Stepson's future wife's bridal shower
My DH and I have a blended family of 5 adult boys. I have 2 bio and 3 step but we consider all of them our sons. I get along great with his ex. We live about 12 hours away from my DH's sons. One of them is getting married and adore his future wife.
My issue is they constantly treat my husband disrespectfully. For example, they call on Christmas day at 5-6pm. My DH gets a Happy Birthday text or holiday message via text or FB and not a call (most of the time). I rarely get a thank you for gifts etc.
So my SS is getting married and they are having a bridal shower right away. No one has considered travel needs on my part. I mentioned that we are going to a wedding which I am the Matron of Honor mid June. The week before is the shower. And it's on a Sunday afternoon.
I'm considering traveling up there two weekends in a row. My Mom who is close to my SS was never invited to the shower. I'm just so tired of the disrespect to me and my family. So I mentioned it to my SS's mother. She told me my Mom will be invited. A few weeks later I can tell there is no invite to my Mom. So I kindly mentioned it to my future DIL's mother via email. She said she had no idea who was invited (a fib) and that it is a small venue. So I asked to please send her an invite. I found out via my SS's mother that her step-sister was not invited either. But she probably won't say anything. I'm tired of the disrepect.
So within a couple of hours my SS is calling my husband. But since I was in the car nothing was said. The next morning my husband got a call. Everyone is upset about inviting my mother. My SS was upset at us because his future wife cried all night over this. So I got upset at my DH because I felt like my husband sold me out and didn't straighten out the lack of repsect they are showing.
So I wrote a short note to the bride's mother saying I'm so sorry I can't make the shower. Due to traveling to a wedding the following weekend and the fact of the shower is on a Sunday afternoon... it is financially difficult for me to attend. I graciously said I appreciated the invite to my mother and that I hope She was a beautiful shower. Hope she understands.
My husband is claiming that I am setting the stage of my relationship with her over this shower. I said the stage was already set by the series of events leading up to this already. Either way this is handled I am still the disrespected one and I refused to continue "sucking it up" at the expense of my wallet and feelings.
I feel like not going to this shower will be the smartest decision. I'm over the drama! LOL Thoughts?
Also just bc your Mom has a
Also just bc your Mom has a good r'ship with your SS, doesn't mean the STBSDIL feels the same way. Maybe she was only inviting HER close friends and HER family.
good advice... thanks.
good advice... thanks.
All I can say is that once
All I can say is that once you mentioned inviting your Mom, you should have dropped it. It is the bride's shower, not yours.
When my DD got married, I gave the advice of you should invite your paternal family, but if you don't want to then I will stand by you bc It is YOUR wedding/shower.
I stay out of both my adult DD and DIL decisions on events bc it is for them, not me or anyone else.
"No one has considered travel
"No one has considered travel needs on my part."
I am sorry, but I had trouble reading after this. Unless you are the guest of honor, I think it's incredibly selfish and self-centered to expect the bride's mother to let the groom's step-mother dictate not only the timing but also the guest list of HER shower! If you were the groom's actual mother and BM was not in the picture, I still am not sure such deference to you would be warranted. I am sure there are many, many people who are close to the bride (and the bride's mother, who is hosting the party) whose "travel needs" and other considerations they have to take into account.
I do read that you consider your SSs like your bios, which I think is swell, and they may even consider you as a second mother, but I think this highlights the problem with that false reality. Certainly to the world (and apparently not to SS's fiancée and her family), you are NOT their BM.
I think the gracious thing to have done if you are not available is just to let them know you are sorry you can't make it and send a gift. And I certainly would not have insisted that anyone in MY family be invited to something that I wasn't hosting. I will add that, while your SDIL-to-be sounds incredibly immature if she really did "cry all night" over the request that your mother be invited, she is going through a stressful time in her life and doesn't need any more demands.
I think the best thing for you to do is simply "disengage" so you don't get your feelings hurt. My SSs (both grown) NEVER call for holidays, birthdays, etc. and we don't expect them to because, sadly, we understand that is the way they are. MY MOTHER (who was quite close to SSs when they were growing up) sent a gift to oldest SS and his wife when their baby was born and got NO acknowledgement whatsoever. That is who they are. I have learned t to protect myself by not expecting anything from them and doing for SSs when I know it will make my DH happy (since I know HE appreciates it) and not expecting anything from SSs (or their SOs) so therefore, I am not disappointed.
I certainly wasn't trying to
I certainly wasn't trying to be "selfish" and I understand it's not my shower. I've known the bride since she was in 3rd grade and this SS is the one I'm closest to since my oldest son and this SS were friends before my DH and I dated. I guess I just expected them to be considerate but you're right... just let it go.
