Sending an email to SD's teacher- suggestions, please!
I am looking for suggestions regarding sending an email to SD's kindergarten teacher. I did not attend Meet the Teacher night because BM was there and she has a history of drug use/mental issues and threats of violence against me.
Anyway, parent/teacher conferences are coming up and I want DH to have a separate conference from BM so that 1. I can attend (we have SD all week for school and BM only has her on weekends) and 2. I'll be honest- I don't want them playing family.
DH doesn't do the email thing, so I was thinking about sending an email to the teacher requesting separate conferences. Do you think this is out of line? DH is fine with me doing it, I just don't want the teacher to interpret it the wrong way.
Do you have any suggestions on wording? I don't want to come off as an evil stepmother trying to push BM out of the picture, but the fact of the matter is BM rarely sees SD and I am a much bigger part of her life than BM is (yes, I know SD loves BM more- that's not what I am getting at here).
I know emails can often be interpreted incorrectly since there is no face to face interaction so I don't want to give the wrong impression! Please help!
You have no legal rights.
You have no legal rights. The school should not even consider granting a separate conference based on you asking, they shouldn't be talking about skid's education with you.
Please, I know you mean well, but the sooner you embrace the truth the better. We're expected to do for these kids but we have NO rights to them, they are not our kids, we get no say.
If your DH isn't willing to request a separate conference, then there isn't going to be one. I think maybe if you email the teacher and say, "My DH would like to request a separate conference if that is possible" that might be ok, but include HIS phone number for her to contact him. AND don't send that without him telling you it's ok to do so before you send it.
ETA
And leave BM out of it entirely. The school is aware the parents are not together, you don't need to explain how awful BM is or explain anything. If you start out trying to explain to them how bad she is, it will just make you look bad. They aren't stupid, they can see through crap, they likely already know she's a loser.
This. I was able to email the
This. I was able to email the teacher about things on the SCHOOL WEBSITE until recently when BM had a melt down and told the school there was custody issues and only to communicate with mom and dad. They said I could email on dad's behalf but it had to be a shared account with his name as primary or his account.
Maybe see if DH will let you email on his account something along the lines of -
Teacher,
I am requesting that myself and BM have separate parent teacher conferences. I am sure you would like to speak with both of us however I find it in the best interest of SD if we could meet separately. Please let me know of how we would need to go about doing this and the conference times you would be available to meet with me.
Sincerely,
DH"
Ugh!! I can totally see BM
Ugh!! I can totally see BM doing something like that if she found out I was emailing the teacher.
I love the email suggestion, thank you for that!!
kathc - Yeah, I totally
kathc -
Yeah, I totally understand what you're saying. I just don't think it's appropriate for them to be attending conferences together when they aren't together. I know it's for the child, but BM is a total nutcase who has done nothing but try to ruin my marriage for the past 4 YEARS. Yes, 4 years. She has not stopped. I don't want DH sitting there with her.
Not only that, but she never even sees SD. I know she's legally her mother, but she sure as hell doesn't act like it. She doesn't even have a school calendar yet and it's November. All she has to do is go to the school's website but she's too damn stupid and lazy. She asked DH for a copy of the calendar today smh.
DH doesn't care if I email the teacher or what I do, really. He's very go with the flow type. Whatever I want to do, he is fine with (within reason, obviously).
Hmm. Maybe I will say DH is requesting the separate conference. That may be a good idea.
^^ That's what I would
If you email, I agree - Don't do the 'BM is a psycho' thing. DH and I never had to even mention it - The school has a copy of the custody order, and the judge was extremely honest when he wrote it up, and it states that sole custody is awarded to DH because of BM's questionable mental state...
I am just on an opposing path
I am just on an opposing path today lol! Yes you have no rights, but if the sk is with you during the week and you are involved its ok for you to go to a conference IMO. I go. In fact the teachers, principals, and PTA all call me first (my sks live with me and DH- BM lives in another state and its nuts).
When it comes to requesting though- I completely agree with Kathc that you Husband needs to be the one asking- not you. There is nothing wrong with having separate conferences, in fact some teachers prefer it in split homes. But the request is not your place. And definitely dont talk about BM in an email. Dh should simply schedule his own meeting (for you and him) and not include the ex. Let her schedule her own. Dh could send an email to teacher simply saying Sks Mother and I do separate conferences. Dont make it into a big deal, teachers so so used to it.
