Moving Away From SS
Hello Everyone.
I have lurked for a while and finally have the courage to post. I will appreciate your advice so don't be too harsh.
I have been married to my husband for 8 years. He was married previously and has one son aged 12 from a marriage that lasted 2 years start to finish.
When I met my H he was divorced and had a young son who was about a year old at the time. He was committed to being in his sons life which I admired.
Before we got married, we agreed that if we did get married, we would live in the city of his son's birth till his son went to high school. SS is going to finish his primary schooling now and will go onto high school when the summer holiday is over.
I have spent the past nearly 10 years with my H living in a city and country that is not mine. In fact it is not the country of my Hs birth either. The only reason I stayed was because we agreed to stay until his son went to high school. This time has now past.
I have put up with his crazy ex wife and have helped raise his son on a 50/50 basis. Right now I want to move away as per our agreement. My H did not want any more children which means I don't have any kids. I am not prepared to waste another year of my life on his child in a country I don't want to live in.
His son can visit us during school holidays. Please let me know if it is fair to move away now as he and I agreed that we would when his son went to high school.
I also don't think its fair to say that we need to sacrifice our lives for a child - as is expected. People seperate and kids live with one or the other parent. I have this kid 8 years when I could have moved when we got married.
Your thoughts will be appreciated on this situation.
I dunno, that's sort of tough
I dunno, that's sort of tough for me, because I can see both sides here. On the one hand, yes, you had an agreement and it's reasonable to expect your DH to honor that agreement. That is, indeed, "fair".
On the other hand, your DH has 50/50 custody and I know as a parent I simply would not be able to go from seeing my child every other week to seeing them a few weeks a year. I just... couldn't. No matter what I thought I could do when they were babies.
So. Is it "fair" to expect your DH to honor your agreement and move? Sure. Might it end your marriage? Possibly, if he's now telling you he won't move. Only you can figure out whether you hate living where you are more than you love your DH. If moving is the more important thing, then move and tell him he can come with you or not, his choice. If DH is more important, then you might have to stay put, at least until his son is out of school altogether.
That's pretty hard. The time
That's pretty hard. The time is coming when your stepson will need his dad more than ever - negotiating puberty etc.
this is is son. Not a cousin.
I do agree he made a deal, but did he really understand what that meant? He was a new dad then with a lovely new wife to impress.
I also think he was foolish
I also think he was foolish to agree to such a thing. I assume he is resisting or you would not be here. I think you should quit insisting that he hold up his end of the bargain recognizing that there are not three adults involved here. The most critical time in a boys years are the years he is going through puberty and the long aftermath which doesn't really end until in his early twenties for some. Boys need a father figure then and for him to leave now would be a very bad idea.
I think what you should do in light of your homesickness is to go home. Not divorce just go and lead a separate life from him until the boy graduates. Likely this will end in a divorce anyway but perhaps not and your marriage can be salvaged. You've given up a lot for this boy and its noted here but unfortunately you entered into a unenforceable and poorly thought out contract.
I agree that a deal is a
I agree that a deal is a deal. But I'm not sure I could ask my hubby to move to a DIFFERENT COUNTRY than that which his kids live in... not sure I would have made the deal in the first place.
I agree with Tobin that the time is coming where the son will need his Dad more not less.
We don't have kids together, I have no children, but in spite of the fact that they often cause drama, I couldn't ask him to step away from them, and they live in a different state.
I know I'm flip flopping here... but bottom line, no, I don't think I'd insist on the move. I don't know that I could.
When you have kids it's a different kind of deal, it's a deal for life.
From the point of view of the
From the point of view of the biological parent, I can understand that you would want the mother or father of the child to b close by to raise the child, be part of the child's life and formative years.
However, in an ideal world you should have considered the possibility of divorce and that the child would be separated from one of the parents. Parents lives and circumstances change.
I married my husband on the understanding that we would move to our home country when the child reached high school. We both live in a country where the only tie is his son. I have no family here except my husband. For ten years I stayed because he wanted to be part of his child's life and I do understand that a parent needs to be involved with their children, but my patience has limits. In truth, this is some random child that means I don't get to see my family or his other family. Is it fair? This is not my child and I have no real feelings for this boy thanks to his mother's alienation and ridiculous behavior. I owe her and her child nothing.
