Anything Goes I Suppose
I have a grown SD aged 19 living with DH and I at home (for 9 months now).
The thing is, SD is unemployed so we're completely caring for her financially. She is now a full time college student and sorority girl. Instead of getting a job, paying her way and being responsible.....DH is content with letting her off the hook and leaving the house at all hours of the day and night to hang out with friends and party. She basically does whatever she wants, when she wants with total and complete free reign.
I'm having an extremely difficult time accepting the way DH parents SD, or shall I say, lack thereof parenting SD. He refuses to confront her with any issues or concerns and ignores my pleas to speak with her about things that I feel isn't my job to do so.
I'm becoming very unsettled and unhappy in my home....with a free spirited college aged SD and an uncaring DH. I can't count how many times I have told DH..."If she were my kid I wouldn't allow it" etc etc. I'm ready to pull my hair out!
You're right about her not
You're right about her not being my child....therefore I shouldn't care nor feel that I have to care about what she does. I was raised the complete opposite as SD19 has been raised and how her Bios are parenting. DH's approach morally and ethically drives me nuts. I don't think it's right and I see him setting her up for failure which bothers me.
Perhaps I wouldn't give a shit IF she wasn't doing this at our expense.
She's in our home because she had been living with a boyfriend (if that tells you anything) the relationship failed and she had to move out, she had nowhere else to go and DH wanted her to live with him.
And yes...on this matter he is indeed being an absolute ass about it and pretty much is attempting to dictate to me put up with it.
You're right and I did
You're right and I did consider the dorm idea as well. If she were in a dorm I know she wouldn't be driving all around town or really campus at all for that matter. It would also get her out of the house and make it more difficult for her to leach off of us.
She is on the school meal plan however, as she's a Freshmen and her school requires it for all Freshmen their first year. Since she's commuting and living at home and we always have a fully stocked pantry and warm meals on the table every night, she's misusing and taking advantage of the meal plan. She takes certain friends to restaurants on campus and buys their meals with money we spent for HER. Within the first 3 days of school, she had taken one person to eat sushi twice and another to McDonalds. Another little issue.
She did get a government grant, however it was just enough money to cover her courses. So, we ended up paying for the meal plan, parking permit, all her books, etc out of pocket. A dorm would have cost us an extra 3 grand or so. Otherwise we probably would have done it to avoid all the BS.
If your DH wants to parent
If your DH wants to parent her badly it is up to him. The problems arise when you suffer from it. If she treats you with respect and doesn't try to get between you and DH it should be OK. But if you are spending your personal money on her, separate accounts and let DH pay.
After reading the responses
After reading the responses to my two threads, it's clear that I need to learn to free myself of care, responsibility and worry over SD and how well she does in school or how exactly she turns out if and when she leaves school/the house. Especially for my own sanity.
I think the main problem is just watching DH be what I consider to be a crappy Father (after all this is the man I married and planned on having bio kids with one day), it angers me that he can so easily unattach himself and emotionally check out when I can't do so myself, I do feel a moral obligation to at least ensure SD is living fairly decently when she's living under my roof as that in my eyes, makes her partially my responsibility. Perhaps that's my problem, I know I'm too emotionally invested but it is very difficult to just sit back and watch a train wreck happening in my own house.
SD does treat me with respect most of the time, she'll occasional moments when she's a little pissy or hormonal but she does talk to and open up to me much more than DH.
Your last statement scared
Your last statement scared the living crap out of me.....I have thought about it, trust me.
I brought up birth control to SD19 once and her response was "I won't take it because I heard it makes you fat"
Since College started, even though SD is in a sorority, she's barely been hanging out with her Sisters believe it or not, she's been hanging out with the brothers who play basketball and football, she has this insatiable obsession with this particular group of guys for some reason.......way tooooo much!!
I'm hoping next year we can spring for a dorm and get her out!!
If SD wound up pregnant, my life would be over. I'd leave so fast it wouldn't be funny.