How have others handled this situation??
Oldest girl turns 16 on Monday, her mother gets visitation of her after school until Tuesday morning driving her back to school. We were planning on having the girl's party tonight because she would be with her mom on her actual birthday, but we canceled her party.
My husband's grandmother just passed away last night, mostlikely her funeral will be on Monday.
I don't know about all of your backgrounds on here, I'm new to the site, but around here everyone is Catholic and our visitations and funerals are very ceremonial and take hours for all the people to pass through and pay respects. So we were thinking the visiation would be Monday night 4-8pm and funeral Tuesday morning 9-11am.
My husband sent his exwife an email this morning stating that she had passed away and was giving a heads up that the funeral will probably be on Monday or Tuesday, and he asked that if it is on Monday he would like to keep all the kids and take them to the funeral that day, instead of their mother picking them up. Basically, he asked her to forfeit her visitation time so the kids could go to their great grandmothers funeral.
His ex sent a very nasty email back saying that my husband "will do anything to take away time" and that if he really wants the kids there he needs to give her "all the details of the arrangements" and she will "be there with the kids" because it is her time with them and she will not give it up.
He does not want her there, I do not want her there, my mother in law and her family do not want the kid's mother there.
So, my husband wants to send an email back to his ex stating this, but is not sure how to approach it.
Especially since he was just giving her a heads up that it MOSTLIKELY would be during her time, and that he would LIKE for the kids to go with him to the funeral.
FYI his grandfather, husband of the grandmother that just passed, he passed away two Christmases ago and she didn't even acknowledge that event happening at all. My husbands ex did not come to his funeral, (and last year on the anniversary of his death the kids were with her and they wanted to go to his grave and she wouldn't bring them.)
So this feels like she is just causing problems because she can, and because also my husband and her are going back to court very soon.
Anyone else have an experience like this and can give so advice???
I'd tell her that you were
I'd tell her that you were just asking, if she would out of respect for the kids relationship with the great grandmother, & his family - allow them to come to the funeral. He would prefer she did not come. If that was the only way the kids will get to go, he will explain to them why they missed great-grandmothers funeral.
They are old enough to understand that kinda stuff.
But just IMHO. My SD is only 6, so I don't know much.
Be blunt: "You were not
Be blunt:
"You were not invited and are not welcome. I apologize if I did not make that clear enough in the first email. Your refusal to be understanding and effectively coparent during a time of a family death has been documented. I will be sure to inform the girls that they will be unable to attend their grandmothers funeral as you are refusing to facilitate their ability to attend."
Wowwwww yes
Wowwwww yes
^^^^^ Yes!! Send this!!
^^^^^ Yes!! Send this!!
Oh Moses - That is GOOD
Oh Moses - That is GOOD STUFF!
If your SK's BM does not want
If your SK's BM does not want to let them pay their last respects on her time, and nobody wants BM there, I would tell her never mind and the kids just won't get to go. Hopefully, she won't just show up anyway (like my SD's mother would).
just.his.wife's example letter is perfect.
I would send the above email
I would send the above email about her not being welcome, but I also like the exchange conversation. We usually will do an exchange of time.
BM came to DH's grandfathers funeral. It was a disaster. Really upset Grandma and everyone else. (she actually physically attached my MIL and DH's grandmother in the past.)
I suggest doing your best to make sure she is not welcome and doesnt have the information.
Or you could have her come &
Or you could have her come & if MIL doesn't like her, let MIL have her escorted out }:)
My Ex mother in law passed,
My Ex mother in law passed, when my daughter was with me. I was in this family for 13 years. I love this women. But my ex and his wife didn't want me there. So, my daughter and i went out and picked out a lovely black dress for her. (She was 12 at the time). I took her to my ex house, gave her a big kiss. Told her not to be to sad and asked her to say good by for me. She is now 24 and still tells me thanks for not making it hard on her. So my advice, if you can stomach it, and she's not violent. Let her come. You will be the bigger person and your kids will know it.
^^ I see this side of it too.
I may be misunderstanding
I may be misunderstanding this. But it looks like you get the kids back on Tuesday. If I read that correctly. Have visitation Tuesday night and the funeral Wednesday. Explain to the family what the problem is. I'm sure they will co operate with your dh in this if it means the kids can be there. Or bite the bullet give her the arrangements and allow her to bring them.
We found out the visitation
We found out the visitation will be sunday, the funeral monday afternoon, direct conflict with their mothers time.
This is what my husband
This is what my husband sent:
"The funeral is set to be Monday afternoon 2:30pm. The kids will not be in school Monday. With your permission I would like to keep BLANK Monday evening so she can be with all of the family coming in. If you still wish to pick up BLANK for her birthday, we can work out a suitable location for you to pick her up at 3:30pm, when she normally would have been getting out of school. As per court order, BLANK and BLANK have changed their minds due to the funeral situation and have chosen to not accompany their sister to your home for her birthday. Please let me know as soon as you have decided as there are many other things going on which need my attention."
We took a closer look at the court order and remembered that the other two kids can CHOOSE whether they want to go with the kid having a birthday to the other parent's house,... their mother nor my husband ever needed to use it, all three kids always went before, but maybe this will help his ex see the light of day. That the 16 year old birthday girl really doesn't want to go and neither do her younger siblings!