SS coming back...
So, I'm sure many of you remember me posting about the BM and school drama.
DH is has been gone and is actually returning home this evening which excites me but scares me.
I followed the advice on here and did not take SS lunch and kind of used the 3 weeks to more or less focus on myself and do things for me. Well, last week on Tuesday SS tried to pull a stunt with BM's mom where she took him directly to the nurse saying he was sick, and didn't want to go to class because he had been bullied. Well after 2 hours the nurse sent him to class where his teacher said he was fine. I guess SS kept saying he needed to go back to the nurse which his teacher refused until she got time to go talk to the nurse at lunch as she said SS was acting like his normal self. Well apparently the nurse didn't say anything to serious as SS finished out the school day something I doubt him or BM, or grandma though would happen. I say this because DH put a stop to BM being able to just call the doctor for a note so she could keep him home. Also, he is not a kid to be picked on her is way to "tattle telly" that it seemed odd all of a sudden this kid that gets along with most is claiming thing the same day he said he was sick but acting himself.
Anyways, fast forward to Thursday DH got a email from the teacher that on Wed, and Thursday SS had been crying when dropped off at school and even like once throughout the day and she didn't know if DH knew anything she didn't about what may be going on at BM's house. Well with DH being concerned he said that he called and talked to SS and had a normal conversation and then brought up the teacher said he was crying and asked what was wrong and SS responded "SBM told me she is happy when I'm sad" um excuse me? I haven't seen the kid in two weeks and I would never ever say that or be happy that kid is sad as if the kid is upset our household as a whole is off balance. I am not a mean person and would never say that. Well, DH called and confronted me in which I said I didn't say it and DH told me he didn't think I would especially with all that I do for both of them but he felt like he needed to at least make sure in case I said it out of anger or something. Well, DH got onto him for trying to throw me under the bus for something I would never say, and that was just so freaking random as like I said I had not seen him in two weeks. I am thinking something with BM was making him cry but he obviously isn't going to make her feel bad when there is a easier target.
So, here we are DH comes home tonight and will pick up SS tomorrow after school. I'm sure that BM has been coddling SS about saying that I lied to DH and she knows we are lying being because unlike DH she is someone who put full stock into anything SS says, and especially if it makes me look bad will eat it all up.
I am still so mad that he did this - I understand he is young and this is his way of getting attention with BM but it was so random and the last few days he was here was stressful but mainly just because DH was leaving SS and I got along pretty much fine. I am just so worried about how he is going to act and if he isn't going to be distant as BM has coddled him to think I am a even worse problem or if he will act like nothing happened and everything should be okay.
DH knows I am upset and knows I can't just brush it off I refuse to at this point. I have been throw under the bus enough and he has lied about me every time which DH has got onto him for, but they were times that I gave him a mean look, or something like that he just exaggerated....but this out of left field there was no reason for me to even be on this kid's brain.
I guess I just want to know if anyone has any advice on how I should take my approach I don't want to chew him out as well as it has been a week and it's not right to punish way after the fact or for me to really punish at all in my opinion I try to let DH handle all of it. I just know I can't be the person that he knows right now because I feel so stabbed.
It is possible that BM tossed
It is possible that BM tossed you under that bus. The latest incident started with the weird 'kid sick/ kid being bullied' (why was Grandma running around in the school and taking kid down to school nurse?) and continued on into next day with crying kid which is not the norm for the little boy.
I wonder if BM said something to upset the child when she didn't get her way of taking the 'sick' kid out of school? If DH recently did something to stop BM from just letting the kid stay home (the phoned in dr excuse thing), odds are good it's you that BM will blame for that. According to some BMs Dad's have no thoughts in their own head, everything they say and do are because evil ol' SM feed him the idea and/or made him do the evil deed that pisses BM off. (yeah, sily, but SM is the easy target to blame for everything when Dad puts a boundary in place and/or enforces his rights or heaven forbid, expresses an opinion).
Could be BM told kid 'SM doesn't care when you're sick/sad, it makes her happy' or some other such nonsense that a young child interpreted into 'Sm likes it when I'm sad'.
You've had a good relationship with the child and this is a first. I think I would sit down and discuss with kiddo what happened this week. Why did he feel sick, why did he feel someone was bullying him blah blah. Very slowly lead into 'you told Daddy it makes me happy when you're sick/sad' and go on with how you don't understand why/how SS would feel that way. That he's important to you, you would care very much if he's sick/sad.
