I would send an email saying something like,

"Hi EXH,

I want to tell you that I appreciate how much your wife cares about our kids. I am happy that they have another adult in their lives who loves them.

I'm emailing to ask that you and I can communicate like adults about our children. While I understand that, as your wife, your wife will have some input into decisions regarding the kids, much like my DH does, I feel our kids would benefit from you and I being able to discuss issues regarding them in a civil, business-like manner. I suggest that, in order to do that, we stick to texts and email."

You may have to concede on the pick-up/drop-off issue. As long as she is not a threat to your kids, there's not much you can do about that.

You don't have to deal with his new wife she's not the other bio. I'd be blunt and inform them BOTH you will only communicate with exh, and only in regards to kids, that they are the concern legally of the bio parents and honestly she should not have to feel like she has to take on this responsibility (which she may feels she does for a variety of reasons). Every time she contacts you repeat it again and add if you continue to contact me I will consider it harassment and take further action for you to cease and desist. HOWEVER, this can sorely limit you and exh's ability to parent and communicate in regards to your kids. He doesn't have a cell so how does he communicate? How often are you communicating, or expect to communicate? As for pick ups drop offs unless it's in a CO that only you and exh can do the switch your sol.
And is doing this best for your dd or just stirring the pot to keep the status quo?

EvilWicked, see I had no problem communicating with my ex's 2nd wife. She's a good person, good mother & she has always been kind & considerate towards me. But frankly, I can't understand your ex putting her in that position with you. Anybody that's ever understood women, knows that two "wives" in charge together can eventually turn risky. Wow is he that comfortable with the both of you that he shrugged off this responsibility?

It's kinda weird. Because just a couple of miscommunications between the two of you, and it can turn into friction where there was none to begin with. Maybe I'm reading too much into this but we're not in old mainland China here with wife #1 & wife #2 (I don't want to hear it people, I'm part asian too so I can say this).

Block her. Problem over.

May I ask WHY you don't want to communicate with your ex-husband's wife? When my kids were growing up, it really didn't matter to me whether I spoke to my ex or his wife; as long as I got the information and response I needed I was good.

Just refuse to communicate with her. Don't respond to her texts or email. Block her number if you have to.

Email him and tell him that matters involving your children should be handled between the child's parents and you will no longer communicate with intermidiaries, including his ex-wife. You can soften the blow by stating that you appreciate her relationship with the children and are grateful they have a positive person in their lives; however, this does not make communication regarding custody or scheduling matters her responsibility. Also tell him that you will not longer respond to communication of this nature received directly from her.

And stop responding to her altogether.

If she/he doesn't get the hint, send the exact same communication via certified mail. He will eventually get the point. The issues and insecurities in their relationship that is causing this shift is not your problem.

I don't like doing the drop off and pick ups with BM and am glad for now I don't have to do that. I have had to do the that in the past. I also do not talk to her on the phone. That being said as a SM.

As a BM I would not want to deal with the SM.

As a DH that is in the middle and either has a jealous, or controlling new wife and she wants to call all the shots.
OR Does he really need the help due to work.

Tell EX that you will not talk, drop off or pick up from SM or girlfriend. That if he can't do it then he needs to find a neutral party if he isn't avaible.

Sometimes it just doesn't make sense to have to get someone other than the step parents, male or female to help out in the drop off and pick up. I do understand the talking on the phone that should not happen.

Theres really no good answer.

BM cannot force her ex to do anything. I agree.

But he cannot force her to speak to his wife either.

This just screams to me that you cannot let go of your ex. Why is it so important that you get to "have a conversation, or talk about when DD was a baby and things that happened"?

You are divorced. He is not your partner any more he's moved on. I'm not hearing you say that the new wife is horrible. I am hearing you desperate for attention from your ex partner. Maybe he doesn't want you in his life.

Yes you have a child together, but once you split up the happy us and the kids scenario is gone. If you wanted to parent WITH him you should have remained married to him.

No you do not have to deal with her. That is your perogative. But your ex does not have to let you in his life and keep a relationship with you. If it is truly that you don't want her not the fact that you so desperately want him then you should be content with a third party email service provider like has been mentioned here before.

As far as the pickups drop offs is it that you do not want to ever see the new wife? Would you be happy with another person? Or is it that you really, really want to have this interaction with your ex? We read here all the time about the BMs that will do anything to get the attention of the ex. He has moved on and you are toast. Learn to live with it. For your sake.

