I just got a job in my career field. I have really worked all of my working age life except for the last 4 years. I had worked in a factory full time before my first career job, which I ended up spending 7 years in. Anyways had decided to go back to college and that lead me to the career that I am now starting next week. Before I got this job offer I was an at home mom/student for 4 years. I was able to spend all sorts of time with my little girls, so I thought. I do have a point for writing about this but before I go on I want you all to know that I am excited about this job.

My issue: I have found myself depressed on the inside, I havent really told anyone this since I got the job offer. On the outside I am very happy, on the inside though, I am so torn up about one thing. I figure maybe sharing this will help others to not do what I did. I let my SD rent so much space in my head and take up so much of my time for the last 4 years. The 4 years I was or should have been only focusing on my daughters. If you dont know what my SD did to DH and I and our girls for these 4 years please refer to my bookmarks and read. I just dont feel to rehash it over agian. My point is that I am now not going to EVER have that time back for my daughters. Its over now. Yes I can make good use of my weekends and my evenings with them but its a whole different ball game when you work full time then it is when you are an at home mom. My job was to take care of them and instead I focused my energy on trying to save a little spoiled brat who didnt give a rats ass what her father and I sacrificed. My heart is broken, I will not let myself dwell on it forever, I will make use of my time away from work and give as much of it to my girls as I can BUT I would die to have those 4 years back to truly give them a happy, healthier mom then what they had. I am lucky, they still love me, they still think I am the greatest mom in the world but I what I feel on the inside now is different.
Please, if you have bios and you have toxic skids or family in your life right now, do not let those toxic people take you away from being who you want to be to your bios. Don't make the same mistake I did. It will only lead you to regretting things. I am going through a bit of depression but after these four years I know it will pass in about a week so for now I will just continue to stay up at night (can't sleep) and watch my daughters sleep, shed my tears and move on with life. My girls are my world and I will NEVER let anyone take that from me again.

I have learned so much in therapy and have come so far to the point where I have learned to set boundaries. For example, my oldest SD graduates college on my daughters birthday, I told her I will be there to watch her get her diploma but I will be having a party for her at a later date. I will not partake in the after celebration because I will not tolorate being around SD19 or DH's side of the family (DH feels the same way) or her BM who talks nice to our faces and then talks shit behind our backs. I am done with toxic people. I said it nice to her so she wouldnt think anything bad of it, just told her why dont you celebrate with your mom and everyone that night and then DH will have something for her later in the summer when she graduates academy. She was fine with this.

I went off topic in that last paragraph (needed to get that off my chest I guess) but my point is what I said, remember who is truly important and focus more of your attention on those people. Toxic people do not deserve a space in your life. I dont like the way I feel inside, my friends probably wonder why I am not answering the phone or talking to them, its just because I am so hurt deep down. I need to pull myself out of this depression because I have 6 days to enjoy every minute at home with my girls and then its time to work till retirement. Again though, very happy I got this job, great hours to work around the girls schooling when they are both in school (going to be hard letting go of my 3 year old for daycare during the day but we will survive lol), great benefits, right here in town, get my own office for the first time in my life!, and the pay could be a tad better but its not horrible and has plenty of room for growth and higher pay at this company. Will be working with people that have all types of disabilities.

I just wish I would not have taken those 4 years away from my daughers and myself. They didnt deserve to be put on the back burner for someone who didnt give a rats ass about DH, myself or our daughters. All I can do from this is learn and make every moment I can count for my kids. Since I have disengaged totally, in the last month my girls have said to me how fun I am and how much they love me and my 8 year old has really started talking about the hurt she experienced through out our dealings with SD19. My heart breaks that I was so blind about it and just kept giving my all to SD19. I guess I took for granted my at home mom status and thought I have time to make up to them. I was wrong but it doesnt mean I cant keep moving forward and putting it behind me.

Thank you for listening and I hope this helped some of you. I mainly wanted to write this because well I am down right now but also I dont want someone else to go through this. If you are, do what it takes to get yourself away from the toxcity. I know its not easy, I still everyday have that fear of her calling us or stopping by. Some of you have to live with your toxic person. All I am saying is do what it takes to focus on the ones that matter.