First, I am sorry to hear about your health and surgery coming up. That is a stressful time for you and you need your loved one's support now more than ever! Your DH was a huge asshat at the wedding. I would have walked out and went home if it was me.

That is absolutely the worst story I have heard. I think it is time to sit your DH down and tell him how you feel and that you will NOT tolerate being second to Exwife - now or ever.

If he is not receptive - I suggest marriage counselling ASAP. You are heading into a very vulnerable period in your life and the last thing you need is insecure feelings about your worth to your husband.

I am so angry for you right now grrr.

Edited to add: Marriage counselling once you are well and strong after your surgery. Perhaps go stay with family for the recovery - you DO NOT NEED ANY EXTRA STRESS.

Lithasky, YOU must take care of YOU while dealing with these serious health issues. I am wishing you a good prognosis and a speedy recovery.

As others have noted, part of your recovery speed will be related to whether or not you have stress - so plan to get rid of it now. Do you have children or relatives you can stay with - then plan on having them pick you up from hospital and help you with your follow-up doctor visits or whatever else you need. Act as though your DH were on the other side of the world and could not help you - get others who care for you to help. Don't count on him being there and don't ask for his help with anything.

As for what I think ... well, I think the same thing you do. He is still in love with his ex wife.

Once you are on the road to recovery, you need to make a decision as to whether you want to be his "second choice" and be treated that way for the rest of your life, or move on to greater happiness - even if it's alone.

I'll tell you one thing - if my DH ever ditched me during my cancer health issues / surgery for his ex - I would not return after surgery and go hire the best lawyer I could find as soon as I healed!

Hello annd welcome! Glad you found this forum - it provides a lot of support, and support seems to be exactly what you need right now.

I agree with catlettuce, and 2Tired and 20years - you need to take care of your health first, heal in a stress free environment after the surgery, and then tackle your step-family dynamics. Put your family issues out of your mind. If you husband is supportive, use him. If not - find friends and family who will be with you every step of the way. I see you are in NYC - which is terrific! Lots of great doctors, surgeons, oncologists there. You must be in good hands, and we are all sending you positive vibes and healthy energy.

Your husband cannot afford to be as oblivious of your interests as he seems to be. If i was in your shoes, I would be very mad too. He needs a come-to-Jesus conversation with preferably someone who he holds in high esteem. Is there anyone who could say, if he continues down this path, he will be facing a very different set of problems? Do you have an ally who could become your advocate? That's a question for the future. For now, take good care of yourself and please post updates. Good luck with your surgery.

Hugs!!!

you are in my prayers, dear. once your see the fragility of life, you are more inclined to put up with less bs from anyone. put YOUR needs first. it seems your husbands thoughtlessness are out of guilt over the divorce. this is why men get so obsessive over their children.

This is long and disorganized; I apologize.

My father was married to a crazy shrew for 11 months. This was his second marriage. He hates this woman. This marriage was 21 years ago. He had a child with this nut job. Well, after she had my half sister and they were divorced, my father became a Disney dad. It was confusing to me and my sister (full blood sister) as we were raised in a strict environment, not spoiled, not entitled and we both worked for everything we had. We both moved out at 19, paid for our own cars, tuition, rent and car insurance. We both had no problem maintaining employment and never asked our parents for help. We probably turned out to be self sufficient young adults because of how we were raised.
Well, my half sister was spoiled beyond belief. My father feared her mother. Everytime her mother got mad at him, she would take their daughter and move across the country (I am not kidding). So as a result my father would chase her around the country so he could be with his daughter. It was a game and she loved the control she had. If she said "jump", my dad would say "how high" in fear that she would take his precious daughter away. It was really sad. She used PAS against him, accused him of touching my sister inappropriately when she was two years old during bath time. She even went as far as telling the police that he molested me as a child! I had to be interviewed by the police about these allegations and I was three months pregnant with my first son. I didn't need that stress. My father has never touched me inappropriately. As a result, my father learned how to kiss her and my sisters ass.

