Re: how do I change my thinking?
Hi,
I am new here and am writing for advice.
I have a beautiful baby girl (18months) with my husband, who I love very much.
Since this time last year his son has been living with us full time, prior to that it was just weekends and holidays.
It is awful to say and I know that but I hate his kid. He has just turned 5. I hate the fact my daughter now have a full time pest and will do forevermore! I wish I could just make him go away! He is by no means the worst kids ever I just don't like him, from his voice to his laugh to the sight of him. I dread weekends. I don't know what to do. I spoke to my husband and he tries to understand but how can he, he sees a son, something he loves. I see an interloper, a mean spirited, devious lodger.
Has anyone made this work? Turned it around from hate?????? Please tell me know. I have tried to play with him, get to know him, talking, discipline etc etc. he isn't just bad to be, he is the same to his father and in school, discipline doesn't work. Id think at this point even if his behaviour was perfect I would still hate him!
I think if i thought that my
I think if i thought that my partner truly hated or found repulsive my own dd, i think i would seriously cry! i like her kids! i have a few challenges with some behaviors or actions, but i'm sure she does with mine. but to know she seriously DISLIKED my child, that would make me so crazy sad.
Yep been there hun, its not
Yep been there hun, its not awful to feel this way you will never feel for him what you feel for your own. My SS6 has been living with us for a year now and sometimes I cry in my car at the thought of going home. The atmosphere is always terrible when hes around bcos he is a violent little bully and its so easy when hes not there.
My advice is take each day as it comes, some will be more tolorable than others. He wont be a kid forever things will get easier. I have found that just going about my buisness helps. Not ignoring him as such but just showing that he is not the sun around which we all revolve.
Dont feel guilty about how
Dont feel guilty about how you feel.
SKs can feel like interlopers.
I dont like my SS and I dont care - you will get there too. It needs practice, some more exposure to your stepkid, but eventually you dont care.
Here's a link below to a
Here's a link below to a article on disengaging. If you can't stop this feeling you've got to get professional help or it will eat away your marriage until there is nothing left but your hate.
When the lady above said "all of us hate our step kids" she wasn't speaking for every stepmother in the world. The majority make the system work well enough and so can you.
http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
I think a big part of the
I think a big part of the resentment you are feeling comes from the fact that you only really got to enjoy motherhood with only your baby for 6 months. Now the skid is a huge distraction from this wonderful role.
Thank you all for responding,
Thank you all for responding, it is comforting to know that I'm not the only one. MisStep, you make a good point, I had her at home on a Friday and still resent the fact that my first weekend being a mum my husband brought his son as usual. I know I need to let go of that!! Actually that I had but it still makes me a little cross when I think about it.
Thank you for the link too I'll have a look.
I feel like I'm close to losing my husband, I just wish I knew how to fix things.
Thank you for your advice and support and your own stories too, it all at least makes me feel sane still!!
I was rather startled by the
I was rather startled by the "we all hate our skids" too - I don't hate mine. But perhaps my story might help...
My SDs were preteens and teens when I had my first child. I didn't "hate" them, not really, but I certainly didn't want them around. I found them obnoxious, self centered, attention grabbing little brats. (Note that they weren't actually bad kids - they're pretty normal. But I was so in love with my child and I didn't want them distracting me or DH from that.) For the first year or so of my child's life, I continued to resent them whenever they were at my house.
And then my son started playing with them. Asking for them. Noticing when they were gone. His little face would light up when they walked in for the weekend. He *adored* his sisters, and they adored him right back. I realized that while the girls were nothing - blood-wise - to me, these were his sisters. For life. They'll have his back, help him, talk to him, protect him as sisters do. And anyone who makes my child so happy is welcome in my home.
Your child is just getting to that point, really. At 18 months she knows her brother. And over the course of the next year, hopefully those two are going to bond and start a true brother/sister relationship. Yeah, they're going to fight, they're too close in age not to. But (hopefully) he'll protect her from any playground bully, he'll tell her first boyfriend to respect her "or else", he'll be the one she turns to when "mom is being so unreasonable!" as a teen. Think of how much having a big brother could mean to your child - and help her get that. That might be the best way to see the boy, as your daughter's big brother, rather than the skid.
I'm not at all startled by
I'm not at all startled by "we all hate our step-kids".
I am startled by it. Hating
I am startled by it. Hating someone simply because they aren't blood and you have to share them with a spouse you KNEW was a parent? Sounds like selfish horse shit to me. You don't step into peoples lives and try to cut their bonds, on the contrary you try to form new ones and the "hate" only comes in response of being treated badly, not for sheer existence.
We step parents talk about how its hard dealing with kids worried partner will steal their parent, and we hope with age they will come to understand a parents love. But here we have a grown mother acting like a naive step kid begrudging an admittedly well behaved five year old? WTF!? Is this woman going on 12!?
