Fair to SD/unfair to BS....Fair to BS/unfair to SD????????
Hello everyone,
this is my first post. I definitely need to vent, but at the same time, I am looking for a little insight here. And I definitely want to know if you think I need to change my view here. I believe some of you may have dealt with a similar issue. I have a way with rambling, I apologize.
I have been married for a few years now, I have 10 year old SD, and my own two sons, one will be 4, one is a newborn.
Basically, my SD is spoiled rotten. I don't have a problem with family showing lots of love. But I do have a problem with not being able to do for my sons, without the BM or her family, crying pity for the SD. I honestly believe in my heart that I am fair to all of the children.
The most recent example being my sons upcoming birthday. He loves a certain tv show there is a video game for. I acquired the (older) system for the game and was going to purchase the game this week. To me, its a $20 gift total. But, by chance, the step daughter asked for her own video game system last week and now the BM is painting me as a bad guy if I give it to my son for his B-day, because the SD will feel a certain way about it, claiming that I would do it for my son, but I wouldn't for her. A heated argument ensued, and I basically said her BM was ridiculous, and I said it's not my SD's birthday, and it's not Christmas. I said doesn't she have a birthday too????? It's my sons birthday! I cant give to him because I will look like a bad step dad??????? I think she' spoiled rotten and has to learn.
This has carried over from Christmas last year. I tried to get my SD a bike a few times from garage sales bc money was tight. I got one, even broke my cd player in my trunk to get it in, but the tires didn't inflate and I decided it wasn't worth investing in. But there was a cheap bike for a toddler I considered purchasing for my BS. Another argument! I cant buy her a bike, bc it would be unfair....even though to me, her bike would be substantially more expensive. But her DAD spends hundreds on her, each XMAS we come home from my familys house we pick up my SD at her BD's house and the car is literally stuffed with gifts for her, I argue, "you don't think he (BS) sees all this crap????? I cant spend a little extra on him, because it will look unfair to her, even though she gets from thee sets of grandparents and two dads????? Whereas my son doesn't get as much"
Meanwhile, her BD can buy her Nintendo wii's, a nice tablet, she had a laptop from him she destroyed, mp3 players.........but I cant buy my BS a freakin $30 bike??????
We had this fight talking about college savings.....I cant save for my sons, unless I save for her. I would never let her not go college, but her BD makes 3x as much as me a week....and because he's a dead beat pretty much, that makes me on the hook? I don't make a lot, I just wanted to save something, to ensure my kids have something. If her BD pays that's fine, if he buys her a car when shes 16, that's fine, but if not I am on the hook? you see what I mean? He can buy her whatever-nice big gifts, she can go out with him whenever she visits, but I cant take my son to baseball game for father son time, or I am Messed up.
I was one of 4 kids, so I understand it's not all fair all of the time. My wife a single child.
She gets to go to my MIL's beach house for a week, she gets to go out with her friend to movies a lot over summer, and does stuff with her dad. I want to be able to do things for my kids without feeling like Im being handcuffed or made to feel guilty....now I am so disgusted, I don't want to give my son the old Xbox for his game....I was excited to give it to him.....
I just feel like it's always ok for my SD to constantly be spoiled, but I am a bad SD for getting my son an xbox because she by chance asked for one last week? The same time my wife told her shed give her my old laptop for her personal use without asking me...after I said no ten year old needs a tablet and computer system, I am 31, I don't have both. I wanted it as abackup for my somputer being I am back in school.
I told you I ramble! I hope someone might be able to understand what I meant by all that, and see if I m just being stubborn....Its not just about the xbox, theres something deeper here....I never said I wouldn't buy her an xbox, my point just being, its not her bday, and its not xmas, but it is my BS 's birthday.
I look forward to hearing from you, thank you!
you know you make it sound so
you know you make it sound so easy....and that's cool, because I have a way making things so much harder than they have to be.....I appreciate it
Good point, and I believe a
Good point, and I believe a big reason why she is spoiled....because her family feels bad too I assume because her parents were divorced. I understand my wife's view of equality, at least coming from us two towards the kids. But at the same time, I don't think I should have regrets about a birthday present. Thanks!
Mom should be putting money
Mom should be putting money away for college as well.
Sounds like she needs to get a job (or two).
Simply because he won't! He
Simply because he won't! He doesn't have a long term view like that.....and I was trying to say to her was "I don't think I can save enough for all the kids.....so please talk to her BD"...... Didn't go over well.
Great comment.....i think you
Great comment.....i think you hit the nail on the head about how I've been feeling. Its not like I would ever not be there for SD, but days like today did kind of suck the energy out my soul......i feel better knowing you understand where I'm coming from-and that I shouldn't feel bad. It was really starting to get to me...thank you for your post!
That's a nice approach,
That's a nice approach, assertive....i will remember that. And I know that's why I get so mad, because its not like I waste money on my sons...i don't have it to waste. Instead of feeding a heated argument I will just firmly state my opinion and move on. That seems to be the responses, and its good to know I'm not being stubborn failing to see the "right" way to deal with this. Thank you.
I struggle with this same issue daily
I have been in my SS lives for going on 6 years married to DH 4yrs. And we still struggle with this on the daily not just with being fair on gifts but also rules reward and punishment. When I first moved in with DH my SS would get gifts from family and friends on my BD birthday and on each other’s birthday. But on my SS birthdays my daughter didn’t get gifts I just didn’t understand why they had to get something on someone else’s birthday? We worked through that and kids only got gifts on their birthday. I mean that makes sense right! But I had to explain that and not just to my DH but to his family and had to ask them to stop. I can’t do anything for my DD without getting this look vibe from DH that I’m being unfair. But if I do it for my SS and not for my daughter thats fine...??? I had 4 siblings and understand that things are not always 100 fair that when mom and dad don’t make huge$$ that you get what you need and if you don’t need it you don’t get it. DD has one pair of worn shoes SS have thousands of shoes. I should not have to buy them a pair of shoes just because my DD needs a pair. But this is a constant struggle and I contantly have to explain my actions on a daily. But my advice for you is Do what you feel is fair and right and you Can explain why you feel your being fair and then it’s up to your wife/partner to try to understand or they can choose to take offense. Best believe I bought my daughter her shoes and I did not buy my SS shoes they didn’t need. And when my SS needed bigger underwear I bought him that and didn’t buy underwear for every other child in my home that didn’t need it. Sometimes i get so sick of defending myself and my actions but i stick to my guns and at times i have to put my DD first because she doesn’t have another home where she gets extra things this is her only home and she will have what she needs here.