Not Family
S/O and I aren't married or living together (thankfully...I love living alone). A few weeks ago FSD's birthday was during the week so we celebrated at Chuck E Cheese on a Saturday. I invited my sister and her two kids because FSD wanted them there and I invited my mother because I couldn't think of another opportunity for one of my parents (dad was out of town) to meet S/O's parents. At some point S/O's mom takes a picture of S/O, FSD and me and posts it on FB. I was looking at it last night because I was helping his mom figure something out on her page. I noticed above our heads in the picture was some generic artwork that is sprinkled around chuck e cheese. The top half was cutoff but the words "family" on the bottom were situated perfectly above our heads. I had a weak moment I guess and I called S/O to tell him to look above our heads. He texts me back and his response is "Family one day soon." Idk why but it really hurt my feelings. Maybe it's because he insinuated that we're not family, maybe it's because my attempt at being sweet was stomped on, or maybe it's because he expects me to love his kid and make the people I hold dear available for her to play with. MY nieces REMEMBERED her birthday on the actual day that it was and asked me to tell her happy birthday. MY nieces invited her to their parties. MY nieces were the only kids who showed up to her party. None of the classmates that were invited neither showed up or even called to say they weren't coming. I think S/O should take FSD out of that particular preschool because well there are racist little boogers there. One actually told FSD they couldn't be friends because she has dark skin. FSD is four and doesn't understand so that little turd is one of the kids she invited. Needless to say, she didn't come. I'm glad because I'm sure her folks are delightful. I hate thinking that all the other kids who didn't show up didn't come for the same reasons. Anyway my point is I made sure that she didn't have to spend her BD with a bunch of old grown ups. MAYBE I shouldn't bring my family around or be around his until he considers us to be. I certainly don't hang around other people who I don't consider to be family. My closest friends are a family to me and I hang out with them and their families and them mine. He didn't even specify when we'd be a family, like if we were married. Just "One day". Whatever. It makes me want to stop going and spending every other weekend with him and his family. When he comes and stays with me, we may or may not see my family but at his house I don't have a choice but to see his family because he lives with them with his daughter. I think I might go back to making the weekends FSD is with him "daddy weekends" and not come visit. She lives with him so he gets plenty of QT during the week but hey, I'm not family so I shouldn't be around his kid.
I think you're making a big
I think you're making a big deal out of nothing. You don't live together like a family, you aren't married, and I don't think you should assume he isn't noticing the interest your family takes in his DD.
It's awesome that you visit and share your family with him and his DD.
You may be right but I don't
You may be right but I don't think that you're a family just because you live together or because you're married. Family means something different to me. Obviously it means something different to my S/O too. It feels like it's not up to me to consider him my family. I didn't even say we were. I just thought it was a cute coincidence and thought I'd point it out. He could have said something simple like "cute" or "neat" or whatever but he didn't. He pointed out that he doesn't think we're family. Next time I see something like that or feel moved by anything pertaining to his family unit, I'm keeping it to myself.
Exactly what I thought. Men
Exactly what I thought. Men are dumb.
He probably thought he was being sweet.
But I have to ask, where the heck do you live that a 4 year old would say that to another four year old? I'm schocked.
I live in California
I live in California
^^^ Agree. I now live with
^^^ Agree. I now live with my SO and his son and I know the feeling. I felt the same way when we weren't living together. it's hard to explain. He probably didn't mean anything by it but it prob touched on some fears you have about the future of your situation.
give it time and just talk to him about it
I also think he meant well
I also think he meant well and you're too sensitive. You MUST always be wary of the written word in short spurts of text and emails as there is no explanation of the facial and body language. Even a inserted Smiley doesn't help much. Literally more than half our communications is non-verbal and all of that is missing in that message. This is one reason people use face to face meetings whenever important stuff is brewing or at least video conferencing.
I really don't think there's
I really don't think there's anything left to be imagined by his comment. He said we weren't family. I'm not confused by what he said. I just don't understand why he felt the need to say so.