See where the conversation goes. Let the kid open up and see if you can't figure out the 'why'. I'm not saying kiddo might not have deliberately tossed you right under, but under the weird week and the fact DH managed to end BM's sick day stunts, I think it's worth a shot to give the kid a chance to talk this over. If BM actually tried to dampen relationship between SS/you , I'm sure BM would be thrilled to death if she thought she managed to build some resentment in you towards SS. Hey, a total win on BM's side.
Did you tell the child you would not be coming to school for lunch previous to not coming? If not, or even if so, the kid could be confused over that and your sudden stoppage too. Yes, some kids are loyal to BM and make up crap about their SMs, but the way I'm reading the week with the nurse ect, I think it's possible SS may have got a dose of 'evil SM' from his mother/grandmother. I'd want to be sure what happened because if kid really did pitch you under on his own it really could put a strain in your household. If the kid was 'set-up' you can work to correct the false BS
First let me say BM's mom was
First let me say BM's mom was handling it because BM said that she didn't feel good that morning so her mom offered to take SS and her eldest son to school as they all live together.
I honestly don't think BM would have thrown me under the bus in the doctor situation. If anyone she would have thrown DH under the bus I mean this something I have had no control over. Also, I've shown not only BM but SS that I do care when he is sick in fact last time he was sick I was the one taking care of him part of the time as DH had engagement he couldn't get out of and BM wanted to go out... Plus SS and I had talked about being sad before DH left and he was sad the weekend before and we had made a pact to be sad together the night before DH left and everything was dandy. So, I'm not sure where it came from to be honest. I do think BM is the reason he was crying and maybe he just tried to think of something to say so he didn't hurt his mom's feelings that she was the reason he was upset. Again I had not spoke to or seen the kid in 2 weeks. The other reason I don't think she really told him any of that is because DH said he was talking about other things feeling SS out on his mood and he was fine and happy and playing and then all of a sudden he threw me under so it just seemed way to random.
SS and I the majority of the time have a decent relationship. He has previously thrown me under the bus and completely lied, the most recent was about a week before DH left and he was on the phone with BM and he lied to her about something and I kind of gave him a side eye and he started crying and told BM that I gave him mean looks and I scared him - mind you 10 mins before that DH was making dinner and SS had asked to snuggle up with me on the couch to watch Smokey and the Bandit - another reason I think part of it is really just him using it to get attention. But other than maybe a handful of incidents SS and I get along, he will ask if I can take him to the park etc and we can play while DH is busy I mean it just when he does it so random.
A little background on the attention thing - I don't know how it went this past 3 weeks but before that I could count 9 weeks - 6 of which he was with BM that she didn't keep him the whole weekend he was either with us or spending the night with someone. And had made comments he didn't like that BM wouldn't play with him, I mean the kid did his sight words by himself she even told DH that she though they had lost the notecards and she walked in the house from smoking and SS was doing them himself...she seems to not care to give him attention unless it is from something he makes up or is bad. I mean I know she doesn't like me and I know some things come from BM but I in my heart don't believe it is all her.
Both DH and I spoke to him regarding the lunch we told him that my work schedule was going to be very busy and I did not think I was going to be able to work from home (I work 75miles away - so have to work from home to take him lunch) so therefore we doubted I would be able to bring him lunch. This conversation was had when I first told DH I wanted a break from it and also the night before DH left. I wouldn't just not take it to him because then I'm sure he would feel like I was turning away from him - mind you this situation has come up before where I didn't take him lunch for the same reason when I was legit really busy sot hat is why we used this excuse...and I have worked from home but where we live BM would have to take a extreme detour for SS to know I was home during the day.
As for the strain on the house hold it has previously but I think DH kind of sees some of the stuff going on as SS has flat out told him that BM needs to take my place (about a year ago) and so he is pretty good about not letting SS throw me under or disrespect my position in this house.
I think I will bring it up. I just I know that DH has chewed his but for it so I didn't want to dwell. I just I don't I guess I feel nervous bringing it up because I don't know what to expect.
Confront him diplomatically
Confront him diplomatically so he knows that you know. Do not yell, be honest that it hurt you.
Beyond that, limit your exposure to this child so you can not be accused of this again. When SD accused me of things like this, I disengaged....Helped tremendously.
I am not someone who yells. I
I am not someone who yells. I don't even yell at DH when I think he deserves as to me that is not the proper way to act. I guess I just am scared of what is going to come up as who knows how coddled he has been in the past week - because we won't get him until tomorrow afternoon.
I have disengaged to a certain point, but for me he truly seems to be a decent kid and care about me 80% of the time so I feel myself going through cycles of disengagement which DH respects when I say I need to step back. The thing though is I don't really try to put myself in line of fire to be able to have accusations but as posted above I gave him a look for crying not realizing it as DH pointed out my look after and he turned that into me being mean and scaring him.