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Feel more like a lodger than a partner

Emma-Louise's picture

Hi All,

I'm new so please be kind! I'm after a little advice with regards to my current living situation. I moved in with my partner in August (i have been there for five months) into a house he has purchased solely. He has the mortgage and i pay contributions towards living expenses, food, bills etc. We both have a child each, i have a son who is 11 and he has a daughter who is 7, both from previous relationships.

About 8 weeks after i moved into his house, he told me his parents were coming to live with us full time. I had never met his parents and i was naturally very apprehensive about this as it is quite a big deal going from a house where only myself and my son lived, to living with people i had never met. His parents are spanish, they have two houses in spain, but are old and wanted the comfort of living with family. I was given one weeks notice and was told to expect them the following weekend. There were no negotiations on this. I offered several scenarios, one being i could get to know them over a period of a few months and then revisit the situation etc. But i was told they were his parents and he would not turn them away so i had to live with it. And that is exactly what i have been doing for the last five months.

It is hard enough trying to blend two families together without the added stress of living with complete strangers and to say i hate it, is a bit of an understatement. I feel so uncomfortable in what should be 'our' home. I can't relax in the lounge, i have to time it right to be in the kitchen and cook, i have to time the bathroom and my son just wants to go home. We moved 130 miles, gave up his school, i changed where i worked etc and we are both miserable. Plus i miss the alone time we used to have together, now there is always somebody there. I spend most of my time in a bedroom because it is the only place in the house i feel comfortable.

He said he will never ask his parents to leave and i fel more comfortable in my own place, then so be it. Although don't be too hasty as they may go back to spain for a few months but they may also come back.

To top all of that off etc, i don't feel like we are partners or that we are ever going to be. He owns the house and i don;t think we will ever own a home together. All the decisions are made by him, all of the financial decisions are made by him, i am surrounded by his stuff, his family etc and i thought the whole point living together was to make a life together and a financial future together.

I tried to talk to him about finances, he said don't pay me any rent and just pay for bills and food etc. But i want to pay him rent, i want to contribute towards a future together and feel like we are 'in it together'. I don't want to feel like i'm a lodger. I also want to know that i am a stakeholder in my own future or there is at leats he possibility to be. Is this unreasonable?

My parents and i recently viewed some houses back home that would be suitable for myself and my son. Should i just cut my losses and buy one myself? I am 40 now, this might be my last chance to secure my own future.

The other problem is his daughter. She is a nightmare to be around and incredibly spoiled. So much so that my son hides in his room all the time she is with us so he doesn't have to associate.

Kes's picture

The house may belong to your partner, and he is solely paying the mortgage, but all the same you are his life partner, and "telling" you his parents are moving in rather than discussing with you and saying - "how would you feel about it"? is totally the wrong way to go about things.  It seems to me like he is refusing your financial contribution towards the house because then it makes him feel easier about running the show and not consulting you.   Personally, I would not be able to tolerate this state of affairs.  I like my own space, and only want visitors to stay a couple of nights.    And the SD sounds like really hard work as well.   

Your son is obviously very unhappy.  In your position, I would tell your partner what you are thinking, but my guess is that he won't change anything just because you aren't happy, and it's probably his way or the highway - ie total control freak.  So if I were you I'd continue with my exit plans. 

tog redux's picture

Go home - you've been tricked and are being used.  He's not any kind of "partner", as you said, and never will be.

Just chalk it up to experience and listen to your 11-year-old and your intuition.

hereiam's picture

My parents and i recently viewed some houses back home that would be suitable for myself and my son. Should i just cut my losses and buy one myself?

Absolutely.

2Tired4Drama's picture

But it sounds like you are nothing more than a sexual outlet for this boy-man.

He does not want you to share his life, you are nothing more than an accessory he takes out and uses when he wants to.  Why in God's name would you allow your son to see you being treated this way?  I can only imagine the turmoil your boy is going through but doesn't tell you about.  First priority is YOUR SON.

Listen to your parents and let them help you get re-settled back home.  Yes, absolutely, cut your losses and move back home.

You are better off spending the rest of your life being alone, but being an amazing mom for your son, than spending another single day with this loser. 

Emma-Louise's picture

Thank you for the responses to this everyone. I have actually just had an offer accepted on my very own house today and i am going to take my son back home to where we were both happy.

I will be sad that it didn't work out, i have been wih this man for over 6 years now and have only just recently shared a house with him but when i look back at the last 6 years, i have always been an 'accessory' and never a partner. I do worry about being alone, but the last few months have been so awful that it has put the fear into persepective!

2Tired4Drama's picture

There is nothing wrong with it.  It gives you time to focus on yourself and what you want out of life, and out of a partner.

Give it some time being on your own.  Before you know it, your son will be happy, your parents will be happier and YOU will be happy.  The most attractive thing about a person is their personality. 

When you are happy and secure you will easily be able to meet someone new who respects and appreciates you.  Look forward to that day!

sandye21's picture

You made a decision which will be for the best for you and your son.  It sounds like you are afraid to be alone or possibly that you think you will be incomplete if you don't have a man in your life.  I suggest you decide to have fun decorating your new house and making it the home your X-partner refused to give to you.   Celebrate your new freedom with your son and your parents.  Fill your life up with things you love to do and give yourself the gift of time to choose the best man for you.  Be determined to not settle for less.

ndc's picture

Congratulations on being under contract for your new house!  I think you'll find that you will be better off alone than with this man.  It may not seem like that all the time, but in time you'll see that leaving him is a good move.  You weren't a priority for him and he didn't consider your needs.  It's good that you're making yourself and your son your priority.

Mr Meanie Man's picture

Guys perspective

He doesn't want to turn his back on his parents for his new live in gf. He has no idea how long they have on Earth.You are not his wife nor do you have his child. You are not a priority, but he does care. If you love him, youll deal with it. At the same, you know you should leave, but dont wanna be alone. You kid is your priority, dont make yourself or your kid miserable because you feel the love clock ticking...peace and good luck