How old are you? What did you and your boyfriend get arrested for?
I am not going to comment on this but it will help to read the rest of your story.

I'm sorry for what you've had to go through. First off, please find yourself a good therapist. You deserve to be released from the damage she did to you as a child. I think it will also help you cut your emotional ties to this woman. It sounds like she has some deep, emotional issues that she has taken out on you and your brother and sister. The answer to your question, in my opinion, is yes, end your relationship with her and focus on making a happy life for yourself without her.

Your step mom could be my late step mom, and I empathize with your situation. Yes, you *always* have permission to cut toxic people out of your life. Also, don't let your step-mothers issues dictate life choices such as whether or not to raise children. My MIL believes my daughter is the result of an affair and not her son's (my husband's) child, so she plays favorites in front of her. MIL is dead to me; problem solved.

As far as how you were raised-- your stepmom sounds like my dad. Like exactly. Hey, guess what, it's probably bipolar or manic depression combined with OCD! We did piles of chores, we would get yelled at for weird things, sometimes spanked or hit for minor things, sometimes a bigger mistake would get nothing more than a slap on the wrist, we never knew what to expect! Sometimes a good mood, colored with snarky and cruel verbal jabs, sometimes a bad mood where doing everything perfectly was not good enough! We always described it as a minefield of daisies- it all looks good until you hit a mine and you're suddenly blown to hell! Things changed for me and my dad when i left right out of college, we used to have screaming fights, he used to threaten all kinds of shit and even throttled me a few times. When I moved out and lived away suddenly things were a million times easier. I love my dad, but we had some really hard times. I will always have a relationship with him, and he will always be unpredictable and questionably stable. I know it, and I accept it, and i can see the good in him anyway.
You need to decide if you see any good in your stepmom worth hanging on to.
She needs help. She should probably be seeing a therapist and/or taking meds. Good news, that's not your responsibility!
If you want to maintain a relationship with her, that's your call. I would probably just disengage, politely, and without making a thing of it, like HRNYC suggested. Just stop going there, don't talk to her, and decline invites, politely. If you are at a family thing with her, don't make a thing of it, just avoid her, be polite but don't engage. You don't need a giant public shunning, and making rules up like "I won't come to Xmas if SHE'S there" will only put your family in the awkward place of having to choose between you and her and probably your dad, which is just hard for everyone, and rude, really, since they are not in the middle of it and putting them there isn't kind. Yeah, she is probably a giant homophobe, and struggling with accepting you and your life. Some folks can never wrap their heads around new information. She is being unfair and unkind, and you don't need to listen to her or give what she says any weight in your life, but disengaging is hard! Stepping back and deciding to not be affected is way harder than it sounds! I suggest meditation, or a support group, or pick an exercise routine that you enjoy and do it regularly, and let your mind relax at least once a week! Don't let her rule your thoughts, and don't sever your ties to the rest of your family. It's not an easy path! Good luck!

If I didn't know better, I'd have said your stepmother is of Asian or Italian descent.

Some parents are like that, bio or step, I don't think it ohas much to do with whether she was your stepmother or not, rather, that is just the way she is. Ever read about that Tiger Mom? The Yale professor? What you went through is pretty much how asian households are often run under the matriarch so I'm sorry if I don't find it that strange (coming from that background myself.) Children are not allowed to go to parties, sleepovers, etc. and are expected to do house chores or schoolwork all the time. I began going over to friends houses ocassionally at 14, and it was only because my parents knew their parents. It's extremely isolating. You're often told you are a disgrace, should be ashamed, or aren't good enough, and that you owe your parents (under Confucian doctrine) to meet their expectations because they raised you, especially when you do something that they don't agree with.

My mom's mom (who I loved so much and who loved me) would hold out a handful of sleeping pills and tell my mother to take them with her so they can both die to be free from the shame of my mom not doing good in school. Yeah. This is actually common. They think they aren't doing their job if they go "easy" on their kids. It can cause people to get really messed up, but some do grow to appreciate it too because they got pushed beyond what they thought their limits are. However, when grandchildren come, they do a 180, especially to their daughters because during pregnancy, the woman carrying the child is literally queen--no one is ALLOWED to upset her for fear of hurting the baby.