Normally "hate" is reserved for someone who deliberately wronged you. Bio moms come here chewing put people "they shouldn't have married a parent if they cant share" and half the time its silly because the step tried and their feelings are justified. But this scenario!?!? This kind of stuff is WHY people say it.
I'm glad OP has a place to rant and people can discuss their feelings, its important. But no, we don't all hate our step kids. Some of us have more compassion and maturity than to hate kindergarteners whose crime was being born.... It makes me sick just knowing adults CAN feel that way, its rather sociopathic...
Agreed. Don't hate on kids,
Agreed. Don't hate on kids, especially those thrust into situations which are none of their doing.
I don't hate him because he
I don't hate him because he isn't blood, I'm adopted so that would be a very strange way for me to behave. I hate him being in my home with my child taking time, attention and love away from her. And I do mean away from her he craves attention all of the time, she has no alone time with Daddy because he doesn't allow it! Even time together is totally dominated by him.
I only ever encouraged my husband to see his son, and when it was weekends and holidays it was fine, permanently isn't.
You would need to understand the whole situation but when I married my husband the boy wasn't in the picture.
I don't want to feel like this, but I can't seem to switch it off. I know I say well behaved but well that's not entirely right I just think that most kids that age are pretty cheeky, don't listen and give attitude. Although he has been in a fair bit of trouble at school too.
I don't know what to say I guess you're right it is immature but that doesn't stop me being miserable. He is not nice to his half sister, he is mean. And at times quite aggressive I had a brother growing up we didn't get on then and we don't now, we are just very different people. But I remember him doing the same things to me that ss does to baby. He made my childhood very difficult, he bullied me a lot.
Try not to feel too sick, I treat him well and kindly when I do interact with him, I just find myself trying to avoiding that interaction when possible.
I'm sorry he's not nice. Does
I'm sorry he's not nice. Does your husband discipline him? Are there behaviour expectations? Has he been supported through this change in his life? Would counselling help him?
You are the wise woman of the
You are the wise woman of the mountain
Sure disengage, but don't be
Sure disengage, but don't be unkind and cruel to a child. He didn't choose to have divorced parents.
From his perspective ... I can kinda relate.
My mum remarried when I was 6. She was with him until I was 15 and she finally realised how much he didn't like us. We saw him a lot when they dated, he was nice to my sister and I. This was when we spent every weekend with our dad tho, so rarely were we there. When they married and moved in together he saw us more. Even mum will tell you we were good kids. Raised win our strict grandparents we had good manners. We were in bed at 7 every night until we were teens, found out it was because SD didn't like having us around. He didn't like sharing our mum, even tho we were there first. We just followed her lead and thought this was normal, until we were teens.... Then we started speaking up.
Seriously, they holidayed all over the world together, they went to restaurants. They were out together all the time. Mum AND SD. and EVERY TIME my sister and I were shipped off to nana, aunts, babysitters. For over 10 years.
It took me a long time to realise that it was wrong, until I was a teen and we started asking questions. Oh he hated that and started trying to push us further away and lo and behold teens resisted and asked why we couldn't go to Australia too, why we couldn't come yo dinner, why we always ate dinner at 6, bed at 7.30 and mum and SD ate together later alone (yip, 10 yrs without dinner with mum). A side of him came out mum says, a side she never really saw, that she thought he just loved her and loved us too, that she didn't realise that SD and us were barely together. And he had to come clean as he was answering. He said he didn't want us he only wanted her and thought she knew that.
After they separated we never saw or heard from him again, even tho he "raised us" most of our lives. I have to say, that really hurt, he was the only dad I have past the age of 8.
He wasnt all "fuck off I hate you" in our faces, but we knew he didn't love us. We knew he didn't care. He worst part was mum appeared to know and think that was ok. She chose him over us. She didn't love us enough to holiday with us, eat with us, spend time with us, she loved him tho.
So if you only want the man, not the kid. Well. Think about it. Maybe get your husband to read this so he doesn't make the mistake mum did. Oh yes, she left him, but it was done by then. Took years to repair and my sister still doesn't talk to her. I would hate your SS to feel so unloved In his own home If it's just for being alive. Crucify him if he's a shitty kid, otherwise sure, dont like him, but at least be welcoming and kind. Cos I wouldn't wish that treatment or upbringing on any innocent kid, and I'd hate your marriage to go to the dogs like my mums did if your SS becomes an unloved teen who felt lost and alone and went the route of my sister trying to fill the void.
But like I said, this may be a lesson more for your husband, in how to achieve balance.
Thank you. That's very sad I
Thank you. That's very sad I would not want that either. I do try. I think will share your post with my husband too, perhaps he needs to search his soul.
But he also needs to make
But he also needs to make sure his son behaves! That he is disciplined, and grows up to be a nice young man.
I'm sure your daughter would love a big brother, if he was a nice big brother. Big brothers are useful!