Father's Day (Rant and Need Advice)
So, I know I'm posting this at two in the morning, but I literally cannot get this out of my mind for God knows what reason. My FDH just found out he has a son with some psycho ex-girlfriend he dated years ago. He found out through a paternity test, and visitation has just been court ordered. This visitation is the typical every other weekend, every other holiday, yada, yada, yada, and my FDH gets his son for Father's Day. This is the first Father's Day ever for FDH. Father's Day has lots of issues rising and it's still a pretty decent bit away.
FDH and I discussed how we were going to do Father's Day and FDH wanted me to get a present for SS to give his dad for Father's Day. FDH set boundaries for BM in saying that he didn't want any gifts from her for Father's Day and he wouldn't give her any gifts for Mother's Day. BM agreed at the time that her family should do something for her for Mother's Day and FDH's family should do something for him for Father's Day and they shouldn't do anything for each other for Mother's/Father's Day.
But BM had to be pushy.
BM now is going around and telling FDH's family and me that she will be getting a gift for her son to give to his "rightful father" for Father's Day and it was only right that she be the only person that does this because she "is [his] mother and a mother needs to give her son's father a gift for Father's Day". It's making things weird since we are trying to get SS used to everyone in the family.
RANT MOMENT
I want to punch BM in the face. And knock all her teeth out. And rip out her trashy hair extensions.
Seriously, why the hell is she doing this?? She keeps telling SS that her and my FDH are still together, but then denies it when FDH brings it up. We found out that she was doing this when SS told my FDH about it. This pissed FDH off to no end. She still does this after FDH has laid down the boundaries!!! I mean what the hell!!!! SS is still a toddler and I'm pretty sure BM doesn't tell SS who I am or that I'm his SM. When it comes to Mother's/Father's Day, it should have been perfectly effing clear to her that FDH doesn't care about her if he didn't even bother telling her "Happy Mother's Day" and asked her multiple times not to get him a gift for Father's Day. She got knocked up when she was a teenager because she lied to FDH about being on birth control (well, I can't really keep FDH from all the blame). She also lied about being in her mid 20s when FDH dated her (she was 18 at the time--thank god she wasn't younger). She's a pathetic person who keeps throwing herself at him every chance she gets even though their relationship ended years ago. You think she'd get the picture by now but WHAT THE HELL!!!
END RANT
Anyways, the BM is probably going to get my FDH a gift for Father's Day even though he's told her multiple times not to do so. FDH will have SS for that entire weekend. If she has a gift for him, should we just blow it off and continue with Father's Day as we planned it to be? Should FDH say something again to the BM when she gives him her Father's Day gift? Should it just be me picking up SS at the pickup/drop-off point so she doesn't have a present to give FDH? I have my FDH's POA and I'm legally allowed to pick up SS and take him to FDH's house when it's FDH's weekend. BM was even fine with it just being me to pick him up. Anyone here had to deal with something similar? This is the first Father's Day, but I mean is she going to be keeping this up in the future? I mean. What. The. Hell.
There is entirely way too
There is entirely way too much communicating between the BM and you/DF/the extended family. The only two people who must have contact is the father and mother of the child. You and/or DF's family need to be speaking with BM at all. You have chosen to attend the initial 'Dad, met your son' meetings. So if you're 'having' to listen to BM's stupid ideas and rattle, you've chosen to do so all by yourself. Why do that to yourself. She's obviously not a very stable lady if she goes on about wanting to have more babies with DF and she telling the child they are still together. The woman is either a total nut case or she knows just how to yank your chain.
DF has a little over 15 more years he has to deal with this BM, but you have zip. You don't need to see or hear one thing from her. DF may want to get some changes into the new CO. For example, once the initial meeting are over, exchanges could occur at a neutral place, not each other's homes. Necessary communication could be ordered to be email (also providing documentation...I see other's suggested Our Family Wizard already to you).