I do not personally think it's an effective way to parent, and certainly won't raise my children this way, I was raised partly this way--however, I'm just trying to illustrate that it is a parenting style, and quite a common one depending on the culture. I also added Italian above, because my MIL, whose mother is old world Italian, ran her home like that too--with 8 children.

Anyway, the one thing that did strike me was that you treat it like it was her responsibility to raise you and your siblings--it wasn't. Yes, she could have let your dad do all the raising, as it WAS his responsibility. Here, we advocate that only the bioparent actually parent, and the stepparent step back and don't do anything that isn't required to keep the child alive.

I think you should do whatever makes you happy, but remember that there's a sad old lady out there who spent the majority of her life raising kids who aren't hers, who is misguided in her faith against your lifestyle, who was unhappy and didn't know how to deal with it in a constructive way, who raised these children as best as she could given her above circumstances, and likely never was fully secure in the idea that she was truly loved by those around her and therefore lashed out in such a way.

I am not giving her excuses for what she did (which I don't think is that bad considering her parenting style is considered normal where I come from), but what I am saying is that if you truly feel like if you cut her out of your life, and one day she died, and you wouldn't feel guilty for doing so, then go ahead. But if there's even a piece of you that would, don't. Because guilt is a heavy burden to carry in life.

Many bioparents, especially of certain faiths, react the way she did to you. Not that it's right, but I do not believe it has anything to do with being a step.

I think because she is your stepmother, that you were never fully confident that she loved you and your siblings like she would her own (which no one will ever know because she never had any of her own) and therefore a majority of what she does is automatically attributed to her being a stepparent. However, if she was your bioparent, would you cut her out of your life based on what she has done? I think it would take a lot more than what you've written to completely write her off.

And this is the conundrum of the blended family dynamic--no one knows if the other person truly loves them like blood, and therefore takes greater offense to slights than if it were blood.

I can tell you one thing that I'm almost positive about: if she didn't care about all of you, she would not have pushed you all to succeed in school, and have been overprotective in terms of letting you guys go to parties and stuff. If she didn't care, she would have stepped back, let you all fail, and laughed about it. That's what it means to not care.

Sorry this is so long, but this is my humble opinion on his matter. You can limit contact and steer the conversations away from things that would upset you both, but you don't have to cut this woman out if you think you will feel guilty for it when she is gone.

To be honest, much of what you describe above can be applied to intact families, too.

All people have faults. Your mother did, your father does and your stepmother does. So do you and your partner. Likewise, everyone goes through difficult periods of time in life. Whether it's finding ones true identify, brushes with the law, troubling teen years, or coming to grips with death and grief. And all families gossip about other members in the family, depending on what's going on.

Here's what I know to be true: I am a person with faults and failures but I am loved anyway.

When I am ruminating about a loved one's (relatively minor) faults or personality failings, I often make myself remember that mantra and apply the same standards. Part of that comes with age and wisdom, and knowing that people die or are taken from you so you need to enjoy what you can about your relationship with them. Every day is a gift, after all.

I know many people subscribe to therapy for solutions to everyday life and that's fine if it works for them. It is certainly warranted in truly abusive situations. But I don't think therapy will change someone's character or fundamental personality, and probably will not un-do a lifetime of how someone has approached life. Especially the older they get.

If you truly consider your stepmother to be "toxic" then you can slowly curtail your time with her. But I am sure it won't go unnoticed, including by your Dad. Remember, this is the woman he has chosen to live his life with and who sacrificed a great deal to help raise you kids. Your departue will affect him, too, and will probably be most hurtful to him.

Maybe she doesn't like your partner but many bio parents would not either, including those who were perfectly accepting of your sexuality. Especially if their felt their child's partner has gotten them into an arrest/legal hot water. As you say, you were all good kids and never got in trouble, so it would be natural for a parent (bio or step) to become vocal if they felt the partner was not a good choice. Of course, you are an adult and you have to make your own choices, but parents are parents - and will often tell you what they think unfiltered.

