Mother-in-law favors step-daughter over out daughter
Hello everyone! New to this board, so glad I found this place. I have a question and need advice my SD9 is dotted on by MIL picks her up every week for dates, pays for gym classes every week, buys clothes and toys all the time..etc. Me and DH have a 5 month old that she has seen half a dozen times and one of those times was we had to throw a party for her at our house 2 days after we came home from the hospital and she was mad at DH because he was not giving her enough attention and I kidd you not those were her words! The two times she has visited at the house when it's just me my son3 and daughter half the time she talks about SD9 and BM she has bought my daughter two onsies that is all and it is not that I would care but she does so much for SD9 I can't help but feel bad that she doesn't care about our kid. We live just as far away from SD house? I have never been anything but nice to her? And the silly little thing that really pisses me off is she calls SD her queen and my daughter a princess... Silly I know but it manages to get under my skin... What should I do? Do I call her out on it? Or just let everything go? Idk
Not sure what to think.
Not sure what to think. Maybe, she babies her becasue she comes from divorced parents. How knows.
My FIL does the exact same
My FIL does the exact same thing to us! Every time we visit him or he visits us, he ends up lecturing us and then writes a long dissertation on how we don't give enough attention to SD11. He told me that he can see how I give love and attention to my 10 month old, but not to SD and that I should have enough love to give both of them. Bullshit! Of course I was giving my 10 month old tons of love...it was a a baby, while SD was a creepy pre-teen! Plus, I disagree. I really DON"T have enough love to give SD. I don't love her. Sorry FIL. Sad but true. I can't be forced to love a person who has brought nightmares into my life.
My solution? No more visiting with FIL. I told DH if wants to visit FIL with me and BD, that's fine but if SD is there, I won't go.
My FIL dotes on SD
My FIL dotes on SD intentionally because he believes SD is a "VICTIM" of divorce. So yes, in-laws tend to favor the pathetic broken kid over the kid whose parents are married, even if the marriage is on the rocks and the biokids are having a hard time in life too.
We have a similar issue with
We have a similar issue with MIL. She is obsessed with exSS9, even though he wants nothing to do with anyone in our family anymore. She feels sorry for him, and thinks she can save him by "loving him enough." Meanwhile, she really doesn't seem all that interested in SS15, who is her actual grandchild. If you think about it, SS15 is the "poor child of divorce." ExSS9 now lives with both of his biological parents. Go figure.
Thanks everyone. Sally she
Thanks everyone. Sally she was there for SD when she was a baby so I know it's not that. I think she does feel bad for SD because now that I think back she was worried that us having another child would make SD feel like less or not my DH number one. I feel like I'm in a hard place because at some point this will need to be dealt with. Do I do it now while my daughter is unaffected? Should I wait till she is old enough and she notices? My Grandma did something similar with me and my sister. I was always brought gifts as a kid because I was sick and Dr. Didn't give me good odds. I got presents every time they came over and my sister got nothing. My sister hated me for it and my mother, thank God put her foot down and said they could not visit unless both children were treated equally. That took care of it, but we were full siblings and it was my mother's mom. I talked to DH about it and he said he knows and is pissed at his mom too but doesn't know what to do
Thanks Cat ... I am jumping
Thanks Cat ... I am jumping the gun. You are right. SD is with us every other weekend and I try to make her as comfortable and a part of our family as I can. My MIL is meddling and perhaps that is the real issue. I will leave it alone and try not to be bothered by the discrepancies in time spent at BM house with SD and her visiting us
Yes I refuse to address MIL
Yes I refuse to address MIL relationship with BM I don't think DH cares sometimes and then at others he is bothered bye it. I was 8 months pregnate and when DH picked up SD he told BM all the pregnancy problems I was having and then came home and proceeded to give me her advice as she has had three kids so she must know . I blew up!! Took my son and slept at my moms DH was pissed at me because I ruined a SD weekend and he went to his mothers so SD got all the attention she needs ... All I heard about it is MIL said " was I really that insecure" to make such a big deal about it and poor SD for being subject to my behavior well my son3 is subject to both me and my DH behavior why is it somehow ok that he can experience real life but SD needs the gingerbread version? So yes I'm going to stay out of it because every time I just get blamed for being insecure I could go on and on about that issue
I understand your
I understand your situation... I am in the same.
FMIL ALWAYS favors SD3. at fist I didn't mind, SD was FDH's fist child, and is 5 years younger than all of the other grand babies. I saw how FMIL treated SD and I expected the same treatment for DD2... Oh how I was wrong!
SD would (I say would because FMIL just got remarried and moved across the country) get hugs, kisses, gifts, conversation... you name it SD got it from FMIL. When I had our first daughter (though she is not FDH's by blood he has accepted her as his own and treats her just like our other kids, including SD)I expected the same treatment from FMIL for her... WRONG! Nothing, she came to the Hospital (she didn;t even come to the hospital for our other two) held her for 5 mins and left. We have never recived gifts from FMIL for her birthday, FMIL never visits when SD isn't here, and when she does it's all about SD. She will not allow any of our other children to sit on her lap (we have 2 younger babies after DD2) with SD being the exception, and every now and then she will ask to take DS5mo from me, but even then I am hesitant, only because he is our only son and I DO NOT want my children to feel as though one of them is better or more special, loved ect. than the others.
I honestly think that it is because SD is from a divorced family, BUT it's like I have told FDH when FMIL "stops by" it doesn't matter, its not like she is the only child that has divorced parents. AND she was an infant when they went through the divorce, so it's not like she is ever going to remember what life was like with both parents under the same roof.
My MIL definitely favors my 3
My MIL definitely favors my 3 skids, partly because of the divorce, partly because of them being her first brood of gkids, partly because the in-laws were a lot more involved in their care as babies, partly because there is a dynamic going on whereby MIL vies with her son's wife for supremacy over the gkids and BM was happy with that as an abandoner, but I was not going to let anyone but ourselves be primary carer.
There is also the factor that if seeing the skids when they are with you and DH, an unpleasant and dominant MIL will not hesitate to step into the breach of there being no female blood relative but her, and she will effectively take the role of BM in any family gathering. This is pretty difficult to combat (were a SM to care enough to try to combat it).
With MILs like these, if you want them to love your kid more then you have to divorce your DH and let them take over. That's what they actually want -- power.
I agree with Cat, leave this as is now and take stock, this may be a fluid and dynamic situation. If it is not I would leave DH to confront MIL alone. That's because, if he won't do it properly, you definitely won't have an effect on your own. So, better not to do anything that leads to further embitterment.
My own solution was to disengage from MIL and disengage my children sufficiently that they would not really notice the differential treatment. They only see her a couple times a year. What they don't know, won't hurt them. They have a fantastic maternal family and plenty of paternal family members to visit who are a bit more distant blood-wise but are every bit as lovely as a really good grandparent.
I think MIL's are often like
I think MIL's are often like this. Many times, they are like a third parent to the skid and that is why they favor them. My MIL absolutely loves SD the most. I don't care though. She is a nutter and her and SD can have each other. She did ask my 2 year old to spend the night and I said yes. Keep in mind, just turned two. She calls us at near 10pm to tell us (while 2yr old is sitting right with her) "BD2 says she wants to come home." F****** seriously? Why would you even entertain the idea with a two year old. She wasn't crying or throwing a fit and it had been a super long day..she was way over tired and up past her bed time. It's called distract her like a normal grandmother should and put her to bed once she's happy! She basically cornered us into coming to pick her up. Freaking ridiculous. Anyway, I kinda went off there, but my point is that I think steps are always the favorite. They are the first, and usually, the MIL had some major part in raising skid.