Difficulty with change in how SD20 treats me....
A little background:
We are a blended family, DH and I have been married 11 years. We have his, hers and ours. Have always had a good relationship with both skids...both came to live with us for high school (from out of state, where they lived with mom, and visited us frequently during the school year and most of every summer). Of course we've had typical teenage stuff, nothing different than any other family, but got through it relatively unscathed.
SD20 and I have always been pretty close. We share a common strong faith, enjoy many of the same activities, and generally enjoy spending time together. She is in college and is following in my footsteps as a career choice. She has always come to me with questions, problems, girl drama advice, boy advice, etc. She has always counted on me to "keep it real" for her, as I am one to say how it is, even if you may not like my response. There are very few questions on where I stand with most issues, and I think all of our kids appreciate that...on some level.
Fast forward to present: SD has (apparently) been dating a man that was employed by her college team (she plays college volleyball). He was also a student at the time, seeking out another bachelors degree. He is 9+ years her senior, and has a questionable past. They were told by the college administrators and the coaching staff that staff dating players is not allowed. SD told us that they were just friends and not dating. She had never referred to him as her boyfriend, but we knew there was some interest. He graduated in May and moved away. She had mentioned him a couple times, then suddenly announced that she wanted to go visit him out west. We told her that we were uncomfortable with that situation, and would not fund the trip. DH spoke with her mom, to give her the heads up, and she said that they wouldn't be paying for any such travel either (they did, which is a whole different story!). We have a generally good working relationship with mom and SD.
A weeks before she is to go visit this man, we get a phone call from him. Assuming he was calling to ask if it was OK for her to come visit him, or for him to buy her a ticket, we decided to talk with him. Mind you, he has still never been referred to as her boyfriend, we had met him a couple times at volleyball things and once at a fundraiser event that SD brought him to. To our surprise, he was calling to ask our blessing as he wanted to "get engaged". After I picked my husband up off the floor, the conversation continued, ending with an obvious "no, you do not have our blessing or permission"....for a number of reasons, not the least of which is you are a sneaky liar and our fear is that you are trying to tie down yet another much younger girl (he ended up in our part of the country following an almost 18 year old, when he was 26).
So, it's been a pretty rough couple months. She went to visit him (on mom's dime), then flew to mom's for a visit. We have been in close contact with mom/sd throughout all of this, and the four of us are all on the same page. After her visit, mom calls and talks to DH. She shared much of their discussions, etc., but said that SD feels like I (SM) don't listen to her, which is what put me over the deep end, and why I am posting here.
Historically, I have been her "go to" person for everything she wants to discuss....all the hard stuff (friends, puberty, high school, boys, college, sex, drugs, rock 'n roll...you get it). She has told me time and again how she can't really discuss all this stuff with her mom, because "she doesn't listen and doesn't understand and doesn't like confrontation or serious discussions, blah, blah, blah. Her mom also doesn't share the same strong Christian faith, which has made it somewhat difficult for SD in the past, since choices she's made for herself (not drinking/smoking, not being sexually active,etc.) are a bit of a "whatever" for mom. Now suddenly, when I continue to listen, respond, challenge and support her as I always have, I hear from her mom that SD feels like she cant talk to me because I don't listen to her. I am so angry and hurt, and really am at a loss on how to deal with this. I think the issue is that she is feeling like mom/SD seem a little more accepting of this "boyfriend" (who apparently did NOT propose while she was there), and maybe she feels like she has an ally in them. She and my DH had a good long talk last week, but I haven't heard from her in a month, minus 2 brief texts. I don't want to compromise my own feelings (by being something I have never been with her - neutral), but I also don't want to compromise our future relationship by being overly harsh (which is how I feel now).
I love her to pieces, and this has been a difficult ride....any ideas on how to approach her (or her mom, boyfriend, etc.) on these issues, while maintaining what has historically been a solid relationship?
Thanks (and sorry for the looooong post, but I think background info helps when someone is seeking advice)-
nicksmom
I don't think approaching SD
I don't think approaching SD on THIS subject is a good idea and it will only serve to alienate her more. You've said your piece, she said her's so there's nothing you can do as she's an adult and has to make her own mistakes. It's all part of growing up.
Since you've had such a great relationship in the past I think you should contact her and maybe tell her you do miss her and ask her how she's doing, but avoid the boyfriend topic. If and when she wants to talk to you about him, she will. Just keep the lines of communication open. Don't go through bm or dad, just contact her like you normally would.
