"You chose this" - your response to articulate that you didn't really choose it?
I was talking to a friend the other day about some of the work that I do to help SO with his daughter now that we live together. I offer SD9 breakfast in the morning while SO is busy getting ready (I work from home so I'm in no rush in the morning), I sometimes pack her lunch, I watch her if she doesn't have school for the day, I make her dinner, I've helped her with homework before when SO has gotten impatient, I've been teaching her how to wash her hair... Anything that I do for her, is a gift to SO, to make his life better (since he does work to make my life better, too).
While the stuff I do is a gift to SO and I love him dearly, sometimes dealing with SD can be a hassle and it's a pain in the butt to teach a kid who's way behind how to do stuff like pour her own glass of milk (especially when SO is still inclined to do it for her, since it's "easier"). I can't remember what exactly we were talking about, but in the course of the conversation, I said something like, "I didn't choose to have kids!" Meaning, of course, that 10 years ago, I did not decide to take on the work load of bringing a child into the world and teaching her how to do everything. Ten years ago, I didn't make the decision to sacrifice my time and energy to make sure a child was cared for and raised right. I didn't put an entire human being on the planet. (And yes, of course, I could stop doing anything for this kid--that's not the point.)
Anyway, my friend said, "But you DID choose to have a kid," since I decided to date and move in with SO. Words failed me... I've heard that before (and know a lot of you have, too). And yes, we CHOSE our SOs, even with their kids. But we didn't choose to have kids, and it's just sooooo not the same.
So what do you all say in response to that? Do you have any clever analogies? Anything insightful that can help my friend "get it"?
It's useless to get into a
It's useless to get into a discussion with her over that. You could say "nobody has a crystal ball" and politely change the topic. I've had to do that.
I'm a SM and I think your
I'm a SM and I think your friend is right. You've made the choice to do everything you have listed. You could make the choice to step back and force your SO to parent his own kid.
No, you didn't choose to create the child. However, you are making the choice to play mommy.
Some people didn't make the
Some people didn't make the choice. In our situation bm is not allowed to be with the child without being supervised, and my husband can't quit his job, so that has left me raising him since he was 4 months old. My husband didn't even know he had a child til he got a Facebook message when the child was 2 1/2 months old stating that her boyfriends came back negative so my husband needed to take one. I guess he was one of many of her one month stands and she had no idea who the daddy was. So I didn't choose this, we had just gotten married and I'm not about to divorce him just because he found out he had a baby and needed to get custody from the drug ridden mommy.
But you also didn't choose it, be ause your so has already had this daughter, should already know what he's doing, and should already have child are besides you. You just need to step back an make him be the father he's supposed to be
There is nothing you can say
There is nothing you can say that will help your friends "get it". They have to live this life and walk in our shoes as step parents before they'd understand. With that being said you could respond with I didn't choose to have a kid, I chose to live with a kid.
Answer to “You DID chose to
Answer to “You DID chose to have a kid”
I chose to have a kid. I did not chose to be expected to discipline the kid only to be summarily undermined by the bio-parents.
I chose to have a kid. I did not choose to foster love, care and respect for a child who is under no obligation to give any love, care or respect back.
I chose to have a kid. I did not choose to have my raising him be placed under constant scrutiny because he is not my kid.
I chose to have a kid. I did not choose to have my concerns about him denied or be told constantly “you expect too much from him”.
I chose to have a kid. I did not choose to raise a kid with “learned helplessness” because bio parent was too lazy or too guilty to teach the kid.
I chose to have a kid. I did not choose to feel constantly sorry for him because he is a child of divorced parents.
I chose to have a kid. I did not choose to have a child with a mental maturity of someone half his age because he got too used to being coddled.
I chose to have a kid. I did not choose to be sidelined as a parent and then be blamed for the kid’s shortcomings.
I chose to have a kid. I did not choose for a bio-parent knowingly and wilfully let child break established house rules and boundaries.
I chose to have a kid. I did not choose to have all the parental responsibility and none of the authority.
"I chose to have a kid. I did
"I chose to have a kid. I did not choose to be sidelined as a parent and then be blamed for the kid’s shortcomings."
This is my favorite. So very very true in my house.
Basically, I chose to have a
Basically, I chose to have a kid (reside with one), but I did not choose to put up with all the baggage that comes along with it?...it's totally impossible.
Yes, I chose to get involved
Yes, I chose to get involved with a man who has a child but that child has parents and I did not choose to be one of them (and the birth certificate backs this up).
I choose to drive a car, but I don't want to get into an accident. It is a chance I take but it's not what I signed up for. And if it does happen, it SUCKS and I have a right to be upset about it.
No, you didn't have the kid but you can choose what you do and don't do for her. Just like driving a car, you have to be careful, it's easy to get stuck in a rut (and easy for SO to let you since it makes it easier for him). You do take a chance that you will be taken for granted.
