moved out
I have been lingering in the forums for a couple of months, now it is time for some advice. GF and I married 2 years ago after dating for 1 year, moved in together for 2 years now married. At the time, I had 2 kids primary (B 15, D 12) her (B 15, D 12, S 9). My son did't want to follow house rules so I sent him to his mom. If you can't be respectful to everyone in the house then you must go. He was almost 18. Everything was good for a little while. Her 2 youngest and I got along pretty good. Her oldest and I butted heads almost all the time. He was use to being the man in the house.
2 years ago I forced the issue with SS now 18. He must go. He was breaking into our bedroom (yes, had to put lock on door). House rule, home by 10 or stay were you are. The door gets locked at 10. He breaks in. We let him move into the shed (more like a studio)to give him some space. The day we got married, he breaks into the house. We kick him out for good this time. 3 months later he's back. one night her 2 nights there 3 night was it for me. No more. That was it.
SS9 now 14, from that moment on of kicking SS18 out has pushed every button I have. Total disrespect. He would even walk away from me as I was talking to him. He pushed so much one day that I lost my temper. I yell but I've never touched one of them out of anger, not even my own kids. I put him up against the wall with my hands on his throat. I left the house after that for a couple of hours to cool off. Mom and grandma decided to let SS14 live with her. The only problem that I had with that was the issues that got us there weren't getting resolved. It wasn't until recently all of the issues with SS14 were from (his words, "you turned mom against ----- and made her kick him out).
Moms wants SS14 home now. He's been gone 3 months at grandmas house. Her words "if you two can't live together, then you have to move out". I moved out 2 months ago. We are dating again. Problem still isn't resolved. The day after my daugter and I moved out, SS now 20 has moved back in, oh, and he knocked up his 16 year old girl friend.
The issue that I have is, I love my wife very much. The emotional roller coaster is killing me. I can't say anything even preserved as bad about her kids or she goes off and don't talk to me for a week. How do I deal with her kids but still have her?
One word "disengage". If my
One word "disengage". If my DH got into my kids faces about everything I would have the same issues as you do. My DH makes a point of letting me parent my own and he parents his. It's not perfect but it keeps the animosity and resentment at bay. When ss20 lived with us DH had problems with his own son b/c ss wanted to be da man and didn't want to follow DH's rules, but I had to stay out of the mix. A few times I tried to parent his boys and it just stirred the pot something awful and caused more anger and broken doors.
I wish that I found this site
I wish that I found this site along time ago. Things were good, not great, but they were better than now. She get mad because I don't want to go in the front door when I go visit her. I have a key to the back door. Now I get, you hate my kids and don't even want to see them. I tell her that isn't true but she wont listen to me. I can't deal with the rude disrespectful crap. I put up with it for 6 years. Her response is, I talked to them. How many times can you talk or ground before something else has to be done.
If your DS-18 got booted for
If your DS-18 got booted for disrespect and SS-18 got booted for being a criminal I am not sure what your DW's issue is with how you parent. SS-14 being a smart ass to the point that he moves out was DW's choice not yours. It sounds to me that the issue is DW's parenting. Or more accurately lack of parenting.
Your DW has chosen. So move on. If you go back you go back with no testicles because she has figuratively neutered you and if you go back you go back on her terms rather than as an equity partner in your marriage.
Were I you and decided I wanted to go back to the extremely unbalanced immasculated position in that marriage I would insist on getting my testicles back. That would require that SS-18 move out immediately not to return. Your son was kicked out for far less than SS-18 was kicked out for.
My wife and I had a few disagreements about discipline of my SS. She did not like how I disciplined. When SS was 15 it came to a head. I gave her a choice. If she did not like how I disciplined then she could step up and get it done before I had to. She did and our marrital tension never again has reached those levels.
If you go back your DW needs the same message. She steps up and disciplines SS-14 before you have to or she bites her tongue and has our back. The same applies to you disciplining your DD.
Even in a marriage that began two weeks before SS-21 turned 2yo these issues can occur. The good news is that kids grow up and leave and you and DW can move your lives together past the kids and focus on you. But you can not do that successfully if there is residual bitterness over the kids.
I have two questions. 1. Why did you move out instead of telling DW that she made her choice and she and her spawn can leave and not let the doorknob knock them in the asses on the way out the door? 2. Can you stay in this marriage considering that your DW has chosen to prioritize her deviant 18yo and snarky 14yo over your marriage?
1. Is must my curiosity. 2. Is the core issue IMHO.
Good luck.
I am not suggesting or
I am not suggesting or condoning that the 14yo go anywhere. The 18yo needs to go.
As for the 14yo and his behavior. This is earily similar to an incident that occurred when my SS was 15. He was getting lippy with his mom and I stepped in. He turned to walk away from me and when I placed my hand on his shoulder to stop him he spun and took a swing at me. He ended up against the wall with my hands bunching his winter coat tightly across his chest with my fist under his chin and his feet about foot off of the ground. he ended up out the front door with no coat, one shoe in to a raging blizzard when he cooled off while his mom and I discussed the situation. We let a rather blue and shivering young man back in about 15-20 mins later. We discussed it, worked it out and never had another physical incident again. That was the only one we ever had.
Had we been nearer to any family he likely would have been away for a while too.
I re-read my post and can't see where I indicated that the 14yo should go. If that was the impression I gave that is not what I intended.
There are 3 reasons why I
There are 3 reasons why I left 1, I didn't want happen what had already happened again. 2, my sanity 3, I thought it was for the best. highn site is 20/20. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't leave. The other issue is the house belongs to her. I sold my house just before we met. There were a lot of factors in SS attitude, father saying don't listen to him, age, watching what older brother was doing, and a passive mother who thinks talking solves everything. I also didn't know about this site. there are a lot of helpful topics here that would have helped me long ago.
My brain is telling me one thing and my heart another.
ss14 and I had a good
ss14 and I had a good relationship before the mess with his brother. I don't want him to leave his mother.I would like to have a better relationship with him. (SS20)I will not continue to support someone who doesn't have the will to do for them self. He has worn out his welcome with all the friends he was mooching off of and the only place left to go was mommy. He wants to play games all night and sleep all day. No work, no school, go find some place to go. My son was doing the same thing. BS finished school at 17.
There are locks on all the
There are locks on all the bedroom doors because of SS20. He will steal anything. The one day I didn't lock my door, I walked in with him going through my pants packets. He is a liar and a thief. Following in his fathers foot steps (jail till may). No I didn't just through my son away, he went to live with his mother, also his choice. I am not a physical person. I don't like what happened with SS14. It seemed more like a dream when it was happening. But I am accountable for my actions. I accept that. If I decide to go back, things will change.