Someone talk some sense into me!
I have never been one of those crazy jealous women. I am afraid I am overreacting about the current scenario, and I am not sure how to handle it. I am begging someone to talk some sense into me.
Background History: My boyfriend and his ex were together, off and on, for about 6 years and currently have a 4 year old son. They split up only a few months before we got together. She is now engaged to be married and is pregnant with her second child, so it seems as though she has moved on. I have been dating the father for about 6 months without any children of my own, but can see a strong future with him. I realize they have a child together and that is a special bond between two people. I am very respectful of their friendly relationship for their son.
My current irritation is coming from the fact that they are going on outing and such together. Last week, they went together and took their son to the local aquarium. Is this normal? I have never met split parents who take their children on outings together. His defense is that they are never alone, because her family always tags along too, but looking back at all the times that he and I have gone out, all but once his family has been there with us. I don't see much of a difference. Me joining in on the outings is pretty much out of the question, because she has disliked from first meeting me, which was long before they split up.
Also, just the other night, we were sitting on the couch watching a movie, and she calls. I hear her being upset about something, but from the context I picked up, I don't believe it had anything to do with their son. I don't understand why she feels the need to call her ex to gripe about anything that doesn't pertain to their child. Why can't her current SO listen to her problems?
This makes my blood boil because I know how close they are, and I know that he is probably running straight to her to rant about me being upset about this, and giving her yet another reason to dislike me.
I have pretty much disengaged myself from the relationship, that seems to be my defense mechanism. I just shut down all feelings and emotions. He is constantly on my case about what is wrong, like he doesn't already know. We have talked about it. If something doesn't change soon, it will be the end of us. I refuse to walk on egg shells day-by-day with no feelings. If he doesn't care to respect my opinion on the subject then he probably doesn't care about any of my feelings, right?
My main concern is confusion for the child. Every child from split parents want their parents back together. Is this giving their son false hope? They are all going places as a family. How is a 4 year old going to perceive this?
Does anyone have any advice. Can someone please convince me that I am overreacting? I hate feeling like this, it is something I have never experienced before. Thanks in advance for your help!
Ummmm...you have only been
Ummmm...you have only been dating for 6 months so I say run! He and BM are WAY to enmeshed with each other to have normal relationships with other people.
Find a nice childless man.
I have searched and searched
I have searched and searched for it, and cannot find it.
Seriously....This is not
Seriously....This is not normal. I've erased and erased things I'd planned to write in this space, but really all that should be said.....................RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN, don't look back, just keep running!
^^ Goodtimes- BM1 and BM3?
OP- not normal. They are still in an emotional relationship.
Friendly exchanges at pick ups etc. is one thing. Doing group outings? NO WAY. and this comment-
::Me joining in on the outings is pretty much out of the question, because she has disliked from first meeting me, which was long before they split up.::
before they split up? I'm confused.
I used to be friends with BMs
I used to be friends with BMs sister, so we met before.
get out. I had a similar
get out. I had a similar situation only I got pregnant, now we're engaged but he always seems to go to her. he quit this before we got engaged bc I went as far as moving out for a month so he got the hint. but now it just gets harder. save yourself, really.
but also- why does he give a
but also-
why does he give a rat's ass if she likes you or not? If you are good to his kids, that's enough.
Ya that needs to stop now.
Ya that needs to stop now. You have only been together 6 months, so its pretty new but if he wants to be serious and make a life with you then he needs to let her know that the meetings are stopping ASAP. My DH never had an actual "real relationship" before he got with me, so when we got together, it was a LOT of work to get it to where it is now.
He needs to make moves to show you that he is serious about you,and that you're not just some "chick" thats around until he finds something else.
Definitely NOT NORMAL!! When
Definitely NOT NORMAL!! When I started dating my SO - he was still on friendly terms with BM. He would go to her place to fix things around her house, arrange skids birthdays at BM's house where SO would attend all day and entertain guests etc etc.. This all stopped shortly after he met me because then SO learnt boundaries. He'd been single for 6 years after BM left him and thought he was being a good Dad. He was just so used to doing whatever BM wanted, that I think it just became sort of automatic with him.
After we started dating, he introduced boundaries and pretty much fought for his own freedom from BM. She was furious with him for doing this and told him straight out, that it was NOT in the best interests of their children, if he moved in with me. She was a hypocrite as she moved in with her lesbian lover a couple of months after dating and the kids only adapted because SO supported her.