Thank you guys! It's just
Thank you guys! It's just easier for me to send any emails because DH works in the field all day (heating and air conditioning) and I have a desk job (accounting). But I can always send an email from DH's account or just add his name to it. I won't say anything about BM. Hopefully the school knows we have SD all week because BM is on drugs and has mental issues.
I would like to go to the conference with DH. That's one of the reasons I want a separate conference. SD is with us all week and BM has nothing to do with her school life. I am the one who helps with homework, projects, etc. BM does nothing.
Thanks again for the suggestions!
I don't think it's
I don't think it's passive/aggressive.. He hasn't really ever had to email anyone lol.. He works in heating and air conditioning.. He's driving or doing physical labor all day.. I honestly don't even think he knows how to send an email.
I could always just send an email and put his name on it I guess.
Are there any teachers out there? I would like to know what your take on this is?
our school district actually
our school district actually has a Professional learning day for conferences, where there is no class for the whole day. I think it helps the teachers a lot
Yeah, SD has off for a whole
Yeah, SD has off for a whole week for conferences so I feel like the teacher has plenty of time. I'm not saying their time is not valuable, but I do believe she has time for 2 short conferences. It's kindergarten- it's not like there's a whole lot to say anyway.
Oh I understand they have
Oh I understand they have lives, but the conferences (at least at SD's school) are scheduled during the school day so I don't see why there is not time.. The teacher is being paid to be there. It's not like they are scheduled at night or on the weekends. The kids have off school for an entire week for conferences.
In my state it is illegal for
In my state it is illegal for the school to talk to anyone but the legal parents about the child. If you emailed the teacher in my state she could be charged with a crime if she responded or acknowledged you in any way.
Hmm. I am not sure what the
Hmm. I am not sure what the laws are in my state, but I guess I can agree with that. If another woman were emailing my kid's teacher, I would probably have an issue with it as well. But that is because I would be an involved parent. BM is another story smh
Honestly, as a teacher, I
Honestly, as a teacher, I want to speak to the people who are involved in the student's education. I have been in those awkward meetings where you can cut the tension with a knife, and the focus is more about the parents than the kids. This is counter productive. I've had separate meetings because of divorced situations. I don't mind it. The focus is on the student and not the conflict of the parents.
As a step parent, though, I would not take it upon myself to email. DH and I discuss things and I have typed what he asked (I type 90 wpm--he can't type with squat.) It takes me less time to do so, so I don't mind. However, I type exactly what he says. I would not send an email without him saying what needed to be said.
Thanks for the response! I
Thanks for the response! I was curious what a teacher thought about this. I mean I'm sure the teacher wants to talk to SD's mother, but she is in no way involved in SD's education. As I said, I am the one who does homework and projects with her and she is with DH and I almost all the time (when I said BM has her on weekends, I forgot to mention that only happens when she feels like it which is rare).
I'm not going to say all these things about BM to the teacher because it will only make me look bad, but I do hope that she sees it for herself.
I am thinking I will probably send an email "from DH." DH normally wants me to handle things like this so it puts me in a tough position because I am not in any way going behind his back, but if the email comes from me, it may look that way.
I've read other comments. I
I've read other comments. I realize that you are involved in your step child's education. My experiences are quite like yours. School projects don't get done unless DH and I make sure they get done. BM has not helped in any way, shape, or form. She talks a good talk, but when it comes to work, nothing gets done.
I'd keep the focus on SD. I know that DH does that (since I am now banned from conferences for 'conspiring' with the teachers--whatever that means), and he does not mention BM or what happens or doesn't happen at her house. The school knows to call DH, as he is the one that follows through and has dealt with any issues that have come up. BM is simply not willing or available to do it.
As far as some of the other issues that have been brought up, we are informed that we are to meet the families where they are. Unless there's something in writing in the system for the school that information cannot be discussed with X, then we can discuss the information and it's not against the rules. I would be sure that it's not against DH's court order. That's something BM could use against him.
Thank you! I definitely am
Thank you! I definitely am not going to mention anything about BM. I know that will make me look bad, and I will probably already have to overcome to evil stepmother assumption lol
As far as the CO, they haven't had an updated one since SD was 1 year old so it doesn't say anything about school or anything like that. They were supposed to have a mediation for a new order a few weeks ago but BM never showed up to court smh
I'm a teacher and I agree
I'm a teacher and I agree with Echo.
Why can't husband send a note with SD or just call the school?
When I meet divorce parents together, I do not think HAPPY FAMILY. :?
I think you are right that I
I think you are right that I do kind of enable DH to not parent SD. Maybe it's some kind of woman's instinct to want to take care of everything? I don't know.
