When a friend attacks your blended family
I have a former friend that said some pretty nasty things to me when we got into an argument, and she completely negated the fact that I claim my stepdaughter as mine. I also have a goddaughter that is very close to my stepdaughter, and it helps out our blended family because although I am a childless stepmom, when my goddaughter comes over, she's my lil angel which helps me to enforce rules with my younger SD, and to them they are godsisters which helps a whole lot because that gives us all some sort of connection beyond marriage. Confusing right? Lol I hope not, but I always refer to them as my girls because when they are with me they are my girls. So after getting into an argument with a close friend, she said, "What girls? U don't have any kids. Stop trying to steal other people's kids." OMG I was hurt to the core which in turn made me say some pretty nasty things back to her. The girls were not there by the way. But I thought, how could she? She knows I want kids and after 13 years of friendship, I would NEVER hit below the belt like that. But after hearing that I just cannot bring myself to speak to her anymore. I feel like if she said it while we were arguing then maybe she's always thought that about me and the girls, like it is all an act. Like Christmas, school shopping, and hugs and kisses is all an act that I put on for them. Smh. I take my role as a stepmom seriously after being raised by a stepparent myself, I take extra steps to make sure my SD and I have a great bond, which we do. It gets rocky at times, but overall I'm proud of my blended family and I regret that a former friend of mine just could not have been supportive.
I would have GONE OFF on the
I would have GONE OFF on the friend....
But that's just the mood I'm in today. Seriously, families come in ALL different shapes and sizes nowadays. They don't have to be blood or even step to consider them family. Some of my very dear friends are family to me. It takes a village, not just for children, but for all of us to live and learn and grow. I have seen neighbors and even strangers come together and support each other. If that isn't family, then what is?
Also, as a stepdaughter myself, my stepdad meant the world to me and he was very much my family.
Sounds like that friend of yours is very narrow-minded and judgmental. IF she really meant what she said and it wasn't in the heat of the moment.
I agree, thank you.
I agree, thank you.
Well, I would definitely
Well, I would definitely remember if I carried a child in my stomach for nine months, and then delivered them. Lol I mean duh, I know they are not "mine" either biologically, but is there anything wrong with claiming them as mine when they are with me? She does not have bio kids like, myself. That is one of the hardest things to deal with as a stepmom when people think you are "playing mommy" when you are actually just being yourself and making sure everyone is involved. I grew up with a step parent who was very offish toward me and I always resented that, I mean no affection, just duty. And that's not the kind of step parent I wanna be. I am hands on, very hands on, and I will not apologize for that. But you said it best.. Why she felt the need to rub in the obvious is beyond me. We both are trying to conceive, and I don't want my SD to feel like I did when my mom and SD had my little sister because we were treated extremely different and it was hard to live like that. So I have reasons fro being the way I am with my SD, but did I really deserve that?
She is TTC too? Does she have
She is TTC too? Does she have any kids? It sounds like jealousy, if she has no kids she resents that you are claiming those or like Echo said, she has someone trying to steal hers. Maybe she is worried someone will. Whatever the reason, you hit a nerve with her. Her loss.
It's definitely awful that
It's definitely awful that she said that to you. It seems like she snapped and yea, she probably was thinking it all along. Now that I have my own biological child, I can say that I honestly feel a closer/deeper bond with my daughter than I ever did with my SS. I never knew how deeply I could love another person before my daughter so in a way, I agree that she's not your child. I think once you have your own child you will feel a difference. It doesn't mean that you'll treat her any differently and it may or may not strengthen your bond with her but there's definitely a difference. As far as your friend goes, I would be so hurt by that I don't think I could go back to a civil relationship. I think I would always feel judged by her and that's not a real friendship. I'm sorry that you went through that, hopefully you have more supportive friends in your life.
Wow. Sounds like friend has
Wow. Sounds like friend has some issues of her own. Tell her how hurtful that was. When you can speak to her again. Went thru the same with mom reminding me I don't have any kids or grandkids of my own about the time I found out I could not have any. I didn't willingly speak to her for about 6 months. Then I realized how absurd she was, I'm adopted.
