Seems like this is the norm-DH afraid of BM
Long time lurker, first time poster.
DH & I have been married for 3 years. I have one BS and one SS13. DH has been divorced from BM for 6 years and has visitation 4 days a month.
Reading through these posts, it seems the ongoing theme is that DH/SO's are afraid of BM.
I have the same problem. BM makes 4 times more than DH.Through out their divorce, she filed over 20 motions for every little thing. Out of all of them, one stuck. Her goal was to ruin him financially and force him to file for bankruptcy. Fortunately, he was able to borrow money from family so that never happened.
Fast forward to our relationship. Pretty much from the start, whatever she wanted, she got; she makes the rules. He gets two weeks over the summer. She decided he only gets one. He was suppose to have him Christmas Eve (per the divorce decree), she decided he could have him a few hours Christmas day. All this changed when she began dating her now boyfriend. Then it turned into her insisting he needed to take him over the ENTIRE summer or pay half of child care. Everything was and is linked to money. She knows he does not make anywhere near what she does and uses it to her advantage.
DH has admitted to me that he knows if he does not "obey" her, she will take him to court and will also alienate SS from DH. This is what is actually going on now. He has finally stood up for himself, and for the first time, she lost in court 
Because of this loss, we have not seen SS since January. When he talks to DH he tells him that all he has to do to see him is to comply with BM. :jawdrop:
So now DH is in the position of standing his ground and keeping his balls or giving them back to BM so he can see his son again.
I am tired of living in fear of this woman. She's the one who filed for divorce yet she still needs to be in control of him.
First, document
First, document everything.
Second, your husband should do the research for your state and know his rights. Knowledge is power. These kinds of women think they hold all the cards but that is not necessarily so.
Your husband can file contempt charges if she is violating a court order regarding visitation.
If BM insists on taking him to court over frivolous things, your husband should sue her for court costs and attorney fees.
The more he stands up for himself, the better. It might get worse at first but he has to keep standing his ground.
I think that many DH's are
I think that many DH's are almost traumatized by the (commonly) ugly divorce and they want to do anything to avoid living through those horrible moments or anything similar to that again. Courts are so impersonal and often favor the mother. My DH is a pretty strong man, very smart, certainly earns more than BM, but I still see glimpses of fear in him and this pathetic need to gain BM's respect (which will never happen).
I think guilt plays a strong hand here as well.
My husband did start standing up for himself more and stopped letting BM dictate every situation and she has backed down significantly. I remind him to keep his daughter's best interest at the core of every interaction and decision and he usually does.
I think there are times when it is more important for the child to see that their parent has a backbone and stands up for themselves even if it means the kid isn't going to spend time with their parent. Kids will be drawn to the stronger parent, money doesn't have to equal power. This kid will likely grow up resenting that his mother threw money around to influence their relationship with their father.
I totally agree with
I totally agree with "beaccountable" on this one...
In my bride's case it was not
In my bride's case it was not that she was afraid of the Sperm Idiot or the Sperm Clan but that she was afraid for SS. She worried that if she held the Sperm Clan accountable to the CO they would take it out on SS when he was in Sperm Land on visitation.
So for years she would let them get away with failing to comply with the CO. Until I finally got her to see that they were taking crap out on SS regardless of my bride giving them everything they wanted once the CO was issued. Once she gained clarity she finally realized that the CO and holding the Sperm Clan to it without exception was in the best interests of the Skid and the only way to protect him and our family from their manipulative vitriolic crap.
Your DH needs the same lesson. If BM does not surrender SS on schedule for visitation then DH needs to immediately file a motion of contempt against BM. He needs to do it each and every time. If she so much as burps out of alignment with the CO he needs to beat the shit out of her with a rolled up copy of the court order (Figuratively of course). Sure, she has the financial advantage but loading the court and CPS/CSE records up with her repeated demonstrated violations of the CO will eventually force a judge to smack the piss out of her.
If she wants SS to spend the summer with his dad then she needs to ask. Only if he agrees can she actually do it. As for her threat to make him pay half of summer day care costs, that is nothing but an idle threat and a load of bullshit. Your DH is not obligated to pay one penny more than what is ordered in the CO regardless of what horse shit that BM pulls out of her ass.
Your DH needs to get a copy of the CO, a copy of any supplemental rules that apply in the county where the CO was ordered and a copy of any state rules and regulations regarding Custody/Visitation/Support. My bride and I kept full copies of those docs in our home office and a full copy at each of our work offices. When Sperm Grandma of the Sperm Idiot would call to start shit my DW would text me or email me then conference me in to the call. They never knew I was on the call. I would send DW comments and specific sections of the CO and supplemental county and state rules as well as anything from our resident state that would give us an advantage when countering their toothless moron toxic vitriolic crap.
Your DH needs to realize that BM can only do what is in the CO unless your DH allows her to do otherwise. He also needs to realize that he must protect his son from the shallow and polluted end of the kid's gene pool which is clearly the manipulative hag of an XW/BM and that the best tool for doing that is the CO.
Just my thoughts of course.
Good luck.