I don't think we're family. I
I don't think we're family. I didn't say I thought so. I just thought it was unnecessary to point it out. I was merely trying to share something that I thought was cute with him and the only thing he had to say was, "family one day soon". I didn't ask him if he thought we were a family. I pointed something out in a picture of the three of us. Next time I'll just keep it to myself. Or just not take any pictures with them. I mean really, we ARE only dating so why do I need to be in the pictures? What if we break up? Then there will be pictures of me and the two of them floating around. We're not a family so I won't do family-ish things.
Honestly this seems like a
Honestly this seems like a very touchy subject for you and it seems like you are taking many things to personal.
If you don't think y'all are family then why get upset that he didn't? This is like me not liking SIL and then getting upset that she feels the same.
Your comment about pictures just seems nit picky. I found out my ex told his new wife he is keeping pics of myself, his daughter and him because I was around and some of when we were dating. It would be one thing if you guy told you not to be in pictures but he's not your making that up. Everyone has "non-family" pictures. Whether it is with a date or friends or whatever.
I got upset because I didn't
I got upset because I didn't say we were family nor did I ask if he thought we were. I simply showed him something in a picture and he responded with what he said. He obviously took it as me saying we're family and he told me we weren't. He has since apologized and said he didn't mean to say we aren't family. He meant to say, according to him, that he's glad that I think of us as a family unit and that he thinks of me as family. Nonetheless, that isn't what he said and I reacted to what he said not what he meant to say. I'm not a mind reader and I don't try to be.
I agree with
I agree with Manymoments....you're not a family yet. You and he are still in the dating stage: separate homes, not even engaged...
I don't know too many people who think everybody under the sun that you care for...are "family".
Your boyfriend's comment seems pretty normal and hopeful to me. He didn't panic at the thought of continuing
down your relationship path and one day becoming family.
Now...because your feelings are hurt...you're planning to pout and punish.
I don't think everyone under
I don't think everyone under the sun that I care about are my family. I said my closet friends. I didn't even say we were a family. I just thought it was a cute coincidence that the word family was over our heads. I thought I'd point it out. My mistake and I won't again. No pouting. Who said anything about punishment? I'm assuming you're referring to what I said it makes me feel like doing. I wasn't under the impression that him having QT with his daughter on his weekends with her was a punishment.
Tell him how you feel...not
Tell him how you feel...not like an emotional big deal, but that you already considered your extended group a family. I used to mention to bf that we weren't a "real" family, since his kids weren't actually mine, and we weren't married. He finally told me that it hurt his feelings a bit and when I heard his opinion, I understood his perspective and ...to be honest, he was right? If it looks like a family, walks like a family and has quacks like a family....it's a family.
^^ This. You need to be
Even now DH, SS and myself are a family or as a call a family unit as SS is not my son. I consider most of his family mine and he does as well but frequently for example this afternoon he made a comment "my family" and it didn't bother me.
I am a man and as a man I am
I am a man and as a man I am confident that your FDH's comment had no hidden meaning. He was alluding to a wedding in the future and not disparaging your current status as a family.
Men are simple creatures. We tend to say what me mean and suck at subtlety.
Occasionally my wife will get upset by injecting all kinds of subtle meaning in to something I say. "So, you don't like XYZLMNOP." after I express my opinion on a topic by saying something along the lines of "Its okay but I think QRSTUV would be better." If I don't like something or have an opinion I clearly say "I don't like that" or "My opinion is X." If I say something is “Okay” then I do not dislike it and I don’t like it. It is “Okay”. It is acceptable to me. If it does not come out of my mouth, I did not even think it. Women tend to consider much more information than men do. Body language, facial expression, possible alternative meanings to statements, etc....
IMHO if your FDH did not consider you and your family to be his family he would have said "We are not family."
Deep breaths and relax. This really is a non issue and no big deal.
IMHO of course.
