Need advice, and perspective
Hi there, I'm new to the forums and need some advice regarding my bf of 2 years and is 4 year old daughter.
We have been together for 2 years and are planning to move in together within the next few months. BM is in the picture, and bf and bm share custody. We will have sd 3 days a week approx.
Sd had a rough go when she was born due to extreme preemie status, however her assessments show now that she is fully recovered. Bf rarely disciplines Sd, encourages manners, boundaries, etc. When we are at my place, for example, I have to remind bf to set guidelines for sd or else she is all over the furniture with shoes on, eating food and wiping hands everywhere, etc.
All in all, bf treats sd like a toddler, and indulges her on almost everything. I know she still gets bottles at bm's house at night, and is overly coddled,and can do no wrong. She throws extreme melt downs at BMs house, and rarely so with bf and I....however bf rarely says no to sd. When I engage in convo with bf...sd won't stop trying to interrupt (daddy, daddy, daddy, come here now, look at this...). He'll often abandon our convo to engage her.
Whenever I mention something to bf about sd's behaviour, or adjust her behaviour directly ("I don't respond to whines, say please", etc) he either interrupts my dialogue with sd or gives an excuse for her behaviour (sd is just tired).
I started a dialogue with I'm today regarding boundaries for when we all live together. I said that manners and encouraging boundaries and positive discipline will be mandatory for me, and I need his support. He just looked at me blankly and said that we must just differ personality wise. I asked what that means, and he said he's just more laid back in life compared to me, and certain things that his dd does just doesn't bother him. He got pretty tense.
I felt slapped, discounted, evil-stepmothery and saddened. He continued to get defensive, and refused to address the original issues (boundaries, discipline) and instead made it about us and our personalities.
He took off with his dd shortly after and I'm at his house alone. I need some serious advice on how to handle this touchy subject, how to adjust my perspective and what I should be careful about in the future.
Thanks in advance.
Living with him will be a
Living with him will be a huge mistake.
He's fine with the way he parents his child. Trying to force him to change will just cause major problems.
^^^ Both above have good
^^^ Both above have good advice - he is happy, and doesn't care to change
Re: disneyfan "He's fine with
Re: disneyfan
"He's fine with the way he parents his child. Trying to force him to change will just cause major problems."
I don't interfere with his parenting at a rule. But now that we will be integrating households, I'm not sure if 'don't try and change him' is fair or an option. Care to elaborate?
Thanks for the swift
Thanks for the swift feedback, btw
Also, as far as by
Also, as far as by relationship with bf goes, was his response valid and justified? Insensitive? Likewise for me? I'm at a loss
Edit: for the record, I have a really good, nurturing relationship with SD. I'm not cold, give her her space with her daddy, and we like eachother. I've been in her life since she was a wee 2 year old.
My bf lives about an hour out
My bf lives about an hour out of town, but works near my place. He has lived with me in my place 3-5 days a week for roughly 1.5 years. His time with his daughter is at his place, either with or without me. So I'm not entirely ignorant to what it would be like to live together...:)
And the consensus thus far is wonderful. Minus the blip in communication regarding the integrated household.
You need advice on how to
You need advice on how to handle this, and adjust your perspective. ADJUST YOUR PERSPECTIVE. why, you are not expecting anything other than basic manners and respect for other people and their homes. This is the age kids need to learn this. If she has no respect for furniture at 3, she won't at 33. Your perspective is not the one that needs adjusting.
Unfortunately, as often happens, when a child is ill, especially if the child may not make it, the parents take the attitude to parenting that your bf and BM have taken, this child forever after is treated like fragile glass. Sure the child has recovered, caught up, and is now at normal 3 year old levels, but mum and dad have not recovered, may never recover. It may always be like this with this child. Even if you and bf go on to have children of your own, this one will to him, probably always be "more special" because he and BM are stuck back 3 years ago when she was born,
If, and that's a big if, you could get your boyfriend past the trauma he suffered when this child was born. What about BM. Unless she gets past it, any change your boyfriend may make in his parenting style with his daughter will be met with opposition from her. Then you have those two at loggerheads. The child will gravitate towards mummy, because mummy doesn't say no, or have any expectations of her.
When the child is with you and bf, if you think her behaviour is over the top now, just watch it when mummy stays the same and the child has continuity with mum, ie no discipline, and suddenly, daddy telling her to wait a minute. All hell will break loose. This child will resist this with all her might. Suddenly, you move in and her whole world is turned upside down and she has to say please and thank you. YOU ARE GOING TO BE BLAMED for the hell raising tantrums, not thanked for helping to raise this child to be a polite, self disciplined, little girl.
You cannot adjust your attitude unless you want to do the wrong thing with this child like bf and BM. This child has two adults destroying her now. Training her to be a spoilt, selfish, self centred brat with an overinflated sense of entitlement, the last thing she needs is a third.
If you continue in this relationship with BF. read the adult stepdaughter forums. See where your life is going with the mini wife, the over indulged daughter. See how it feels to be the third wheel in YOUR marriage, first place is and will continue to be the daughter, BM and her demands will be second, and you third.
No, your love is not bigger, better or stronger than anyone else's. Your relationship will not be different. Many of us here felt the man we married was our soul mate, theman of our dreams, we felt the excitement and the butterfly's, he made our hearts sing. But when they treat their daughters like your bf treats his, they can very easily break your heart. Your bf just stomped on yours, he just showed no regard or respect for your feelings, let alone your opinion, instead he stomped off leaving you alone. That is how it's going to be.