Great advice... disengage and spare my feelings.
I do think you should have
I do think you should have called your DIL directly. No reason to circumvent her. I also think, no reason to go if you have other stuff going on. Send a gift or make the wedding gift a nice one. I would mention the disrespect to your SS directly, but not until things have calmed down after the wedding.
its actually rude on your
its actually rude on your part to question a guest list for an event or suggest someone be invited.
second, showers are typically for people that the bride is very close to. are you very close to the bride? regardless, no reason that they should be planning the wedding, shower or other related events around YOUR availability.
Wasn't trying to be rude nor
Wasn't trying to be rude nor was I expecting the event to be around my schedule. Actually we are all close... my feelings were hurt. I have a stepmom... and my sister was very sweet and considerate. But I get it... it's none of my business.
My SS is considered a
My SS is considered a grandson to my parents. My parents used to live in Florida and he went down with my other son to visit them. And he works in their restaurant once in a while.
But great advice... I'm going to send a gift and let it go. I guess I need to understand my place.
Thanks Cat I'm actually just
Thanks Cat
I'm actually just as hurt for my DH's ex wife... they aren't including her at all and she is so hurt. This is her first wedding for one of her boys. And her step sister wasn't invited to the shower either. My DH thought with me saying something about my Mom it would make them realize they were forgetting important people... but you are right...
I already sent a gift up. I'll send a sweet card and some money. Maybe there are some people she wanted to invite and now will be able to if My Mom and I don't go.
They did not invite the
They did not invite the groom's mother? That's kind of rude.
Whoa... they invited smom but
Whoa... they invited smom but not BM?? That sounds so weird to me! I suppose that's sort of a backhanded compliment, but... yeah, that just wouldn't sit right with me unless there's a LOT more to this story.
They invited BM but not her
They invited BM but not her step sister. Actually they asked for a list but she has no idea who is invited to the shower or the wedding.
So, they invited BM to the
So, they invited BM to the shower but other than that, they are not including her in the wedding plans? That still sucks.
Oh, I see. Well, if BM (and
Oh, I see. Well, if BM (and your DH I'm guessing?) aren't paying for anything then you don't get a whole lot of say in that sort of stuff. And in that case, I agree with SMto2 below - you and BM should plan a separate shower (but talk to SS first!), maybe a "couple's shower", for SS and FSDIL. Sounds like BM would love to have something nice to do for her son to celebrate, and it also sounds like FSDIL's family might be a tad inconsiderate of SS's family.
I wasn't picking a battle...
I wasn't picking a battle... Nor would I ever take the BM's shine away. I get a long with her and she has a great relationhip with us. While I was talking to the BM I just asked if my Mom was invited. I asked her not to say a word (clearing not wanting to make a problem) and then she text me back and said she was now invited. My Mom and Dad we personally told about the engagement by my SS and we held a big family dinner at the restaurant.
Believe me... after the unneccessary drama over a simple invite to my my mother... i'm over thinking we were someone important. I'll stand quietly at the wedding by my husband.
Also she posted she's the
Also she posted she's the Matron of Honor, so she does have a role in the day.
My mistake.....you're a matron of honor for someone else around the same time.
Never mind!
Yeah my friend is getting
Yeah my friend is getting married the following weekend.
The kids are getting married at the end of Sept and she is having her shower in June.
I am confused by what you
I am confused by what you mean when you say they "are not including [BM] at all." You said that you had discussed with BM the fact that your mom hadn't been invited, and BM said your mom would be be invited, which led me to believe that BM is communicating with these people and was invited! SO BM is not invited?? Or do you mean BM is not being included on the planning (or apparently the guest list), though she IS invited?
It sounds to me like the shower is really for FSDIL's family and friends. Having heard that even BM's family is not all being invited, if I were you and on such great terms with the Ex, I'd suggest a separate shower for the GROOM's collective side of the family (meaning DH's family, BM's family and your family.) There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, and then you all not only can invite anyone and everyone you want, but you can graciously ask the bride's mother to attend simply as a social event that precludes the wedding. (And of course, you would not invite the rest of the bride's family.) I think this would be a lovely gesture for the happy couple and let them know that you just want to spread the love!
This is exactly why I will
This is exactly why I will only be at guest at skid's wedding should I stay married to her father.
ETA to remove Matron of Honor question. I read your post incorrectly.
Great advice. I know I don't
Great advice. I know I don't want to be "that" person. Even if anything I do is meant with good intentions... I'm always going to be the one they are mad at... Just hurts when my family and I are so caring and giving...