I had a similar experience with my first husband. Got married young (18), had my first kid at just turned 21; he bolted before I had my first child. Some well intentioned but misguided older people in the church said "just take him back, cook nice meals for him, etc. etc." You know the type, older couples who never even said the word "damn" in front of each other and believe that love conquers all.

Well I took him back and ended up pregnant; although I'm still looking for the 3 wise men. He didn't like sex, didn't want children and was robotic like but extremely intelligent. He never helped with anything, bolted again when my daughter was 8 months old, tried to and was successful at dodging CS, made it an art form in the 80's. Didn't come around to see his daughter until she was school aged. By then, my daughter didn't know who this "stranger" was. His family was telling him to enforce his visitation, which he did with the police. I did not PAS out my daughter and she eventually became accustomed to seeing him, but still, all the while he dodged CS, taking her maybe one or two days a month, if that.

He was a professional student the whole time my daughter was growing up. When she turned 21, he suddenly felt the need to put his PHD to work. That didn't last because he has an aversion to work. He's now widowed from his 2nd wife who was in the process of divorcing him but died in a rather freak accident and lives in a one room apt. on disability. His 2nd wife left all her assets to my daughter in her will.

But in my case I don't feel sorry for him. I felt slightly sorry for my 2nd husband, my son's dad who was a chronic alky, physically abusive to me and in some cases my daughter and ended up in subsidized housing, eventually drinking himself to death at a relatively young age.

People make their own choices and must abide by them. I'm sure a string of bad decisions led your ex to where he is now. Don't beat yourself up!

I know a bit of what you're feeling...the disappointment and sadness that some one you loved could have failed so miserably when once you were convinced they had potential to live a good and honorable life. It's a huge slap in the face to think you tied your life to someone who has proved them self unworthy. I've struggled with a lot of self doubt because of this and in trying to move forward I'm trying to look at it as a learning experience that will benefit me rather than proof that I'm a stupid idiot for ever loving and trusting this man.

I also try not to dwell on my feelings of pity for my ex simply because there is nothing I can do to help him anymore, he's made his choices and threw his family to the way side without a second thought. I know he regrets this now (or at least he pretends to regret it when he thinks it will benefit him) but I don't think he has the strength of character to make it better or learn from his experience. He's the type of person who presents as having a high opinion of himself but in fact he has always gone through the most convoluted logic to blame even his smallest mistakes on someone else. I think that ultimately stems from low self esteem which doesn't give me any hope that he'll improve in the future.

In terms of healing for myself and my son it helps me to concentrate on those issues (healthy self esteem and the positive aspects of taking responsibility so you can make things better) with my own son in the hopes he'll end up with enough strength of character to avoid going down the same path.

I wish you all the best, hon. Try to make the present as good as you can for yourself and your child and hope for the best; I think that's all we can do.

Your human and you did have a long relationship with him when you were younger which obviously meant that at one point you did love him and the most important is you have a child with him, this is why it bothers you. On top of it, you most likely have a big heart to even care at all.

Personally I would leave it alone or if you show any form of wanting to help him it will do two things, it may cause him to want visitation which I am sure you don't want considering his past and how he is today. It will also enable him to know that if things get tough its ok because someone will bail me out type of thing.

I am sure its hard on you because you wonder what you would say to your child but cross that bridge when you get to it. Its ok to feel the way you do, like I said, your human. You have a heart. I am sorry that you had to go through this.

Also I am sure you wonder about those other kids because they are technically your childs half siblings.