There are the people who believe that if you choose someone with children, you choose to be a mother (of sorts). I believe that it is my choice how much of myself I want to give to someone else's kid.
EXACATLY!! I wanted to
EXACATLY!! I wanted to comment on this and you took the words right out of my mouth. If I am ever told I chose this I am going to tell them this!
I agree....this is a
I agree....this is a ridiculous comment.
No you didn't choose to have
No you didn't choose to have a kid obviously you didn't birth his daughter. You are choosing to do some (looks like most) of the "parental" things for your SO, which isn't a bad thing if it works for you. Some pp don't want to do a lot for the skids, which is fine, because they don't feel the need to or want to get too involved. I cook whenever SD is over or else all that child would eat is instant mashed potatoes.
You could tell your friend, "Trust me, nothing resembling a human has come out of this vagina, so no, I didn't choose to have a kid." or that may be a bit to harsh...lol
I too have difficulty with
I too have difficulty with this notion that people have "you knew what you were getting into". Um no if you have bios of your own then I think a person is better equipped to know what having a kid in your life entails but for childless SM I think this is a case of walking into a situation blind.Before ss the most experience I had with kids was babysitting my nephew or friends kids....whole different ball game.I find the whole "you knew he had a kid so you knew what you signed up for" as helpful as telling someone who was date rape " you knew he had a penis so that was always a possibility". Usually spoken by people who are clueless about what life in the step trenches is like.
I don't so much think you
I don't so much think you need a snappy comeback. First off, she's right but didn't need to kick you while you're down. Friends are suppose to listen to you complain and support you. Not blame the victim. Next time she starts complaining about her kid, job, boyfriend etc, use those exact words she used on you and maybe a lightbulb will go on.
But sometimes they're
But sometimes they're supposed to tell you the naked truth also.
A true friend doesn't just
A true friend doesn't just listen and you let you play the victim.
If you keep complaining about the same stuff, a true friend will help you come up with ways to solve the problems you're having.
If you refuse to take action to make things better and/or acknowledge your part in the problem, a true friend will point that out.
I agree if the poster is
I agree if the poster is ALWAYS bitching about the same thing, they need a dose of truth. I got the impression this was just a casual one time thing. Every time I run into one of my mommy friends, we start complaining about our kids. Maybe it's just my circle of friends because we don't just turn whip out the brutal truth in the checkout line.
I am arguing this purely on a principle because it's my personal opinion that people who marry those with children do in fact choose that life. To me, it's obvious, therefore it seems like rubbing someone's nose in it. Kicking when they're down. Blaming the victim or saying, " I told ya so!" It's just invalidating and isolating. I turn into a stepford wife around judgy know it alls like that.
Generic - just curious how
Generic - just curious how long have you been a step?
Tell her that she chose to be
Tell her that she chose to be a lousy friend. A good friend is there to support and listen to someone vent and not stick it back in their own face. I personally think that to say to someone in a sugar coated way "tough poo" is a poor friend response. This sounds like a judgemental right wing kind of person that sees things black and white.
Making a lot of assumptions here about your friend and maybe she is a good friend but I don't like her response.
Best of luck & I "hear you" and I understand that what you walked into you didn't know you had signed up for. So you chose the guy but just didn't quite know you were going to be a mom too. SD has a mom I assume? and she clearly has a dad? I would expect less of yourself as far as being this perfect step mom and try to enjoy your time with her. Sounds like you do some nice things with SD and you are a contributing person in her life.
It may actually be a gift to you and an incredible learning experience.
Maybe the friend is tired of
Maybe the friend is tired of hearing her complain about the same issues but not doing anything to change them.
Oh, believe me, Disneyfan...
Oh, believe me, Disneyfan... My friend now has 3 kids, only 1 of which was planned, and she has no plans to get on birth control... If either one of us in this relationship is tired of hearing about someone making the same mistakes and not learning from them or doing anything differently, it's ME!
It's difficult to have
It's difficult to have conversations with non-steps regarding steps because they perceive or assume it is or should be a certain way. The media/Hollywood does not do us any favors in clearing this up.
When I have been in your situation with a friend I have always found it best not to have a snarky or sarcastic comeback, but to actually explain the struggles and dynamics from my point of view. For example, when she says "you chose this" I would say, "well, I chose my DH and I knew that he was a package deal, but there are a lot of parts of this that I didn't chose for example xyz"
If that doesn't work, every time your friend has a struggle or complaint reply "you chose...."
"my dog ate my shoes." "you chose to get a dog!"
"my boss said I had to redo xyz" "you chose to get a job"
"my favorite shirt was ruined" "you chose to wash it"
After awhile she will probably get it.
