moved out
I have been lingering in the forums for a couple of months, now it is time for some advice. GF and I married 2 years ago after dating for 1 year, moved in together for 2 years now married. At the time, I had 2 kids primary (B 15, D 12) her (B 15, D 12, S 9). My son did't want to follow house rules so I sent him to his mom. If you can't be respectful to everyone in the house then you must go. He was almost 18. Everything was good for a little while. Her 2 youngest and I got along pretty good. Her oldest and I butted heads almost all the time. He was use to being the man in the house.
2 years ago I forced the issue with SS now 18. He must go. He was breaking into our bedroom (yes, had to put lock on door). House rule, home by 10 or stay were you are. The door gets locked at 10. He breaks in. We let him move into the shed (more like a studio)to give him some space. The day we got married, he breaks into the house. We kick him out for good this time. 3 months later he's back. one night her 2 nights there 3 night was it for me. No more. That was it.
SS9 now 14, from that moment on of kicking SS18 out has pushed every button I have. Total disrespect. He would even walk away from me as I was talking to him. He pushed so much one day that I lost my temper. I yell but I've never touched one of them out of anger, not even my own kids. I put him up against the wall with my hands on his throat. I left the house after that for a couple of hours to cool off. Mom and grandma decided to let SS14 live with her. The only problem that I had with that was the issues that got us there weren't getting resolved. It wasn't until recently all of the issues with SS14 were from (his words, "you turned mom against ----- and made her kick him out).
Moms wants SS14 home now. He's been gone 3 months at grandmas house. Her words "if you two can't live together, then you have to move out". I moved out 2 months ago. We are dating again. Problem still isn't resolved. The day after my daugter and I moved out, SS now 20 has moved back in, oh, and he knocked up his 16 year old girl friend.
The issue that I have is, I love my wife very much. The emotional roller coaster is killing me. I can't say anything even preserved as bad about her kids or she goes off and don't talk to me for a week. How do I deal with her kids but still have her?
I am so sorry, but honestly,
I am so sorry, but honestly, there is nothing you can do. Your wife has to want the same things as you do, she has to be the one to control her children. It was up to her to stand up for you when the youngest accussed you of turning her against the oldest, she needed to put him up against the wall and tell him the reason the oldest was out the house was because of his own behaviour. Your wife has let the team down and unless YOUR WIFE CHANGES, yes, your wife, not th4e kids, nothing is ever going to change here. If you want a relationship with her, then you have to stop focussing on how bad the kids are, and start looking at how differently she parents and can you live with that.
Like a lot of people here the behaviour of the kids is so bad, you have lost focus on WHY the kids behave like they do. Mum lets them.
I forgot to mention a very
I forgot to mention a very important fact here. There is now a grandchild involved. If you don't think your wife's son is going to hold that child over her head, think again.
Do you think your wife is going to throw her son and her grandchild out, she's not.
If you move back in be prepared to live with the wife, the eldest son, the girlfriend, the baby and the youngest son. The eldest son will be calling the shots, because he has the nuclear weapon, the grandchild. The youngest child, well he's already won, you've moved out, he's not going to accept you and your rules back in again in a hurry.
You can do nothing here, your wife holds the key to making a success or a failure of this marriage. So far, she's opted for failure. With a grandchild on the way, I don't see things changing much in her eyes.
I have no intentions of going
I have no intentions of going back the way things are now. I have 10 months on my lease to try and get things better. I hope they do. I know for my emotional state it was a good idea to move. My bio was ok with the move also. She does week on week off so she only had to deal with it part time but she's happy about the move. My SD is going to stay the night tomorrow here with bio. Lets see how that goes. SD is a normal 17 year old girl, has her quirks. She is a good kid.
Time to have SS-20 thrown in
Time to have SS-20 thrown in prison as a statutory rapist. That would solve your problem with that POS and have the added bonus of protecting his child baby mama from any more of his attention and get him out of your grandskids life hopefully prior to birth. No child should be saddled with a perv as a parent.
If my own FIL would have done the same we would not have had to deal with the SpermClan for the past 20 years. My DW was 16 when SS-21 was born and the SpermIdiot was 23.
You have options that would make things easier on you to get your family back but IMHO getting rid of SS-20 is the primary issue that you have to deal with. His lack of character and penchant for sexual relationships with children has given you the perfect way to get rid of him for good. If he is convicted of statutory rape and put on the sexual preditor lists then he can't be near children ever again.
The behaviors of your BioSon when he was 18, SS-20 and SS-14 indicate that there are some serious parenting deficites in your family. I am not sure what those are but they most certainly will be very difficult for you and your DW to fix and may very well pollute your marriage for the duration. The two that are now adults I would allow to deal with their own issues. SS-14 will need to be parented effectively at least for another few years.
I have to tell you that I am not sure I would have the energy or will to deal with this trainwreck for the rest of my life. Your DW's boys will likely always be a burden to your marriage.
All IMHO of course.
Good luck.
I am sorry to hear this
I am sorry to hear this story. I am glad you held your ground as you should otherwise the kids will not learn to be adults. Your wife is enabling the kids. Have you thought about marriage counseling, it may help to find a solution? It makes me sad that you moved out yet you were the one being rational.
I do hope things improve for you!
I can relate to you. My
I can relate to you. My husband is the enabler to his 28 (yes I said 28 yo son.) I have been married to my hubby for 4 1/2 years and in that time SS28 has been to jail 3 times (non payment of Child Support, Reckless driving and Possession of Marijuana and paraphanelia) and my husband still continues to give him money. He already had a DUI when I met my husband so that makes 4 times all together. I am still living in the home but I have my own separate bank account. I REFUSE to continue to financially support a chronologically grown man that still wants to make piss poor decisions and expect his Daddy to rescue him. I am not a doormat nor an ATM. Also my SS28 has a 4 year old by his ex GF that left his tail for his dope smoking, drinking and partying with his friends and refusal to get a job and work (which is what led to him going to jail for non payment of CS) we have a GREAT relationship with our Grandbaby Mama (as we call her) she is a really good girl works full time and is going to nursing school so we help out any way we can with our grandson (whom I love dearly.) Keep your head up, you are doing the right (although difficult) thing!!!!