Thanks for insulting my
Thanks for insulting my maturity level. It was rude and uncalled for. I'm 27 if you must know, but as we've learned from our experiences with our S/O's or husbands and even our BM's, age does not reflect maturity. We have discussed marriage before and the plan is to wed one day. I must reiterate that I wasn't calling him family. I was just pointing out something I thought was cute in a picture of the three of us. As for breaking up, I'm well aware of how "expendable" I am and I'm aware that she probably wouldn't remember me if we broke up. I really don't get what your point is on that particular topic. I get that you interpreted his comment as something sweet, as most people here did (without insulting me) but what about breaking up? Should I not participate in family-ish things with him because we might break up tomorrow? Should I not show him cute things I see in pictures of us because we might break up tomorrow? Should I not bring it to his attention when he's hurt my feelings and let him explain because we might break up tomorrow? I doubt your answer to any of those questions is yes. Like I said, I was only pointing something out in a picture and in turn he pointed out how we aren't a family. I didn't ask if we were nor did I say I thought we were.
This response was immature.
This response was immature.
He didn't come out & say,
He didn't come out & say, "You're not family", but that's what you interpret & I understand why you would.
While you didn't come out & say, "We're a family", can you not see where he would've interpreted that in you pointing out "Family" over your pic together?
IMO, he wasn't wrong to say to what he said. He stated a fact, & while you may not like to hear it, it's still a fact.
That's something I wouldn't have braved pointing out or bringing up with my DH before we were married, simply because he's more factual than he is sentimental. We were together for 8 years before we got married. In sentiment & in my heart, I thought of him & his kids as family long before that day. I wouldn't have put myself in a position of having to hear otherwise from him by ever suggesting otherwise.
It's one of those "don't ask if you don't really want to know" kind of things. I'll never ask my DH if he thinks I'm fat. I don't want to create situations that encourage him to lie, & I know I'd be crushed if I ever heard it come out of his mouth. So, I don't create the situation.
Now, HE acknowledges me as his family. His kids don't & likely never will, though I still think of them as mine.
Thank you. You make a lot of
Thank you. You make a lot of sense. I really reacted before I thought about it and once I thought about it I came to the conclusion that I probably should have just kept it to myself but alas, I had already posted this. He has since apologized and says that he thinks of me as family and is glad that I think of him and I as a family unit but my point the entire time was that I know we aren't I just wanted to show him something. I know now that I should have kept it to myself and I should have known in the moment. There have been other times where I felt moved by something and he did exactly what he did this time. I make note of each occurrence and make sure not to make the same mistake again but I forgot this time. I should tie a bow around my finger as a reminder of all the things I can't do in my position.
thankfully...I love living
thankfully...I love living alone
he expects me to love his kid and make the people I hold dear available for her
MY nieces were the only kids who showed up to her party.
I made sure that she didn't have to spend her BD with a bunch of old grown ups.
He didn't even specify when we'd be a family
at his house I don't have a choice but to see his family because he lives with them with his daughter
hey, I'm not family so I shouldn't be around his kid
The reason I highlighted your comments is because this isn't about a photo. If you would be honest with yourself, it's about the growing case of resentment you have. I don't know how old you are or how long you have been in this relationship, but it sounds like you don't feel the "score" is even between yourself and your SO. That in and of itself is a sign of a problem - if you feel like you are keeping score, then it's probably because you don't feel like this is a "balanced" relationship.
I don't say any of this in a hostile way, I just want you to read between your own lines and figure out your real emotions here. Perhaps being with a single dad (one who still lives at home) is not the best fit for you - you sound like you are already independent and on your own. Maybe you would be happier with a man who is closer to your lifestyle?
Because let me tell you, this situation will NOT get better. The cute 4 year old you know now, will eventually turn into a sullen pre-teen, and a snotty disrespectful teenager who will be telling you , "Your are NOT MY MOM!"
So if you can't handle your SO's simple comment on a photo, what do you think your life will be like in a few years if you stay with him?
You make a lot of sense as
You make a lot of sense as well. I think part was resentment and I think the other part is I don't think it needed to be pointed out. All and all I should have just kept it to myself.
I read it as him intending to
I read it as him intending to marry you. But if he was putting up boundaries and saying that you arent a family then he was just stating fact. you aren't family, you are adults who are dating and living separately. Don't let the kid confuse the situation.