2 years this weekend since we've seen SD3
This weekend marks 2 years since SO has been able to spend time with SD3. He has not seen her or heard from any of her mother's family except for 3 times when he managed to force a phone call out of BM to ask for time with SD (to which she hung up before agreeing to anything). She has changed her number, moved away, cut out all of his family, made sure none of her family have contact with him, etc. She tells SD her daddy is her first kid's father and that SO is just the sperm donor, you know, the usual parental alienation. She posts rants almost daily on her social networking sites about how shitty of a person SO is and how terrible his family is and how "inappropriate" I am. SO and I and his entire family have kept our mouths shut about everything hoping it will eventually die down. He has made several attempts to file for joint custody (they were never married so stupidly never got any sort of order in place), but every time he does, something goes wrong (financial issues are the usual cause, he pays so much in child support he is literally not able to support himself at all and he's been fighting with domestic relations for years now and they just don't care; not enough money to pay for a lawyer, but makes too much before child support is taken out of his checks to get financial aid, etc.).
With it being 2 years now since we've seen her and 3 years since the lying and attacks have started, I decided I'm not keeping my mouth shut anymore. I'm standing up for SO and SD and defending him against every lie she tells (he doesn't have facebook or any other accounts like that). I typed up this long thing to post to all our friends on FB and I would like to get your opinions on it. I'm not sure if things could really get any worse for us right now, so I'm not really worried about that. I'm just thinking if it will actually change anything in regards to people who support her abuse. Here it is:
"I have kept my mouth shut about this for far too long. It's time to stand up, spread the story, and hope to fix the problem. After three years of malicious lies and abuse, I'm not dealing with it anymore. SO did not abandon his child. SD was taken away from him by her selfish mother in attempt to hurt SO. SO is called a deadbeat, a drug user, a liar, an abuser, a child neglecter, when in reality, none of this is true. We have lost friends over these lies, but more importantly, he has lost the ability to see his daughter grow up. By taking away all opportunities to contact SD, any possibilities of developing a strong father/daughter bond have been abolished by her mother's hatred for him. As much as I know it hurts SO and his family to not be a part of his daughter's life, I know it's hurting SD the most. She's going to have to deal with the knowledge one day that her mother hated her father more than she loved SD. She is going to deal with the feelings of being unwanted and unloved because of the lies her mother is telling her. She is going to deal with thinking she's half a deadbeat/liar/loser/abuser/etc. She is suffering and everyone in support of this woman is simply aiding in child abuse.
Educate yourself on parental alienation and learn the signs. A father who is so involved and supportive in one child's life would not abandon his other child. He would not ask his child's mother for a written custody agreement and then end all contact after she agrees to it. He would not pay thousands of dollars in child support and suffer financially for a child he doesn't care about. He would not silently sit in the shadows as his character and family name are torn apart. How can one go from saying he's the best daddy their daughter could have to being the worst "sperm donor" in a matter of days? Open your eyes and protect these children's rights to BOTH parents."
Should I post it? Opinions? What would you all do? I could easily go on keeping my mouth shut, but I'm at a point that I just don't care anymore about what else she'll pull on us next.
That's sad for both your man
That's sad for both your man and you! Too bad these mothers can't see the destruction that PAS causes.
Just curious, what is your reason for posting this? Are you no longer "real life friends" with some of the people on your FB who will see this? Or are you hoping that someone will forward this to BM?
BM and I have mutual
BM and I have mutual "friends" who so far have only heard her side of the story. I'd just like to see them know both sides and possibly stop being so supportive of her toxicity.
If these people believe BM,
If these people believe BM, why do you want them in your life?
The best way to beat her is to slowly and methodically plan your court case. Plain and simple.
I'm not advocating stopping CS, but when BM got so ridiculous, DH stopped paying her. He opened a secondary account and deposited the money there. It was amazing how quickly this bitch found him 2 days a month for visits. Now court ordered. DH was able to prove that up until a certain point, all CS had been paid. Judge basically slapped BM and told her to stop being so selfish.
::I typed up this long thing to post to all our friends on FB and I would like to get your opinions on it.::
your friends know the truth, Don't waste time or breath on the rest. Alsoo don't forget, this kind of high conflict person thrives on attention and drama. Starve her. It will make her nuts... trust me... }:)
^^^ I agree with this. She
^^^
I agree with this. She probably WILL ramp it up. Are you prepared to stay silent while she does? ...or do you want to fight?
If I were going to post something, I would be more strategic about it. First, I would get all my ducks in a row concerning anything related to future court cases. Document everything you can...screenshot anything that she's written about your man on social sites. Have dates/times that your man has filed stuff or tried to reach out. And know that whatever you write could show up in court documents, so bashing her might backfire if she takes down all her posts before you get to copy them.