You are right. You need to remember that. You need to know as this child gets older she will become more demanding, more manipulative, you will grow very resentful. You need to remember its not her fault. BM and bf created this, she wasn't born this way. Bf cannot bkane BM. You cannot blame sd or BM. If your bf allows this behaviour in his/your home, then he is solely to blame. Don't make excuses for him. That will be your downfall ,
"...this child forever after
"...this child forever after is treated like fragile glass. Sure the child has recovered, caught up, and is now at normal 3 year old levels, but mum and dad have not recovered, may never recover."
This is EXACTLY right. My niece was premature (2 lbs, 6 oz) but is a very healthy 13 year old now - and her parents still baby her so bad, she won't even do her own homework, clean her room, etc, and still whines and throws a fit when she hears no. My niece's dad remarried after he and my sister divorced, and his 2nd marriage ended - almost entirely because of my niece's behavior.
It's what I thought, thanks
It's what I thought, thanks you two for the in depth mirroring of my situation.
For weeks, months even I've tried to talk about what my role will be with SD once we share a home. I asked him to take the lead, and perscribe the title/ role/ appropriate boundaries that I should take with sd. His go to is "I don't see it as a big deal, or a problem, lets just see how it goes".
Something always nagged at me and didn't feel right about the lack of communication. Now that I'm pushing for this communicating, I'm the bad guy who "is way more uptight than him who doesn't see a problem with anything". My heart is sad and heavy, I have even had tearful convos with him in the past about my fear of raising our own kids together,,,,,how I would inevitably feel #3 and that our kids wouldn't be as 'special'.
Your heart may be heavy but
Your heart may be heavy but you need to stay true to what is best for YOU
You are doing all the right
You are doing all the right things in wanting to provide boundaries and teach SD appropriate behaviours. She's at an age where they are easily taught if you and BF are a team. If not, it will be a nightmare, and not just in the next 6 months or 6 years, but FOREVER. My SKs came into my life at 8 and 10, and 8 years later, they are still catching up on things behaviours that they should have learnt when they were little (like no shoes on the couch and turning the light off when you leave a room, etc - little MASSIVELY IRRITATING things) and were only made aware of by me. As a result, they are difficult to live with as older teenagers. And these are nice kids - not vindictive or manipulative and no behavioural problems, but its still difficult. And yet hubby and I are a team. Always have been. If you don't have that backup, you'll never win because "you're not my mother".
You may need to make the decision now about how you want this to turn out. She's little, she won't be moving out any time soon. And if you want your own children later, are you going to be able to be a team with BF when your own little ones are climbing on the furniture?
When I got into this, I thought it would be hard work but it would be worth it. It has definitely been hard work (your work looks harder), and I was ok for a long time, but lately it's been a bit too much. Over time, I've taken on more hobbies, more work and as a result, all those little annoying things are magnified because I don't have the time or brain space to think about it, nor do I have the energy to keep an eye on all the things I can predict they'll do wrong (leave the heater on, not put food away, not throw wrappers away, etc). Hubby agrees with all the things they need to do, but as a non-multitasking guy, cannot stay on top of it or think of it all the time.
You cannot get through this being a one-man team. You may need to make some hard decisions - but also, if you and BF differ on such a fundamental expectation of how a person should be expected to behave (daughter or not), are you well suited to each other?
Sorta stepmom. I sincerely
Sorta stepmom. I sincerely hope you look at our advice, read a few more stories. Check out the adult step kids forum. Really give this a lot of thought. This step parenting gig is nigh impossible when both partners agree, when one can't be stuffed even talking about it, let alone do anything there will be a lot more heartache and fighting before you leave. Right now you are set up, you are in your own home. If you move into together it will be so much more difficult to get out. If you cannot resolve this before you live with him, you won't fix it after. In fact, now that you have raised the issue, moving in with him with nothing changed, is tantamount to telling him your fine with this. Please don't put yourself into hell, please.
Thanks guys....so glad I
Thanks guys....so glad I found this forum...and not feel like the asshole who should never have feelings because sd always comes first.
lets just see how it
lets just see how it goes
Winging it rarely works out. If he does not see a problem and you do, there is a problem and it won't fix itself.
Consider yourself lucky he's being honest with you. A lot of women are lied to and told what they want to hear ("I'll change"), only to find out different when it's too late.
I would not move in with him at this point.
I had BIG talks with him
I had BIG talks with him yesterday and today. A lot of his unwillingness to comprimise came from a defensiveness on his part, his words. Him thinking I was criticizing the actions he WASN'T taking with sd. We're both highly emotional and sensitive to boot.
I've been reading John Gottmans '4 horsemen of the relationship apocoypse'.....I recommend it to anyone that feels at a standstill with their SO. Let the healing/new journeys begin ....yikes!
And as for now....moving in
And as for now....moving in together is at a halt until we see eye to eye. Y'all have been great, and comforting. Cheers.
"let's just see how it
"let's just see how it goes"
Not a good approach for anything.
Job hunting - I'll just wait here and see how it goes, maybe someone will call me and offer me a job. No need to put out any real effort.
Fidelity - I'll just see how it goes. I probably won't want to cheat but you never know what opportunity might arise. Maybe I won't find anyone else who I find hot (ha ha ha).
Money - no need to plan a budget, I'll just buy what I need and WANT. It'll probably be okay. We'll just see how it goes for saving and staying out of debt.