feeling so alone
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Currently stepfather to 14 yro girl and 9yro boy, I need advice and an ear.
I am 37m, previously married for 10 years spouse and I lost many pregnancies and ultimately were told it wasn't going to happen for us. Years later that led to our divorce and fresh starts. That has led to dating many women with kids. I always thought I was good with kids in all situations until now. Just about 2 yrs ago I met and fell in love with my fiance, mother to a 14yro girl and 9yro son. They are good kids yet I find myself so annoyed and irritated way to often with them. Especially the boy. I need help, I have no one that has been in a similar situation that I can talk to. I will provide more details if anyone is interested
They're annoying because they
They're annoying because they aren't yours. If you love her, decide if you can deal with it until they grow up and get out. But they'll probably always annoy you.
I'm hoping he grows out of a
I'm hoping he grows out of a lot of the crap he pulls. Yet everyone allows him to get away with everything. I was with a woman with kids for two years, her children were a little bit older when we met and in no time at all I would have died for them as if they were my own. It ended suddenly. And I never heard from any of them again. I wish I had that closeness now.
And I agree with your cure
And I agree with your cure for all things.
Thanks! But, a piece of
Thanks!
But, a piece of advice? Stop comparing these kids to your ex's kids. Try to find the positives about them and focus on those when you get annoyed.
My SO's 13yo (boy) drives me bat shit crazy sometimes. In those moments, I focus on the fact that he's a good kid who wants to help out, and his talking non-stop is his way of helping (with dinner, with cleaning, whatever).
I am far from a
I am far from a disciplinarian, more like the guy that gets pushed into the background during everything. The BF is in the picture. He also just recently moved close. Like 1/2 mile away on same street close. BF and BF split up when SS was 5wks old and sd was 5. I feel he gets away with so much because BM feels guilty in a sense. As adults I feel we do things with and for our children but they need to understand that our sole purpose is not to provide entertainment 24/7 because they are bored.
Overcompensation sucks. So
Overcompensation sucks. So daddy got caught cheating when he was 5 weeks old and booted from the relationship. That is no excuse for him to act like a little A-hole. He's 9. This is when he needs to learn and be shaped into a decent adult. Maybe I draw to much from my childhood and that of the children I grew up with. Today it was just him and I home. Gorgeous day outside and I didn't want to do anything with him because 5 minutes in " I'm bored, this is stupid" comes out of his mouth.
I feel like I'm wrong in
I feel like I'm wrong in feeling how I do because I never had my own children.
Ignore that feeling. They
Ignore that feeling. They will try to tell you that you just don't understand because you aren't a bio parent but the fact is you can see through the shit more clearly because you don't have the emotional entanglement and guilt that goes along with being a bio parent to a child of separated/divorced parents. Of course they won't believe you if you try to tell them that, you are just mean for not understanding their special troubled child who should have the world revolve around them no matter the consequences for everyone else.
(ok, yes I am feeling bitter an annoyed today and it is that time of the month...so take what I say with a pinch of salt, but i believe there is truth behind it)
You don't sound bitter...and
You don't sound bitter...and that time of the month? I virtually send you chocolate and a spa gift card lol. I don't know why I never thought to utilize the internet for a forum to feel less alone I this situation. I feel I could open up for hours for all I have pent up over the years.
You're so right that "our
You're so right that "our sole purpose is not to provide entertainment 24/7 because they are bored." I always feel guilty when my SD is constantly upset that I'm not filling every moment of her day with fun fun fun. It's not my fault that her BioMom has been absent for many years.
Even when I do fulfill the expected role of a parent, I'm always pushed aside and not appreciated because I'm not the "real" parent.
It sucks no matter what. Thanks for being here on this site. It's hard as Hell.
I am thankful this site is
I am thankful this site is here!! I gave up so much and did so much for my former skids only to be pushed aside as you said for the " gather of the year" at his convenience. These kids don't idolize their BF which is good but I am so glad I'm not the only one to have these thoughts. When I was a child and said "I'm bored " I remember being told " find something to do or i will find something for you to do and you won't like it". From then on I knew I was to entertain myself at times.
