BF's daughter won't meet me
So I'm not quite a step parent but would like to be. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year. He has been divorced for almost two. I have yet to be around his 8 year old daughter. I met her briefly last year and she was sweet to me. Even would say hello on the phone if I was talking to her dad. But about 6 months into the relationship his ex wife decided she wanted him back and pursued him heavily. She ended up blaming me for all their problems and for him not taking her back. They were married for ten years and she was cheating on him for a couple of those. I had never met him until after the divorce so I am in no way responsible for their problems. Anyways she started telling the daughter all kinds of things about our relationship; all things personal and intimate. The mother and daughter broke into his house one night and destroyed my stuff (we don't live together tho). Stole letters, broke frames, etc. She would make comments to the daughter that I was too young for him (32 and 22). The daughter started hating her father and began to throw fits about being with him. She had always been a great kid up until this and was a daddy's girl. Now it is a struggle for her to talk to him. When she is with him she constantly talks to her mother on her cell phone but won't answer his calls. He only gets her every other weekend. He pay child support and lots more. We both buy her a lot.
About 5 months ago, the ex wife has starting dating someone and the daughter met him within a month. (oh the mom's 32, boyfriend 23...funny huh?)They act like the perfect family. His daughter loves this guy. Which is great, we want her to be happy with them. But the ex says that we are pushing her into meeting me. We both want our relationship to grow but we are stuck at this point because I cannot be involved in that area of his life. More importantly his daughter is being put through a lot that she shouldn't.
Any ideas on how we should handle this? Everyone keeps telling us to make her be around me and other people but I dont want to push her farther away. HELP!
She is still a CHILD-
I struggled with my SS for about a year before he would warm up to me, now he LOVES me. BM would tell him awful things about me, and he was only 1 year old. He absorbed that information like a little sponge and would SCREAM if I came near him. DH would have talks with her about how she is only hurting her son by making him uncomfortable around me because I am not going anywhere and he needs to get used to it. Do you have any kind of support from BF? Has he talked to BM about this? This is a true form of what is known as Parental Alienation Syndrom, or as others on this site call it "Malicious Mother Syndrome". SD is still a child and while it may take some time for her to get over the fact that you are in her Daddy's life, she will come to terms with it. She needs to be taught to have opinions of her own. Someone needs to talk to this child about having thoughts and feelings of her own and NOT feeling as though she has to take on her mom's feelings toward you and BF-
Woman can be a cruel creature, especially when they feel as though they have been "wronged"- but woman are also VERY predictable when they are acting this way. I found that it got to a point that I could call BM's moves before she made them and started to take a PROactive angle at it... rather than REACTING to what she was telling SS, I would expect that she had bad mouthed me, and from the first second of our time together I would prove her words to be wrong. Give her space to spend time with BF- and slowly intigrate your presence as a matter of fact type of situation- Such as BF telling SD- SM is giong to meet us for lunch... and then DO IT. You sound as though you truly desire a relationship with your SD, you can make it happen. Kids are smart, and she too will grow tired of benig angry all of the time. Kids just want to be happy. Make her happy.
The sad thing
is the BM is "USING" her child.. Quite seriously all the BM who USE there children to get to the father, SM, GF whatever it should be a form of abuse. Why? Because it messes the children up physchologically. I probably did not spell that right.. But seriously its very sad for me who is a mother of two children and I am by far perfect but I am smart enough to put my kids first when it comes to there father and I. I would never not allow him his visitation because he is with someone else or because well just because. And it sad to see all these kids used in this manner. I am very sorry for your feelings on this. You know whats really sad. The stories or blogs I read here most of the fathers really love there children and want to be there, but BM's are crazy and will not let them. And then you have people on here who there kids get abandoned and the BM are not crazy at all.
I am not a crazy BIO.. I am what I call normal. And I was divorced at 23 and never put my kids thru this crap.
Who's fault is it that these woman have the children, it takes two people to make a child and more than an army to help raise them up correctly.
My heart goes out to you and your boyfriend. Hang in there and keep trying. He can get a lawyer to help if she is denying him visits. And also you should be there when she is there. Reality is you and him are together, in fantasy land he is still single. So you need to make reality hit hard and fast and then start letting your relationship grow again.