If it's such a bad thing to move away, taking the child's father away, then his mother knows exactly what this is. Its karma biting back. The ex was first married to a man who had previously been married. She married him and took him away from his other children. Then she married my H and had a child with him. She is currently married to her 4th H and has 3 children with 3 different fathers. My H was her H number 2. She also married her current H and he moved accross the state to be with her - he left his wife and daughter for her.
So there is a pattern on her part of separating children from their fathers. What makes her son with my H so special that he needs to stay where he is. H has stayed till the child is in high school. That is what he and I agreed. Yes, if is his son and he loves him, but I don't see why I have to put up with a disrespectful nasty brat of his mothers making because the child is "owed" his father.
If things were different with this child and his mom I may have considered staying. Truth is I will hold my H to his promise as I feel nothing for the child. I don't know where BMs get off treating a SM like crap and expecting them to have warm feeling for the BM or her child. If my H does not move, he is welcome to stay with his child. I will know that he is a liar who breaks promises.
In my book, his child is not worth wasting any more time on. I am sorry that this is the way things are- could have been different if biomom wasnt a bitch.
Ouch! Can I verify one thing,
Ouch!
Can I verify one thing, he also has a daughter? So he'd be leaving 2 of his offspring to move to a country he hasn't lived in for ... has to be more than 13 years, even on my really poor math, to keep a "deal" with you?
Marrying him wasn't something she did TO him, I'm assuming he had some choice? Having 2 children isn't something that happened TO him, again, he chose it.
I think ultimatums are dangerous things, you might not like the choice he makes as it seems you haven't liked a lot of the choices he's made.
This kid didn't choose his parents or their behavior, it might be nice if he got to grow up at least with one example of how a grown up is supposed to behave? Punishing him for his Mum's crappy choices seems selfish.
Fostering a relationship between parent and child is never a waste of time, painful, yes, frustrating, absolutely especially if there's an "opposing" parent undermining those efforts. But a waste of time? Like I said... ouch!
He only has one son and he
He only has one son and he loves his son. I am not opposed to him getting full custody of the child.
His ex has been married 4 times and has three kids. She has too many stepchildren and ex stepchildren for me to count...
Yes, his son did not choose his parents, but it is his choice to behave like his mother. He has made it quite clear that I am not his family and does everything to treat me like dirt. I know he is a child and and patient with his behavior even though I don't like it. I am a woman, not a martyr to his ugliness.
There seems no point to me continually struggling with a relationship with this child. I have come to the point where I rationalise moving in terms of karma for his mom. Sins of the parents... I don't need to put up with someone else's child.
Its harsh, I know, but it is a long time coming. Children do grow up in split families. This child has been given ten years of my life and he continues to spit in my face. Enough is enough.
You don't have your own kids
You don't have your own kids so I wouldn't expect you to understand. I guarantee he was being foolish. That boy needs his father more than ever at this time. I doubt he was thinking of that when he met you. In my thinking signing up to be a step mom is like signing up being mom. Maybe you don't make sacrifices for that child but you should at least make sacrifices for the per son you love. If you make him move away from his son and he does not want that. all that will do will cause resentment towards him. Now I understand he promised you. but things change. especially wants. his son was one he had no idea what he was in for. Once you see them walk talk you don't want to miss anything. I think you need to sit down with him and discuss what he wants to do. you either need to be respectful for his wishes cause you did know you were marrying a guy with a kid. If you cant respect his wishes well you guys have problems that all started when he made a promise he most likely knew he wouldn't keep. so love him want to stay with him, then put up with his child for a few more years when he goes off to college then move. If its more important to move back to where you grew up or wherever you want to go then do it, It just most likely will be without him.
Unlike many people, I believe
Unlike many people, I believe that most of the time long distance visitation is far better for all involved than EOW/EOWE style visitation. There is far less disruption of the lives of all involved. The CP provides consistency and the NCP provides support and gets uninterrupted time with the kid for more than a few days at a time.
This worked great for my Skid and for his mom and I. The exposure to the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool was limited and that allowed us to identify, isolate and eliminate the residual Sperm Clan toxic crap that SS brought home from Sperm Land visitation.
So, moving for opportunity does not create undue or insurmountable blended family issues IMHO.
Good luck.