I think a big part of the issues with the "
Parenting" of these two is mom is LAZY!!! Many nights I am cleaning the kitchen and doing dishes after dinner while the three of them ( mom and 2 skids) watch tv. Wtf. SD is 14. Oh the list of responsibility I had at 14! PLUS as soon as I finish they proceed to all have dessert and then put the dishes where? In the sink!! Not the dishwasher!! It's like a foot away!!
Sorry wow it feels good to vent this!!!!
In no way am I a
In no way am I a dicisplinarian to the children. That being said I never intervene when parenting is needed. Because if I tell SS to stop doing something he isn't supposed to be doing because she's not around or just ignoring it she says I hate him and treat him different than SD. They are 5 yrs apart SD is a teenager and he is 9. Also she makes SD go to bed when he does and doesn't let her do things that he can't do so she doesn't have to listen to the whining. I'm not mean in any way. We talk and we laugh. But whenever he isn't interested in what everyone is doing it gets old and embarrassing. For example my family came in from out of town and we all met for dinner and 10 minutes in he started whining and didn't stop until he got his way.
Not special needs. Just a
Not special needs. Just a spoiled brat. And I am an outsider.
As you may have already seen
As you may have already seen "It's not your circus".
Read and implement the article found via the link below. These are not your kids. You'll get no credit or blame for how they turn out. If they talk to you respectfully respond in kind. Help where you can. Give advise ONCE but other wise shut up. Stay completely out of discipline. If the don't do their chores say nothing - let Mom discover it and deal with it. I taught a step-daughter how to drive but we remained aloof from each other. It is possible to co-exist, in fact your marriage depends on it.
http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Thank you Orange County. Your
Thank you Orange County. Your words make a lot of sense.
LOL ... My balls are just
LOL ... My balls are just fine. If I say something she gets mad at me. And I don't mean yell and scream but even if I give a " don't do that" or " you shouldn't say that " I'm apparently picking on him. Then I have to deal with the animosity afterward. We are engaged so I could turn and run easy enough. I just wish he'd be parented a little more instead of making sure little precious is always the happiest in the room ( which is impossible).
If you are following a
If you are following a disengagement program they will not be back talking you because you will not be front talking them. You're ignoring them except when spoken to respectfully.
I've never heard of a kid who say "Hi (insulting word)" when a step-parent is walking through a room. It's only when the step-parent says "stop" or "do" does the conversation get started and its "whatever" "later" "maybe". Don't start anything and there is nothing to finish.
I disengaged in the 70's long before the Internet came along. I've stayed disengaged since then to varying degrees depending on how they're acting. Sometimes they come and give me a hug, I always wait and never initiate it. Sometimes I see they're in a mood and again I don't initiate anything. I'm there and I can ignore you if you ignore me or I can hug back as you see fit.
You ladies who are at war with your step-children are making your own bed of roses and are bound to lose the fight. The children are like guerilla warriors - they don't have to win they only have to wait you out. They've got time on their side. Whenever they get a reaction out of you they've won a battle. They know they can't win the war but they know they can't lose it either.
You think when you get angry, disgusted, miffed or whatever that they don't go in their room and smile? Each and every time. Meanwhile you're fuming and flustering and running to post another pique on StepTalk.com. With disengagement that never happens. You've pulled the power rug out from under them. I've seen my step-kids and read about other step-kids who were tongue tied flabbergasted when I didn't remind them to empty the trash and their mother handled it. Want to go to the mall you say step-child? Your Mom said don't call her at work? Sorry dear girl you should have thought of the repercussions when you lied to me and got me in trouble when I said yes after you had asked your mom who said no. Now I won't give you permission to do anything at all. Karma is a bitch and so am I.
So ladies keep up WWIII and see who wins in the end. Hint: you'll be too mentally injured to know.
Yeah I'm not looking for a
Yeah I'm not looking for a battle or a war. I just want to be able to go out and do things as a family that doesn't end in an argument or bitterness between myself and mommy because she can see the look on my face when he acts up in public.
LOL, I am more of a beach bum
LOL, I am more of a beach bum in the summer when I get the time off. Funny thing is she says I am the problem and when she takes them out without me there is no issue. So obviously she doesn't care how they act in public. I do not care what people think of me for the most part, that being said I feel there is no need to be rude, disrespectful and disrupt other people while they are out. Maybe I should actually move on. This is where my lack of balls comes in to play. Believe me it is a long story as to why I feel so unable to just leave.