You should not have to parent with the step mom. But it is absolutely NONE of your business if he consults with his wife on decision making.

Let him consult with who he wants - the ultimate decision is still yours and his, whether he asks his wife's opinion, his mother's, or consults a Magic 8 Ball.

I think it's reasonable to say that all communication should be between the biological parents. Not sure where "respect for his wife" enters into it at all, unless you've been trash talking her. If so, just stop. Think of your kids' stepmom the same way you do about their teachers - don't make it personal.

I don't get this. By you don't want to coparent with her, do you mean you don't want him to consult his wife before making a decision either?

I mean you obviously don't have to talk to her.

But disrespecting her to either him or your children, or expecting him to make a decision without talking to his wife first, seems silly. I'm not saying you're doing this, from your post it wasn't clear. Just the fact that he said you won't be on a good page until you respect his wife makes it seem that way.

That sounds like a hard situation to deal with. It seems that unfortunately it is a common byproduct of divorce when you have children.

From what you wrote, you have an email only relationship. Honestly this may be for the best right now, to eliminate any texting wars or verbal fights.

It also sounds like he has been very clear that he will take his new wife into consideration. You may not want that or have to accept that, but it is what it is, and your ex is going to continue to do it. You have no control over what he does. You can control what you do with your children on your time.

I would suggest "My family wizard", and treat this like a business relationship, since you both dont choose to co-parent on each others terms. Your terms being without any input from his wife, his being that he has formed a new union with his wife and wants to include her in his decisions.

From a BM perspective I specifically told my ex he chose to bring her into his family, I did not chose to bring her into mine. I will deal with him and if he wants her opinion that is on him to ask her, they come up with something and then he can approach me (e.g. this summer vacation, I discussed with him, he goes and discusses with SM, then comes back and we negotiate as necessary).

I largely brought this into effect after she would send me crazy ass texts about how she was the mom now etc etc, I put that in check quickly!

It can get a little annoying but I would rather have some back and forth than let her think she can dictate to me (I am the lucky recipient of a crazy SM!).

...Unfortunately, for you...they have a sacred contract that now makes them a unit that you, nor anyone else takes precedence over...Your wants are no longer his business...you should have thought about that before you decided to end a marriage involving children...That is part of the unintended consequences of getting a divorce to begin with...you need to respect their boundaries..and you should be so fortunate that the SM desires to help with your children...alienate her...and you have a negative effect on everyone indirectly...(it's called cause and effect)...She matters way more than you give her position credit for...But, with that being said...If you can't put on your big girl panties and act like a mature adult trying to MAKE CHOICES THAT WILL BE IN THE BEST INTEREST OF YOUR, YOUR....YOUR (DID I SAY YOUR?) CHILDREN...to help them grow up into becoming healthy adults...

If she is caring and willing to help with your children...you will have missed the biggest opportunity to have another loving voice speaking into them, helping them become everything they were created to be IN SPITE OF their parent's mess...and the reality is you only get to do it right once...every choice you make will effect your kids..either positively or negatively...Yes..you are their bio mother...think about what is best for them in the long run...If you get along with your ex's new family...or if you continue to add division and strife to your already damaged children....who now have a broken home to contend with on top of everything else in life....

It's not always about you....

This helps me understand what my husband's ex might be going through. I can see why she doesn't want me around. I've always faded into the background until I helped my 5year old SD make her mom a Mother's Day gift. I think it must be hard for her to know there's another woamn in her child's life. But I do kind of agree with peacemaker!

I don't want to "co-parent" with BM, but since we are custodial, there needs to be some communication between me and her just to get SD12 through life.

Take yesterday, for instance. My SD12 told me just before I dropped her off for school that her mom was going to pick her up from school that day rather than wait until 4pm for her visitation. We have done this before so it is no problem. However, my SD12 has a history of getting things mixed up and I was not comfortable just taking her word for it.

So right after I dropped her off I texted BM and asked her very respectfully if she was picking up SD12 from school,that I just wanted to confirm. No answer. A couple hours later, I texted again. No answer. So about an hour before I had to pick up SD12 from school, I called her. It rang three times then went to voice mail.

I went to get SD12 from school. From there I texted her again and told her I was picking up SD12 since I wanted to be sure someone was there to get her. THEN she texted me back and said she'd texted MY HUSBAND that morning to answer MY question (yes she did intend to pick her up) but she wouldn't be dealing with me.

My husband had been in the ceiling of a factory all morning and afternoon hanging pipe. His cell phone was nowhere near him so he didn't even get the message.

It would have saved a lot of trouble if BM had just texted me back and said, "Yes" rather than causing a big argument over nothing.

So get over it BM. Whether you like it or not, I AM in the picture and I AM involved with your child. I am NOT her f*cking taxi, I am her stepmother. Grow up and show some respect for the woman that is raising your child.

And that's all I've got to say about that...

You sound very selfish. Its all about the best interest for the "Children" not the mother. I would keep an open line of communication with Anyone who is around my kids!!!!!!!!!!!!

I normally do not talk to BM, unless I need to. For example, my SD is about to start her menstral cycle and BM wanted to know if I could help SD deal with it, if SD hadn't already started while with BM. Also I will communicate with BM if DH doesn't understand paper work that he has to fill out. But when it comes to filling out paperwork that deals with person stuff, for example, the paperwork we had to fill out wanted to know BM's weight, height, etc. I told DH he is the one going to find all that information out, because I don't feel comfortable asking another woman, expecally my Skids BM questions like that. I wouldn't want her to ask me that kind of stuff.

We have a "sort of" respect line. She knows that while her kids are here I make sure that they are doing what they should and also that if anything is needed, I will call her or DH will call her. But that is as far as it goes.

Its not nessacarly a bad thing to "co-parent" but if your DH wants co-parenting, then you really need to sit down and have a NICE conversation with her and figure out what you both want. For example, you want her to contact you if your Step child has a phychological issue that they do not understand. Like in my case. My SS has ADD/ADHD, I have never dealt with those before. But I don't have to contact BM about it because DH has the same exact thing as SS, but if he didn't I would contact BM and figure out what I need to do. i.e. whether he needed a doctor, what types of medications he should be on etc.

All I am trying to say, is that yes you might not like his wife, but his wife will not put your child in harms way. I am 100%, if his wife were to put your child in harms way, your ExH would so not stand for that!