Well first of all
Well first of all congratulations on forging such a strong relationship with your SD. That is no mean feat. I suspect her feelings about you haven't actually changed and she still has a lot of respect for you, the relationship you describe doesnt disappear overnight. But it sounds like this is her first serious relationship, she is falling like a ton of bricks for this man, and she is struggling to accept any suggestion that she cannot or should not be with him. Don't take her 'SM doesn't listen to me' comment to heart, I doubt she really means it in a broad sense, right now she is a young girl in the grip of the crazy love hormones, she has probably never had such strong feelings in her life and she is really struggling with the fact that you do not approve. Her moms more permissive approach re pre marital sex etc is probably seeming a lot more appealing right now.
In this day and age I think you're very lucky to have had her behave with such honesty, openness and moral fibre up to this point and at the age of 20 you have to cut her a little slack. She is an adult, she is going to have to make her own mistakes and if you are too critical or overprotective you may end up alienating her and lose the ability to counsel and support her as you would wish. You will also drive her into his arms because there is nothing like the delusion that you are star crossed lovers and everyone else just doesn't understand to make the whole thing seem even more intense. It's clearly a worrying relationship, it sounds like all the parents and step parents agree on this, if I were you I would tell SD that it's her life, that you have some concerns about whether this man is right for her, but you trust her to make her own decisions and you are always there when she needs you. Then play a softly softly game, avoiding overt criticism of this man, and have faith that she is a smart, grounded girl who will eventually work out for herself that this is all wrong for her. And by all means let her Mum take up the baton and try to deal with the situation. I know it's hard to feel like her Mum is now the confidante when you have been the go to person, but cut yourself some slack, you've done a great job helping raise this girl and it's absolutely right that her mother help deal with some of the hard stuff as well.
i agree with bojangles and
i agree with bojangles and elliedeeee56 wholeheartedly. You have done an amazing amazing job. Everything about this current situation is telling you to Step Way Back and let go.
The foundation you have given her is now hers to maintain. If you over opinionate or over "step" - you really risk jeopardizing your big picture relationship with her.
Try to "play the video to the end", inotherwords,in your mind try to see how this will play out if you continue to do the best thing. You've made yourself clear, and now step back. She will continue on down this path with him. It will not end well and she will realize it for herself. She will get the experience of figuring it out and she will love and respect you even more and seek out your confidence in the future. I know you want to protect her from bad choices, but ultimately you cannot-- do more than you already have.
Its not easy to do nothing, i struggle with this constantly because i want to fix everything. I find the serenity prayer very helpful and since i believe you have a strong faith, maybe add this prayer into your repertoire:
God, Grant me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change, the Courage to Change the Things I Can, and the Wisdom to Know the Difference.
hugz
Thank you canadadry,
Thank you canadadry, elliedeee and bojangles. Your replies really caused me to take pause and play the "what if" scenes out. She is a smart girl, but has been lucky enough (IMO) to be pretty sheltered and is somewhat naïve. While I am somewhat hurt, I'm tough enough to deal with it. In addition to being hurt, I'm also a bit angry, in all honesty. She's pulled the "I don't need your permission or approval, I'm an adult, blah, blah, blah", which is really out of the ordinary for her. However, we are still paying her bills as she's in university...so it fried me a bit to hear that. I was inclined to hand her bills to her and ask for her phone that we pay for, since she "doesn't need us" for anything. Of course, I realize that I am just frustrated, but it's real emotion. Unfortunately, she has for many years mastered the art of telling people what she thinks they want to hear....not to lie intentionally (per se), but more as an effort, in her mind, to keep the peace. So, when in the course of 48 hours, she says everything from "I don't want a boyfriend" to "I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him", it's a little tough to tweeze out the truth....
But again, thank you for the reminders to say what I need to, keep the lines of communication open and not try to fix everything....
nicksmom
She sounds genuinely
She sounds genuinely confused, and as though she doesn't like confrontation and upsetting people. Let's hope that the 'I don't want a boyfriend' feeling wins out. Just to put things into context - my youngest SD began pulling the 'I should be able to do whatever I want' card from the age of 14, from which point she maintained a double life, being nice as pie at home, while getting up to all sorts of destructive behaviour when she was put of sight, including drinking, smoking, and underage sex. Teenagers frequently see little correlation between financial independence and actual independence and consider they have a right to make their own decisions a long time before they are able to fund them or deal with the consequences. I understand it riles you when your SD seems ungrateful, but this is not really about ingratitude, honestly she sounds like a good girl, and at the age of 20 I think she's right that her financial dependence while she is at university should not mean that she is dependent on your approval for decisions in her personal life.
