Navigating the holidays
Hi.
I am dating a Canadian man who lives in the US with two children. He has his children Christmas eve, his ex-wife on Christmas. When we discussed the holidays this year, his response was "of course" we wound not be spending the holidays together because he and his ex-wife are taking the kids back up to Canada. There was not even any thought of including me, which really hurt.
He and I have talked marriage and are viewing our marriage as long term, so I asked him, "so my only option from here on would be to go to Canada with you because your ex-wife wants to (what he says), and we don't get to spend any Christmases with my family in US?" Really, I want to be sensitive to his needs and to his children, but there is no wiggle room to include me. I am willing to go to Canada every other year, but he should consider me also.
I would love to hear how other people handle this sort of issue. THanks for the help.
Meg
He and his ex should not be
He and his ex should not be taking family trips together. They aren't a family.
Sorry to say it but you are
Sorry to say it but you are not married yet, so maybe that is why he is not acting like you do not matter at all....?
If he's acting like she
If he's acting like she doesn't matter at all now, why in the world would she consider marrying him?
How long have you been with
How long have you been with him?
I totally agree. This is a
I totally agree. This is a bad sign of things to come. Tip of the iceberg.
Ah Christmasses,
Ah Christmasses, Christmassies, Christmasii...
The Holidays!
These used to be a happy time....I can't remember a single Christmas since I met my DW where I didn't have to hug her, console her and be the shoulder to cry on because we only get SS for half a day. "poor widdle SS" gets to double up on Christmas presents at both our houses and his Dad's. Oh the horror! I really feel bad for the kid. How is he supposed to live if he only sees us for half a day!? That half-a-day window consist of me driving to my folks, grabbing the presents there, wishing everyone and then rushing over to my in-laws. Repeat.
So now days I just try my best to weather the storm of the holidays and act as FOTY. I don't care where I spend my time or if my stockings get stuffed, so long as the bar is fully stocked.
That's how I handle my holidays! Plenty of drink and good cheer (and really, the good cheers are optional)
Big red flag here....Do not
Big red flag here....Do not marry him, he will never put you first if he is not doing it now when you are dating. As for the ex on vacation with him...WRONG! This is not appropriate.
Yikes, this would be a deal
Yikes, this would be a deal breaker for me. Why is he letting his ex dicate how the holidays go? Run for the hills girl.
I feel especially qualified
I feel especially qualified on this topic based on my experiences. When I met FDH, we fell madly in love and were immediately a very serious item.
We met in Jan and around Halloween started having issues in this arena. It started with the fact that despite his CO saying otherwise and SD(then 10) telling him she didn't want him there, he made a point of going to BM's house to take her trick-or-treating. After some discussion, he decided I could come too. But somehow, with our work schedules, he thought it best for me to park at a nearby store and he and SD would pick me up. Needless to say, this wasn't the best Halloween ever. It was obvious he was trying to keep me away from his little family deal.
I go to my grandmother's house 5 hours from here every Thanksgiving. She is in her 90s so I plan to do this once a year thing until she's gone. I invited him to come and really wanted him to meet her and the rest of my extended family. His response? "That sounds great. But I need to find out if BM's parents will be here this year". I was really confused over this. Turns out he was waiting to see if BM would invite him over for dinner with the kids. Yup! I got my way and we went to see Grandma and had a lovely time. But I almost killed him before that and I was really upset for weeks.
Then stupid me broached the topic at Christmas. I wanted to spend it with him, of course. But that worked out semi-badly. You see, he and BM already had a six year tradition of him spending Christmas mornings at BM's house for Santa gift opening.(I think he used to stay over Christmas Eve too). I pointed out that the youngest (10) no longer believed but it happened anyway. He asked BM if I could join and she said no because her parents were there. We all know that had nothing to do with it. So we spent Christmas Eve and Christmas afternoon/night together while I sat alone on Christmas morning. And I said the same thing as you to him "Wait, if we are going to be together, are you expecting me to spend Christmas morning alone every year? Do I have to wait for your ex-wife to maybe invite you to Thanksgiving every year before I know if you will be with ME, your SO, for the holiday???" It's totally ridiculous, right?
So last year was our first Christmas living together. After many discussions, he told BM they'd follow the CO this year instead and we would have them Christmas Eve and she would get them at noon Christmas Day. Well, when she realized that meant she wouldn't be coming over my house, that there would be no joint "mommy/daddy gifts" and that she wasn't controlling the holidays, all hell broke loose with her. And he had a VERY difficult time dealing with it. In the end, the holiday was great and the kids were happy but we're STILL having issues in this arena related to birthdays, etc...
If I had realized over two years ago what this was really telling me about my future, I would have run. But I was, like you, trying to be supportive of him being a good father. I thought things would change when we moved in together (they mostly did after some really awful arguments and a LOT of feeling like the outsider who didn't matter as much). But I thought he'd just settle in and the grip of BM and the divorce/kid guilt would magically dissipate. It didn't. It's ALWAYS a struggle when it comes to the kids and his ex running our lives.
Sweetie, I am not trying to be a Debbie Downer. But you REALLY need to look at this situation and decide if you want to sign up long-term for this. As I posted above in another comment, this is just a sign. This is just the very, very tip of the iceberg. And Canada has nothing to do with it!
I wish you the best.
Holidays always seem to be
Holidays always seem to be stressful...
Not sure what I would do in your situation, but being in a relationship means that BOTH parties need to compromise.
Both DH & I come from divorced families... So there's roughly 5 families to hit up (ours, DHs mom and her family, my Dad & SMs, my Mom & SF's, DHs dad & his family) not including BM.
In the past (and now too) DH has SD every Christmas Eve so he can take her to his dads, then he drops her off at BMs, then gets her back Christmas Day around noon so he can take her to his moms.
Now with my families in the picture it has been a little tricky. The first year we were together my dads family had Christmas on Christmas night (I went with DH to his dads Christmas Eve)... And DH refused to "allow" us to go to both my dads and his moms parties... So we went by ourselves to each respective parents party's. That was rough. The next year we both went to my dads and skipped his moms (we saw her on the 26th). Last year my dad decided to do Christmas on Christmas Eve... But since my siblings have little ones now we did it early and told a little white lie to my dad to get out of there early and go to his dads too before having to drop SD off at BMs.
That worked great last year... Not sure what we're gonna do this year now that my mom has moved back to town.
DH & I tend to try it take it year by year and go from there... My families, on the other hand, are very type a and like to plan every holiday in advance... Oy!
As stressful as it can be, try to remind your SO that the important thing is that you guys are together as a family on the holidays and that's all that matters.