Everything handed to my sister on a golden platter. She is now 22. Of course she was horrible in school and got kicked out of regular high school due to being disrespectful to teachers and refusing to do her work. Her mother is crazy and gets fired from jobs after a couple months because she can't keep her mouth shut. My sister grew up over-indulged, spoiled and entitled. He pays her rent, gives her pocket money, and coddles her. He gives her whatever she wants. She can't hold a job. She lost her last job due to insubordination. She had a pony when she was younger, designer clothes and was never disciplined. She was given everything she wanted due to my fathers fear of her mother; the fear that she would take her away yet again. My father pays for her iPhone and just bought her a car. My father paid over $1,000 in ordered child support and would always pay at least $500 more a month just to keep the bitch happy. Of course she had no job, always had manicured nails and bought a brand new mustang. None of this was due to my father loving her. He hates her and he's told me so. He told me that she is the most evil person on earth.
So the bitch ex-wife gets pregnant by a one night stand. Guess what? When her baby was born, she asked my dad to be its father! He agreed! I love my father but what a fool! Now she has a new pawn to hold over his head. She did the same thing with this kid. She moved all over the country to punish my dad. She engaged in PAS activity. She called CPS on him for I don't even know what. It was the same scenario all over again. She hold this kid over my dad's head. It's sickening. BTW, he also pays for this kids iPhone. This kid is a know it all spoiled brat. He was spending time at my house every weekend last year for awhile (my dad asks me to have him over as my dad is renting a room from my mother and this kids mother doesn't want her son around my mother; long story). My mother is a kind, wonderful person. She is jealous of her.

So backtracking, anyways, this kid comes over to my house when my dad asks me to watch him for the weekend. This 15 year old, know it all brat tells me how to discipline my kids, criticizes my cooking, criticizes how I keep my house, treats my 11 year old like crap (blamed him for breaking his headphones for the xbox when in fact they broke because he left them on the floor and HE STEPPED ON THEM). This is the brat that hit my 42" flat screen and it shattered when it fell. Of course he wouldn't admit it, blamed my kids (oh, must have been one of them;I would never do that). This happened when I was out of town.
Unfortunately when my dad comes here to watch my boys (his grandsons who he loves and they love him) he brings his son over so he can spend time with him. This is fine as I don't have to see him or hear his voice. I do not allow him over anymore if I have to watch him. I refuse. His mom likes to pawn him off so she can sleep with the man of the day for the weekend. Thank god she's been through menopause so she can't get pregnant again and pawn off another kid on my dad.
If my dad were in the same situation as you have described about the wedding, he would too stand by his ex lunatics side all day if that is what she has wanted. My father has lost some really nice girlfriends and his third wife because of this piece of trash. He had a very classy girlfriend that I was hoping he'd marry; I loved her. Even my mother loved her. But sure enough, that tramp was jealous of her and chased her away after 5 years. Stupid tramp. It is my fathers fault that he lost these wonderful women as he has allowed this piece of garbage to run his life. So now the "son" that my father adopted is 15 and he's still scared to death of her as she will take the boy away from him again as she has done so many times. My father does whatever she wants. He would move heaven and earth to please her. It's disgusting.
The moral if this long story is that your DH might not love his ex at all. He could hate her the way my dad hates his ex. They just do it out of fear. Like I said, my dad lost some amazing partners because of this bitch. It could be that your DH is acting out of fear too.

Sorry, other people can only rule your life if you allow them to do it.

I am so very sorry to hear of your cancer and impending surgery. You certainly don't need any of this drama right now, but I'm sure you know that. My opinion may sound harsh, but it comes from a place of concern. (((HUGS))) for what it's worth.

What do I think? He is emotionally married to his ex.

And this: "Instead the ex had that honor and he danced with her not me."

I would have straight up left the reception, gone home, packed a bag and hired an attorney the next business day. That is the height of disrespect, and I'm sure the ex had (and is still having) a field day with that one. They both humiliated you. I would go so far as to say, this is unforgivable.

Here is my horror story of disrespect, and after that, I disengaged and I have been fine ever since:

My DH is jewish and I am Christian. My DH ex basically ruined my DH financially, house went into foreclosure , he had credit card debt up the ying yang, just really bad. He moved in with me, I am financially secure, managed to pretty much pay his debt off within 2 years, repair his credit , has a nice savings acct etc, basically thanks to me, he recovered nicely.

On Thanksgiving Dinner, his father who came visiting from Europe looks me straight in the face and says:
" My wife and I were so happy when our son married a jewish girl "

sat on MY table, ate MY food, in MY house, and tells me ( not jewish ) how happy he was when his son married a " jewish girl " who f'ed up his life and continues to try and do so?

I kicked the old man out of the house ( he moved into a hotel ) and forbade him to ever come to my house again. I have had no contact with him since and will never have again. Sometimes, you need to get that toxic sludge away from you . Happy Hotel Hunting, you rude old jerk !