"I hear about too many second wives who either openly make the first family unwelcome or subtly undermine the father's relationship. "

Somehow I doubt SMs will receive equal time. Someone send "Prudence" the book "Stepmonster' STAT!!

Your wife has wholly embraced her obligations

Aca-scuse me while I go barf.

"I hear about too many second wives who either openly make the first family unwelcome or subtly undermine the father's relationship. "

And yet nothing about how the "first family" treat the new wife like something they stepped in....

Most of it - Ok.

Yea..I actually think this one is a pretty good response. (they usually are not!)

Other than the talk about her 'obligations' which I think was just poor word choice, I think it's a good answer. It doesn't make him feel bad for his feelings, but it lets him know that he is being a little irrational.

I have to hand it to prudence..
she's a very self-less woman, who understood her situation better than most. She went in with her eyes wide open. She knew that loving her husband, meant sacrificing her being #1 in an already functioning famiky dynamic.. I actually respect SM who seem to be able to handle the array of feelings, when jumping into the lions den.
I know we vent our frustrations on this site, thank god for releasing negative energy, but women like this, also seem to have a more understanding DH. In order to sacrifice ourselves, by being complacent and unbiased towards SK, you have to somewhere know, your on the same page as DH.
What really helped me thru my ordeal, was when things got really rough, I would put myself in SD shoes, ( even tho I was fortunate to have cone from an intact family). I had a great father growing up, and I tried to imagine how I would feel if my father, divorced, and I was dealing with a SM who was desparetely trying to find her place in his life?
I wasn't raised to disrespect my elders, and my father wasn't a daddy, but a dad to me. I know I would have struggled in trying to find my place as well? But, I also know I wouldn't behave like my SD had either?
I would most likely mourn the loss of my place and move on!
Would my father be the type to treat me like a princess? And do the guilty daddy thing? NO... Knowing him, he still would have stood his ground and probably tell me , to grow up! I knew he loved me by his effortless actions hruout my life, he hardly ever if ever said the words!!
The words "I love you" are meaningless if their not supported by an action.
Even tho this SM said, she did it out of obligation, her actions to me were more than that! I bet there was less drama in that household!
every time I found myself seething with resentment towards SD , i realized the only difference between how she is behaving and how putting myself in her shoes, I would behave? Is the Father..and how he is behaving..

I think the response was good

I don't do anything for my DH's eldest daughter any more including inviting her into my home very often, based on her abusive treatment towards me over the years. With that said, the things I do regularly such as attend little SGS's events for example, or of course be civil and polite to DH's daughter during DH's family get togethers, are all done in support of DH, and out of common courtesy to others, and even understanding and forgiveness of her issues but no real love for her or desire to be close to her any longer

What I do for YSD is much easier of course because she generally is a sweetheart to me, but again, it is to support my DH. DH knows this of course, and yet it amazes me how he will thank anyone in his family for so much as acknowledging me but forgets to acknowledge the many things I do for his family - it's simply expected.

Would be nice for my DH to read this post and maybe think about showing more appreciation, and instilling this in his children too would go a long way to making everyone happier I think!

I never intended it to turn out this way..disengaging when it comes to my hubby and his SD12 and SS15..in fact I looked forward to all of us being a family and a happy family at that since I love the kids to pieces and I know they love me too.

Problem is, Disney Daddy doesn't "parent", has spent tons of money that we needed for bills on the kids..and the list goes on and on.

I used to love to spend my own money spoiling the kids..used to send them Valentine's Day packages..had fun buying them little "surprises" that I put on their beds when they got here, etc. Used to load the fridge full of all kinds of little surprises also..all the things they loved.

At least SD makes SOME sort of an effort..through Daddy,I'm sure, since I made a mention about how ungrateful they were..and I'm sure that's where the half hearted thank you came from. SS..ppppttt..him say a work of thanks?? Yeah right!! My hubby excuses it as them just being "kids".

Tired of the excuses and them being soo ungrateful. I've tried to make great rooms for both of the kids, but all they do is leave their clothes all over the floor...take food and soda into their rooms..and leave everything in sight sticky and abused.

I bought each of them really neat drawer spaces (not cheap!!) where they could store their things but in a matter of days, my SD had broken three out of six drawers by slamming them in and out, while later coming downstairs and telling us, "I didn't mean to break them..."

Good GAWD..Seriously??!