I haven't responded to this because frankly, I don't understand it. Why would your ex husband make his new wife solely responsible for dealing with you and the kids?

You could email him saying something along the lines of:

Dear ex,

While I appreciate your effort to include your new wife into our children's daily lives, I would rather deal with you when it comes to drop offs/pick ups and communications about the kids. I don't have any ill feelings towards your wife, but she's not their parent. It's completely OUR responsibility to work together as parents to make things as pleasant and practical as we can.

From this day on, please do not have her call, text or email me. I do not wish for her to be responsible for dropping off or picking up the kids unless you absolutely cannot make it due to an emergency or work-related issue.

If this is not acceptable to you, please inform me and we can talk about what kinds of compromises we would both be willing to make to resolve these issues.

Sincerely,
BM

I'm a BM and SM. I, as a BM, don't have these issues per se, as my ex LOVES to be in control and wouldn't turn anything over to his gf except for stuff I am not directly involved in. As a SM, I would refuse to be the only one dealing with BM regarding stepdevil14.

Good luck with this! I hope you're able to work something out!

"We are at a comfortable place where we can have a conversation, or talk about when DD was a baby and things that happened, or just things in general."

I would recommend cutting back on reminiscing with your ex about the kid, or just talking about things in general, whether you're doing this in front of the new wife or not. I think the new wife may sense this or know about it and that may be one thing that causes her to be insecure. If you keep your communication with the ex strictly business like and strictly about kids and only email, no phone conversations except for emergencies, that should help things.

The new wife sounds controlling but I also would have a hard time being married to someone who still maintained a friendship with the ex.

And no, you should not have to talk only to the new wife. That's just weird.

I'll give my story. My oldest son has a stepmom who I really like. She and his father live about 3 hours flight from me. When my son is going to see them I ring her and let her know the flight times and ask her to remind my son to take his meds (he is epileptic and forgetting the meds can be a disaster - his dad, although a lawyer, is a little flighty and doesn't remember everything). I now after reading everything realise I may have been pissing her off by contacting only her. I did this though, because I thought her to be the most responsible adult in the home he was visiting. Plus, I really don't like his father much and wanted as little contact as possible. Gosh, do you think I was causing her grief, I really hope not.
My SO has 2 BM's. One of them will ring me if she can't get hold of SO. We are not in each others pockets but will communicate friendly enough about their daughter. We have a good relationship. Our daughters go to the same school and about once a month I see her at the school and we have a brief chat. Nothing over the top. But when she rings me re her daughter it doesn't bother me at all. All good. I pass on whatever needs to be passed on. Sometimes I go pick her up, sometimes her dad does. No biggy. Whatever. I hope I am not pissing her off too.
The other mum is an absolute piece of work. I go nowhere near her house and she comes nowhere near mine. I know it would drive her nuts if I was at pick ups and drop offs so I just don't go. I don't need the drama.
Look at my 3 examples. Everything is individual. I could be driving 2 women to steptalk without even knowing. It's really hard to know the right advice for your situation.

Gosh, my son's SM might have been saying to my Ex, "why am I the only one who has to deal with your baggage?" And until this post I really had not thought of it like that AT ALL. I think I might owe her an apology.

My brother has a BM who he has 2 kids to. She has one also from a previous relationship and the dad is a psycho, always has been. My SO most recent BM is a psycho and always has been. I say to my bro cause we have some similar problems, that if I had my time over again I would have a look at who they had bred with before us because it is a pretty good indicator of the standard of person you are hooking up with. Too late now. But I will pass this tidbit onto my children/relatives. I really wish I had worked this out sooner. But, gotta again say for the record, love my son we had together, he brings me a great deal of joy, even if he is half brother to the two psychos kids.

And Shook, I think it's wise to interview the exes, but sometimes, they just don't show their level of crazy until it is way to bloody late - as was my case - LOL!

Very Very Wise. Maybe there is some time of business $$$ to be made out of this. I am trying to think of the angle. It will come to me.

Talk to the exH about it, if it becomes a bigger problem, have it put in the CO.

I hope the ex writes back and sets boundaries for you. sounds like you can't let it go, you're not his friend anymore. You're his ex, and his child's bio-mother. his female-friend is his wife. you want to have a friend? go talk to your husband, he can be your friends, leave your ex alone. maybe when you do that, instead of violating boundaries, the stepmom will not feel like she has to handle communication with you any longer. did you ever think to ask why they started having the stepmom deal with you to begin with???? hmm could it have something to do with YOU? probably!!!!

totally disrespectful. get over it, you divorced the guy.

