16 Year Old Stepson OUT OF CONTROL!
Quick History Lesson first:
2008 married my High School sweetheart after being apart 22 years. In that time I had been married/divorced twice with a child from each. She had been married once with 1 child. Her Husband committed suicide when child was 10.
When we got together I foolishly thought that her son now fatherless would accept me as his new Forever Dad. I am an IDIOT! These have been the most difficult 6 years of my life.
He is almost 17 now. He openly talks to my wife & I about smoking weed. He drinks ALOT. He is failing 10th grade completely. F's across the board. He comes and goes as he pleases. Stays out all night. Has friends come over at all hours even during the week. He smokes cigarettes behind my wife's back. Go figure that THAT is the one thing she has chosen to take a stand on. But I find the butts all over the yard and in the garage. She ignores them. Then chides me for trying to get him in trouble if I complain about them.
He doesn't contribute to the household in any way. Doesn't clean after himself or his friends. He Throws angry (sometimes violent) tantrums when he doesn't get his way. Cursing. F bombs everywhere. I hate You. F'ing bitch, Shut up whore, etc. Sometimes resulting in holes in the walls. broken furniture, dent in the car fender, etc... She doesn't punish him at all. Threatens but has NEVER EVER carried through on ANY punishment. He now says he is quitting school because he doesn't need an education to be a drug dealer. My wife is struggling to keep him in school. She has now signed him up for an online HS academy for next year. I KNOW that will fail. He will do as he always does... Start off for a week or two to show her that he is trying and when he realizes that he actually has to do work. He will just stop. He'll sleep late, stay up all night, hang out with his loser friends, and she will continue to make excuses for him.I don't even get into it anymore because she gets furious at me if I try to reign him in saying that I do not want to come between them.
I have tried so hard in the past to convince her that she wasn't doing him any favors by trying to be his friend instead of his parent. I even wrote a very pain filled letter 3-4 years ago where I explained that watching all of this is like sitting helplessly on the back of a run-away train watching all the while KNOWING that it is eventually going to go off the tracks. I have been accused of being unfair. Not caring for him. Not understanding. The list is long as to why a lot of this is my fault.
I fear we are nearing the end of those tracks. All I can do is pray that he doesn't take us all down in flames with him.
Can anybody HELP?
Listen guy you CANNOT save
Listen guy you CANNOT save him. You cannot keep her from trying. He's using drugs making you and mom irrelevant except to feed and house him. He goes to school just enough to keep the gig going. She is never going to toss him out which is what he needs.
Like the person said above. Get out. If you leave the two of them will have to figure out who to blame and it can't be you. How you can fail to see this is beyond me. Just by being there you're a large part of the problem as defying you gives him power over you and her.
Tell her that you'll support her by phone and in person whenever he is not around but you're not watching the final acts. When he is out of the home you'll return but if she contemplates letting him back you'll leave again.
Do both of them a favor and remain away and out of sight.
Listen I guarantee you this. You'll not find the solution here. Not one one hundredth of a solution. Any suggested solution involving you will not work. You're the poison that keeps this going although it may be too late to stop it until he hits bottom. Give them the one chance, the shock they need, to try and find a way to work together without the constant fights with you.
Try this. Very affordable
Try this. Very affordable both for in state and out of state tuition as far as top tier military boarding schools are concerned. It is a top 20 in the nation boarding school.
http://www.nmmi.edu/
It worked well for my SS, at least until the Sperm Idiot hacked the school fire wall so he and the Skid could spend all night nearly every night gaming together. With bio dad not for this world you should not have this problem.
Military school. It works wonders with incorrigible teens. They either catch a clue or they are so miserable that they eventually pull their heads out of their asses.
If your bride does not pull her head out of her own ass and catch a clue this kid is a lost cause. IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Thank you for all of your
Thank you for all of your comments and advice.
I know that at this point the situation is not likely to change. It is just a matter of time before he moves out. He has been talking about it for months. He wants to find a place where he can go be with his friends, smoke, drink, and party as much as he wants without his Mom or (ME mostly) bitching about his activities.
You guys just can't imagine what an impossible situation this is...
1. You have the Bio Dads Suicide. He uses it EVERY TIME he does something stupid to make his Mom feel guilty. It doesn't matter how bad it is. He gets off with her because he just starts crying, and blaming his dad and she just melts and starts crying. Next thing you know he is completely off the hook, and back doing the same shit or worse. And as an outsider without the emotional connection, I can see the BS and it drives me crazy. He has her wrapped around her finger with this crap. And of course if I dare say anything about his insincerity, She blows up at me... "When your child finds his Dad in a ditch with half of his head blown off, then you can lecture me!"