Regarding DH, I am not sure if it is laziness or what it is.. If you are familiar with the Type A and Type B personality "theories," I am a Type A and he is a Type B. Maybe that gives a better picture. I am very straight-forward and want to handle things and have them done correctly, and he is very go with the flow and see what happens (TOTAL AND COMPLETE OPPOSITES).
We clash a lot, but normally he just says we will do whatever I think is best. He doesn't want to call, email, confront, or talk to anyone about anything (that's the Type B in him).
I will try to step back a little though and let him do his job!
That's true, it is his
That's true, it is his responsibility.. I will talk to him later and see what he wants to do.
I feel like that's what I would want if I were a teacher.. I mean BM is a total nutcase who is not involved in SD's education whatsoever.. Of course, teacher will still want to talk to her because she's the "mother".. but I would think she would also want to talk to the one who SD is with every day after school, who helps with homework, etc.
Step parents get as much
Step parents get as much "rights," as their spouse gives them. I say email the teacher if you really want to and toss in the bottom, "I understand with a demanding work schedule and limited time to meet student's parents on an individual basis if you are unable to meet us individually I apologize in advance if it gets slightly uncomfortable. With our interesting family dynamics we continue to work them out with out involving 'the kid." Sign both your names, and give both phone numbers so the teacher can make the choice. Don't be bummed if you get nothing.
Hey, they CAN'T play family with you there. As far as everyone saying you have no "rights," well you have all the "rights," to not allow your husband to play family without you there. This is your husband and ANY situation that puts his position as your husband in jeopardy IS your right!
Against the law to discuss a student's performance with anyone besides the parents it the kid of stuff that I'm sure drives teachers NUTS, as anyone who is generally interested in helping any child seems like it should be the teachers discretion to disclose anything they think could be helpful. Parents need to back off and let the teachers make some decisions. These "kids," end up in the work place at 20 with their parents calling their bosses on their behalf because they think they "still know what's best." Give me a break.
Do what you think is right Step mom. Let the message come from your husband and let the teacher decide. GOOD FOR YOU FOR CARING ENOUGH.
Thank you all for the advice!
Thank you all for the advice! DH wasn't even going to tell BM about conferences, so I am kind of doing her a favor if you can see it that way. If it wasn't for me requesting separate conferences, she would have no conference at all (obviously, she is SD's mother and is free to call the school anytime she feels like it, but she won't- she is lazy and uninvolved). DH and I would have went and BM would have known nothing about it. That's what DH wanted to do.
Also, our situation is a little different than the one a few of you described- DH and BM were never married or even close. SD was an oopsie. So for them to go to a conference together is just weird. Like I said, DH didn't even want to involve BM at all. Maybe I should have just left it at that.
Anyway, what I ended up doing (with DH's agreement) is sent an email to the teacher (from DH) just stating that in light of the upcoming conferences, we think it would be in everyone's best interest to have separate conferences, if possible.
The teacher's response:
"Good Morning,
I will be sending home a letter that allows families to give three choices for a conference time (waiting for them from the office). I do have limited time. I will do my best to schedule 2 conferences for your family. Would you be able to share the conference information with her mom when it comes home ? I could put two copies of the conference information in her folder, I'm assuming her Mom would not see it until Friday of that given week. SD is doing well, it is obvious that she gets a lot of support from home."
The fact that you say BM
The fact that you say BM likely wouldn't have known about it at all, and probably wouldn't have been there in the first place, really makes me think that you're doing this more for you than you are for anyone else...to give the perception that YOU are part of the big happy family and YOU are the primary female in your stepchild's life. If she wouldn't have known about it what is the issue? Go to the conference and let BM act like a crazy if she wants to...if she finds out about it and shows up. That's not on anybody but her.
I AM the primary female in
I AM the primary female in SD's life. It's not a perception; it's reality.
Didn't read the other
Didn't read the other replies. But it s up to DAD to request separate conferences. If he's too much of a weenie to do it? You lose. Sorry. Not nice, not fair, but your dude is a weenie.
Yeah, you're right, he is!!
Yeah, you're right, he is!!
If it wasn't for me, NOTHING would ever get done!
Honestly I would make him
Honestly I would make him step up some. It is not your responsibility not your kid! I'm not trying to be rude but you are honestly doing to much. Trust me I handle most things in my home even regarding SS and it can get stressful. My DH would/will help when I ask but even when he's home he has so many projects I wouldn't ask him to do much except maybe make a lunch every once in a while which now we pretty much split 60%(him) 40% me doing it.
