How do you disengage if your husband doesn't?
Hi, I am new here and have read only a small amount of posts. What I need to know is how do I disengage from my stepkids if my husband doesn't? My stepkids are home from college and spend every weekend and one night a week at our house. My kids, whom my husband is in the process of adopting, are starting to spend less and less time at home when his kids are here. They are always causing drama, they are the only thing my husband and I really argue about. I just feel like it is never going to end. I love my husband so much and my kids love my husband but this is the 5th year and I don't know how much longer I can take the drama and turmoil. I cannot sit in the house every weekend watching tv. I can make plans with my friends but weekends are the only time I can spend time with my husband. We have to pick his kids up and drive them back and forth to work all weekend, they are 19 and 20.
Any advice? I try to stay out of their conflicts but they are constant. My husband complains to me about them and their drama but never does anything about it. I am so sick of it!!! They don't drink or use drugs or anything like that. They are extremely immature, have no friends, just want to sit and watch tv all day and night. The son is only working about 15 hours per week. My husband told him he needs to work more but the mother told him he doesn't. It just goes on and on and on. . . . .
Easy. YOU disengage. You do
Easy. YOU disengage. You do not have to drive them to their jobs all weekend. You do not have to sit and watch tv with them all weekend. I find it bizarre that your dh does-they are 19 and 20. I didnt even know that "kids" of this age still did visitation, much less every weekend. Take your kids and get out of the house and do some fun things. Hang out with a friend. Yes, I understand you want to be with dh, but as it stands if you just keep going along with the current plan then I think things could continue this way for change. If YOU start doing something different though it will shake things up. Perhaps your dh will realize he misses you. Perhaps he will encourage his "kids" to spend sometime with peers.
Thanks, I will look up her
Thanks, I will look up her posts. I think it is totally bizarre that they are here watching tv all weekend too. My friends all think it is bizarre. That is the problem, his kids are bizarre! They are so dependent upon each other and go to the same college. When she went this year people thought they were boyfriend and girlfriend not sister and brother. It is weird. My husband thinks he should spend the weekends with them because their mother is such a loser he wants to be their "friend" not their father and he cannot see how it is not helping them. It is just so frustrating. I will go look up her posts now.
My first piece of advise is
My first piece of advise is to quit driving them anywhere. If DH wants you to ride along tell him no thank you. If the sk needs a ride suggest they work on getting their license, Insurance and a car.
When DH comes home from dropping them off do not be home. Let him be lonly and call to see where you are.
Be direct with DH. Tell him you want to spend time with him and the minor kids. Adult kids are supposed to be independent.
Thank you for all the advice.
Thank you for all the advice. Fortunately we do not have them this weekend. Their Mom has some relatives visiting so they are at her house. Even my kids have noticed how much more relaxed my husband was last night, I think it is because he knew his kids weren't coming here today. I am going to have to explore this site. I am glad I found it.
You need to find time to
You need to find time to spend with your husband alone whether that is a night during the week when the kids are not there or a time you two can have together on the weekend, a dinner our or even a walk, plan it. As far as the kids, the two of you need to talk about boundaries for having the kids over. Every weekend, really?
Do these skids not work ??
Do these skids not work ?? Even part time ?? You stop being their taxi driver, cook, maid etc, and DH steps up......
You and your DH need to start having " plans " at the weekends too, outside the house, so skids will not visit all the time, why would they come over to sit in an empty house, surely they come over to see your DH and spend time with him?? If Dh is not there ALL the time, has other plans, it may lead you to having more say about the weekends and boundaries in your own home ..... Good luck !!