I dug myself a huge hole
I am new to this and hoping for some great insight on how to get my marriage back on track...
I have 3 kids, my husband has 4 from previous marriages. We've been married 3 1/2 years and it's had its ups and downs and a good share of stupid little arguements.
He has now left me after a big fight between our whole family and I yelled at his kids for something he told me they said, which they didn't. To make a long story short, I blew up at them over something he said and now I'm paying the price.
He wants me to work on my anger outbursts before he will consider working on us--99% out the door he says, but he still loves me.
How can I get my stepdaughters to know how sorry I am, how much I love them and their dad in a way that shows that I absolutely willing to try and do whatever it takes??
I feel empty, hurt, angry, and very lonely without them here. My daughter is the same age as 2 of his daughters and she is grieving as well. At our house, we're missing him, and when he has visitation with the girls, he says he is just throwing himself into them and not letting them see his pain, which I feel is wrong. If we get back together, wouldnt' that be very hard for the girls?
Please, any and all advice I need desperately. I want my family back and I'll do whatever it takes.
Thanks!
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I am so sorry you are
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I know how it feels when your husband leaves you and all you can do is blame yourself. Before you go beating yourself up.. I can't imagine dealing with a blended family with 7 kids together. From the surface and just reading your post I don't see anything that warrants him just leaving. Lets face it we all make mistakes and are stressed out from time to time so it sounds like he should give you a break for goodness sakes. If you don't feel safe with your H to make mistakes than you are going to be walking on eggshells and trying to be perfect for the rest of your marriage. Tell him to give you a break.. geez.. This situation doesn't warrant this type of response from him. I am assuming you didn't hit his girls or anything like this.. Gosh.. I am not helping you out much but don't take this all on .. he owns it too.
Guess I'm having a hard time understanding why he told you
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
his kids said something, when they actually didn't? Was he baiting you?
Sorry, I'm just at a loss here...
He said he got the stories
He said he got the stories messed up. I don't think he was baiting me, I think he was upset about who and what to believe and then he messed up what the kids told him and I completely overreacted and told them if they were going to lie about me in my own house that was unacceptable and I would never do anything like that, etc...but YELLED it. Big mistake. And I'm so sorry...I lost it being accused of something like that.
I have to figure out how to reach them...so they can begin to forgive.
I have never hit his girls.
I have never hit his girls. But Sunday I did yell at them because he told me that they told him that I grabbed and shook my sd5, which I absolutely DID NOT *which is why I yelled*. I bumped into her on the stairs BY ACCIDENT and continued to yell at my husband "thanks a lot again" (for not listening to me). The SD5 says that I grabbed her arm or leaned into her, the story keeps changing. I would never harm them, I don't even hit my own kids.
His kids are mad at me for yelling at them and fighting with their dad. Do you guys think I should just give it time or should we all sit down and talk so that I can apologize? I've written a letter to them apologizing and telling them how much I love them that my husband will read to them. I suggested a family counselor but my DH doesn't think it's a good idea, not sure why. We've been a family for almost 4 years and I've know the girls for 10. It's very hard to let them go.
7 kids in a house is going to be stressful for anyone at times. I am not perfect and don't claim to be. I fight about the small stuff far too much and know I have to work on that.
But if there's love, shouldn't there be faith and forgiveness?
I still don't see what you
I still don't see what you did wrong. This sounds like a miscommunication by everyone. Everyone needs to apologize not just you. Again this situation doesn't warrant your husband leaving you.. that is nuts. If I were you I would tell him that you are human and not a lot of women would of taken on 7 kids (4 which is his) and that he needs to respect you enough not to leave your marriage over a simple miscommunication. If you don't put your foot down you will be walking on eggshells your entire marriage. Hang in there..
We do argue quite often when
We do argue quite often when his kids are around because of the typical weekend dad syndrome that he doesn't want to discipline the kids the little time he has them, which I understand to a point and he's gotten much better. SD5 and I lately for the last few months have just butted heads. She lies about me, she plays games between her dad and I, but overall is a really good kid, just testing us right now but has bragged about how proud she is when she gets us in a fight.
