what does the divorce decree say?

my fiance's plan states clearly that he is responsible for CS, nothing more. i know soem agreemetn state that things like activities are 50-50, but absent that language, his only requirement is the CS.

not sure how old the kids are but my fiance is open with his 13 year old abotu how much money he gives her mother. from day one he told her the amount in response to her initial demands of "buy me this buy me that". it worked as she now knows not to ask for things as his standard line is "go as your mother, that's what the XX in child support i give her each month is meant for".

Is the extra stuff in the CS order? Where I live you have to share those kind of extra costs and the percent you pay is based on your DH's income versus the BM's (the spouse's is not taken into consideration). My DH pays 80% of all extra's on top of CS, and he has joint custody. In some places that is the way it works and there is nothing you can legally do to change it, it doesn't matter to any judge that BM's household is actually better off then our's is because she's the one getting the CS and her partner has a good job. If you live somewhere were CS works differently then maybe you can change it, if your system is the same as mine it won't happen

I don't have really great advice for you regarding your CS issues, however, I can say please don't be embarressed about having to ask for help from your parents. Most of us have been there before.

My husband had the same worries yours has...that the kids would think he didn't want to provide for them. That's what BM told them and everyone else. It took having a lawyer look over his decree and telling him to not pay one single dime more than the CS he already paid.

There are a lot of people in here who think CS and other adult business should not be discussed with the kids. In this case I highly disagree. He showed them how CS is determined, how he was already paying way more than the state requires, and that from now on he just couldn't afford to get the extras that were already included in the CS he gave their mom. She would have to use CS for xyz because that it's what it is for.

They were old enough to understand and I think it was absolutely necessary that they see evidence that he is not a deadbeat. This isn't appropriate in all cases, but with their ages and the extent of attempted PAS going on, I'm glad he showed them. He didn't bad mouth their mom (even though she deserves it). He just explained the way the system works.

Take a look at their divorce decree. He shouldn't be giving her any more than he's court-ordered to give her. Also look up your state's laws on CS, and CS guidelines. CS is supposed to be used for the stuff he's giving her extra money for.

If you work and help pay the household bills, the quickest way to get him to stop giving her money, is to start withholding your money. It won't take him long to figure out he can't support two homes. It's pretty easy to hand over extra money when you have someone at home to pick up the slack.

If don't work, get a job so that you will have the funds you need for yourself and your son. Refuse to use any of your money to help out with the bills until he stops giving BM extra money.

Convo to have with DH TODAY....

YOU: I want you to just pay CS and no extras or at least split some of the extras with BM. Our child deserves to have US buy him clothes and essentials also. Right now, I am a grown, married, woman that is having to have my parents buy my kid clothes. Aren't you embarrassed by that DH?

DH: But BM will tell them I dont' pay for them and ect.

YOU: Then you tell them the truth. All of these kids need to be treated the same and our son is being treated like a dog because of you.

DH: BUUUUUT...

YOU: No buts!!!!! I do not want a divorce and I am not saying that I will do this, but what do you think will happen if I can't take anymore of this and we have to divorce? I guess I will get the same sweet deal BM gets and then I can afford clothes for OUR son.

DH: I will tell BM to jump in lake.

She's going to tell them he's a deadbeat who does nothing for them even if he pays for EVERYTHING including her car and home!

He needs to STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

Pay the CS, pay for whatever he's ordered but NOT A PENNY MORE!!!

Why is he scared of his ex wife? What is he afraid she will do if he upsets her?

He needs to put YOUR household as priority too. He pays his court ordered responsibilities but nothing else unless you guys decide TOGETHER that you can afford it. Otherwise, he will soon have ANOTHER BM to pay CS to!

Separate your finances he wants to throw his money away fine, but it is NOT your responsibility to provide for his and BM's kids. He pays cs for fucks sake he's doing his kids no favors in life just to shut up his ex. What makes a deadbeat here's an example. A man with 2 intelligent well raised children a boy a girl (the girl just turned 18) he quits his job just before court to modify cs and gets it abated doesn't have to pay a cent. Lives 2 blocks from said kids, they pass his home daily. He gets angry if they ask for rides, or to come for dinner, or homework help because "Well obviously your mother is failing at managing you kids." That, that is a deadbeat. Those are my kids. Do I tell them he's a deadbeat? No. Do I tell them he doesn't provide for them? No. Do they know it though. They sure do cause the moment he got his cs abated he stopped asking for them extra (which I always gave him) They know why. what they'd want more than anything, if he wanted them, fought for them, gave up pot for them. He made his choices.
Being there, being involved, giving a damn will always mean more than throwing money at them. I wouldn't even care about the cs if he wanted them.

