So close to freaking out on BM!
Hey all! Okay so everyone always says that the DH should always deal with the BM and stay out of the problems and everything but I am so about to blow the fuck up on her! Quick history: been with DH 5 years.
The first 4 years she was more than happy that I was involved in everything in my SD's lives (now 11 and 
in regard to picking up, coming to school conferences, disciplining, even called me their step mom before we were married 5 months ago. I even used to babysit her two babies while she worked and we went to the gym together a few years ago! The past year, and even worse since my DH and I got married 5 months ago, she has been a living nightmare. Every time DH and BM fight about the kids re schedule, discipline or anything, it always comes back on me and it's my fault in her eyes. She goes on and on crying hysterically on the phone and always blames me, thinking I'm controlling everything, when I try to stay out of their shit always!
Everyone knows she's bipolar even though she's not diagnosed. She's got a long history of emotional, unreasonable, behavior that doesn't make sense.
The other day she wanted to switch a day with us so she could work. That would mean that my DH would be switching a day that he opened at work for a day that he closed and he wouldn't see the girls at all. He also closes all weekend that we have the girls, so he won't really be seeing the girls except in the morning for breakfast. She was pissed because he wouldn't do it! "I won't get to see them but one day, not fair Kevin!" What???? That's one day less than normal! You're a working girl now! Kevin does this all the time and never sees the girls. She then goes on a rant about me! And how fucked up it is that this past year he's been so difficult because he's trying to make "his wife" happy. He's not. She just cries when she doesn't get her way, but we constantly do her favors and give her days, yet she doesn't show appreciation for that or anything we do.
I'm thinking of blowing up on her and defending myself, at least sending a text. At least a respectful one? None at all? Will it change anything? I just want her to stop attacking me! She constantly attacks me and I feel like she needs to stop being jealous if she is and back the fuck off me, I don't let people treat me that way.
Rather than blow up on her it
Rather than blow up on her it would be much more fun to just get a big grin on your face, take a very bright but condesending tone to your voice and egg her on.
"Oh yes, it would be much better for Kevin to see his girls even less than he already does because you have finally decided to get off of your ass a get a job. You poor baby." }:)
Do not let her get to you.
Your marriage set her off.
Your marriage set her off. This is not an unusual story in that all is well until the finality that he's actually replaced her for good and forever sets in. It probably set off her bi-polarization if that's a word. In any event if she is bi-polar then there is no point in husband attempting to deal with her. He has a court ordered visitation schedule so he now sends bio-mother a email stating that he is going to stick to the visitation order with no deviation. He'll ask for no changes and grant none.
In a year or two she will figure out she can't manipulate him and if she settles down he can consider easing up on the strict devotion to the order. If he's still ignoring and deflecting her craziness then he sticks to the order.
Meanwhile you have zero, nada, no contact with her at all. If she calls on a home phone you hand it to husband or tell her you'll have him call when he gets in and hang up. You do not under any circumstances engage or argue with her over anything.
Please dont let her bipolar
Please dont let her bipolar insecure antics get to you. She's just jealous and its easier to point the finger at you then it is for her to look in the mirror and take responsibility for her own life. Rather than go off on her, you should feel sorry for such a wretch. Especially since she used to be cool with you and now conveniently she's blaming you for everything. she has issues. bottomline. Let it go. If anything I would voice my feelings about it to DH and ask him to please shut her down anytime she starts with her crap. He doesnt have to listen to it and quite frankly he should not relay all this unecessary info to you because it just upsets you.
BM pulls this crap too. She's all nice and fuzzy with me but then when she doesnt get her way or DH doesnt go along with her bs then its MY fault. I finally told him not to tell me anything she says about me because it serves no purpose in my life other than to tick me off. You can't help it if BM is a hater, thats definately not your fault. Save your sanity and let it go, not worth your energy. Dont get sucked into the drama.
Thank you guys. Stupidly, we
Thank you guys. Stupidly, we don't have a court order. We've always been able to work together until the wedding planning started it seemed. We didn't push going to court to get an order when things got complicated because DH doesn't pay child support. BM didn't see a reason for him needing to pay it since we have 50/50 custody and we generally work well together, but she might change her mind if we take her to court! However we want to go week to week and she's not going for it! Again, blaming me! So we may need to go to court because she supposedly "can't be away from the girls more than 2 days at a time" (3-2-2 schedule currently) which is bs cuz she's always dropping them off at her parents house on her weekends to babysit and one overnight too. So hopefully we can get week to week...
I just wish I could get her to stop though. You all are right! If I say something, showing her it gets to me, it shows her I'm weak! But I wish she would stop, so I wish there were a way to stop her from thinking this because I feel like she got the wrong message somewhere. I hate this, but it's DH's fault. He just hung up on her when she started going off about me the other day. To me, that doesn't send a message "my wife is not involved in this. I make the decisions, so leave her out of it," to me it sends a bad message on my behalf. But I don't know! He should be defending me as his wife.
He should defend you exactly
He should defend you exactly one time and after that he should do what he did and shut her down by hanging up on her or otherwise refusing to listen to her garbage.
With crazies like this BM, they look for emotional engagement with our DHs. It truly doesn't matter to them if that engagement is negative or positive. If positive were available to them, I'm sure they'd prefer that. When positive is no longer available to them, the will pick a fight on purpose to see if they can get DH upset. Why? So they can feel like they still matter. If their words and actions can upset him, then they are still important to DH.
Trust me that nothing strikes a larger punch in the war against crazy BMs than responding with indifference via silence. It won't work right away, but long term, it works.
Wow, this makes perfect sense
Wow, this makes perfect sense to me! I'll ask him if next time he can defend me and then from there be silent and hang up if she goes on. Honestly, he's kind of indifferent to her to begin with. BUT he could actually play it up even more probably. The last conversation when she was crying and totally screaming on the phone he was just listening and saying well I don't care I'm still not doing switching the schedule, and related things. So he didn't budge. Which is good that he remained indifferent then. Thank you so much for that advice. I honestly feel a lot better about it!