Fighting at least once/twice a month is fairly ugly. Lots of name calling, meanness, has taken it's toll on DH. I didn't know how bad he felt until he just left, really. I knew we both hated the cycle of fighting, but couldn't find a way off. Well, now he's off and living at his fathers and I just packed food, towels, toiletries etc, and thought I was going to have a panic attack. NOT what I want. He claims to still love me and always wants me in his life, but just needs time to find himself right now. He's almsot 45---could this be midlife crisis for him??
HE LEFT??
I'm sorry for what you are going through, but he just left? He left over an argument? I don't see it?
Where are the kids? You have them all?
He is at his fathers and you are home with the kids? How long ago did this happen?
And no I don't think it's a mid life crisis.
"And this too shall pass..."
Sounds like everyone involved could do with a little peace and
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
quiet, a little self-evaluation. Personally, I don't know many who could maintain a calm, quiet atmosphere with 7 children around
Sounds like he's over reacting=which is pretty much what he's accusing you of doing, isn't it? 'Course I wasn't there and don't know how badly it got out of hand.
I'm not a yeller, but
I probably would have yelled at them for something like that, too. And your husband needs to take some responsibility for getting the stories mixed up. I don't think what you said was wrong.
Sorry you're going through this.
“Every truth has two sides; it is as well to look at both, before we commit ourselves to either”~Aesop
Pinky..
It sound like you guys should look into counselling - for couples, and as a family. This is no way to live for any of you, and if you and your DH want your marriage to survive, it may be time to seek outside help.
Yeah, Pinky.
I don't know your situation, other than what I've read here. But there are a couple of things that I think sound really problematic:
1) HE was the one that messed the story up, but apparently he isn't taking any responsibility for that (at least he could acknowledge that you overreacted because you were wrongly accused).
2) He apparently is putting ALL the onus for working things out on you. He says he's 99% out the door, but he loves you? To me, that sounds like emotional blackmail. In other words, "I'm pretty sure I'm totally out of here, and it's up to you to find the needle in the haystack that will make me come back." That doesn't sound good.
3) You guys have been fighting a lot, for a while, yelling and name calling. Does he do it, as well? If so, then he's got a pretty active hand in the anger and disrespect. Yet he doesn't think counseling sounds like a good idea?
It sounds like he blames you "99%" for everything wrong in the marriage. Wow. Is that the case? If so, where's his half of the responsibility for being so passive? If you didn't even know how bad he felt until he left, why is that? Aren't spouses required to make a good faith effort to explain their feelings to each other?
Sorry -- I know you want help in how to get him back. I guess I would start by asking him to meet you at a neutral place, (perhaps public so you can't yell) and sit down and calmly talk about how you both feel, using "I" statements rather than "you" statements. "I feel alone" vs. "You push me away", etc.
Keep in touch -- I really feel for you. I've been there.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
I see lots of problems here,
I see lots of problems here, and I agree with belleboudeuse.
The yelling, name calling, frequent ugly fights, in front of the children no less, having 7 children in one house, the miscommunication and blame game...and those are just from the little bit you've said here. Sounds like therapy is desperately needed for the whole family, as well as marriage counseling. You both might need individual as well to address how you deal with stress and anger. He's definitely playing the blame game though. I think you are right to apologize to his kids for yelling at them due to a miscommunication, but make sure they know the whole story. Its not all your fault. And the guilt parenting from him is a big issue as well. Sounds like there a lot of work that needs to be done.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
you have been given good insight..
but 2 statements struck me..
"She lies about me, she plays games between her dad and I, but overall is a really good kid, just testing us right now but has bragged about how proud she is when she gets us in a fight."
and then
"I suggested a family counselor but my DH doesn't think it's a good idea, not sure why."
It seems to me that there are a lot of issues going on beyond this "fight" It takes both partners to make the family dynamic work... it doesn't seem that he is contributing to that dynamic in a positive tone.
Of course, this is from what you have posted....I don't feel that you are 100% in the wrong!! Apparently you don't feel like yelling is appropriate, and in yelling at the kids you feel you have done something wrong. If this bothers your conscience then def rectify this for your own peice of mind, but do not allow your DH to place the blame for the entire scenario on your shoulders.