I don't think it's a stretch for her to think this guy may have steered you wrong. She may have reacted exactly the same way if you were heterosexual and the person who got you arrested was your girlfriend. I think time will show that this is a "blip" in your relationship history, both of you are now wiser, and there will be no more problems with the law. She will probably come around more at that point.

Speaking of acceptance, keep in mind that you can continue to exhibit it towards her as well. I'm not sure how old she is, but she may be in the throes of menopause as well as dealing with the grief of losing her own parents and seeing all you skids grow up and leave the nest. Add to that she never had children of her own and you can see why they call this "the change of life." It can be a hard time for women.

You say you helped/supported her with her immediate grief over her parents' deaths. But then it was "over" for you; it wasn't for her. Grief can take quite a bit of time to resolve and it's very individual. She may still be struggling with this every day, even a few years later. Have you ever sat down with her and had a heart to heart about how much you miss her parents - maybe she will open up and you will see how much she is hurting.

Of course, this is written from a "stepmom" perspective so I hope you can understand my approach. I think despite all the faults she may have exhibited to you growing up (which ALL parents have) she seems like a solid woman who stood by her husband and fully supported you kids. While some of the things you point out are certainly annoying and may have been hurtful, I don't see anything that screams abuse and cruelty to me. You may describe the chores as excessive,but she may describe it as the only way to keep the household in decent order, especially if she was working, too.

One thing you can say - she never left you, that's for sure. And that says a lot.

People are very complicated and trying to figure out or put a label on step-mom is fruitless and likely to fail. I'd ignore any advise to that end. As an adult you are free to associate (or not) with anyone you choose.

I don't see any abuse in your story just a woman dealing with her own personality while doing what she thought was best for a house filled with step-children. She ran her home like her classroom and even you admit it worked. I suspect a lot of her students remember her as strict but like you admire what they learned while in her care.

Always keeping these things in mind the bottom line is you don't owe her anything if you really feel that way. She signed on just as any biological mother agrees when birthing a child. I think you should minimize your contact with her but when you are in her presence such as at holidays or other special events you should treat her as if she was one of the most important people in your childhood. As indeed she was.

Biggest question of all ...

Will "frayed" respond to any of our inputs, or will we never hear from him again?

I've found that oftentimes the best advice on here is given to those who never respond back. Sad.

"Ok, so you didn't have to raise me, yet you married my dad? What were you going to do, sit there while he raised us by himself?"

Yes. A lot of stepmoms do this - it's called disengaging.

Anyways, I don't know the whole situation - BUT...

It doesn't sound like she abused you. Just like she was like my BM - kind of overbearing & not ready to let you grow up & make your own mistakes. She was right about your BF - she just wanted you to break up with him & avoid getting in trouble. You didn't & you got arrested. It's hard for overbearing moms to let go & let their kids fail. They get angry when you don't listen & start messing up your life.

I'm not saying it's right - but I'm sure from her point of view she thinks "I was right all along about that bf & now they went to jail & he snuck out of his grandparents house to move in with him". Doesn't sound mature or like good decision making.

Also, to be mad that she didn't bail you out of jail? You're an adult - you shouldn't be in jail but if you are you should have funds to bail yourself out. Seems like you expect that she owes you a lot. But she doesn't owe you anything - & you don't owe her anything either.

I wonder how many men would go through with a marriage with a woman who made it clear she would be "disengaged" from his kids. What I mean is, regardless of the children's problems, behaviors, manners, mental illness - how much of a marriage decision is based on how much work future wife is going to put in with the kids. Once the fantasy of a big happy blended family is shattered, it's usually too late to end things. Too much invested, too many bridges burned. Do the DHs grow resentful? Do they feel like they were sold a bill of goods? He can't very well say," Hey! This is not what I signed up for". But does he think it? Would he dare?