Delicate Situation
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Hi my husband and I are the custodial parents of his 8 year old daughter. We believe we may be pregnant. This will be my first child. How would you suggest telling my stepdaughter as well as her mom. This is a delicate situation. We have created a very stable environment for my stepdaughter in our home (her dad has had her full time for 2 years now) and I fear that her mom might be more inclined to "want her back" because we're expecting.
I should also note that DH
I should also note that DH and I are newlyweds. It's been almost a year.
I would talk to your husband.
I would talk to your husband. He will most likely know how BM will react and how best to handle her. In reality there is no need to tell SD until it starts to become obvious, and there is no need to tell BM until SD knows. Personally I would probably tell SD a few days before she next sees her mother so she can ask questions and get used to the idea. Then get your husband to tell BM the basic facts before she collects SD (you're pregnant, due date and that you've told SD). If your husband's custody is court ordered and BM want's SD back then she can go to court to fight for custody with all the expense and hassle that involves. I would have thought that the addition of a baby to the family isn't a good reason (in the courts mind) to change established custody arrangements but I don't have any experience so I don't know.
I haven't had to go through this yet so these are just my thoughts. Others may have better ideas.
Thanks so much for your
Thanks so much for your feedback. I will definitely give the responsibility of telling BM to DH. BM used it to manipulate him when he first garnered custody because he would try to make sure they maintained a relationship. Now that he's grown more confident, her manipulation attempts are shut down quickly. The custody isn't court-ordered. It's just an agreement between them, but BM doesn't have the resources to raise her at this point. Plus I think she really would just rather live the life of a single child-free woman as she has three other adult daughters and SD is 8. I also think she had SD to try to "save" the relationship but that's another story.
First, I wouldn't tell her
First, I wouldn't tell her until after the first trimester. (Not to be a downer, but the last thing you want is to have to explain miscarriages, or to have to tell BM about one.)
As for how to tell SD, "You're going to be a big sister! We're so glad we have you here, your new baby brother or sister is going to LOVE having you for a big sister." Hopefully she'll be thrilled.
I agree with pp about how to tell BM. Tell her just before she sees SD, and have DH give her the facts and nothing more. From what I've seen, a judge isn't terribly likely to change custody for the sole purpose of making sure a kid doesn't see their sibling, so try not to worry on that score.
CONGRATS by the way!!
Thanks so much for your
Thanks so much for your feedback. Yeah I planned to tell her after that time limit but I'm not sure if I or DH should tell her. She's his only child and the literature that I've read has said for the BP to tell the child. I'm sure she will be drilled as she's been asking for a little brother.
As far as the BM, I'm sure DH will let her know as little as possible. I never considered the time frame so this is a real eye opener as far as that. The "arrangement" is every other weekend. We don't have court-ordered custody, BM just doesn't have the resources and desire to raise SD at this time. I hope she'll remain with us until college but she'll be able to decide that for herself in a few years.
Thanks again.
Thanks for your feedback.
Thanks for your feedback. We've tried to talk about the possibility here and there. She wants a little brother and prefers more traditional names. She loves fashion so that would be the best way to involve her I think. I should also mention that she has a niece, two years old, and that her mom has three other adult children. I think the niece has prepared her for the reduced attention, but we'll see when she has to share Dad. She's been doing pretty good with sharing him with me though.
Why do you have to tell BM at
Why do you have to tell BM at all?
Maybe most won't agree with me, but it seems to be SD's business, but I really don't see how it is BM's? SD can tell BM if she wants to.
I am just of the idea of don't poke the bear. I think the BM is going to feel threatened by the pregnancy and the new sibling. No need to go bragging to her about it. At least that's how our BM would take it. And she'd be mad if she wasn't consulted, as if she has any say. Our BM is of no help though. I would feel differently if she was going to be a help with Skids adjustment, but she would be nothing but a hinderance. And she'll be a hinderance whether she knows beforehand or if it comes from the skids.
Maybe I'm missing something.
^^this^^ Our Bm up'd the
^^this^^
Our Bm up'd the crazy when she finally found out I was pregnant. We didn't tell her, I'm assuming ss told her.
Well just today, I've gained
Well just today, I've gained valuable insight as to her priorities. For some reason she decided to tell SD that she was coming to pick her up for the weekend and went out of town for her birthday instead. I now see that we have nothing to worry about as far as her wanting to be a full-time parent to her daughter. It really annoys me that she makes these promises to her and doesn't deliver and makes it seem like we're the ones making the decisions as to when SD visits. As far as telling her, I'd rather DH tells her for the simple fact that she (BM) likes to send messages through SD and I don't feel like an 8yo should have to play mediator between her parents. I'm a child of divorce and it's ridiculous to put that pressure on a child when the adults can be adults about the situation. DH is supposed to talk to SD about her apparent disappointment of today's events and clarify that she can see BM whenever she wants. We've even set up a Skype account that BM doesn't take advantage of. IF you wanted to see and take care of your child, you would. PERIOD.
Just tell SD. As for telling
Just tell SD. As for telling BM, don't. It is none of her business. If your DH does not have CO'd custody then he needs to bet to court and get it ASAP to get some stability for SD-8 and prevent BM from disrupting what has been working well for the last 2yrs.
IMHO of course.
Congratulations on the new baby and good luck.