TIME OUT!!! How many years did he care for them and had custody when BM did NOT pay CS? I can see him also carrying insurance. As for anything else,BM needs to assume payment of NOTHING! As for paying for cell phones...NOT NO...BUT HELL NO!

YUP, what everyone else is saying... "what is on the divorce decree?" because it does clearly indicate whether he has to pay half of kids expenses on top of child support. I know my husbands divorce decree states that he has to pay CS and half of expenses (medical, school clothes, etc). Unfortunately him and his ex do not follow the decree b/c he pays her CS and pays for everything! She refuses to work and doesnt spend one dime of her CS on the kids expenses whatsoever.

Sorry you are broke and your husband is exhausting all the money on his other family. I hope you guys can figure it out and come to an agreement about these things.

Our attorney told us to make sure not to pay not one dime more than the CO required. Anything over that amount is considered a gift and in doing so continually it can be brought to court for a CS change that he can afford to pay it because he already does and the CS can be changed to add those extra amounts. And she will still want more on top of that.

We rarely pay out any extra. It so far has never been asked of us but once in a while we have tried to do extra like the time we had the YS16 in the winter and she had no coat. Told me she didn't have one. I went right to the store and let her pick one out. That was Dec 2012. I have not seen that coat once since.

Or the time had her and went to town. Her sneakers were rubbing blisters on her feet. Said BM got them at the thrift store. Took her right then for new sneakers. I saw her wear them that day and then saw them again in a pic but not since.

We also bought a few school supplies this past year but they were minimal as the SD16 couldn't or wouldn't tell us what she needed.

I'm not going to allow our hard earn money to go to someone else's household if it is not required.

As for the shoes and coat, I'm not sure if the SD16 just doesn't wear them or does so when she is not with us or if her mom did something with them.

The only times you have to pay for extras is when it is written in the CO. If the kids question it or say things about it then sit them down for a talk. If they are big enough to question an adult then they are big enough to hear the truth.

It really ticks me off that most people think only the father or only the mother pays child support. That is not correct. They both pay child support. The reason one pays to the other is because of an income difference.

I know your husband feels like he doesn't want to rock the boat and doesn't want his kids to feel any less of him but he has to stop bending over backward to provide extra. How does he think your bio is going to feel years down the road when he finds out that his dad made him do without so the others could have their hearts desire.

How does he think this is fair to you his wife? He needs to worry about you and keeping you happy. The BM is in the past. She needs to put her big girl panties on and provide more for her household if she needs it. I hate hate hate greedy people who want to do nothing for themselves.

If BM has them in activities that they both agree on then what would it hurt if he helped if he could? If he has no say so in the activities then he needs to tell her to kiss is butt.

Ultimately what he is teaching the children is that all they need to do is say "jump" and he will say "how high". He is setting them up for failure. Not to mention but you can't buy your children's love. That is earned. So is respect and they are old enough to know that they aren't really respecting him by saying some of the things they have but he is umbling to their mom and they see that as a weakness.

As long as he allows this, it will continue and it will at some point start to break you down and you will start to feel resentment. I would hate to see it come to that. Tough love is needed here. That and to tell BM to kiss off with all her extras.

Instead of giving her the money that he knows not where it goes, maybe he should buy them things to keep at your house such as clothes. But don't pile it on. Make them earn it.

Time for you to give DH some clarity and show him where to reach between his legs and grab a big old handfull of man sack.

Pay CS and only the CS. If it is not in the CO, then it is on the CP/BM to pay it. End of discussion.

The problem is that these breeding for dollars prostitution on the insallment plan BMs need to live within their means and actually be accountable for contributing to the support of their own children.

Your DH needs to man up and realize that he owes his XW nothing beyond the CS for his children. PERIOD!

He has a wife and child to support at home. They take precident over his XWs wish list for money.

I'd pull out all the cancelled child support checks he paid their mother since day one. Add them up and put the checks in a pile on the dining room table. Set the girls down and tell them to look through the checks and ask them to guess how much it is. My bet is they'll underestimate the total but whatever it is I'd then tell them the actual dollar amount and tell them they're welcome to add them up themselves.

I'd then tell them that the State of XXX has carefully worked out how much it costs for parents to raise their children and that amount includes housing including heating and water, school expenses such as pencils and yearbooks as well as food and clothing.

Then he tells them that what he has paid represents one half of the cost of taking care of them. Then I'd pull out the extra checks and tell them that I have paid this extra money because I didn't want you two to think I was neglecting your welfare but now I'm finding out your mother is lying to you about this so I told you the truth here and I'm going to stop sending your mother this extra money.

From now on if you feel you need something extra you talk to your mother about it. If she thinks its not included in the weekly check she can discuss it with me and if I think its a true extra I'll pay her half.

I'd say to them that "You girls are old enough to know the truth and its time your mother stopped misleading you". Then ask if they have any questions.