Haha, I like those! But I
Haha, I like those! But I really wasn't looking for anything sarcastic or snarky or anything like that. Just an analogy or something clever or insightful to help her see the differences between what she is saying, and how I feel.
Whenever there are serious
Whenever there are serious issues, DH tells me "well, you married me and you knew I had a daughter, these are your issues not ours." Yup, I did, I was with you for 4 years before our marriage of 3 years. It has ONLY gotten worse. If I knew then what I know now, trust me...my life would be incredibly different. I love DH deeply, but I'm loving SD13 less and less by the second and right now I can't feel an ounce of the love I had for her. People say "you knew what you were getting into," and "you made the commitment now you have to deal with it." Holy cow, I forgot that 7 years ago I chose to feel like crap and treated like crap. I wish I would have wrote a note to my future self saying "now just realize you signed up for being a second class citizen and even though you make it well known that you don't not accept being treated this way, it will happen anyway and you're the one responsible to change."
Please know this, it will ALWAYS be you that is expected to change, ALWAYS. The thing you'll have to figure out is how do you do it and/or is it worth changing yourself for?
People who have not been in
People who have not been in this position will never get it. I was SO naive when I married but have learned a lot just from life and being here at steptalk. This group has helped me avoid LOTS of drama! But a lot of people are "in LOOOOOOOVE" and won't see what others see, they have to learn the hard way. If you go into it because you are blinded by love and think love will conquer all, it won't.
My response would be, "Yes,
My response would be, "Yes, but I'm considering suing Lloyd J. Schwartz (producer of Brady bunch) for false advertisement.
^^^ Too Funny!!!!!
^^^ Too Funny!!!!!
DH said this to me once. I
DH said this to me once.
I responded something to the effect of, "So... you mean the only way to solve these issues are... to UNCHOOSE it? Who knew it was so easy?" Then I looked at him and said, "I guess that's what I'll have to do to be happy."
That shut him up quick and he backpedaled and now always says, "You didn't sign up for this so I have to do something about it." in relation to anything that is currently an issue in our relationship. Haven't heard him say it at all after that. Learned his lesson I suppose.
In response to your friend, I'd say "Sure, let me just tell SO that in order for me to be happy, I should unchoose this relationship. I'm sure he'll thank you for giving me the answer to all of my problems."
See, just because you "chose" something doesn't mean you're always stuck with that choice forever. People who say this are forgetting that leaving is a choice too. Some people can be really thoughtless with what they say.
...I would say "You are
...I would say "You are Right!"...It IS MY choice....thank them for being so empowering to help you realize that today is a new day, and You can choose what you will have your role look like...We all have the power to change our minds...it's a wonderful gift to look at your position differently...the power of choice....
or one of my personal favorites...you could respond..."But what if I didn't"....
or you could write yourself a new job description when it comes to how YOU are going to define what your role as a step mom is...do not let others take you for granted and define it for you ...Just because they have pre-determined expectations of what you should be doing or not doing...YOU control your own life. Do not allow them to lean on you for so much...there is great power in the word NO.....Draw your own healthy boundaries...constantly pass on to DH what is his role....redirect skids to DH...go ask your father...you don't have to be the doormat, or available 24/7 in case they need something...
Enjoy YOUR freedom. You have a unique situation.....
R E S P E C T YOURSELF.....(and they might)...
Like I said in my post, doing
Like I said in my post, doing things for SD (for SO) isn't really a problem. I don't feel used, and SO more than shows appreciation and willingness to do anything himself.
But sometimes, doing something for someone you love, or just living with someone, can still turn into an annoyance, haha. I love SO to pieces, it's the most magical thing in the world, and sometimes I call up a girlfriend to vent about him, too!
its extremely difficult
its extremely difficult inheriting a child that has been raised in a completely different manner than i would raise my child.
we did choose this. doesnt mean we have to be happy about that choice all the time or have days where we regret the choice.
i try so hard to remind myself that SD is the way she is because of her parents. its not her fault. but there are days i want to blame her for everything.
"we did choose this. doesnt
"we did choose this. doesnt mean we have to be happy about that choice all the time or have days where we regret the choice."
True! I'm sure anyone who has made any choice ever can relate to this. Thanks!
I chose to marry my bride and
I chose to marry my bride and be equity partners in life. That includes being an equity parent to any children in our home regardless of biology. I chose to be SS's dad and raise him as my own when I asked his mom to marry me. We married a week before he turned 2yo.
What I did not choose is a toxic toothless moron Sperm Idiot and Sperm Clan hell bent on manipulating and causing disruption in my family. So, in partnership with my bride, I destroyed them legally, financially and socially. And it felt soooo good! }:)
Now that we have raised SS-21 to be successful in spite of the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool and he is progressing as a viable adult I can say without question that I made the right choice.