This is my first time posting, and I don't even know if I am in the right forum, but I have got to vent before I EXPLODE! I don't know where to begin and I'm sure once this all starts coming out, it will just begin to flow and I won't be able to stop it! I hope that I can get my story across, so that if there is anyone out there going through a similar situation, you can offer me some advice, or even just assure me that I am not the only one, nor am I CRAZY...bc that is how I am starting to feel. So let's get to it. I have a 12 going on 13 Stepdaugher. My husband and I have only been married for 2 years and were together for quite some time before that. We were very careful with bringing our lives together and even bringing his daughter into our life together, bc in my opinion, and as a step daughter myself, I knew this was a fragile time for her. We dated for a year before even easing into her and I meeting. We were very careful not to force a relationship between her and I, when he had her it was there time, I NEVER stayed the night there when he had her. All that just for a little background and pre-story. I was not rushed into her life, we took it slow, and we all eased into things. Because of my husbands unconditional love for his daughter, and my unconditional love for him, I immediately took to her and loved her as if she was my own. We tried to do everything right and when the time came and we made the decision to move forward with our relationship we had all of the open talks with her, explaining that I was not taking her mothers place, and never could or would. Her father had talks with her alone, I had talks with her alone, and we all had talks together as a family. I explained to her that I had been in her very position and situation and if she ever wanted to come to me with any questions or concerns that I would be there. We had a great relationship, and I would like to think that we still do, I care for her deeply but her behavior has changed so fast and I dont know where things went south but I am at my wits end with her behavior and where I fit in. I feel like I CAN'T parent her. I am her "friend" and dad is in control when she is at our house. The child is out of control and I Am at my wits end. It is causing problems in my marriage and I don't know what to do. I have tried talking to husband but he ALWAYS finds an excuse for her or defends her bc "she went through a lot with the divorce"... Let me just give you some examples of the behavior I am speaking of... She only comes to our house when she is pissed at her Mom or Grandmother for not getting her way... when she is supposed to be at her mom's house.. she dumps her at her grandmothers and she stays there full time, while her mom "stays with a friend." She has no rules there so there for when she comes to our house she has no rules. Her mother made the decision after the divorce to homeschool the child against my husbands consent... he did not know until after it was already said and done. When he found out he confronted his ex and asked who would be monitoring her online homeschooling and who was going to see that she did it and her response was that "she has no other choice, she has to" ... well that was BS. When she was at our house my husband would "go to war" to get her out of bed, I would take off work, and I would stay home and over see her schooling. She was so far behind from not doing it when she wasnt with us that no matter what we did we could not catch her up. Eventually she quit coming to see us at all bc she hated that we tried to enforce rules. This child, at her age, did noting at all for herself. It was like nothing I had ever seen. When the next school year rolled around my husband went to enroll her back in school, after his ex agreed, and to his surprise, the ex had already enrolled her in a different online homeschooling program. His ex quit answering the phone, his daughter quit contacting him, and he could get a hold of no one. He would drive to the house and they would never be home. He would get a text every once in a while from his daughter asking for money or when she wanted or needed something. I watched as my husband mourned for his daughter. It was like someone had passed away. We tracked her online schooling to find out she did the program for all of 3 weeks before completely quitting. NO ONE, Not her Mother, Not her Grandmother, was making this child do her school. If she didnt want to, then she just didnt do it. Months later, here we are today.. she calls every so often and wants to come and stay. Of course my husband will not tell her no. He wants to see his daughter. She will show up unannounced, and stay for as long as she likes. I dont know if it is out of the fear that he knows he will call her mother to come get her, or that she will leave and he wont see her again for gosh knows how long, but he WILL NOT PARENT her while she is here. She will stay for weeks on end and do absolutely nothing, and if I approach the subject, I AM THE BAD GUY... She stays up all night on the internet... I am talking 5pm to 7am talking to her boyfriend, who her mom and grandparents let STAY THE NIGHT WITH HER