurk.

Thanks again,
Kate

ETA: Interesting idea on the "throw away restaurant". I'll mention that to their father.

Don't go after your ex

Don't go after your ex husband for more c.s money or send your kids to live with him if he remarries. New wives HATE that.

I wanted to come back and say

I wanted to come back and say "thank you" to those of you who posted here.

Spring break happened and....it went well!!

My Xh's GF loved the idea of the "disposable restaurant" and so that's just what they did. From what everyone has said (Xh, and kids) everyone had a good time and just spend 4 days of the week getting to know each other.

I insisted my DD write the GF a thank you note for taking her out to get her nails done together and I also sent her one too, mainly thanking her for being go generous with her time and being good to the kids.

I may have overstepped a bit, but in my note to her I asked that if she have any problems with disrespect from the kids that she come to me too. My Xh can be rather dense at times and totally miss things normally socially accepted. Thankfully, she laughed and agreed with me and said if he misses or doesn't step right she'll ask me to deal with the kids. She appreciated that I expect respect and politeness from the kids at ALL times.

I guess more than anything with all this I want my kids to be happy and I'm hard pressed to think that many of these kids discussed on this site are honestly happy under all that drama.

Thanks again,
Katie

THanks! See, I don't want to

THanks! See, I don't want to _hope_ that my kids have a good relationship with the GF/ potential SM, I want to help facilitate it --- mind you from afar, very very far! Honestly, I want my kid's to like her; I want them to at least respect that she is important to their dad so that their relationship with their dad remains stable.

ANyway, thank you!

Kate

You are your ex may have a

You are your ex may have a future in writing a parenting book if things keep going as they are now!!!

****

HAHAHAHAHAH!!

HAHAHAHAH!!

Uh, no!!! I want my kids to be happy and successful, but let me tell you. The _minute_ the kids are adults my XH will be out of my life. He'll be that distant relative that I can't stand at extended family meetings and holidays.....if even then.

I may want the best for the kids and am more than willing to bend to accomplish it, but there will be NO book collaboration going on!!!

Kate

I married too young and

I married too young and became a stepmom waaayyyy too young. I would have waited longer to marry, and I probably would not have married a custodial dad had I waited. I am happy now, but it was a long, hard road.

I would have also finished college before I married.

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