I am fortunate to have a break when DH leaves but I used to notice myself still being way to stressed about stuff. BM blocked 95% of my interaction with the school as she felt I was over-stepping even when I was simply asking questions that ANYONE can see on the school website and honestly as much as it pisses me off it is probably one of the better things that could have happened. I always thought I should handle it for DH and I will still give him reminders but he primarily handles anything to do with SS - school, clothes, lunches, evening clean/up baths, clothes put up (I will help sometimes) and it is awesome.
I would advise you to at least make DH somewhat more responsible as you will feel burnt out at some point - you may not now but most likely it'll start to happen as SD grows up, and does see BM more, or gets more resentful that she doesn't see BM because though it may not be your fault you are the easiest target, and when you get to that point you don't want DH to look at you like your nuts for not taking care of everything like you did before.
That is a really good point,
That is a really good point, thank you! I do feel very tired when SD leaves on the weekends. We used to do 50/50 week on/week off but since SD started kindergarten and BM lives 2 hours away (with her mother), that wasn't working so now DH has her all week and BM gets her (when she feels like it) on weekends.
In reality, BM has only seen SD 1 weekend in the past 2 months. She can take her every weekend if she chooses to, but apparently she has better things to do (like using drugs, being committed to mental institutions, and committing felonies). She also has 2 other kids by 2 other men and is the same way with them. The other kids' grandparents take care of them because they don't have involved fathers like my DH.
I fear that when SD gets older, she will turn to BM and may even turn out to be like BM. All the women in BM's family are the same way- uneducated, unemployed, on drugs, multiple kids by multiple different men- you get the picture. I am trying to be involved in SD's life so she hopefully won't go down that path, but I guess there is only so much I can do.
In no way am I trying to tell
In no way am I trying to tell you to stop being involved - I mean I deal with a situation with my SS where BM has him while DH is gone, and then we have him 15/21 DH is home per CO and normally get him more because BM wants to go out mind u most weekends DH is gone BM has him spending the night other houses so she can go out so it's not like she only gets a break when DH is home. BM has a 3rd grade education and lives off the gov't, her mom is a POS and her eldest son well I don't even want to go into what SS is probably seeing from him and so at my house we do have to provide positive environment and I am involved just because I let DH handle most things now doesn't mean I won't occasionally read a book, or take SS to do something just him and I, or stuff like that I am just taking less responsibility.
Your DH needs to be the main one taking responsibility and dealing with stuff you can still be involved just not the main one doing it. I was a SM before DH with my ex though we never got married we were together for 4 almost 5 years and even then I got burnt out and he looked at me like I was nuts when I stopped handling stuff. I thought it would be different with DH and again I started to feel burnt out and DH will notice it and actually try to tell me step back because he can tell when I get stressed I am lucky to have a DH the way I do. However just like with BM's you give DH a inch he will expect that inch forever.
Maybe go through a list of all of the main responsibilities and talk to your DH about you wanting him to handle some of them as you don't mind an will help out if he is to busy however you have started to think about the future and fear the repercussions and stress and don't want to be resentful so you are trying to prevent it now.
So why is it MOM's fault? You
So why is it MOM's fault? You married a weenie Daddy. It's HIS fault. Stop blaming Mom.
How am I blaming BM? .. The
How am I blaming BM? .. The only thing I am blaming her for is not being involved in her child's life, which is a fact. I'm not blaming anything DH does or doesn't do on her.
If your husband wants a
If your husband wants a seperate conference HE needs to email the teacher. In almost 9 years of being with my husband I have never attended 1 single conference. I have been with the kids since they were 5 & 7 and they were at our house every day after school doing their homework which I often helped with. To me my husband attending a conference with BM is not happy family time, but parents parenting their children. As long as they can behave themselves together in the same room I really feel that is how it should be done.
I have been to ball games, meet the teacher, carnivals ect... to support the kids because I am part of their family. I don't need to assert myself by having to go to conferences, my husband can share with me what was discussed so I can support them at home.
I mean I definitely see both
I mean I definitely see both sides of the issue. If I were a BM, I would NOT want another woman going to my child's school conference. But I am not a BM (yet), I am a SM and I would like to be involved in SD's education. I can see why BM would not want me there, but on that same topic, BM does not have anything to do with SD's education either (she has only seen SD 2 days in the past 2 months), so I think it's good for SD to have me involved in her life.
But like I said, I can definitely see both sides!