Bojangles, I think you're
Bojangles,
I think you're right on many levels...she is confused, enamored, and does everthing to assure that nobody's feelings are hurt. But you are also correct that she's generally a good girl....who is finding her way, and may make some mistakes and bad choices. That in and of itself is ok....growing pains/learning experiences, which we really don't have a problem with, especially when the consequences aren't majorly significant. But to stop parenting, just because your child reaches a magic number, and stand by watching her potentially self-destruct or at the very least be manipulated by a man who seems less than trustworthy, seems equally problematic. And while I don't think think her financial support is a direct correlate to our approval on her decisions, I do think kids need to realize that nobody "owes" them anything, and that they need to keep in mind how much they really do need us, even when they think they have it all figured out and can do whatever they want without any repurcussions. That's not real life either, and for me to promote that, would mean me being completely untrue to myself and to not provide the "keep it real" input that my kids all depend on. I too, am hoping that 1.) it fizzles, or 2.) he turns out to be the greatest guy in the world.....time will tell.
Try not to take it
Try not to take it personally. It's not anything against you. My own BD did the exact same thing. And she treated me and the rest of the world like evil step moms when we told her she was nuts. She eventuallly took off the rose colored - i'll love him forever - glasses and it's all good again.
Thanks, all. While I know
Thanks, all. While I know that I shouldn't "take it personally", it's a fairly "personal attack" statement (I can't talk to her; she doesn't listen). I'm finding it difficult to find a balance between knowing what she needs to hear (that we trust her to make good decisions) and saying what I really think (that she's too immature to even consider making such important decisions). I cannot in good conscience tell her I think she's "got this", when it would be a lie, and since I expect honesty from her, I feel like I should continue to be honest. So, I decided that for now, I'd say nothing....and "step back". However, my dear husband informed me that she called yesterday to say she was coming home this weekend to visit....which, on one hand is good (I really do miss her), but I don't want to say things that will backfire, and really feel that discussing all of this would be better left to a time when I am less hurt/angry. Whoever said "I can't wait til my kids are 18 and on their own" was delusional. I think that's when the real hard work starts....
So, SD came home for the
So, SD came home for the weekend....ok, so not really....she showed up for 30 minutes, then left for a friends house. Then she met us at church this morning....well, not really...she showed up after service started and sat somewhere else. Went out to lunch with us, then left to run errands/meet a friend. Showed up for dinner, then left immediately thereafter. No opportunity for any worthwhile discussion...maybe that was a blessing. She did say during lunch (when her "aunt" was chatting with her), that there was really no need to talk about the boyfriend, as "it really isn't an issue" and it "stresses her out to even think about an engagement/marriage". However, a few hours later, she was talking about her "boyfriend" with Grampa, and texted or was on the phone with him most of the time she was here. So, all in all, we spend about 2 hours with her, which consisted of conversation of any substance. Mostly more double-talk and 1/2 truths...so disappointing. Wish I didn't care so much....
I'm sorry you weren't able to
I'm sorry you weren't able to really make contact with her in the way you wanted. Difficult or disruptive stepchildren can cause upset but I think the real killer is when you put a lot of effort and care and committment into your stepchildren, and develop good relationships, only for it to fall apart. I am training myself to care less, I hope it works out better for you.
Yep, I did day "I WISH I
Yep, I did day "I WISH I didn't care so much", but I DO! Logically, deciding not to care, makes sense. When it comes to matters of the heart, though, it is so much more difficult. Maybe if DH and I met when the kids were already older, it would be different. But I have been an integral part in raising her, which in turn, means I DO care. It would be easier if I didn't....for sure. I am less involved at the moment, partly by my choice, more by hers. It doesn't really seem to change the feelings of disappointment, failure, hurt or anger that I'm experiencing. I'm sure time will heal them all, but in the meantime, they exist. And so, onward I go....hoping that "this too shall pass". Thanks for the feedback, StepAside and all...
I'm going to consider it a
I'm going to consider it a blessing in disguise, or maybe divine intervention. I think, given my current emotional investment, nothing helpful was going to come out of my mouth. I'm hanging onto "this too shall pass"....maybe next time.