If the situation is truly a lost cause and you don't think there's a chance that she will move back, AND YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN'T STAND BEING QUIET ANYMORE then tell his side in the form of a story --- and make your man the hero. Allow your readers to connect with the characters in the story. And make it so that anyone who knows the situation will know that you're talking about your SO and BM. Maybe even post it as a note and put your man and his child's picture at the top.
Ooooh, I can almost feel your
Ooooh, I can almost feel your frustration!!!
The reason I would recommend not to post it is more about FB. The problem with the 'modern' age is that we are in constant contact with each other about what we had for dinner, what cute thing our kid did today, where we went, who we were with... and it seems like popularity is 'proven' by 'likes.' And that popularity = right.
But that's just not true.
If you post it, you can expect lots of 'likes,' maybe a couple of supportive PMs, and then it will be forgotten. Unless you keep up with posting stuff like this. It will leave you feeling very abandoned when what you are looking for is support.
I think you really need to express the frustration and hurt and anger, so even typing this up and putting words to it was great. But now you need a next step. I think going the FB route will disappoint you.
I agree with the poster above who recommended you document, document, document and go to court. I know it's a bit of a catch-22, but the vicious circle won't stop until something breaks it.
Do you have any contact with the BM-supporters? Because maybe it's time to get confrontational. Like, if something is said about child support, you could be factual in advising them the %ge of net income that is paid, how often and how up-to-date payments are. And then challenge them. Here's how it would go down in my imagination:
BM-supporter: BM posted again about how DH is behind on child support. DH should be paying, it's his kid you know.
GMW: DH pays 30% of his income every pay period. That leaves him with $800/month to pay all of his bills and try to save for a lawyer to sue BM for preventing SD from visiting. His last payment was two weeks ago, and his payments are completely up-to-date. Can you think of why BM would say DH is behind when he isn't?
BM-supporter: ***crickets***
And let them turn on her.
Thinking more about
Thinking more about this...honestly, I would actively cut anyone out of my life who continues to deal with a psycho BM. Bye bye fake FB friends.
And if you have to write something, wouldn't it be better to put HER on the defensive instead of you being there? If you're gonna do it, go hard, but keep it classy. Turn your negative emotion into positive energy...knock her down with a feather.
Like this:
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"Has anyone ever heard of Parental Alienation Syndrome? (Link to two articles here for credibility)
PAS is real and it's tearing lives apart...it's basically when a parent (usually a mother) turns an innocent child against a good parent. She uses insults, lies, and even relocation to break the parent/child bond as a way to punish the target parent for sins that he may or may not have committed against HER, not the child. She will enlist family, friends and even her own children as sounding boards to hear tales of woe about the man she CHOSE to be the father of her child.
Psychologists have suggested that these women will stop at nothing to harm the father/child bond, as their bond reflects her own inadequacies, exposes her faults, and denies her contribution to the breakdown of the relationship. http://www.shrink4men.com/2010/11/02/parental-alienation-programming-and...
Can you imagine a good father driven out of his child's life because a mother selfishly hated him more than she cared about the emotional well-being of her child? It is estimated that (whatever)% of parents will fall victim to this domestic abuse and their stories are frightening!
We all can agree that children thrive when fathers are a part of their lives. If you're a dad being denied visitation or having your life ripped apart by a bitter ex, it would be wise to arm yourself with knowledge about the game that these abusive women play. If you don't notice the signs early, PAS can destroy your life, as well as hurt your precious children.
Here are some signs that men in this situation should look out for:
1. Has your child's mother changed her phone number so that you couldn't get in touch with your kids?
2. Has she moved away with your child?
3. Has she received child support faithfully from you since the child's birth, but told people that you were a deadbeat dad?
4. Has she referred to you as abusive while at the same time harassing you, going on a smear campaign and lying about you to anyone who listens?
5. Does she teach your child to call another man "Daddy"?
6. Did she make herself seem like the victim during the breakup even though she clearly did things that would drive any man away?
7. Does she do xyz?
8. -insert another thing that BM has done-
Well, unfortunately, our family has experienced all of the things on this list (and more), and we are currently working to rid the world of this terrible disease of Parental Alienation. After spending years silently suffering, being harassed, having his character assassinated and STILL losing the battle by not being able to be a father to the child he loves, my SO and I have decided to take action while we wait for justice...we will spend our time connecting with other loving fathers in hopes that they will someday reunite with their children.
If you or someone you know are currently going through this, please get in touch with me via PM and share your experiences. Let's support each other through this tragedy and work to find helpful solutions. Our children deserve better and together, we can end this form of child abuse. Thank you and we wish you peace and love."
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Something like that.
Then if anyone chimes in to comment, write something like, "Thanks for your comment." And especially if they say something defending BM, say "I appreciate your concern, but we're just trying to form a support network of other men who are going this and there are many. Thanks to all those who have already PM'd me." Delete them and then stop commenting.
This was PERFECT. I might
This was PERFECT. I might actually copy that word for word, if you don't mind. Thank you so much for your great advice!
Fantastic!
Fantastic!