WHEN SHE IS WITH THEM. She sleeps all day, does not go to school, does nothing for herself, talks to me like I am trash and whines to her father when I am not at her every beck and call. She has no chores, no rules, and does nothing for herself. I have found empty packs of cigarettes in her room, and my husband will not say anything to her. Its like he doesnt care as long as she is here. It's like he will not parent her out of guilt. It drives me insane. She talks to him like he is trash, she throws tantrums like a 3 yr old if she doesnt get exactly what she wants when she wants it. I literally find myself hiding in my bedroom all evening bc I can't take it anymore. She has complete run of what I thought was MY house when she is here. She will wake him up at midnight if she decides she wants icecream and he will get out of bed and take her, even though we live 25 mins from town. If we are in the living room in the evenings watching a movie, she will come out of her room, decide she doesnt want to watch it, and turn the tv off or change it, and walk away... and he will say nothing. We have tried to think of a ton of different activities for us to do as a family or even for just the two of them to do together, and she wants nothing to do with that. She blares her music all hours of the night, walks around the house on her cell at 3am, is in and out of the kitchen (right by our bedroom) all hours of the night. I havent slept in over a week. I am losing it. I cook dinner every single night and if it is something she doesnt want or feel like having... she will play him and whine and he will take her to town and get her fast food, while myself and his plate waits at the dinner table. IF she does decide that she will eat what we are having, I am expected to fix her plate, cut her meat, and do everything but physically feed her. If I dont, then she will whine to him until he does. Anytime him and I do get a few seconds of alone time, in our bedroom at night, after laying down for bed, she will come in and plop down between us, bc she is "bored" and wants to "hang out", until literally I am on the couch. It is not as if I take time away from the 2 of them... I purposely give them father/daughter time and exclude myself at some points bc I know how important it is for the 2 of them to have a relationship. We tried family time but it literally got to the point where I can hardly stand to be around her. I dont want to feel this way. But there needs to be some serious PARENTING going on.. and it WILL NOT happen. I keep the house clean and after fighting the laundry battle have agreed that I will wash, fold, and put away her clothes.. all that I asked she do is pick them up out of the filth in her room (which he wont make her clean) and put them in a laundry basket. She refuses to do this one simple task and when she has nothing to wear she will cry to her father that I wont wash her clothes and all she has to wear is dirty clothes, until the point that I again, am the bad guy. She steals from me, she steals from him, she steals things from our home...and he does nothing. She has been caught stealing from others as well, and he always defends her even when she is in the wrong. I can't tell you the number of lies I have caught her in and her dad has caught her in...and he does nothing. She manipulates and plays him like a fiddle. She once snuck out of the house in the middle of the night...he caught her...and there was no punishment. I CAN NOT TAKE it anymore. It is killing my marriage every single time she comes. My husband and I have talked about it and discussed it, and everytime she leaves we will talk about it, agree to be on the same page, parent, and back one another, and stay as a united front.. our lives will go back to normal.. and then bam, she shows up unexpected and that all goes out to the waste. Its like he is so scared she will leave again that everything him and I discuss is out the window. I have no problem with being on the backburner while she is here so they can have their time, but I can not handle this. Once, I simply asked if she would pick her dish up out of the living room and put it in the dishwasher and she threw it across the room into the sink, and told me to wash it myself... i told her she may talk to other adults that way but that she would not disrespect me that way...my husbands words "she is just not used to rules bc she doesn't have them when she is not here". She brings friends over whenever she feels like it without asking, wants to be taken here and there, and threatens to just have her mom come get her and take her if my husband doesnt, so of course he always does. I don't even know if I can get my point across with this post at how terrible it has become for me. And as long as she is here my husband is happy and does not care... he just makes up excuses for her. I am just lost at this point... I love her, and I want better and more for her, and that is not going to happen without parenting. And when she does have her few nice moments, I love spending time with her and want her around... but I can only take so much before I am at my wits end again. Please help!!!!!!!!!!