Since SO stopped catering to her every whim - she has turned into a psycho nut who constantly tries to manipulate us.
In order to get SO to understand my confusion about his relatinship with BM, I actually blogged on the net - found this site. I read as much as I could to gain some understanding of why I felt as though I was invisible etc and ended up showing it to SO. This helped him IMMENSELY!! He saw through BM's bulshit and now stands up and supports our relationship 100%
Your hubby has to get on board with you 100% - If he doesn't, then he is still emotionally tied to his ex and isn't ready for a relationship with anyone else.
Not ok! Being friendly
Not ok! Being friendly because you don't despise your ex and you want to get along for the sake of the child is one thing, but your situation is another. You also said that she doesn't like you - this SHOULD cut some of the friendliness out between the bf and the ex (on his part) bc of the fact that she doesn't like you. He should protect you from that. Get out now! IMO, the BM is wayyyy worse than helping to raise the children. If BM is already this close, she won't go away easily.
Not ok! Being friendly
Not ok! Being friendly because you don't despise your ex and you want to get along for the sake of the child is one thing, but your situation is another. You also said that she doesn't like you - this SHOULD cut some of the friendliness out between the bf and the ex (on his part) bc of the fact that she doesn't like you. He should protect you from that. Get out now! IMO, the BM is wayyyy worse than helping to raise the children. If BM is already this close, she won't go away easily.
Don't you have the "One
Don't you have the "One va-jay-jay rule?" I do. It goes like this:
I'm in a relationship. I bring the va-jay-jay. My va-jay-jay is #1. If my va-jay-jay, and all that goes with her (brain, body, love, etc.) isn't #1 to my SO in words, actions, and attention then SO can go be with the #2 va-jay-jay. Good luck.
The end.
I will definitely have to
I will definitely have to remember this for future relationships.
Thank you!
Hell no! Get the fuck out! In
Hell no! Get the fuck out! In fact, if you can, go find a man without kids. If I could go back in time, I totally would. I love my DH but I wouldn't have gone there had I known what I was getting into. I could NOT deal with them going on outings and one day you WILL put your foot down and she will hate YOU for it and make your life fucking miserable. You will wish you ended it. I'm telling you... Leave. There are so many men out there that you could have a clean slate with where YOU are the center of their universe and not their BM. Her needs are more important then yours. You're right, the child will be confused and blame you for breaking them their family dynamic. It's just not worth it.
Wow..do you really think he
Wow..do you really think he would go talk poorly about you to his EX?! I do NOT think people should discuss relationship issues with other people, especially ex's..that is like opening a door for them to just walk back in.
I think it's very weird and creepy that she calls him to bitch and moan about anything that is not related to the skid. I would never, ever allow this.
As for their outings..again, that is just so beyond what I think is normal!
Unfortunately there really isn't any way for you to bring this up without him attacking you for being jealous (because clearly he doesn't agree with you.)
You could still get out of the relationship....
If they are on again off again why would he think it was ok to go do things with her?? THey have a HISTORY. Im sure this is the reason they are on again off again..because they can't stay away from each other.
I am about 99% sure that he's
I am about 99% sure that he's running to her to talk about our problems. We had, yet another, big fight about this topic again the other night, & I found out he was up texting her until 4am, then the following night they were up texting until 4am again. What else would they be talking about, other than bashing me?
I let him read this thread, and he understood & apologized that night. He begged me not to leave him because a bunch of strangers were telling me to. A week later, it was back to the same thing.
He left me because of my jealousy and how over dramatic I am. I personally feel like he needs to accept the fact that the two of them are still in love with each other. That's what I see, anyway. If they don't end up back together, I'd be surprised, but he won't easily find a woman who is okay with these actions. Very few women are going to allow you to have your cake & eat it too.
He begged you not to leave
He begged you not to leave him..and then he's back to the same thing? How much more do you need to know to accept that he just.does.not.love.you? His actions are speaking more than his words here.. and they are screaming a message right here..."I STILL LOVE MY EX WIFE".. this is why he keeps going back to her..!!
Kick his ass out darl - he's
Kick his ass out darl - he's in love wit his ex and you'll always, ALWAYS be second to him. Move on with your life and put him and his crap behind you.