how best to support the alienated parent?
Things have gotten really ugly for my fiance in his custody battle.
BM is telling SD13 to not have any commucation with her father. he has not seen or spoken to his child in a week.
it has become obvious to me that BM is an "obsessed alienator" and that at this point, fiance has pretty much lost his daughter. i think he is beginning to see it as well but is not yet ready to give up.
ive ordered Divorce Poison hoping it will help me and him understand better why/how this is happening and how we can deal. but can any of you who have been through this offer any guidance? my heart is breaking for my fiance. yes, SD is a brat and my fiance is just as responsible for her upbringing as BM is. but this is his only child. his relatives and friends do not have these problems wiht their kids. he is defintely feeling that the alienation is his fault when in theory it started the day the child was born (even tho they didnt divorce until she was 11).
As a former child who was
As a former child who was alienated from her father, I can offer this advice: tell him just to keep sending her cards or notes. Handwritten notes that she can receive a few times a month, a few times a year, whatever feels right - and I say handwritten because it's something she can hang on to. There will come a time in her life, possibly just as soon as she's in her early 20s, when she will begin to treasure these things and see her mother's efforts for what they are. Don't bother with money or gifts, because they don't mean anything. But a simple note that doesn't lay blame or cause any guilt.
My mother would have me believe that my father never even thought about me, but the notes that I received told me otherwise.
sparkle, do you think that
sparkle, do you think that digital communications would have the same effect? I fear that anything he mails to the house will be confiscated by BM and never even given to SD.
do you now have a good relationship with your dad? is there hope?
Honestly, I don't think
Honestly, I don't think digital would work the same. It doesn't mean the same, and it implies a response is expected. But that's just me. I bet he could find a way to get the cards or notes to her - if not in person, through a friend or relative. Being concerned about the mail is valid - but there are always options.
There is always hope! And my mom had no idea at the time, but she was destroying any future that I could have with her in my life. Ironically, we are estranged from one another now. That's not the case with all alienated children, of course. But I do know that the few pieces of paper I have with my dad's handwriting on them meant a lot to me.
now that i think about it,
now that i think about it, fiance did leave a letter for SD when he moved out. she has mentioned to him that she still has it an often rereads it. i think the notes are a great idea. thank you!
thank you all...great
thank you all...great feedback.
i truly wish my fiance would work with a counselor. he hasnt admitted yet that he needs one so i know he will never go until he does. he told me over dinner last night that everything is just taking its toll.
i am working with a
i am working with a counselor. its helped immensely.
he did just have a full physical because he's had various aches and pains that i think were all stress induced. he checked out fine, thankfully.
How about backing up the card
How about backing up the card with a digital inquiry "Did you get my birthday card". After a few responses, if any, he'll see the trend and he can quit the digital and can quit the cards if they're being trashed. If she doesn't respond at all then read on.
When I saw that my eldest kid had bought into his mothers hate I backed off completely. No cards, no phone calls and certainly no gifts. Zero communication with the boy from age 14 for about ten years. Then he was married with two kids and reached out. I also believe that had I forced the boy to continue his visits it would have set the alienation in stone.
she refuses visits and BM
she refuses visits and BM does not make her go. just starting last week he is now calling the authorities each time BM refuses to produce her to document it for contempt of court purposes.
Wow sparklelady I got
Wow sparklelady I got goosebumps reading your post as that was my EXACT experience (also as child alienated from my father) right down to the hand written notes from him!
This is good advice...Calypso absolutely letters and cards, etc..
My mother tried very hard to convince us our dad just didn't care enough, but in the end we smartened up and saw through the lies. I have many memories of all the times my father persisted in fighting for time with us despite all my mothers attempts to interfere...he would even show up at family events my SF was at and insist on staying regardless of who felt uncomfortable, just because he wanted to be with his family...not that I'm recommending that of course but it did serve to emphasize with all of us how much our father cared
As he is now deceased, all I have left now are my memories of him including those times AND a bunch of letters he wrote to me, telling me repeatedly how much he loved and missed me, and even in those letters never gave up insisting on seeing each other
My mother can never convince me now as all I have to do is re-read those letters to know how important I was to him, and how very difficult the situation had been on him
My mother tried PAS when I
My mother tried PAS when I was a kid and my father's wife would retaliate by trying to PAS my brother and I against our mother during visits. As the SM, stay out of it other than to support your husband by listening and with lots of love.
Your DH should write notes, letters, and never stop trying - that will mean the world to his DD. My father did none of this and it hurt. It took me years to move past his "giving up."
My SS's BM has tried a little PAS, but my SS sees through it and the fact that she's disappeared twice from his life completely for over a year. As a SM, I say nothing negative about the BM.
Stay out of the PAS drama completely.
agreed - to date, i have
agreed - to date, i have never spoken any ill of BM in SD's presence. in fact, i say positive things on occasion. the only thing i can change is to say nothing at all, even the good things.
There is also a movie called
There is also a movie called "Pluto Welcome Back" or something like that and it was made by the author of "Divorce Poison". I have read a lot reviews about this dvd, and people say that it will help! It is for both the parents and the children. It was recommended on here so I bought it and "Divorce Poison" yesterday off amazon along with some other helpful books. Get the movie, it can't hurt to try.
thank you all again for the
thank you all again for the comments and support.
things have taken such a bizarre turn the past few weeks.
i think it hits harder for us in some ways becuase i lost my own dad at 21 and my fiance just lost his mother last year. we would both love to talk and visit with the parents that we lost...here SD is wasting time and opportunities that one never knows will be permanently taken away due to death.