New here and would like to vent and hopefully get some advice please...

Married to my DW for 7 years now, SS who is now 15 (soon to be 16) from her previous marriage. Also, DW and I have a 3.5 year old son. She divorced because he (SS' BF) was an abusive Control Freak and near the end physically assaulted her.

SS for the most part is fine, BUT... He constantly back talks to DW, threatened her once about 1.5 years ago, "I swear, one of these days.." type comment at the end of an argument between them. For many years we have had him in and out of therapy. He no longer wants to do it.

Issues right now are...

• Has been smoking for the past 2 years and refuses to stop after being caught and told to multiple times by DW and myself.
• For the past year has failed multiple drug tests for marijuana (home done and Dr. verifying tests when he refused to admit to it). He just failed 1 a few days ago after a break of doing monthlies on him. We stopped the monthlies when he passed 2 in a row.
• Constantly Back Talks to his mother if he does not get exactly what he wants, when he wants it.

Now early on (8 years ago) he was a bit out of control. Did not take well to new "House Rules" when I came in. But, has improved in some areas over time.

In the past the more intense run-ins over Rules with him have been...

• No Food in the Bedroom unless it's because your in bed from sickness or something. This one took a long time to sink in with him. Though lately has kind of not been enforced. About 4-5 years ago was the one and only time I hit him, light smack across the face. Not to hurt, but to "snap him back to reality". Did not leave any mark and it was 1 smack. After finding an empty lunchmeat plastic bag, half-eaten sandwich that was about 4 days old (hard as a rock and starting to mold) in the trash can in his bedroom while emptying trash. Called him over and asked "What is this ??" and showed him the can. His response to me was, "So what..". After pausing for a few seconds I smacked him. That was the last time I found anything like that in his room.
• When he threatened his mother I was not inside the house to hear it, I was in the backyard and missed it "Live" by 20 seconds. I came walking in the back door to find my DW standing at the kitchen sink mumbling to herself, "One of these days what ?". I asked what was going on and she told me what just transpired. I immediately ran out the front door to find him walking down the street with 1 of his friends. I started yelling for him to "get the f*&% back here now". I could immediately see the anger and disdain in his eyes focused on me. I started to push him back in the front door door into the house. Screaming "Who the hell do you think you are?" and directing him towards his room. He turned a few times, fists clenched. I repeatedly told him to "do it". He never did. After a LOT of yelling, screaming and putting my foot through our basement door I had to walk back outside to try and cool off. He was grounded for close to a month.
• After repeatedly telling him to keep his stuff in the garage clean and not laying all over the place. For a 6 month period I cleaned the garage area and his pile of crap about 4 times myself and told he needed to keep it straight or I would throw everything out (fishing gear and such). I walked into the garage one weekend while he was with his BF. Finding a pile of his crap from one wall to the other just inside of the doorway. To the point that I had to jump over it to be able to enter the garage. I immediately grabbed a shovel and started shoveling it all into the garbage cans outside. About a dozen fishing poles, a pole stand that he never used, 3 backpacks, 6 pairs of muddy sneakers, shirts and stuff. Plus finding one of my work jackets covered in dried mud that he must have been using. When he got home he was not happy and blasted a "what are you doing" at me. I verbally lit him up at that point.

My DW has no issues with me having to take a disciplinary role with him. There have been a couple of times over the years where we plan out punishments and such together. I'll want to do it one way, she wants to do it another. Usually I'll lean more to what she wants to do or we modify it a little. There are no issues between the DW and myself, we are both "on the same page".

Between the 3 issues on-going right now (smoking, drugs and plain-old disrespect) it has come to a boiling point. That we are both in agreement that if he does not like the rules he can go live with his BF. The BF side-steps it and does not want it really (we feel). But, is counter-manning our rules in our house and me being involved in it. He does not want me to yell at his son under my roof. That "I'm a Stranger and he will not allow me to talk to his son that way". He tells his son this which I feel is doing nothing but reinforcing the SS' rebellion and disrespect towards DW and myself. We also have a feeling the BF is allowing the SS to smoke while he is with him. Law is 19 to Purchase or Possess Tobacco products, since you MUST Possess to smoke it. It's Illegal. End of story. I smoke (have since I was 19 in the Military), DW does not, BF does.

BF is coming over this weekend and we all are going to sit down and discuss this (there will probably some yelling). If they (BF and SS) can not live by our rules, then SS can go to his BF. It's the end of the rope. My point is that I'm no "Stranger", I have every right to discipline SS as seen fit as long as SS' BM (my DW) does not have an issue with it. As long as it is not Abuse and purely screaming at him after trying the "softer" approaches first (multiple times) with no results. I also have to think of Our 3 year old son and the effects on him. If they can not see that he has every right (and has the duty) to call and report it to the State's Youth and Family Services. They will send someone out to conduct interviews and do an investigation. Or, he can take the SS. We are fine with that. We'll even have Child support redone. But, DW is now a Stay at home mom with no income. Household income is purely from me. I'll let them figure what she could earn if she was working and consider that I'm paying her to stay at home from my income. They can use her estimated income if she was working (which was not much) to calculate Child Support going to him. She does not work because between added fuel costs, child care cost and the fact that her small income actually hurt us at the end of the year with taxes. It's cheaper for us if she stayed home rather then working.

If I'm wrong in this, please tell me. If someone has a different opinion or option, give it to me.