SS15 pulled them all out and had them sitting all over his room, overfilling them with all his "junk" and when he went to pick them up..the bottoms fell out.

Yeesh!!

Mind you..this wasn't junk I bought but good quality stuff and they both still found a way to trash it.

I just rolled my eyes as Disney Daddy never said a word about them taking better care of their things.

It doesn't stop at that. SD has trashed FIVE laptop computers in FOUR years. Makes me sick!! All I hear is, "I didn't mean to.." as Daddy goes out and buys her a new one every time. We tried going the warranty way where you could practically throw it off a mountain and they'd guarantee it..ONCE..but she used that one up..and just trashed the next one!! So completely careless regarding all her things, but if Daddy's going to provide every time she trashes something, how the hell is she supposed to learn to take care of her things.

I spoke to him about this but his reply was, "Kids will be kids.." UGH!!

They trash the house everytime they come here..throw their coats on the floor in the Winter (while kicking them out of their way). Found SD coat underneath the kitchen table...it layed there all day, I finally got tired of it, picked it up and threw it on the table. Daddy says, "Why didn't you hang that up.." and her answer was, "Oh, it fell.." It didn't FALL..she threw it on the floor and I SAW her kick it underneath the table!!

They leave their dishes in the sink until they're piled higher than hell (until I finally DO them!!) complain that there's nothing to eat (although I'd stocked the fridge full of all their faves), etc.

It took a few years, and I never thought I'd get to this point, but I've completely disengaged from this BS..

When my hubby and I got married, we'd agreed that we were now a family and we'd agree on discipline, etc. I've realized now that it'll never happen..he's Disney Daddy. Both of his kids need to be treated with "kid gloves". He's gotten away with talking down to me in front of the kids (and I put the brakes on that one BIG TIME..he'll never do THAT again..) and this last time we had the kids..he threw me under the bus regarding money. He wanted to buy some big expensive computer thing for himself and when we spoke about it privately, although he works his butt off for our family..I nicely told him that we couldn't really afford it and bills came first...and once bills were paid..he could go ahead and get it.

Well..breakfast time the next morning, hubby brings up this computer over and over..and SD said, "You should just get it Dad". Hubby came back with, "Your stepmom says I can't get it.." SD says, "Why not..I think he should get to get it." My reply was, "I NEVER said you couldn't have it honey..I merely said that we should get our bills paid first.." as he says, "Yeah but you said I couldn't get it."

I'll tell you..I got up and walked away from THAT one!! How childish.

This crap goes on every time we have the kids.

I hate that I've had to disengage from all of it but I just can't stand it anymore. When my hubby and I are by ourselves, he is wonderful..it's when we have the kids that I can no longer take the lack of discipline..the lack of parenting, him talking down to me, throwing me under the bus, etc. This last time when we finally had some privacy, I called him on ALL of it and I doubt he'll do it again as he said, "I didn't mean to do it.." and my reply was, "Funny..the apples don't fall far from the trees, do they??"

I told him I soo wanted to be a part of our "so called" family, but I could no longer handle the lack of discipline and parenting on his part and from here on in, I'd continue to love the kids like no tomorrow..however..if they were mine..I'd be raising them a lot differently.

They're his kids and I'll be a support system I guess...but I've done my best and have finally realized that they're always going to be his kids..I'm just a sidekick..

Thank goodness I have this group to vent to. I'm glad I'm not alone!!

Embraced her obligations? :? I take it Prudence is not a step parent.

I'm not sure what he's complaining about. She's a keeper!

Love takes an awful long time, if it happens with step kids at all. It would help if these parents actually did some parenting.

I don't think any one of us went into this thinking that we'd either end up running a mile or disengaging. I'm sure that we've all gone through the perfect parenting stage until these kids get affected by a bitter BM or Disney dad and start treating us like something they stepped in (pardon the pun).

When we've finally been discarded, or walked away (often losing money in the process), they can find some other naive soul to take our place and then repeat the same thing, learning nothing. Those of us who have done this before wouldn't repeat it, women who don't want children wouldn't touch them so they are left with the naive versions of ourselves to ruin.

My only obligation now is not to damage the child more than he is. Everything else went out of the window when he spat at me and called me names. When his father allowed that, all obligations that it's perceived step parents have, disappeared.

It is much easier to fault the SParent than the often evil toxic previous family spawn and their often equally evil and toxic other parent.

Few in a public position seem to ever recognize that the X and the spawn are far more often the cause of blended family drama than a SParent is.