Oh my goodness Itman, I can't
Oh my goodness Itman, I can't imagine how you must have felt hearing that from your mom, especially given the timing. I'm curious, does she treat your skid as she would a grandchild? On a lighter note, I'm sure your mom doesn't think of you as anything but "her own". My DD was adopted and I would bitchslap somebody if they ever considered telling me that I don't have kids of my own...lol. Still, that was very insensitive of her to say and I can understand you not speaking with her. I hope she apologized!
No. Not since ysd helped
No. Not since ysd helped create a huge rift between her and her sister that lasted for years. (long story)
Never apologized or even recognized she said anything. Lol, mom's always had great timing.
Oh, what a shame. I can
Oh, what a shame. I can relate to the mom and the bad timing/judgement. My mom, when I was struggling with lost pregnancies and infertility, decided that was the year she wanted to send a Christmas letter, and proceeded to tell everyone (family, friends, and some people she knew whom I'd never met) in that letter about all of the problems I had been having. :? Yea, I didn't speak to her for a while either. She couldn't understand why I was upset :jawdrop: Sometimes they just don't get it...lol.
I feel for you. I have no
I feel for you. I have no biological kids, but I love SD7 like my own. We have her on the weekends, and my SO has made it abundantly clear that when it's us three, I'm mom. That goes for both the love and the discipline. "Friends" of mine have expressed their...confusion...at my situation. I call SD7 "kiddo" in my Facebook posts, and my friends will comment along the lines of, "Since when did you have kids?" It's hurtful. Like, just because I didn't push her out of my lady parts, I don't matter in her life. Or the other way around--that she shouldn't matter in mine.
I see that you're TTC. It's no wonder you treat your skid as if she's your own. I realize there's a certain bond bio parents have with their own kids, but as sparents we should do our best to make all our kids feel equally loved. You go on loving your girls; they're lucky to have you. When baby comes along, they'll feel like sisters, not like strangers. <3
That's terrible for your
That's terrible for your friend to act like that. Maybe she was upset about TTC and was a little jealous that you have a child in your life and she doesn't.
I never have openly referred to SD as "mine" or anything like that, but I never openly say she isn't either. I have had people, strangers mostly, call her my daughter, or refer to me as her mother, and I don't correct them. I also don't introduce the kids as DD and SD, I just introduce them by name. I do this mainly because 1) I don't feel anywhere near the same feelings for her that I do my DD, never have and never will, and 2) I have respect for her mother. She's her mother (although a poor one), not me, and deserves the title of "mom" as well as claiming SD as hers.
Of course, I have since decided to disengage from parenting her for various reasons, so pretty much am limiting any time spent with or around her.
Wow that was really
Wow that was really insensitive of your friend. I think if people aren't stepparents, they really just can't comprehend the situation. I have friends and family members who have made comments about me not having kids too. I have a SD5 and I treat her as well as I can, but I don't feel any real closeness with her like I would if she were my own. To be honest, I really don't even like kids so I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. It's nothing personal. I'm sure when I have my own it will be a completely different experience. The most recent thing that happened & hurt my feelings was when I called my mom on mother's day morning to wish her a happy mother's day and make plans for our day together. She didn't even think to say happy mother's day to me. Nothing from the in-laws either. Luckily, I have friends who thought about me. The worst comment is "it's different when they're your own." Yeah, no shit.
My step-dad always referred
My step-dad always referred to my sisters and I as his girls and we knew he meant it! |t did not matter one bit that he wasn't our bio-father, he loved us and was family just the same. Maybe your friend is feeling insecure or jealous....?
Hrmmm. Maybe our experience
Hrmmm. Maybe our experience is different because of my SO's background. His mom was really young when she had him, so he was raised by his grandparents. His sister's child was abused by her biological dad, so she's being raised by her SD and calls him "Daddy." I don't have kids, and SD7 is the closest thing I have. So, in our world. it doesn't matter who created you. It's who loves you.
I'm not trying to "replace" or "disrespect" her mother.* The beauty of a blended family is that there are even more people there who love the child. When SD7 was tasked with drawing a picture of her family for school, she drew herself alongside all four of us, with BM and BD on either side of her. She's not confused; she's loved.
*Although I won't lie, I laughed a bit that time SD7 had a tantrum at bedtime and told BM she wished I were her mom instead.
What an arse. I wouldn't
What an arse. I wouldn't talk to her again unless she called and apologized profusely and begged forgiveness on both knees while standing on rocks.