I have to say my sister who is almost 40 married a man younger then me and I am the baby of the family (5kids) and she says now there is noway she would ever marry a man younger again. He is immature.. She says.. I am 9 years younger then my hubby and it works great..
A little stalker for breaking into his home.. But my question did he know or have proof it was her and if he had proof why didn't he press charges?
happy
the sad thing
The sad thing about the whole break-in was the daughter lied for her mother about it. Here's what happened: My Bf, several friends and I went to a concert. There were five cars in the driveway. We came home late and found my overnight bag and its contents on the bed. Then the frames were broken with the pics missing. My makeup bag had been thrown on the floor and most of it broken (very expensive). Also she went through every drawer, closet, etc. She also broke into my car and went through everything. We called her and she denied it repeatedly. So my BF said he just wanted to make sure because he was calling the cops. So then she wakes the child up at 2:30 am and the child lies then says if we call the cops on her mom then we are calling them on her. The BM then brags that it was my future step daughter who broke my things. Very very sad. So we ended up not calling the cops because we were afraid his daughter would hate us and the BM would lose her job. She never apologized to me, her excuse was she just got upset. The funny thing is she doesn't deny it. even told the counselor about it like it was some small mistake.
They have been to several counselors and they all say the same thing. That the BM has got to stop her behavior or the SD is going to need intense therapy later. She just doesn't get it. She is the meanest and most evil person I have ever met but she has so many people fooled. We have tried everything. What's bad is now the BM is trying to make the daughter spend time but she wont listen. She is too far gone I think. My BF is one of the most caring men I've ever met and a great father. Do we just force her to and ignore the mom?
Absolutely!
IGNORE HER!!! That will truly get under her skin and when she gets worse... ignore her some more. She will see that her efforts are a waste and move on EVENTUALLY. Just a matter of how much you can handle. Trust me you will feel like exploding inside for a while, but then you will have the sweet satisfaction of knowing there is truly NOTHING BM can do if there is custody papers drawn. It is not her way or NO way... she does not have control of BF ANYMORE and that is final! you just have what she wants... that is not your problem.
Thank you
Thank you really! I have dealt with this for a little over six months and never really had anyone to talk to about it. No one understands. I am trying to ignore her though. I changed my number so she wouldn't have it anymore. I just wish there was some way for her to understand that the SD is reacting the way she thinks the BM wants her too.
Wouldn't it be nice if
Wouldn't it be nice if EVERYONE had the childs best interest in mind. Life would be so much easier.
I completely understand what you are going through, you are not alone. I honestly think ignoring BM and going about your lives WITH your SD included in all family functions- even if she says she doesn't want to join in...she should be there, things will be just fine. Children often feel like they are betraying a parent if they allow a step parent in. Allow her to talk about her mom if she wants to.. allow her to tell you about her week with her mom if she wants to. As hard as it will be, don't engage in neative conversations about BM in front of SD and only have positive reactions and comments to her stories. Correct her when she makes an untrue statement that was probably fed to her by her mother, but DO NOT insenuate that BM was LYING to her. Just simply tell her "That is not accurate SD, I am sorry for the misunderstanding". keep a positive environment to balance out the negative one she has to face when she goes to see her mother.
Good LUCK!!!
Mellissa
I agree with the ladies...
but I think with this, you need to follow our motto... document, document, document. You'll be ahead of the game if you keep diligent records about BM's antics. It's too bad that you didn't call the cops with the breakin because I think that would have been better in your favor in the long run. But from here on out, document, document, document. Get yourself really organized, and record everything that happens.
I also agree with ignoring her, that will make her fired up more, and it will get worse, but once you don't give her a reaction that she wants, she will move on. The other thing you should keep in mind is that you can't reason with unreasonable people, so try to disengage your emotions to her. Treat her as a business transaction.
With the SD, let her regain her relationship with her father, and slowly start to interact with her, but most of all, do try to form a bond with her by doing things of her interests or offering her things you have. Cooking, baking, drawing, do something with her. At first, it may be teeth clinching, but ultimately, if you focus on the child and ignore the BM, you'll be better off in the long run and the child will see through BM's antics.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Records are the best!
That is one thing we have started to do since the breakin. We also have her own words describing every situation because she told the counselor. The counselor has documented every incident from both mom and dad. What's funny is the both sides say the same thing but the BM doesn't realize she's setting herself up! But thanks to everyone again...this site has been a huge blessing!