Gifts at this age should be very simple and should be something the child himself can do. A finger painting, a handprint that can be put in a frame and displayed by Dad, a hand drawn card. No need for either women to fight over who gets a gift for who. If it is the later, BM has no business in giving gifts from mother of child to father of child on Father's Day. DF isn't BM's father. For this initial year, if BM shows up with a gift from her to your DF , DF can simply toss it in the trunk...BM will get the idea that it is unwanted and silly. If she shows up with a gift that she selected but it is supposedly from the child, it's a bit more tricky. DF will have to decide how best to deal with it. He doesn't want to upset the kid and make him feel Bad as the child is innocent in the games between his parents. After this, and once the actual overnights and regular visitation schedule kicks in you can be sure to do the helping SS make/purchase gifts for birthday, Christmas and Father's Day for his Daddy regardless of what BM says or does.
Once SS starts routinely getting adjusted to the EOWd and gets comfortable with visiting Daddy and SM, gets use to spending family time in your home, you'll find your way to bond (or not) with this child and DF/you will find you have much more control of what will or won't happen and how things will be in your home. Your DF is on the right track with starting out setting his boundaries, but he is the one who should be dealing with BM. Especially as BM has not had to 'share' the child with anyone for almost 3yrs, if it is you (another woman aka a potential rival for the child's attention and affection) this new relationship you want with DF, you and SS will go sour fast if you're the one that gets in her face and/or tries to deal with her. Tossing a log on her already nutty fire will instantly make you her target. Let your DF be the 'bad guy'. He's a big boy now. He can do this and he needs to be the one who enforces boundaries and does contact.
Our Family Wizard is awesome.
Our Family Wizard is awesome. I'm so glad it was suggested. This next weekend is the first overnight visit, so things should start to slowly calm down. I'm nervous and excited.
The BM wanted to give FDH pictures of her and SS from birth up to now. She wanted to include pictures of her pregnancy. While I shouldn't have gone, now that it's happened I'm pissed, but I really have nobody to blame but myself I suppose. But I'm still angry.
I'm just stepping back from FDH's family regarding all the contact they have with BM. FDH's mom is suddenly obsessed with being a grandmother and now thinks that she has to consult BM on everything just so she can get all the time she can with her grandson. I just walked away from it because I didn't want to get involved in that mess.
Oh my. No wonder that type of
Oh my. No wonder that type of gift caused an upset. 1) BM didn't even tell DF she was pregnant but now here she comes with a 'gift' of pregnancy pics 2) while DF may appreciate baby photos of his son as he doesn't have any of his own as BM didn't bother to tell him there was a son, I'm sure there is no need to share pics of BM with son. It's not like DF has any fond memories of this time he didn't even know about.
These photos are pics that should be placed in a box at BM's for SS as he gets older...kinda a baby scrapbook. Just like you and DF will of be taking plenty of photos of SS and DF/SS and you/DF/SS. As the years pass and new photos are taken you'll put some of the older (now current) pics in a box to pass on to SS as he gets older. It's pretty presumptuous for BM to think DF wants a box full of her from pregnancy on. If she was so worried about DF missing out on the child's earlier times she should have included him then.
If BM actually gives this 'memory' box to DF, he can decide whether to stick it in the attic for his son to have later or simply return the photos and tell BM these are something she should keep for her son at her own home. Since you get SS Father's Day weekend , you and SS can do something special and appropriate age wise for Daddy. And as far as Grandma going all 'first grandchild' nuts, that's natural...but DF needs to be sure his mother keeps herself inline. No need for GMa to go through BM to see the child. GMa can have time visiting grandson during the times SS is visiting Dad. I'm sure DF is anxious to share his son with his family. no need for GMa to chase BM around to see child.
Oh CRAP. Let me give you the
Oh CRAP. Let me give you the advise you need the ignoring of which will cause you to spend the next twenty years feeling the way you do now. Don't believe me? Just starting reading the other Threads created here.
You're not being "thrown" into anything. You're walking face first into the furnace. Please don't walk away from this. RUN. Apologize to this guy that you're not going to stick through thick and thin (by the way this is what engagements are for and you haven't made any promises yet). But apologize anyway so he doesn't feel bad he's got enough problems already.
Leave immediately. Move out while he's at work and be there to explain when he gets home then leave. Leave a note if you can't face it - its the traditional thing to do.
Understand this if you continue in this relationship you'll be here for the next two decades and maybe longer which is why we have a Forum for people with ADULT step kids who are still screwing up peoples lives.
Find a guy without children and start your own family after a few years of marriage.