Am I wrong?
Hello everyone: I need some straight honest advice on if I'm in the wrong about certain things. I've been with my live in boyfriend for close to five years. No marriage, not even an engagement but that's a whole another issue. I have one 19 year old and he has two (6 & 8). His ex wife has another child from another man who is 12 and my boyfriend was her father figure (along with her real dad) for four years of her life. Now, my boyfriend STILL plays father figure to her.
EVERYTIME he gets his daughters on an off weekend he picks up the other child as well instead of her going with her real father. Now, I love his daughters. I'm also very kind and accommodating to the other child as well, however, I'm starting to wonder why I am required to be.
His ex wife cheated on him and left him for another man. He hurt her physically when all of that happened and that's when they finally ended it. He wasn't ready to leave his family though. I sometimes feel that he feels that the break up of the marriage is his fault and he's holding on and taking care of this other child because he wants to look good in the ex's eyes should she ever want to take him back.
Now, this child has her real father, her new step-father AND my boyfriend as well. He claims her as his own. When I first met him, he said he had three daughters when he only has two. Whenever he picks all of them up he says I'm so happy I'm getting my three girls. He has her name as all of his passwords, not even his own daughters. She hugs him from behind and sits on his lap.
I just don't understand what is going on here. He lives with me by the way. Like the lease is in my name, etc.
Am I in the wrong for not wanting to be around nor responsible for this child that is not his? I'm having a difficult time dealing with his two. Especially since I don't have the type of commitment that I deserve. I've played the wife/step-mom role so well and it's now starting to get to me.
I don't have any ill feelings towards this child, however, I'm wondering if this is normal behavior from a man?
Also, I feel that he doesn't appreciate me and takes me for granted. I've been so good to him and his kids and I rarely have gotten a thank you, etc. I guess I'm maybe feeling resentful. Maybe I'm just tired of the situation. Maybe I need to date a man with no children at all.
Any input and/or advice is much appreciated.
Thanks so much!
P.S. We just got into a bit of an argument because his ex (damsel in distress) wife is stuck and won't be home for two more days so she asked him to keep his girls two extra days. That is fine. HOWEVER, he just called and said that she asked him to pick up the other child as well because her dad's fiancé didn't want to keep her the extra time. So this is the issue. Instead of her calling someone else to take care of her other child she relies on my boyfriend to do that. It's just draining. Am I being a bad person?
You don't have the commitment
You don't have the commitment you deserve from him because he has a wife. & Sadly you are not her.
{{{{{Hugs}}}}
You deserve better kick his using a$$ out.
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I think you are in the wrong
I think you are in the wrong way of thinking. He considers that child his, whether or not the child is his biologically he loves and will care for the child. You don't get to say whether or not he should have a relationship with her because clearly he does and clearly he wants the relationship. DNA does not a family make.
You have a problem with him. You need to address it with him. If he takes you for granted and does not respect you, then you have bigger issues then him caring for a child that is not biologically his.
I get what you're saying to a
I get what you're saying to a degree. My DH has no kids at all but is the Father to a child his Exwife borne of an affair while they were married. He is 9 now & still doesn't know he's not is BioDad, despite knowing something is off because they are two different races which kid used to question but gave up I guess as they only gave vague blow off answers. I don't care that he is the Father to this kid-he's the only one he's ever known because Ex decided not to even tell the Bio that the boy exists. My problem is how he allows both the Ex and the Boy to use and take advantage of his already overwhelming kindness. More than once it's been the near fatal level of me walking away.
I have to exercise extreme patience when it comes to dealing with my DH when it concerns this kid because he has some very real holes in his own life from being Motherless and Fatherless. He has not dealt with all the issues that come from being orphaned in the way he was (his mother is primary issue). The Ex & his Mom are exactly alike, right down to cheating, using men for money and birthing babies by random men while married to someone else.
It took me 2 years to figure out the ex was this way (she puts on a good front & I married him during this time) and another Year to realize why he deals with it and we are in year 5 now and so I've started addressing this as HIS issue as much as I address the kids behaviors. We still deal with some stuff with the kid--the older he gets, the more he is like his Mom, manipulative. Spoiled. Lazy as a slug on a rock. Greedy. Liar. And now that she's remarried this year and going to have another baby in August, he's acting out and getting in trouble at school. DH is way too cajoling, allows the manipulation because he feels guilty for his own lies to the boy and he wants to always "make up" for it and for not being there FT in his life as if its somehow his fault the kid isn't his and that the BM is such a biotch. We have the kid plenty as it is.
Anyway, if I were in YOUR position, I'd not be living with him and I'd be reviewing his intentions. I had to check DH intentions and realized it wasn't related to feelings for his EX -its related to his unresolved abandonment issues & poor relationship with his Mother to this day. (I would not have married DH had I known the full story beforehand). Once you figure out your BF's motives you can decide if you should stay or walk away. As in does he involve in all this abnormal attachment because he is trying to be the Hero for his Ex despite her behaviors OR is he really just trying to be the kids Hero? Is he, in general, the Save the Day type who needs a lot of admiration and adoration? Was it him or the Ex who initiated the divorce? These are just a few questions to get started on as you try to get to root causes. Considering she has a Father in her life, his behavior is strange. Not so much that he sees the girl as he did help raise her but the whole over the top way in which he's doing it is where the red flag flies. Good luck!
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It could very much be and
It could very much be and most likely is that he's not over her. Her being remarried means nothing, 5 years means nothing. He's not committed to you. You feel like he's doing things so he can still look good to her. Don't ignore that. If she got divorced and called and said, I want you to come home, what do you honestly think he'd do? Would he say,no thanks,we've been over for years because you're an adulteress, or would he be out of your house so fast you'd only feel the breeze going by?
He's only divorced because she paid for it. And I hate to put it this way, but it sounds like. He's with you because of the convenience. You've been introduced because he's doing the absolute minimum to keep you on the hook so he has someone around to play cook/housekeeper/bedwarmer.
You have two totally separate issues here - one that you aren't wild about being responsible for a kid that isn't even his and two that he's way less in this relationship than you are. Two is really the bigger issue and one, in many ways is likely just a symptom of why two is an issue. You know you deserve better, you deserve more, why not go find it? You love him, but does he feel the same about you? Is he making the same kind of effort for you that you make for him?
I briefly dated a guy who
I briefly dated a guy who told me he still visits his ex-girlfriend's daughters, they are young so that effectively means he visits the ex-girlfriend too. I though that was a little weird. Not unheard of, but obviously he had some emotional attachments that I thought were inappropriate. He was also willing to drop everything, including our date at the last minute because his ex-wife suddenly wanted to leave town and his boys didn't want to go with BM, even though it was her weekend. Too many red flags, you know.
And I think you're raising a big red flag with his weird relationship with the girl who apparently is the most important woman in his life.
Right when I read that this girl's name is used for all of his passwords, that's when I thought you should seriously think about getting rid of this guy. But you're already there, aren't you. The fact that you mention your name is on the lease tells me you're already thinking about kicking him out. Trust your gut on this one. This is not the girl's fault, but this isn't your fault either. You can't fix this guy. There are other guys out there who don't have weird relationships with other people's kids.
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