...Like I said Impossible!
2. Type I diabetes. Last year about March 2013 he was diagnosed with TID. (The PERFECT excuse)
Exploits it for his benefit.
I know that TID is a serious condition. But it infuriates me how he A) ignores it for his benefit, and
He ignores it, because he doesn't want to take the time to BG check, and medicate. Acts like he doesn't even have TID. This alone is a source of DAILY arguments between him and her. I hear "I will Mom' 20 times a day.
He exploits it... To get out of going to school in the morning. He gets out of class. He gets out of going anywhere with the family, (Grandparents and such) because of it. He gets in his car and leaves school and comes home because his 'sugar' is low. and etc..and on and on...
3. The Marijuana use is out of control. Make no mistake. He is doing it a lot in his room. He has his mother convinced that it is his medication, and he needs it to cope with all of the pain from his Dads death, and the stress he is under. PUHLEASE. What stress? He goes and comes as he pleases. Goes to school or not as he chooses. Hangs out with his loser friends anytime he wants to. What a life. I only wish I could live stress free like that.
4. The outbursts...
Usually these are brought on by him not getting what he wants. And more often than not he ends up getting what he wanted after a lot of things got broken, stuff smashed, scraped knees, broken hand, Crying, Screaming, Suicide threats, Unhindered cursing, angry threats, and insults. It almost always ends with him and his Mom hugging and crying about 'Why did his Dad have to kill himself?' That leads to her melting her resolve, and consoling him, and Voila! He gets off again.
I'm telling you folks, This is one for Dr Phil here.
As for me leaving. I can't. I am disabled, Broke my back a few years ago on the job. EVERY dime I have and what little income I have is tied up in this place. I just keep praying that We can hold on until the day he moves out.
As for our marital relationship, pretty much the only thing we ever have fought about is him.
I know that he is destined for failure, prison, and maybe worse. I have tried so many time to talk to him. to try and reason with him. I have explained that his choices are going to end him up in jail or worse. He will talk and listen, but the end result is He just doesn't care. He has one aspiration in life. "Smoke weed, Get Drunk, and F*%k Bitches..."
I tried a different approach the other day. I asked him what he thought prison would be like like. He said "it ain't that bad. I know people." I told him "You don't know shit!" Out here you're popular, you got running buddies, the girls like you, etc...
In there, you will be all ALONE! Every aspect of your survival will be 100% completely out your own control. Where you eat, sleep, bathe, work, relax, workout, piss, shit and survive will be dictated by somebody else. Either Guard or Prisoner, but you will have ZERO control.
His reply... "SO!"
I said "alright tough guy. Have you given this any thought?"
Out here you have your friends and girlfriends.
In there you are just a 5'6"/140 lb pretty white boy with blonde hair and a baby face. How long do you think it'll be before some 6'6"/250 lb Black guy, pins you down in the shower and claims you as his "Bitch"? (I'm not racist! Just trying anything I can think of to scare him straight!) I have to admit, his reaction to that was the first time I've ever seen a small crack in his armor... He got very silent.
I don't know what the answer is. I just hope he grows up and figures out how to be a productive adult. He is breaking his mothers heart. And If anything tragic ever happens, I don't know that she would survive it.
I am a stepmother (even
I am a stepmother (even though I am trying to forget) and I have a SS17 who is not that out of control but he is just as destructive in a different way. He is almost sociopathic, and narcissistic. He lies, plays the victim, is rude and abusive and disrespectful when he doesn't get his way. But then he goes out and acts like an angel in front of everyone and complains to the school counsellor about how we are abusing him, and people believe him because they can't see how he is at home. He is a miserable person who wants to make everyone around him miserable - he can't stand seeing anyone else happy.
My husband was the same - too permissive and I remember saying about 10 years ago that he needed to sort SS out or he would be a nightmare when he became a teenager. I was the only voice of reason and discipline but he didn't listen to me so now he has issues.
If your wife is not on your side I'm afraid you have even bigger problems than just your SS. The only hope would be to kick him out when he's 18 but doesn't sound like your wife would be into that. I threatened to leave if my SS wasn't sorted out, and I was completely serious, that's how miserable I was (and I have two BSs) and DH saw that he had to do something.
Definitely counselling is your last hope.