I gotta go against the corwd here. If she's pleasant and everyone gets along I don't think you should be stirring up trouble where none needs to be. Why not just be thankful you have a peaceful relationship with your ex and his new wife?

That would be best for everyone, and doing otherwise will likely make you look petty and spiteful, as well as CRAZY JEALOUS of new wife.

Just sayin'.

My ex does this, too. I email him, he forwards to his wife, she replies. I reply to him, he forwards to his wife, she replies. Lather, rinse, repeat. I can't stop their end of the circle, but I do not have to engage with her. When I have HAD to speak with him on the phone and he puts her on the phone to talk to me? I simple repeat, over and over: "I need to speak with 's father. Please put him on the phone." It has taken upwards of an hour until he finally gets on the phone. (Why they don't hang up? No clue.)

I get along well with my exH & his 2nd wife.
My exH gets along with my DH.
My exH's mother got along well with her exH.
My exH's Stepfather got along well ex's mom & dad.
My exH's sister gets along with her DH's ex BM.

We're one big happy extended family. If there is any insecurity, we voice it out with a few comments & the other picks up on it & we manage to fix issues before they become problems. It's so simple because they're sane. Insecure or not, everybody has to behave like civilized human beings. In this family, I know our kids will grow up sane within this mature environment.

VERSUS

My current DH's ex BM? A nightmare to behold. Insecure & insane & violent.
BM's mother's 3 husbands did NOT get along.
BM's mother's skids, BMs halfs & step sibs, all do NOT get along.
There were more rules, boundaries that led into high conflict & court (ex's taking each other to court & skids taking SM to court, cut out of wills, etc.).

Sorry, this insecure SM has to get over it. Your daughter's mental health & how she will grow up depends on what the parents in each household teach her & how they get along with each other.

DH and BM cannot talk to each other because BM tries to bring up the past and DH (who has short patience and temper to begin with) has to bear it and make small talk, but he actually wishes to put his head through a wall and ended up relegating the email responses to me because he's sick and tired of dealing with her small talk. He won't pick up her phone calls or communicate with her in any way, especially after several "false alarm" emergencies to get him to talk to her. I'm not the middle person on that though, MIL is, anything Bm needs to let DH know, she has to tell MIL who will then get a hold of DH to let him know. Otherwise there is literally no communication at all. DH has no problem going dark on her. BM is the one who is more desperate to let him know, therefore she has to play by his rules, either MIL or nothing. She chose MIL. She probably hates it but DH doesn't care.

Pick up and drop offs...in a hypothetical situation, if you would have no problem with your ex's mother always doing pick up and drop offs (because your ex can't make those times), I don't see why there would be a problem with SM. If you needed your sibling to do it for you because you don't have the time, wouldn't you want a bit of understanding from your ex instead of him saying your sibling can't do pick up and drop offs?

IMHO, if you are okay with no communication anymore with your ex's household (because that's a risk you'd have to take) regarding your child, then set those limits. Just as they are taking the risk of no communication with you if they keep on using SM as the middle person, at least now all the boundaries are known and set.

Also, has no one thought maybe her ex can't afford a cell phone and the SM won't pay for his (which she shouldn't have to anyway?)

A polite constructive message like RedWings suggests seems like much the best way to handle this situation. And maybe you should avoid too many reminiscences with your ex and keep it short and constructive. It's good to get on well with the father of your children but too many lengthy handovers or phone chit chats are bound to antagonise the ex's new wife, who wants to focus on the now of her relationship with her husband rather than frequently feeling like the first wife is intruding.

It seems highly likely that she felt her husband was not maintaining appropriate boundaries with you and that's why she has intervened in communication between you. Maybe new wife is being oversensitive, maybe not, but if she's generally reasonable there's no point antagonising her by taking an aggressive 'butt out I will ONLY communicate with ex-H' approach.

I agree with you OP in that you want to deal only with the child's father on matters concerning the child. But you need to deal with the child's father only on matters concerning the child. Not when the child was a baby, not on his current relationship issues, and not on any other unrelated topics.

I think in doing so you are being extremely disrespectful (as is he) of his marriage and more importantly, your own. If you want to reminisce, do so with your own husband. Tell him stories about your daughter as a baby. No need to go down memory lane with a married man, especially since you, yourself are married.